My wife's mother lives about 10 minutes away from us. She is still in her own home, but she requires a lot of attention because she has moderate dementia. We see her almost every day - at least 5 days per week - and take care of her bills, her shopping, and usually go out to lunch with her.
My wife's sister lives an hour away from mom, but she rarely comes over - perhaps once every other month. She didn't even come over to Christmas. In fact, when she came for Thanksgiving dinner she brought Christmas presents for us and mom with her, which we felt was an extremely rude way of saying "I don't want to see you guys for Christmas" - and she didn't despite the fact that she was home all by herself.
She is a single divorced mom with an adult child who lives out-of-state. She has no boyfriends nor close female friends. We invited her out for her own birthday, but she would not come. We ended up driving with mom to see her and celebrate at her place. It is so difficult to get her to come visit or assist with her mom's care other than taking her mom to the doctor once per year even though we take her to the doctor often.
Anyway, she announced to the family that she is quitting her job and moving to another state 1,000 miles away. She says she is moving because it is less expensive there and she can afford to buy a home whereas she just rents here. I think that's a good goal, but it has made both my wife and their mother furious that she is abandoning them.
It's like she just said "Well, hope it all works out for you guys" just as her mom's care is getting more demanding. At first her mom wanted to go, too, but now my sister-in-law is saying that she can't take mom because her new house is too small for them both (she conveniently bought a very small house), but that mom can "visit" sometimes.
I guess I am mostly venting, but I am also trying to understand how I can help my wife and her mom cope with this abandonment. My wife feels betrayed and forced to be a caregiver. Her mom keeps saying "She doesn't care about me."
From my perspective, I guess my wife's sister has a right to live her own life, but the timing seems especially bad. It was pretty crummy to barely lift a finger while she was close by, but there is an air of finality to it now that she's leaving. We know she won't be any help to us or her mom at all. We were sort of hoping she could eventually help more as things devolved, but she is leaving right when things are getting worse.
They (my wife and her mom) are also worried because my sister-in-law is moving to a new town where she doesn't know anyone. She just picked a town she could afford, found a job there, bought a house, and moved in the span of 2 months and without really telling anyone anything other than she was applying for jobs out of state. Next was "I got a job and I am going to take it" followed by "I bought a house" and then "Maybe mom can come up sometime once I have settled in." Just like that from applying for a job to moving. The new job pays less than she was making here, by the way, so it was not some great financial opportunity and she had never even BEEN to the town she bought her house in.
Is that selfish? Is that excusable? Her mom probably doesn't have that many good years left where she will even be able to recognize us and she just packed up and left. My wife says it was a huge middle finger to her and the family has been destroyed.
How do I help my wife and her mother get through this? My sis-in-law obviously isn't moving back. She knows she hurt my wife, but she says she has to live her own life. In the process she is destroying ours, though. My wife and her mom both cry daily and then there are fits of rage, too. They say they feel like my sis-in-law has died. My own emotional well-being is suffering as a result. What, if anything, should I tell my sister-in-law? My wife is thinking she may need to put mom in a home since she now suddenly can't rely on her sister for anything.
1. Listen to her and let her vent. She needs someone to listen without judgment. Encourage her NOT to vent to her mom or to reflect her mom's anger. That does not help either of them. Also, please watch your own words - you've expressed a lot of anger and contempt for your SIL here in your post. Saying things like this to them will only escalate their distress.
2. Keep a sharp eye out for an increase in the frequency or intensity of her anger. It's not good for her to let those feelings go on too long. if she isn't feeling any better soon encourage her to work through it with a therapist.
3. Remind your wife (and yourself) that people DO have a right to live their life. This includes the two of you. Your MIL's care needs may well exceed your ability to meet them someday. Make sure your wife does not promise her mom she'll never put her in professional care. She may not be able to keep that promise and also keep her health or your marriage.
4. If she needs help caring for her mom, help her get it. It's in everyone's best interest to be honest about what you can and can't handle. Nobody can handle 24/7 care by themselves (should it come to that). There is a reason professional memory care exists.
I don't see the need to confront your wife's sister. She had a right to live where she wants; further, she already wasn't doing anything. What you had was a fantasy that she would step up. It's always disappointing when a fantasy is lost. But, consider that sis leaving might prove to be the best possible thing that could have happened. If it forces your wife to accept someday that her only option is to get the professional help she needs, it is a good thing.
