Why is the term loved one used so often? There are family members I'm caring for or have cared for that I can't stand.

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Why is the term loved one used so often? There are family members I'm caring for or have cared for that I can't stand.

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Please stop using the term "loved one". I have done much of my caregiving for family members who have been rude, angry and cruel for years. I have done this out of obligation.

I have been handed a club sandwich - 3 generations to care for, so there's been a revolving door of people to take care of and people with problems. After our daughter died, my wife, now ex-wife, abandoned me with our surviving kids. Before that, my brother went to prison 12,000 miles away, and I supported him as best I could, which included working with the US Embassy to get him out of a cell with 6 members of that country's organized crime syndicate.

My youngest sister became psychotic when she went off her medicine, and stopped working for 3 months to take care of her, and spent significant time thereafter when I finally was able to get her into treatment.

My brother rewarded me with an explosion as soon as I saw him when he returned to the USA, and he has been rude and angry (and unemployed) in the 10 years since.

My sister was furious throughout her treatment, and is still rude and entitled (she also has borderline personality or narcissistic personality disorder, depending on the diagnosis).

My father developed cancer while she was psychotic and my mother had developed Alzheimers, and I've had to manage my father's healthcare (he died, leaving records that took me almost 2 years to sort through), and my mother throughout this period. I have one sane sister, and she is also overwhelmed.

I really wish my brother and youngest sister didn't exist.

So please, in the future, be wary of plastering this page with the term "loved ones". Many people are caregiving out of obligation, are feeling punished, and seeing "loved ones" everywhere makes us feel worse.

Burnout Sandwich Generation Working Caregiver

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I'm so sorry for your burdens. It's difficult enough to handle eldercare, but supporting siblings who should paddle their own canoes, or at least show some gratitude for the help you offer, can be crushing.

You have far more to deal with than many people, and I hope you can find peace in the middle of this storm you didn't create.

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This is a refreshing post. I can relate. Thank you for sharing. I hope there is a silver lining somewhere in your plight. Maybe it's the one sane yet overwhelmed sister you have.

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The term "love one" is generic here on the forums when someone is answering a question but doesn't know who is the person being cared for.

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I sometimes use it as a substitute when a specific title (mom/dad/husband/wife...) doesn't apply, especially when giving broad advice that works for everyone, but I try not to use it if someone obviously has a difficult relationship with their care recipient. Many times it's assumed your are doing this from a place of love or why the heck are you involved at all, KWIM?

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I have been on this site for years and not ONCE did the LO make me think "Loved One" I just think "oh, a relative, not close, not MIL or DIL or SIL--just LO meaning someone you're kind of feeling responsible for .

It does rankle a little when the person you have to care for IS a LO yet you feel nothing but anger or frustration about them.

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Agreed. I do what I do out of obligation. I formerly loved the two parents I am now responsible for, however, the parents who raised me and that I loved, disappeared a very long time ago.

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LO - loved once. A long time ago. Dementia destroys a lot of connections. I replaced them with sympathy and empathy so I could go on to be effective as a caregiver. Not overnight though. It's been a long bumpy road to get where I am today.

(4)

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It seems to me that giving this amount of loving care to so many who either can not or will not be in any way loving or grateful in return has made you drained, unhappy, angry and hopeless. And your sister as well. I hope it is not that you always feel this way, but that feelings have come in today like a bad weather front and it's looking very stormy.
I am afraid I am missing the gene for "obligation". I have always fully recognized my limitations, and I stay within them. I will never get any nominations for Sainthood; no one will ever pray to me as a fallen Martyr.
It is my one life. I do what I can for people I consider "loved ones" (funny as that phrase is to me since the book and the movie). The doing of what little I am capable of doing has filled my heart.
I might wish I were a better person. I might, but in fact I usually don't.
Most of my advice on this forum has been along the lines of recognizing our own humanity, our own flaws, and most of all our own limitations: cautions not to take on more than can be accomplished and still allow ourselves a good life.
Sorry that it is so tough for you, and for your sister as well.

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Agree, (👏AlvaDeer).

