Please stop using the term "loved one". I have done much of my caregiving for family members who have been rude, angry and cruel for years. I have done this out of obligation.
I have been handed a club sandwich - 3 generations to care for, so there's been a revolving door of people to take care of and people with problems. After our daughter died, my wife, now ex-wife, abandoned me with our surviving kids. Before that, my brother went to prison 12,000 miles away, and I supported him as best I could, which included working with the US Embassy to get him out of a cell with 6 members of that country's organized crime syndicate.
My youngest sister became psychotic when she went off her medicine, and stopped working for 3 months to take care of her, and spent significant time thereafter when I finally was able to get her into treatment.
My brother rewarded me with an explosion as soon as I saw him when he returned to the USA, and he has been rude and angry (and unemployed) in the 10 years since.
My sister was furious throughout her treatment, and is still rude and entitled (she also has borderline personality or narcissistic personality disorder, depending on the diagnosis).
My father developed cancer while she was psychotic and my mother had developed Alzheimers, and I've had to manage my father's healthcare (he died, leaving records that took me almost 2 years to sort through), and my mother throughout this period. I have one sane sister, and she is also overwhelmed.
I really wish my brother and youngest sister didn't exist.
So please, in the future, be wary of plastering this page with the term "loved ones". Many people are caregiving out of obligation, are feeling punished, and seeing "loved ones" everywhere makes us feel worse.
If it's all getting to be too much, please go talk to someone about your options. I don't think you are required to provide care to anyone except to your own minor children.
(In my head I'm saying Hairy Old Man... he he)
So funny! Thanks for the laugh. I need a good laugh right now.
You know what I have always giggled at? Your answer reminds me of it.
Young women notice great looking cars. They look to see who is driving. They are always so disappointed to see a ‘fat middle aged man’ behind the wheel. Of course, it is! Young people can’t afford those fancy sports cars. It’s a ‘mid life crises’ car!
He said he had always assumed it stood for D!*# Head.
So make them all stand for whatever you like :)
Did feminism go so wrong that he would assume that..?
When a complete stranger pops in with an answer, don't take every response to heart, cypher through them. Use what is best for you and your situation. We could just put down LO, could mean Lousy One, Lazy One, Lonely One, and the worst. for you for now..Loved one,.. likable one, limpy one, lovely one, listy one. and the Legumes go On...
Thank God they have and had you to rely on.. You made a better world for them. Know you did, and know they appreciated you and your sacrifice. Seriously...You made their World better, even miles away.. KNOW THAT.
Don't feel bad.. most of these inquires, blogs, self explanatory obligated, can't sleep at night, or just plain ole responses, are for reading. looking at, considering about their authentic sources.. to look through think about, put away in your brain, barn, or recyclable receptacle, and skim over. It's up to the reader to think about what is worth retaining... And know you are not alone. Some have more on their plate, and some less. But we have been there some way, some how, or are going through it....been through it or are new to this...looking for a community what has been there - done that....
I am sorry for all the issues and situations that were thrown at you, your family and LO's...
So I will start using the LO...and you can use & read into those letters anyway you want. besides, it is less typing.... Says the person who can't sleep, and fingers feel like they are about to snap off with every letter I pound on.
Good Night...
I often had problems buying greeting cards. Some sentiments on those cards drive me crazy when they don’t suit the person we are buying them for so we have to read a bazillion cards before finding one that is suitable.
Terms like this just seem to stick around. I’m sure a lot of people don’t like it just like many other stupid labels.
I don’t use labels if I don’t like them. Maybe it’s used due to lack of a better term or just a habit for some people to say like, ‘Have a nice day!’ When did that become popular? No one really means it. Hahaha Does the cashier in a store really mean it? I doubt it but they are programmed to recite it.
I’m sorry that you have had to care for miserable people. That has to be really hard. Don’t do it anymore if it is getting to be too much. How old are your siblings?
Tell them you’re not going to be responsible for them and let it go. Not worth being miserable for. Some people can’t change or won’t change their behavior so break free from them.
I have crappy siblings too. My oldest brother spent seven years in jail. I get how hard it is. He asked to live with me. I outright refused.
He was a heroin addict and I would have never exposed my kids to that. I didn’t even go visit him in jail. My parents did. I just couldn’t.
I did care for him. He had HepC. I took him to doctor appointments and so forth. I set him up with hospice. I planned his burial. I did forgive him. My heart goes out to addicts. He was a good person at heart, made bad choices very young. Fell into peer pressure. Sad. Cost him his life.
