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Please stop using the term "loved one". I have done much of my caregiving for family members who have been rude, angry and cruel for years. I have done this out of obligation.


I have been handed a club sandwich - 3 generations to care for, so there's been a revolving door of people to take care of and people with problems. After our daughter died, my wife, now ex-wife, abandoned me with our surviving kids. Before that, my brother went to prison 12,000 miles away, and I supported him as best I could, which included working with the US Embassy to get him out of a cell with 6 members of that country's organized crime syndicate.


My youngest sister became psychotic when she went off her medicine, and stopped working for 3 months to take care of her, and spent significant time thereafter when I finally was able to get her into treatment.


My brother rewarded me with an explosion as soon as I saw him when he returned to the USA, and he has been rude and angry (and unemployed) in the 10 years since.


My sister was furious throughout her treatment, and is still rude and entitled (she also has borderline personality or narcissistic personality disorder, depending on the diagnosis).


My father developed cancer while she was psychotic and my mother had developed Alzheimers, and I've had to manage my father's healthcare (he died, leaving records that took me almost 2 years to sort through), and my mother throughout this period. I have one sane sister, and she is also overwhelmed.


I really wish my brother and youngest sister didn't exist.


So please, in the future, be wary of plastering this page with the term "loved ones". Many people are caregiving out of obligation, are feeling punished, and seeing "loved ones" everywhere makes us feel worse.

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If it's all getting to be too much, please go talk to someone about your options. I don't think you are required to provide care to anyone except to your own minor children.
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I hear you, brother.
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Been there. When professionals site someone's advanced age as an excuse for their poor behavior I want to ask, "Yeah, what was their excuse when they were twenty something?" It was and is difficult letting go all my past anger, to recognize the individuals physical condition and mental condition has declined, and the person requires care. IMO What stands out about your statement is that although the person (s) was unkind, or abusive you took care of them. Call it a morals, call it obligation but there are many people who would ignore Obligation to the point of neglect-- that is not only not personally taking care of the person but not allowing someone else to do so or help them provide care. However, you stepped up to do what was decent and necessary. Perhaps, think of the term "Loved One" as the definition of the quality of care you give, rather than the individual you are caring for. Thank you for your rant, it helped hear myself today.
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When I see those men driving those cars and looking over to see if I'm looking I hold up my baby finger. In other words "what are you compensating for?"
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Hahaha, absolutely!
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My DH suggested I refer to him in type as HOM. Hot Older Male.

(In my head I'm saying Hairy Old Man... he he)
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Beatty,

So funny! Thanks for the laugh. I need a good laugh right now.

You know what I have always giggled at? Your answer reminds me of it.

Young women notice great looking cars. They look to see who is driving. They are always so disappointed to see a ‘fat middle aged man’ behind the wheel. Of course, it is! Young people can’t afford those fancy sports cars. It’s a ‘mid life crises’ car!
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How about U O for ungrateful one or A O for annoying one? At the end of the day call them what you want. We on here don't know who you are talking about anyway so it's all the same to us.
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While discussing forum ettiquite & other things, I mentioned this topic on abbreviations to my husband. (He reads IT forums so has little idea of human interactions..). I gave the example of DH for husbands.

He said he had always assumed it stood for D!*# Head.

So make them all stand for whatever you like :)
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Countrymouse Mar 2020
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard! 😟

Did feminism go so wrong that he would assume that..?
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Obliged One? Obligated being? Relative? Someone you need to take care of?
When a complete stranger pops in with an answer, don't take every response to heart, cypher through them. Use what is best for you and your situation. We could just put down LO, could mean Lousy One, Lazy One, Lonely One, and the worst. for you for now..Loved one,.. likable one, limpy one, lovely one, listy one. and the Legumes go On...

Thank God they have and had you to rely on.. You made a better world for them. Know you did, and know they appreciated you and your sacrifice. Seriously...You made their World better, even miles away.. KNOW THAT.

Don't feel bad.. most of these inquires, blogs, self explanatory obligated, can't sleep at night, or just plain ole responses, are for reading. looking at, considering about their authentic sources.. to look through think about, put away in your brain, barn, or recyclable receptacle, and skim over. It's up to the reader to think about what is worth retaining... And know you are not alone. Some have more on their plate, and some less. But we have been there some way, some how, or are going through it....been through it or are new to this...looking for a community what has been there - done that....

I am sorry for all the issues and situations that were thrown at you, your family and LO's...

So I will start using the LO...and you can use & read into those letters anyway you want. besides, it is less typing.... Says the person who can't sleep, and fingers feel like they are about to snap off with every letter I pound on.