(7)

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Sometimes when we are rubbed raw everything can cause a flare of pain. For most of us when someone we love (or used to love) suffers from an illness that turns them into something unrecognizable we still have that kernel of remembered love to sustain us, those of you who are left holding the bag for people who never were kind or loving or were downright abusive owe them nothing but the absolute minimum we would give to any needy human being (if that). Many of the people who come to the forum with families such as yours will be advised to step away from caregiving, to set boundaries, even to go completely no contact with the toxic people in their lives.

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Many here already use abbreviations.
Maybe you can try to mentally translate one for your situation when we forget?
Just substitute what the letters stand for, which may vary based on your current frustration level.
DS can be dear, dependent, defective, or da#n.
LO might be limited, linked, Limpet-like, or loathed.

I respect your sense of responsibility.

Remember to use the techniques that work for you and feel free to set aside the ones that don't. Trying to stay positive is effective for many, a sense of humor can work for me, but defining boundaries with family that are semi-functional or worse may only look doable after you've done it (sometimes over and over and over again ... <sigh>).

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Loathed One....love it! .

(17)

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No good deed goes unpunished. But you can go to bed knowing you did all you could. I bet you feel now you should have just left brother in prison. Your sister, you will never change and you may need (if u haven't already) just step away and let her fend for herself.

You don't say if Mom is still alive. And if so, how she is being cared for. If in someones home, there will, if not already, come a time when she needs more care than you can give. Then it will be time for LTC. No money, apply for Medicaid. Once in nice LTC facility, a lot of burden will be lifted. All their needs met. Other than clothing. Toiletries are provided, Depends, laundry, etc. You just visit.

When all is said and done, you have done your share. The rest of your life is yours. The two unappreciative siblings just write off. You did for them, now its time for them to find their way. I may point them in the right direction but I wouldn't do it for them or care for them. Or, give them money. If they are hungry feed them. Need shoes, clothes buy them.

You have done your time.

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Yet despite not liking them or what they do or don't do, you are, by your caring, showing them love. Love does not mean you have to like them or approve of their life. Love is a verb more than it is an emotion.

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Obligations... Not necessarily involving 'love'

(3)

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Sounds like you're in a very rough spot that is not at all enviable.

I would try to let the little frustrations, like the use of LO, flow right over you so that don't add stress to your life over one of those many things that you can not control.

Please take care of yourself, somehow. You need a break. You don't need to care about the crappy people in your life. Don't let them hurt you anymore.

I know, I know - easier said than done. But it's something to work towards!

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Your only obligation is to you and your children ...until they are 18 yo . Everyone else can leave. & don’t let door hit them on way out. Help your children become independent so they can support themselves. That’s it! Let us know how you are doing. Hugs 🤗

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I totally agree with you and have had the same reaction. I used to say "I'm taking care of an unloved one." Equally annoying are those articles that start with the presumption "Of course we all want the very best for our family members..."

People make a lot of assumptions about caregiving, and about family relations in general. Assigning responsibility for care to family members is justified because you love them and you want to do it. And it you don't love them or don't want to do it, then there's something wrong with you since you should love them and want to do it.

It bites. No doubt about it.

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Thank you for sharing that, (I did not realize that 'LO' was hurtful to some people). I had a crappy relationship with my mother, but it was acceptable to me to describe her as LO. Maybe 'FM' (family member) would be better for you? Sorry for your hardships & admire the great work you do anyway.

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Yes I was just thinking FM too - you beat me to it!

(4)

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Words are so powerful, aren’t they? I have to admit that I’ve smirked a little when I read “loved one” because this caregiving process isn’t a love generator, is it? So much easier taking care of babies, who will coo and smile and brighten your day AND, more importantly, will progress, not regress. Frequently, I’ve been told that I am “So Blessed” to still have my 94 year old father. 🤦‍♀️ So many people don’t realize that their relationship with their father , doesn’t mirror mine - not everyone had Ward Cleaver as a father.
Your life sounds like an example of why I don’t like the phrase “ what goes around, comes around.” Sounds like you have done all the right things, even when dealing with your own personal tragedies, the loss of a child and desertion of a spouse. Your brother and sister have their own issues and you tried to help and support them to only get kicked in the teeth.
I hope it helps to know others recognize your pain and hope better days are ahead for you.

