My wife's mother lives about 10 minutes away from us. She is still in her own home, but she requires a lot of attention because she has moderate dementia. We see her almost every day - at least 5 days per week - and take care of her bills, her shopping, and usually go out to lunch with her.
My wife's sister lives an hour away from mom, but she rarely comes over - perhaps once every other month. She didn't even come over to Christmas. In fact, when she came for Thanksgiving dinner she brought Christmas presents for us and mom with her, which we felt was an extremely rude way of saying "I don't want to see you guys for Christmas" - and she didn't despite the fact that she was home all by herself.
She is a single divorced mom with an adult child who lives out-of-state. She has no boyfriends nor close female friends. We invited her out for her own birthday, but she would not come. We ended up driving with mom to see her and celebrate at her place. It is so difficult to get her to come visit or assist with her mom's care other than taking her mom to the doctor once per year even though we take her to the doctor often.
Anyway, she announced to the family that she is quitting her job and moving to another state 1,000 miles away. She says she is moving because it is less expensive there and she can afford to buy a home whereas she just rents here. I think that's a good goal, but it has made both my wife and their mother furious that she is abandoning them.
It's like she just said "Well, hope it all works out for you guys" just as her mom's care is getting more demanding. At first her mom wanted to go, too, but now my sister-in-law is saying that she can't take mom because her new house is too small for them both (she conveniently bought a very small house), but that mom can "visit" sometimes.
I guess I am mostly venting, but I am also trying to understand how I can help my wife and her mom cope with this abandonment. My wife feels betrayed and forced to be a caregiver. Her mom keeps saying "She doesn't care about me."
From my perspective, I guess my wife's sister has a right to live her own life, but the timing seems especially bad. It was pretty crummy to barely lift a finger while she was close by, but there is an air of finality to it now that she's leaving. We know she won't be any help to us or her mom at all. We were sort of hoping she could eventually help more as things devolved, but she is leaving right when things are getting worse.
They (my wife and her mom) are also worried because my sister-in-law is moving to a new town where she doesn't know anyone. She just picked a town she could afford, found a job there, bought a house, and moved in the span of 2 months and without really telling anyone anything other than she was applying for jobs out of state. Next was "I got a job and I am going to take it" followed by "I bought a house" and then "Maybe mom can come up sometime once I have settled in." Just like that from applying for a job to moving. The new job pays less than she was making here, by the way, so it was not some great financial opportunity and she had never even BEEN to the town she bought her house in.
Is that selfish? Is that excusable? Her mom probably doesn't have that many good years left where she will even be able to recognize us and she just packed up and left. My wife says it was a huge middle finger to her and the family has been destroyed.
How do I help my wife and her mother get through this? My sis-in-law obviously isn't moving back. She knows she hurt my wife, but she says she has to live her own life. In the process she is destroying ours, though. My wife and her mom both cry daily and then there are fits of rage, too. They say they feel like my sis-in-law has died. My own emotional well-being is suffering as a result. What, if anything, should I tell my sister-in-law? My wife is thinking she may need to put mom in a home since she now suddenly can't rely on her sister for anything.
Here is the outsider's understanding of what you have told us, to recap: your SIL has had little involvement in MIL's care, and no more to do with the family than duty demands. She makes decisions and plans to secure her future as a single woman without dependants. Your wife's and your MIL's reaction is to go into hysterical mourning and treat this as a personal rejection, an act of spiteful selfishness on your SIL's part that means she must be forever dead to them.
Your SIL may have had a whole lifetime of this b/s. My first guess is that she is making an escape bid.
You may get many replies advising how sister should stay & provide equal care.
For the sake of balance.. here is the other viewpoint (imho)...
Is it selfish to want to work to earn? Live where you can afford housing? Live within your means?
Is it selfish to take responsibility for your own life?
Is it NOT or LESS selfish to continue to live outside your means, to continue to rent, to offer your services as caregiver for free, to be tied by family servitude expectations at the very real risk to your own health, happiness & financial future?
Think about why she is leaving.
Think about why you want her to stay. Think about the expectations you have.
My advice is not to fall into the 'we are the victims here'.
Respect your SIL's choice as an independent free thinking adult. What's to be gained from telling her to stay? Just hurt on both sides. (The more you try to push, the more she will pull away).
It's OK to feel SAD she is leaving..
I say, if you need more help with MIL - arrange it.
I am truly sorry if I appear rude - not my intention.
I have prior experience of others wishing to tell me where to live, to cease paid work to provide free family labour, h3ll even not to move away as their pets may need future sitting! I was called *selfish* for putting my housing needs above everyone else's convenience. My councellor told me to move 4 hours away - minimum. For self-protection.
It's the very definition of irony.
Your MIL NEEDED residential care years ago, and now needs residential care EVEN MORE.
Your SIL is NOT “destroying” your life. She has done you the BIGGEST FAVOR anyone could have done.
She has shown you, in a very dramatic way, that your MIL NEEDS 24/7/365 care, and that your wife is losing her life by not taking active measures to provide that.
What should you tell your sister-in-law? You should tell her that you appreciate her courage and strength. SHE did not “hurt” your wife, she made a difficult decision and took GOOD CARE of HERSELF.
Your wife was needs to do what her sister did. I hope you and your wife can make a decision that will provide SAFE and HUMANE CARE for her mother, and thereby GIVE YOUR WIFE THE FREEDOM TO LIVE HER OWN LIFE.
Doesn’t she deserve it?
