My wife's mother lives about 10 minutes away from us. She is still in her own home, but she requires a lot of attention because she has moderate dementia. We see her almost every day - at least 5 days per week - and take care of her bills, her shopping, and usually go out to lunch with her.
My wife's sister lives an hour away from mom, but she rarely comes over - perhaps once every other month. She didn't even come over to Christmas. In fact, when she came for Thanksgiving dinner she brought Christmas presents for us and mom with her, which we felt was an extremely rude way of saying "I don't want to see you guys for Christmas" - and she didn't despite the fact that she was home all by herself.
She is a single divorced mom with an adult child who lives out-of-state. She has no boyfriends nor close female friends. We invited her out for her own birthday, but she would not come. We ended up driving with mom to see her and celebrate at her place. It is so difficult to get her to come visit or assist with her mom's care other than taking her mom to the doctor once per year even though we take her to the doctor often.
Anyway, she announced to the family that she is quitting her job and moving to another state 1,000 miles away. She says she is moving because it is less expensive there and she can afford to buy a home whereas she just rents here. I think that's a good goal, but it has made both my wife and their mother furious that she is abandoning them.
It's like she just said "Well, hope it all works out for you guys" just as her mom's care is getting more demanding. At first her mom wanted to go, too, but now my sister-in-law is saying that she can't take mom because her new house is too small for them both (she conveniently bought a very small house), but that mom can "visit" sometimes.
I guess I am mostly venting, but I am also trying to understand how I can help my wife and her mom cope with this abandonment. My wife feels betrayed and forced to be a caregiver. Her mom keeps saying "She doesn't care about me."
From my perspective, I guess my wife's sister has a right to live her own life, but the timing seems especially bad. It was pretty crummy to barely lift a finger while she was close by, but there is an air of finality to it now that she's leaving. We know she won't be any help to us or her mom at all. We were sort of hoping she could eventually help more as things devolved, but she is leaving right when things are getting worse.
They (my wife and her mom) are also worried because my sister-in-law is moving to a new town where she doesn't know anyone. She just picked a town she could afford, found a job there, bought a house, and moved in the span of 2 months and without really telling anyone anything other than she was applying for jobs out of state. Next was "I got a job and I am going to take it" followed by "I bought a house" and then "Maybe mom can come up sometime once I have settled in." Just like that from applying for a job to moving. The new job pays less than she was making here, by the way, so it was not some great financial opportunity and she had never even BEEN to the town she bought her house in.
Is that selfish? Is that excusable? Her mom probably doesn't have that many good years left where she will even be able to recognize us and she just packed up and left. My wife says it was a huge middle finger to her and the family has been destroyed.
How do I help my wife and her mother get through this? My sis-in-law obviously isn't moving back. She knows she hurt my wife, but she says she has to live her own life. In the process she is destroying ours, though. My wife and her mom both cry daily and then there are fits of rage, too. They say they feel like my sis-in-law has died. My own emotional well-being is suffering as a result. What, if anything, should I tell my sister-in-law? My wife is thinking she may need to put mom in a home since she now suddenly can't rely on her sister for anything.
If you read back a bit you will find that MIL threatened suicide three years ago when going to a facility was being discussed. It seems that SIL didn't agree to more and more home care, backed off after that, probably had been willing to help earlier. H and W kept MIL with them. Now things are getting difficult, they are pressuring SIL even more.
Perhaps God is really glad she’s escaped? Or are you just guessing about that too?
I am a 65 y.o. female middle child of five siblings. My mom died of CHF in 2017. The last few years of my mom's life were very difficult. My father, who is now 93, took good care of my mom, although there was a tremendous amount of pressure imposed on both my sister and me to help care for mom. (We are Italian, and unfortunately, that's what is expected of Italian daughters). I managed to work a full time job, commute 40 miles each way to my parents house, once, sometimes twice per week. It was very difficult, and exhausting.
My sister backed way off when my mom died, and she really did very little to care for my dad who was emotionally devastated, and needed a lot of support. I was very confused, and angry as to why my sister abandoned our dad.