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Pagh8264, your observation "this caregiving process isn’t a love generator, is it?" hits the nail right on the head, at least for me. You can come into it with the best intentions, then get so exhausted, so overwhelmed with all the little problems and needs and demands, and the attitude of your "loved one" which can be can be so critical, demanding, ungrateful, unreasonable. No, it does not generate warm fuzzy feelings. It places enormous stress on relationships, and can ruin what had previously been an amicable, mutually supportive family relationship. It's a love destroyer, even if the love was there once. And in many cases, it wasn't there to start with.

(15)

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I've often wanted an alternative to LO, which is a powerful term and should be used when meant, IMO. We do need an alternative, I agree - a term that means "person I'm caregiving for/to." I haven't been able to think of one...

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I agree. I haven't thought of a new term yet either. I can understand the feeling/need for a new term. This may be very small thing, but when I need to buy a birthday card or a Mother's Day card for my own mother, it's difficult to find one that doesn't have sentiments that gush about what a wonderful, caring, mother she is and how she was always there for us, etc. It's not how I feel. It's not how she's treated me for decades (mental and emotional abuse).

(7)

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Where does the obligation come from, if not from love?

Love is not always a benign emotion, let alone a tender or joyous one, and I can't agree that terming relatives, dependents, family members or whatever "loved ones" implies that one must necessarily have happy or positive feelings towards them.

But if this happens to grate on you - and I will agree that it annoys the bejasus out of me when it's used as a lazy anodyne virtue-signalling patronising piece of hooey by one of the Great and Good, certainly - then tell whoever's using it to switch to whichever term you're more comfortable with.

If you don't mind my observation, though - are there not rather a lot of bigger and sharper burrs in your bustle? You are most welcome to discuss those, or vent about them, in any way that you please.

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Obligation comes from early training to be responsible, and is not necessarily connected to love. I've done things for total strangers, including risking my life trying (unsuccessfully) to get a woman out of a burning car, because it was the right thing to do.

I have no love for my brother (who is about as irresponsible as they come), and sometimes tolerate my psychotic sister, because she finally did agree to go through treatment (after she moved into her landlord's house while it was being remodeled and caused $20,000 in damage in a day while attempting to evade the imaginary people who were pursuing her). Hopefully, this time, she'll stay medication and treatment compliant, and hopefully some day will be less snotty.

My ex-wife deserves nothing but disdain, after abandoning our kids, and for the punishment she dished out on me after our daughter died - I wasn't responsible in any way, but that didn't stop her.

My parents were good to me and my mother, who is alive but whose memory is failing, were good to me, so I do love them, as I love my kids. It's not fair to dump my mother into a nursing home. She's amazingly physically fit, plays golf and tennis a few times a week, and one day when alone walked to the drug store (an 8-mile round trip), which terrified us. Unfortunately, she can't remember a conversation she had 15 minutes ago.

And yes, there is another problem. I have no life, and I barely have time to work. I'd like to retire some day, rather than work and manage my sister until I'm 80 or 85.

(3)

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We are caregivers. So, how about Care Receiver (CR) instead of LO for the people we're caring for. They are receiving care, right?

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The problem with playing around with abbreviations is that people are constantly coming on the forum complaining that they don't know what they mean. It's possible to google things like LO, DH, SO, MIL because they are commonly used across multiple forums and platforms.

(8)

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Perfect. I so understand

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Oh I'm right there with you! I no longer feel any love for my MIL, actually there are days, if I'm honest that I downright hate her and hate how she's treated my family over the last two decades. I never said anything over the years that she ignored my 3 kids to fawn over and raise her other two grands. But now that I'm the one pressed into service more than that side, I am pretty resentful.

But, I'm still there every Monday with a smile on my face (and a grumble under my breath) to take her to town and hear her fuss at me because I'm not doing something right. I've told DH that honestly, when she dies, the only reason I will be at her funeral is so that he doesn't have to field a bunch of questions from others about why I'm not there. I have no care for her and see her only as a negative and hateful obligation that I have to tend to. I'd rather scrape out the cat box!