Good Night...
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elaine1962 Sep 2019
MAYDAY, good answer!! I love it!! You summed it up perfectly!!! We can use LO to mean anything we want!! Thank you for that. It really does help!!
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I am not crazy for the term, ‘loved one’ either. It’s a catch phrase, know what I mean? You’re right though, not everyone even deserves to be called a loved one.

I often had problems buying greeting cards. Some sentiments on those cards drive me crazy when they don’t suit the person we are buying them for so we have to read a bazillion cards before finding one that is suitable.

Terms like this just seem to stick around. I’m sure a lot of people don’t like it just like many other stupid labels.

I don’t use labels if I don’t like them. Maybe it’s used due to lack of a better term or just a habit for some people to say like, ‘Have a nice day!’ When did that become popular? No one really means it. Hahaha Does the cashier in a store really mean it? I doubt it but they are programmed to recite it.

I’m sorry that you have had to care for miserable people. That has to be really hard. Don’t do it anymore if it is getting to be too much. How old are your siblings?

Tell them you’re not going to be responsible for them and let it go. Not worth being miserable for. Some people can’t change or won’t change their behavior so break free from them.

I have crappy siblings too. My oldest brother spent seven years in jail. I get how hard it is. He asked to live with me. I outright refused.

He was a heroin addict and I would have never exposed my kids to that. I didn’t even go visit him in jail. My parents did. I just couldn’t.

I did care for him. He had HepC. I took him to doctor appointments and so forth. I set him up with hospice. I planned his burial. I did forgive him. My heart goes out to addicts. He was a good person at heart, made bad choices very young. Fell into peer pressure. Sad. Cost him his life.

I did my best to support him as best I could. We had very rough patches and I had to cut him out of my life at times. Trust me, I know it’s complicated. It’s really hard. You have my empathy.

Sorry about your wife leaving after the death of your daughter. Sadly, that happens sometimes. Tragedy can tear a family apart. My friend who lost her son in a drowning accident at four years of age had her husband leave her with their four remaining children. They constantly argued and blamed each other for his death. Sadly the dad thought the mom was watching the little boy and the mom thought the dad was watching and he wondered into the pond on their property. It was truly the saddest funeral I ever attended.

I sincerely hope things get better for you.
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MAYDAY Sep 2019
Child deaths are the worst. My child's classmat died of meningitis.. age 4,.. and the school dealt with it straight on, and so maturely for all these kids, to understand that...

Another child 3 years old, the parents were getting ready for a mother's day party.... The parents were both getting ready when the child fell into their pool...
It was an accident. I am sorry for your friend who had to go through this.. I am sorry the parents were blaming each other... That is should not happen.. blaming doesn't help anyone here.
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Yes, it is word that doesn't apply to many situations and can be highly triggering! Care recipient is a much better word for some situations!
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WHAT ELSE CAN WE POLITELY CALL THEM? - many use up their 'loved one' statis long before they pass but what else can we call them? - it is a kind/politically correct way to refer to them - I am sorry you have such a dysfunctional family but at one time you loved them [I hope] & unfortunately you have to deal with the dregs of what is left - set boundaries for your family to keep your sanity is the best advise I can say
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Hi again, I agree that LO doesn't always mean we loved them. But by caring for them: we are essentially being loving...to them... anyway.
I recall that a poster named: NoTryDoYoda said it best..."love is a verb" (& when we care for a person they are the "loved one" by that definition). It may be best to look at it that way, cuz it makes it less emotional, & more service describing.
Not sure if that's acceptable, but it would be awkward to have to drop the abbreviation LO entirely. ✌
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I used to call my late father 'person who calls himself my father'. It was to the point. .
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In truth, I use the term 'love one' because that is the term that is use here. However, for the love of my mother has long been dead, therefore I call her my mother...not love one...not even mom unless I am talking about better past, but in most, she is my mother. And the term LO is just that--a term because I have been here long enough to know not everyone who is being cared for is loving!


Just my 2 cents!!
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Lostinva Sep 2019
You hit the nail on the head! My sentiments exactly!!!! Thank you!!!
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Okay, I don’t like the term, ‘passed’ when someone dies. Just irritating to me. I heard a psychologist say once, it can actually water down the grieving process by saying ‘passed’. We pass kidney stones, tests, etc. Know what I mean? Just say, “died.”
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Katsmihur Sep 2019
I’ve heard the same. To help Mom get unstuck, it was recommended NOT using the word ‘passed’ and using ‘died’ when we spoke about Dad.
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Generic term, just like the old, “Have a nice day!” Does anyone mean that BS?