I am curious why your wife figures she will be responsible for her dad, I mean he did move clear across the country to live his own life. Obviously not worried about a relationship with his children. So why does sister moving destroy the family, yet dad moving obligates your wife to be his long distance caregiver?
You brought up everything that you guys and your MIL did for your SIL. Then you say you aren't saying she owes you for the help, yet you guys have kept score.
I have had many family members live in our home, free of charge, to help them recover, get back on their feet and I couldn't tell you a thing about those times. It was help offered and accepted, no score kept, no future payback expected.
Perhaps you and your ladies should search your hearts for forgiveness for a sister, daughter, SIL. Maybe wiping away the score board and just loving her for who she is might make her more open to handle things that can be managed long distance. Like banking, scheduling appointments, arranging transportation, researching facilities and the like. Maybe not but, a clean slate is a good thing no matter what she decides.
SIL has just moved precisely because she can see lots more obligations coming up, she doesn’t agree that this is the right thing to do, and she has no intention of being forced into it by you, your wife or your MIL. Way to go! Thank heavens that someone in the family has some sense.
Is this where you are at with W and MIL? Do you resent it? Have you considered counseling yourself?
In the near future, you can address getting more helpers involved in caring for MIL - when SIL's move is not a major issue for either of them.
I am a 65 y.o. female middle child of five siblings. My mom died of CHF in 2017. The last few years of my mom's life were very difficult. My father, who is now 93, took good care of my mom, although there was a tremendous amount of pressure imposed on both my sister and me to help care for mom. (We are Italian, and unfortunately, that's what is expected of Italian daughters). I managed to work a full time job, commute 40 miles each way to my parents house, once, sometimes twice per week. It was very difficult, and exhausting.
My sister backed way off when my mom died, and she really did very little to care for my dad who was emotionally devastated, and needed a lot of support. I was very confused, and angry as to why my sister abandoned our dad.
Well, my sister died from bone marrow cancer last December 2021. This tragedy caused even more emotional distress for our family. My dad has had two strokes since her death. My eldest brother lives with dad, and has been doing so rent free for at least 15 years. He and dad fight constantly.
I have come to realize that my dad (who does not want any in home help like cleaning, cooking, bathing, laundry) expects me to continue to sacrifice what is left of my life to sit by his side, hold his hand, and comfort him. My brothers also feel that outside help or AL is not necessary. I have offered solutions, all of which have been batted away.
I allowed my life to be hijacked by my parents for at least 7 years, and I can't do it anymore. I explained this to my brothers, and they are no longer speaking to me. One actually accused me of wanting "a medal" for my years of selflessness. This caused me to rethink why I did what I did.
I haven't moved away to a different state, but I now only visit once a week. Soon, I will visit every 10 days. I need to get my life back. I owe this to myself, and my husband, who has hung in there helping all along. It has only been a few weeks since I made the decision to take a huge step back, but I already feel the positive effects. I am saving myself. I have stepped down from the cross.
My point is maybe OP's SIL realized that she has to save herself. I can't change other people, their expectations, or their choices. No one can.
You helped your parents for years. Of course you want to save yourself. And even then - you say you’ll still visit every 10 days…
In other words, it looks like your plan is not to totally abandon your father and not help at all.
I hope your exploitative brothers help out!
Regarding OP:
the SIL did very little to help, most of it landing on OP’s wife. And now SIL might help almost nothing - which means it’ll all land on OP’s wife.
It isn’t just about saving oneself, but the consequences of one’s decision on one’s siblings.
1 sibling being exploited, used.
You sc1957 were exploited.
Even if OP’s MIL goes to a facility, someone (OP’s wife?) needs to find a good facility. It takes time/energy. And then you don’t just dump your parent there and say “arrivederci! bye bye!”
As a loving adult child, you help, advocate…
It takes time/energy.
Why should all of that land on 1 sibling (OP’s wife)? Of course it shouldn’t. OP’s SIL can help from anywhere on Earth, wherever she lives, with phone calls, but it seems she doesn’t want to help; prefers to sacrifice her sister’s life.
A lot of people prefer to sacrifice - someone else’s - life.
If you read back a bit you will find that MIL threatened suicide three years ago when going to a facility was being discussed. It seems that SIL didn't agree to more and more home care, backed off after that, probably had been willing to help earlier. H and W kept MIL with them. Now things are getting difficult, they are pressuring SIL even more.
Perhaps God is really glad she’s escaped? Or are you just guessing about that too?