You say in your post that you and wife were "sort of hoping she (SIL) would get more involved (with caregiving) as things devolved." Did you stop and think that maybe that's the real reason WHY your SIL moved so far away? To send the unmistakable message that she will NOT become the slave to caregiving that you all seem to think she should? You speak about how hurt your wife is over this - but has she hurt her sister as well? Has she been constantly haranguing her sister to give assistance to mom's caregiving, even though SIL has made it clear that she is not willing? If SIL were to come here and tell HER version of this story, might it go something like "My sister and mom forced me to move 1000 miles away because they wouldn't take no for an answer"?
Frankly, I commend her for taking the actions she did. And whether you will recognize it or not, she has done you a huge favor by removing any ambiguity over the situation - without a second "set of hands" it is going to be next to impossible for you and wife to manage MIL's care, in her home, by yourselves. Which I think you have already recognized but are having trouble communicating to your wife and getting her to accept it.
Your wife's thinking that her mom might need placement is spot on. The best way to help everyone in this situation - wife, MIL, SIL and yourself - is to help your wife and MIL make the placement.
Mom may be 80 but that doesnt mean she will be gone soon. There are many people on this forum who have parents that are over 90 and many over 100 and still going strong.
How long is sister supposed to put her life on hold for mom? Maybe mom is not the nicest of people. Maybe mom and sister did not have a good relationship.
If your wife cannot handle taking care of mom on her own them you should be encouraging her to place mom. Right now mom is dependent on your wife and you for everything. This means she is not capable of living alone.
I don't understand your wife crying daily over sister moving. Sounds like she is crying because she lost another caregiver for mom and not that sister moved. From your post it doesn't even sound like sister and sister were close or sister and mom were close.
How can you help wife? Start helping her see mom needs to be placed somewhere. And support her when she comes to said realization.
Instead of speculating why she makes herself distant, you and your wife try having a sincere and truthful talk with her about it. In a safe space with no judgments. Then try really listening to what she says. I think you will be surpised by what you will hear.
Your wife and her mother need to stop with the daily crying and semantics and behaving like your SIL is dead. That is called villifying and no good can come of it. My guess is that your indifferent SIL has been villified by her mother for a very long time. Probably since she was a little kid. I can say this because my mother cast me in the role of family scapegoat and villian when I was a little kid. No matter what I did or didn't do, I'm the villian then and now.
You most definitely should tell your SIL about the daily crying and fits of rage that she is the topic of. Then let her talk.
Now, your wife DOES NOT have to single-handedly be responsible for her mother's every need and want.
There is help out there. Like in-home caregivers. Senior living communities, nursing homes, memory care facilities, assisted living facilities.
If you love and care for your wife and I think you do, you will not allow caregiving for her mother to destroy her. And it will.
It will not be your SIL's fault if your wife has a nervous breakdown or a psychotic break because she cannot cope with the care needs of her mother anymore. If there is daily crying and fits of rage from your wife then she's not coping. Your MIL needs to be placed in care. Forget the guilt and possible martyrdom and feelings of duty and obligation. Maybe your MIL made your wife promise to never "put her in a home" which is the most selfish and terrible vow anyone can ask of someone they love. Break that promise. Your wife's well being has to come first.
Take it from me. I had a nervous breakdown because of caregiving. The daily crying and fits of rage is what comes right before the break. God help me if it wasn't for therapy and my ex-husband.
Please start lookinginto options for your MIL and talk to your SIL sincerely. Good luck.
As always!! Love your responses and sharing about your experiences!!! It helps me tremendously!!
That sounds neither wise nor safe.
No one's life should be held hostage to a parent's unwise choices, especially a parent with dementia. It's time for a new plan.
Your sister in law did what she felt was right for herself. If that was selfish, so be it. Do what YOU have to do to move on with your OWN lives and forget about what your SIL did to move on with her own life. Resentment is like acid; it will eat YOU up inside while SHE is living her life happy as a lark!
Get your MIL placed in Memory Care Assisted Living so you and your wife can live without the burden of caring for an elder with dementia. And w/o so much crying and resentment that your SIL chose to move away.
That's the right decision, really. Then everyone can go visit your MIL in her new apartment whenever they want to, and all the resentment and finger pointing can be put to rest, once and for all. Life's too short for all this, it really is.
My parents liked Assisted Living quite a bit. My mother thrived in AL after dad died; the ladies all rallied around her and helped the widow come into the fold. Once I had to move her into Memory Care, she thrived there too. She had way way WAY too many issues for me to manage myself at home; she required a team of caregivers working 24/7 to care for her, in reality. And they did a fine job of it, too. So I was able to be a daughter instead of a burned out caregiver to her, and she got great care from a team of loving caregivers AND lots of visits from me, her son in law and her grandkids. Win/win situation for everyone concerned.
It seems to me in a family with more than 1 child/sibling, there will always be that ONE child who's burdened down with the lion's share of all the caregiving duties. While the others move away or go on with their lives, the one with the big heart is the one who's feeling 'stuck' with all the duties. That is the job she's taken ON, however, out of the goodness of her heart. If she can't handle it, then she needs to wave the white flag and say ENOUGH! **Especially if the mother is also a manipulative woman with a tendency toward passive/aggressive histrionics & threats to kill herself if she doesn't get her way, like my mother was** Dementia is something most of us cannot handle alone, nor should we even attempt to. It honestly takes a village TO care for a demented elder, which is why Memory Cares are popping up like flowers on every street corner in the country. #Truth.
Wishing you the best of luck relying on yourselves to accomplish the caregiving needs your MIL requires, recognizing it may take Memory Care to achieve it.
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