Everything is scripted, how about, “Do you want fries with that?”

Kind of like reality TV isn’t really ‘reality TV! I keep telling my daughter that the Kardashians show is scripted! She says she knows but likes to watch it anyway. Hahaha
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I found LO (& others) a little sugary for my taste. Well established on forums so I just overrode mentally with my own labels: DS Dear Sister now Dependant Sister. (Could be Dirtbag/Doofus/Dreaded).

LO: Loon Old? Life Obligations? Legally Ours? Short for *loco*? (Sorry if offend)
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polarbear Sep 2019
Beatty - those variations are funny.
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LO is an acronym we use here on
this forum. I am so sorry as I see in your case, it definitely does not apply! Good grief - you've been through he##. Prayers this very second sent to you.
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I chuckle to myself every time I see the commercial on tv where the daughter n law is making coffee for her mother n law and how the daughter n law takes care of her and they are both smiling and don’t know what they would do without each other. The daughter n law is the caregiver. Every time I say to the tv why aren’t you two screaming at each other!! Why isn’t the mother n law hurling insults at the daughter-in-law!!! This commercial is fake!!! It’s not reality!!!
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Shell38314 Sep 2019
I see the same commercial and wonder 'what world do they live in?' In TV Land! It is just so fake!!
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Agreed! Doesn't the term "loved one" make you gag a little.

We should just refer to them as "the parent/aunt/uncle/brother/sister I'm taking care of" The reference doesn't become incorrect or inappropriate this way.
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I noticed that when people talked about their parent. Not everyone has or had a loving parent. My mother has always treated me like someone she couldn’t stand. I don’t know why at the age of 70 & a 35 yr career as a critical care nurse, I could take care of this woman! She’s not going to change ever! Definitely qualified but her narcisstic behavior makes life miserable. It will only get better for us when she moves to a nursing home for which she is on 4 waiting lists!!!
I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through juggling life & being taken advantage of. Sometimes we just have to learn to say no for our own sanity. I’ll take care of my sweet husband when he needs it but that’s it! Our children have good support systems within their families but I’d be there to support if needed.
You cant do it all, take care of YOU! You didn’t say but is your mom in a facility or with you?
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Gotta agree, just because you are related doesn’t require you to love anyone. I have 27 first cousins, some I love, some I like, some I tolerate, and a few I avoid. My father made himself and everyone around him miserable for 20 years and I am sorry that my love for him died. But I can either learn from his mistakes or move on and enjoy the rest of MY life loving those that deserve it and not bothering with those who don’t.

You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family!
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jacobsonbob Sep 2019
Actually, you can do both (i.e., learn from his mistakes, and move on to enjoy your life with those who deserve it).
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It's an overused term . Honestly . Just because these people are in your family, does not mean that they are saints.... They are people, just like you and me, and everyone else on this site. Trust me, I love my mom, but I acknowledge that I don't like her, I miss how our life used to be, before she got sick, before she got hooked on pills, before her anger, sadness, her yelling, screaming at me constantly, it took me a long time to face the fact, that just because she's my mom, doesn't make it right.... That I was being abused, mentally and emotionally, her guilt tripping me, even now, when she's in the nursing home... I hate it... She's calmer, happier in there then I have seen her in YEARS.... since my childhood... I know she's technically my aunt... but to me, she's my mom, she took me in when she was 60.... she's now 80... I didn't realize the toll it would take on her as well. I love her, but I honestly don't think I can live with her anymore . Abuse is abuse period... I'm sorry, weather it's from addiction, dementia, or anything else... the caregiver shouldn't have to endure that pain . I honestly don't know why social workers are not called in sooner to interfere and help the caregiver and the family member, your telling me, that when a caregiver goes to a doctors office with the family member, that you can't sense that something is off.... My mom wouldn't let me talk at all, when we went to the doctors.... she would lie and say she's fine, or just not tell the doctor everything... Looking back... I can't believe how much it all effected me emotionally and mentally ... I know she's 80... but god... I feel like there should be more done with the elderly and the caregiver... if something seems "off" , pull the caregiver aside in a seperate room, hear there side of the story... To me, abuse is abuse period. I know my mom loves me , and I love her... but looking back , at other people in the family... I didn't relize how others basically acted the same way to there loved ones too... and there not all elderly... It's taking me a long time to take all this in... To look back on my life, from every angle . Yes I'm 27... But god...now I get, why I'm having trust issues with people, that are trying to help me... I hope that one day, they have more options out there for family caregivers.... no one, deserves to be abused by anyone, even if it's there own family .
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I truly understand and wish life wasn't so difficult for you. After the death of my father 15 years ago, I was given the legal responsibility to care for my mother, my elderly Aunt and my older brother, a former drug addict. Neither of these people are very nice or comfortable to be around. Thank goodness that my mother had enough money to put in a nursing home before her dementia worsened. I was appointed her legal guardian and trustee as my two older brothers are not capable and refused to care of her business, financial and caretaker affairs. She is not easy to visit, so I keep my contact visits to her to a minimum. I do this like you, out of a sense of obligation. As I grew older, my body broke down from all the stress and I now struggle with chronic issues that will eventually end my life sooner than later. I do hope that when you need help, there is someone out there that will step up to the plate and provide this care for you. I have an adult daughter. But, I can't expect much from her. So, I am pretty much on my own as my health worsens and older. Good Luck!
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I can relate....I have considered moving away and changing my name...After reading your story, I strongly suggest you do the same! Some of the things you have mentioned cannot be helped...like the dementia, the cancer, etc... but the rest of it sounds like folks who don't want to help themselves.  At what point are people considered to be responsible for themselves?  Sometimes you have to let the chips fall where they may...