I did my best to support him as best I could. We had very rough patches and I had to cut him out of my life at times. Trust me, I know it’s complicated. It’s really hard. You have my empathy.
Sorry about your wife leaving after the death of your daughter. Sadly, that happens sometimes. Tragedy can tear a family apart. My friend who lost her son in a drowning accident at four years of age had her husband leave her with their four remaining children. They constantly argued and blamed each other for his death. Sadly the dad thought the mom was watching the little boy and the mom thought the dad was watching and he wondered into the pond on their property. It was truly the saddest funeral I ever attended.
I sincerely hope things get better for you.
Another child 3 years old, the parents were getting ready for a mother's day party.... The parents were both getting ready when the child fell into their pool...
It was an accident. I am sorry for your friend who had to go through this.. I am sorry the parents were blaming each other... That is should not happen.. blaming doesn't help anyone here.
I recall that a poster named: NoTryDoYoda said it best..."love is a verb" (& when we care for a person they are the "loved one" by that definition). It may be best to look at it that way, cuz it makes it less emotional, & more service describing.
Not sure if that's acceptable, but it would be awkward to have to drop the abbreviation LO entirely. ✌
Just my 2 cents!!
Everything is scripted, how about, “Do you want fries with that?”
Kind of like reality TV isn’t really ‘reality TV! I keep telling my daughter that the Kardashians show is scripted! She says she knows but likes to watch it anyway. Hahaha
LO: Loon Old? Life Obligations? Legally Ours? Short for *loco*? (Sorry if offend)
this forum. I am so sorry as I see in your case, it definitely does not apply! Good grief - you've been through he##. Prayers this very second sent to you.
We should just refer to them as "the parent/aunt/uncle/brother/sister I'm taking care of" The reference doesn't become incorrect or inappropriate this way.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through juggling life & being taken advantage of. Sometimes we just have to learn to say no for our own sanity. I’ll take care of my sweet husband when he needs it but that’s it! Our children have good support systems within their families but I’d be there to support if needed.
You cant do it all, take care of YOU! You didn’t say but is your mom in a facility or with you?
You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family!
Take care.
But, I'm still there every Monday with a smile on my face (and a grumble under my breath) to take her to town and hear her fuss at me because I'm not doing something right. I've told DH that honestly, when she dies, the only reason I will be at her funeral is so that he doesn't have to field a bunch of questions from others about why I'm not there. I have no care for her and see her only as a negative and hateful obligation that I have to tend to. I'd rather scrape out the cat box!
"Where does the obligation come from if not love?" For me, just that need to "do the right/expected thing" the desire to "not disappoint", not love I can promise you.
Love is not always a benign emotion, let alone a tender or joyous one, and I can't agree that terming relatives, dependents, family members or whatever "loved ones" implies that one must necessarily have happy or positive feelings towards them.
But if this happens to grate on you - and I will agree that it annoys the bejasus out of me when it's used as a lazy anodyne virtue-signalling patronising piece of hooey by one of the Great and Good, certainly - then tell whoever's using it to switch to whichever term you're more comfortable with.
If you don't mind my observation, though - are there not rather a lot of bigger and sharper burrs in your bustle? You are most welcome to discuss those, or vent about them, in any way that you please.
I have no love for my brother (who is about as irresponsible as they come), and sometimes tolerate my psychotic sister, because she finally did agree to go through treatment (after she moved into her landlord's house while it was being remodeled and caused $20,000 in damage in a day while attempting to evade the imaginary people who were pursuing her). Hopefully, this time, she'll stay medication and treatment compliant, and hopefully some day will be less snotty.
My ex-wife deserves nothing but disdain, after abandoning our kids, and for the punishment she dished out on me after our daughter died - I wasn't responsible in any way, but that didn't stop her.
My parents were good to me and my mother, who is alive but whose memory is failing, were good to me, so I do love them, as I love my kids. It's not fair to dump my mother into a nursing home. She's amazingly physically fit, plays golf and tennis a few times a week, and one day when alone walked to the drug store (an 8-mile round trip), which terrified us. Unfortunately, she can't remember a conversation she had 15 minutes ago.
And yes, there is another problem. I have no life, and I barely have time to work. I'd like to retire some day, rather than work and manage my sister until I'm 80 or 85.