Well, my sister died from bone marrow cancer last December 2021. This tragedy caused even more emotional distress for our family. My dad has had two strokes since her death. My eldest brother lives with dad, and has been doing so rent free for at least 15 years. He and dad fight constantly.
I have come to realize that my dad (who does not want any in home help like cleaning, cooking, bathing, laundry) expects me to continue to sacrifice what is left of my life to sit by his side, hold his hand, and comfort him. My brothers also feel that outside help or AL is not necessary. I have offered solutions, all of which have been batted away.
I allowed my life to be hijacked by my parents for at least 7 years, and I can't do it anymore. I explained this to my brothers, and they are no longer speaking to me. One actually accused me of wanting "a medal" for my years of selflessness. This caused me to rethink why I did what I did.
I haven't moved away to a different state, but I now only visit once a week. Soon, I will visit every 10 days. I need to get my life back. I owe this to myself, and my husband, who has hung in there helping all along. It has only been a few weeks since I made the decision to take a huge step back, but I already feel the positive effects. I am saving myself. I have stepped down from the cross.
My point is maybe OP's SIL realized that she has to save herself. I can't change other people, their expectations, or their choices. No one can.
You helped your parents for years. Of course you want to save yourself. And even then - you say you’ll still visit every 10 days…
In other words, it looks like your plan is not to totally abandon your father and not help at all.
I hope your exploitative brothers help out!
Regarding OP:
the SIL did very little to help, most of it landing on OP’s wife. And now SIL might help almost nothing - which means it’ll all land on OP’s wife.
It isn’t just about saving oneself, but the consequences of one’s decision on one’s siblings.
1 sibling being exploited, used.
You sc1957 were exploited.
Even if OP’s MIL goes to a facility, someone (OP’s wife?) needs to find a good facility. It takes time/energy. And then you don’t just dump your parent there and say “arrivederci! bye bye!”
As a loving adult child, you help, advocate…
It takes time/energy.
Why should all of that land on 1 sibling (OP’s wife)? Of course it shouldn’t. OP’s SIL can help from anywhere on Earth, wherever she lives, with phone calls, but it seems she doesn’t want to help; prefers to sacrifice her sister’s life.
A lot of people prefer to sacrifice - someone else’s - life.
In the near future, you can address getting more helpers involved in caring for MIL - when SIL's move is not a major issue for either of them.
Is this where you are at with W and MIL? Do you resent it? Have you considered counseling yourself?
SIL has just moved precisely because she can see lots more obligations coming up, she doesn’t agree that this is the right thing to do, and she has no intention of being forced into it by you, your wife or your MIL. Way to go! Thank heavens that someone in the family has some sense.
I am curious why your wife figures she will be responsible for her dad, I mean he did move clear across the country to live his own life. Obviously not worried about a relationship with his children. So why does sister moving destroy the family, yet dad moving obligates your wife to be his long distance caregiver?
You brought up everything that you guys and your MIL did for your SIL. Then you say you aren't saying she owes you for the help, yet you guys have kept score.
I have had many family members live in our home, free of charge, to help them recover, get back on their feet and I couldn't tell you a thing about those times. It was help offered and accepted, no score kept, no future payback expected.
Perhaps you and your ladies should search your hearts for forgiveness for a sister, daughter, SIL. Maybe wiping away the score board and just loving her for who she is might make her more open to handle things that can be managed long distance. Like banking, scheduling appointments, arranging transportation, researching facilities and the like. Maybe not but, a clean slate is a good thing no matter what she decides.
1. Listen to her and let her vent. She needs someone to listen without judgment. Encourage her NOT to vent to her mom or to reflect her mom's anger. That does not help either of them. Also, please watch your own words - you've expressed a lot of anger and contempt for your SIL here in your post. Saying things like this to them will only escalate their distress.
2. Keep a sharp eye out for an increase in the frequency or intensity of her anger. It's not good for her to let those feelings go on too long. if she isn't feeling any better soon encourage her to work through it with a therapist.
3. Remind your wife (and yourself) that people DO have a right to live their life. This includes the two of you. Your MIL's care needs may well exceed your ability to meet them someday. Make sure your wife does not promise her mom she'll never put her in professional care. She may not be able to keep that promise and also keep her health or your marriage.