Take care.
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Sometimes we have to be "nice"--even if we don't want to be.  I hate "labels", but this is one that is generalized, so just use it and march on.
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Oh I'm right there with you! I no longer feel any love for my MIL, actually there are days, if I'm honest that I downright hate her and hate how she's treated my family over the last two decades. I never said anything over the years that she ignored my 3 kids to fawn over and raise her other two grands. But now that I'm the one pressed into service more than that side, I am pretty resentful.

But, I'm still there every Monday with a smile on my face (and a grumble under my breath) to take her to town and hear her fuss at me because I'm not doing something right. I've told DH that honestly, when she dies, the only reason I will be at her funeral is so that he doesn't have to field a bunch of questions from others about why I'm not there. I have no care for her and see her only as a negative and hateful obligation that I have to tend to. I'd rather scrape out the cat box!

"Where does the obligation come from if not love?" For me, just that need to "do the right/expected thing" the desire to "not disappoint", not love I can promise you.
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jacobsonbob Sep 2019
calicokat--You also should go to her funeral to satisfy yourself that she is "most sincerely" dead (as one of the Munchkins said on "The Wizard of Oz")!
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Perfect. I so understand
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We are caregivers. So, how about Care Receiver (CR) instead of LO for the people we're caring for. They are receiving care, right?
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cwillie Sep 2019
The problem with playing around with abbreviations is that people are constantly coming on the forum complaining that they don't know what they mean. It's possible to google things like LO, DH, SO, MIL because they are commonly used across multiple forums and platforms.
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Where does the obligation come from, if not from love?

Love is not always a benign emotion, let alone a tender or joyous one, and I can't agree that terming relatives, dependents, family members or whatever "loved ones" implies that one must necessarily have happy or positive feelings towards them.

But if this happens to grate on you - and I will agree that it annoys the bejasus out of me when it's used as a lazy anodyne virtue-signalling patronising piece of hooey by one of the Great and Good, certainly - then tell whoever's using it to switch to whichever term you're more comfortable with.

If you don't mind my observation, though - are there not rather a lot of bigger and sharper burrs in your bustle? You are most welcome to discuss those, or vent about them, in any way that you please.
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MomsLilHelper Sep 2019
Obligation comes from early training to be responsible, and is not necessarily connected to love. I've done things for total strangers, including risking my life trying (unsuccessfully) to get a woman out of a burning car, because it was the right thing to do.

I have no love for my brother (who is about as irresponsible as they come), and sometimes tolerate my psychotic sister, because she finally did agree to go through treatment (after she moved into her landlord's house while it was being remodeled and caused $20,000 in damage in a day while attempting to evade the imaginary people who were pursuing her). Hopefully, this time, she'll stay medication and treatment compliant, and hopefully some day will be less snotty.

My ex-wife deserves nothing but disdain, after abandoning our kids, and for the punishment she dished out on me after our daughter died - I wasn't responsible in any way, but that didn't stop her.

My parents were good to me and my mother, who is alive but whose memory is failing, were good to me, so I do love them, as I love my kids. It's not fair to dump my mother into a nursing home. She's amazingly physically fit, plays golf and tennis a few times a week, and one day when alone walked to the drug store (an 8-mile round trip), which terrified us. Unfortunately, she can't remember a conversation she had 15 minutes ago.

And yes, there is another problem. I have no life, and I barely have time to work. I'd like to retire some day, rather than work and manage my sister until I'm 80 or 85.
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