4. If she needs help caring for her mom, help her get it. It's in everyone's best interest to be honest about what you can and can't handle. Nobody can handle 24/7 care by themselves (should it come to that). There is a reason professional memory care exists.
I don't see the need to confront your wife's sister. She had a right to live where she wants; further, she already wasn't doing anything. What you had was a fantasy that she would step up. It's always disappointing when a fantasy is lost. But, consider that sis leaving might prove to be the best possible thing that could have happened. If it forces your wife to accept someday that her only option is to get the professional help she needs, it is a good thing.
She's not abandoning anyone. She's living her life pretty much the same as she did prior to the job offer. Some of the issues for you/wife/mom may be that you 'wished' for her to become more involved, it didn't happen, and with a move that far away it clearly is not going to happen. Some are caregivers and some are not.
Why wouldn’t your wife instead of crying discuss this with her and come up with some solutions re Mom‘s care?
There are better solutions. You can get in home care for your mother. We have a program here called IRIS that helps fund for in home care. She can have whoever she wants for her caregivers including family. They not only pay for care, but will pay for many other things she may need that are not covered by insurance. Most states have programs like this. They are wonderful. Your mother in law does not need to loose everything she has.
Your MIL is not ENTITLED to help from her daughter or your wife. It's your sister-in-law's choice as it is your wife's.
How can you say it's extremely selfish to move away from an elderly parent? You don't know what someone's relationship was like with their now elderly and needy parent.
There could be a long history of dysfunction and abuse.
The remaining family who wants to have a go at caregiving, should by all means do so. That is their choice. They do not have to.
It is also the choice of the sibling who does not stick around to become a caregiver to an elderly parent.
However, if there is any possible inheritance at stake, the sibling who took on the caregiving should get it all if they keep mom or dad out of a facility. We earn it. Or at the very least they should get the lion's share of it.
I had some resentment towards my sibling who did nothing for years. She knows now that either it's step up and take over the responsibility of our mother or the state will because I'm all done.
Assuming your sister-in-law chooses not to be involved in her mother's care, re-assess what you and your wife are willing to do and evaluate your mother's resources for home care or faciliry placement as it may be needed.
Not happening. I will NEVER take up another caregiving position be it as employment or for family.
I will advocate. I will offer whatever level of help I'm comfortable with, but that's all.
In fact, my ex and I are going to lawyer to have legal documents drawn up proclaiming that there will be no relatives (on either side) in need of caregiving moving into our home, nor will we relocate ourselves to provide caregiving services. This way we're covered in writing.
Instead of speculating why she makes herself distant, you and your wife try having a sincere and truthful talk with her about it. In a safe space with no judgments. Then try really listening to what she says. I think you will be surpised by what you will hear.
Your wife and her mother need to stop with the daily crying and semantics and behaving like your SIL is dead. That is called villifying and no good can come of it. My guess is that your indifferent SIL has been villified by her mother for a very long time. Probably since she was a little kid. I can say this because my mother cast me in the role of family scapegoat and villian when I was a little kid. No matter what I did or didn't do, I'm the villian then and now.
You most definitely should tell your SIL about the daily crying and fits of rage that she is the topic of. Then let her talk.
Now, your wife DOES NOT have to single-handedly be responsible for her mother's every need and want.
There is help out there. Like in-home caregivers. Senior living communities, nursing homes, memory care facilities, assisted living facilities.
If you love and care for your wife and I think you do, you will not allow caregiving for her mother to destroy her. And it will.
It will not be your SIL's fault if your wife has a nervous breakdown or a psychotic break because she cannot cope with the care needs of her mother anymore. If there is daily crying and fits of rage from your wife then she's not coping. Your MIL needs to be placed in care. Forget the guilt and possible martyrdom and feelings of duty and obligation. Maybe your MIL made your wife promise to never "put her in a home" which is the most selfish and terrible vow anyone can ask of someone they love. Break that promise. Your wife's well being has to come first.
Take it from me. I had a nervous breakdown because of caregiving. The daily crying and fits of rage is what comes right before the break. God help me if it wasn't for therapy and my ex-husband.
Please start lookinginto options for your MIL and talk to your SIL sincerely. Good luck.
As always!! Love your responses and sharing about your experiences!!! It helps me tremendously!!
It is time to make decisions.
Your SIL has every right to live her life and do what she wants to do and move where she wants to. If she had moved away when she got married would your wife still be carrying on the way she is? Seems a bit unhealthy to me. And I think her reaction is having an effect on her mom as well. Mom sees your wife upset and she in turn gets upset. A bit of co-dependency going on.
Now for the decisions...
With dementia she is not going to remain at the cognitive level that she is. She will decline. She will need more help. She will not be safe alone in her home. (if she is now..the possibility of her wandering off, leaving the stove on, leaving the water running and a host of other possibilities.)
Placing her in Memory Care seems to be the best option. The other 2 options would be have her move in with you and your wife so you can care for her. Not an easy task. OR you move in with her so you can care for her. Again not easy.
Are either of your houses set up to care for someone using a walker? Wheelchair? Having to use equipment like a Sit to Stand? Hoyer Lift? Wide halls? No carpet? No stairs? Large bathroom that is barrier free?
If your MIL has moderate dementia, She probably should not be left alone and obviously her condition will only worsen, so I suggest forgetting about the SIL and put your energy into figuring out how you're going to manage MIL's care. Not sure what your MIL's finances are like, but I had to sell my moms home so that she had money for care. So your options are 1) bring care into your MIL's house 2) sell her home and move her into a facility 3) move her into your home. The bottom line is she really should not be left alone. What if she gets up in the middle of the night and doesn't realize where she is and wonders outside? It is like having a small child. You wouldn't leave a child alone in a house for any period of time.
Save yourself some misery and forget about the SIL. If she contacts you for an update on mom, fine, give her one. If she doesn't ask about mom, don't bring it up. Being mad will only drain you.
Good Luck.
Although I understand what you’re trying to say, it’s actually very much - not - her loss. She has - a lot - to gain by not being the one who helps in any way. Zero stress. Zero problems. Peaceful sleep. Lots of time to do whatever she wants every day.
So who gets the stress?
Her sister (OP’s wife).
Who will have sleepless nights?
Her sister.
Who will have less and less time?
Her sister.
NO MATTER WHAT.
By that I mean, for those who think it’ll all be easier if the LO is in a facility, it’s not. You’re still helping, advocating, dealing with problems…while your selfish sibling sleeps blissfully and peacefully, not lifting a finger to solve a single problem.
my sister chose to move away right when things started getting difficult with mom and dad. When they got to the point where they needed more and more attention, sister announced she was moving halfway across the country, she had actually already checked out of their lives when the pandemic hit- using that as a cover to stop interacting with them (which she has admitted).
all I can say is….
Some people choose to live for themselves, and there is not much any of us can do about it. But how they choose to live their lives is not going to stop me from stepping up and doing what I know is right.
Sorry you are going through this. That’s all I’ve got
I think you’re great!
Just be careful.
Don’t let it eat up too much of your time/mind/stress.
It’s the right thing to do: to help. But it’s also the right thing to do: to make sure you’re not sacrificed along the way.
The worst damage happens when the people involved have shaky boundaries, and can be influenced by guilt and other emotions. You need to have clear, objective goals, and let go of judgement. Your SIL is living her life - She's not "destroying" your family; Her mother and sister are judging her and thereby destroying it themselves, don't buy into that nightmare: Who knows what the dynamics are, but I suspect that guilt/judgement/manipulation etc. have a lot to do with why SIL is now 1,000 miles away: Sometimes it's easier to firm up one's boundaries by attaining physical distance.
Let go of judgement; Take care of VIP's (Very Important Papers); Determine your goals and boundaries (e.g. We'll visit once a week; We'll call every day etc.) and communicate them to your MIL, be very clear and don't feel guilty. Of course the situation is fluid as she ages, so you can establish markers and set up services as needed. Do your best to leave emotions out of the picture.
Relatively few seniors live with family any longer, so figuring out how it's going to work can get very messy and complicated if careful plans haven't been made.
Good luck to you all, remember to breathe.