"Where does the obligation come from if not love?" For me, just that need to "do the right/expected thing" the desire to "not disappoint", not love I can promise you.

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calicokat--You also should go to her funeral to satisfy yourself that she is "most sincerely" dead (as one of the Munchkins said on "The Wizard of Oz")!

(15)

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Sometimes we have to be "nice"--even if we don't want to be. I hate "labels", but this is one that is generalized, so just use it and march on.

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I can relate....I have considered moving away and changing my name...After reading your story, I strongly suggest you do the same! Some of the things you have mentioned cannot be helped...like the dementia, the cancer, etc... but the rest of it sounds like folks who don't want to help themselves. At what point are people considered to be responsible for themselves? Sometimes you have to let the chips fall where they may...

Take care.

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I truly understand and wish life wasn't so difficult for you. After the death of my father 15 years ago, I was given the legal responsibility to care for my mother, my elderly Aunt and my older brother, a former drug addict. Neither of these people are very nice or comfortable to be around. Thank goodness that my mother had enough money to put in a nursing home before her dementia worsened. I was appointed her legal guardian and trustee as my two older brothers are not capable and refused to care of her business, financial and caretaker affairs. She is not easy to visit, so I keep my contact visits to her to a minimum. I do this like you, out of a sense of obligation. As I grew older, my body broke down from all the stress and I now struggle with chronic issues that will eventually end my life sooner than later. I do hope that when you need help, there is someone out there that will step up to the plate and provide this care for you. I have an adult daughter. But, I can't expect much from her. So, I am pretty much on my own as my health worsens and older. Good Luck!

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It's an overused term . Honestly . Just because these people are in your family, does not mean that they are saints.... They are people, just like you and me, and everyone else on this site. Trust me, I love my mom, but I acknowledge that I don't like her, I miss how our life used to be, before she got sick, before she got hooked on pills, before her anger, sadness, her yelling, screaming at me constantly, it took me a long time to face the fact, that just because she's my mom, doesn't make it right.... That I was being abused, mentally and emotionally, her guilt tripping me, even now, when she's in the nursing home... I hate it... She's calmer, happier in there then I have seen her in YEARS.... since my childhood... I know she's technically my aunt... but to me, she's my mom, she took me in when she was 60.... she's now 80... I didn't realize the toll it would take on her as well. I love her, but I honestly don't think I can live with her anymore . Abuse is abuse period... I'm sorry, weather it's from addiction, dementia, or anything else... the caregiver shouldn't have to endure that pain . I honestly don't know why social workers are not called in sooner to interfere and help the caregiver and the family member, your telling me, that when a caregiver goes to a doctors office with the family member, that you can't sense that something is off.... My mom wouldn't let me talk at all, when we went to the doctors.... she would lie and say she's fine, or just not tell the doctor everything... Looking back... I can't believe how much it all effected me emotionally and mentally ... I know she's 80... but god... I feel like there should be more done with the elderly and the caregiver... if something seems "off" , pull the caregiver aside in a seperate room, hear there side of the story... To me, abuse is abuse period. I know my mom loves me , and I love her... but looking back , at other people in the family... I didn't relize how others basically acted the same way to there loved ones too... and there not all elderly... It's taking me a long time to take all this in... To look back on my life, from every angle . Yes I'm 27... But god...now I get, why I'm having trust issues with people, that are trying to help me... I hope that one day, they have more options out there for family caregivers.... no one, deserves to be abused by anyone, even if it's there own family .

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Gotta agree, just because you are related doesn’t require you to love anyone. I have 27 first cousins, some I love, some I like, some I tolerate, and a few I avoid. My father made himself and everyone around him miserable for 20 years and I am sorry that my love for him died. But I can either learn from his mistakes or move on and enjoy the rest of MY life loving those that deserve it and not bothering with those who don’t.

You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family!

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Actually, you can do both (i.e., learn from his mistakes, and move on to enjoy your life with those who deserve it).

(5)

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I noticed that when people talked about their parent. Not everyone has or had a loving parent. My mother has always treated me like someone she couldn’t stand. I don’t know why at the age of 70 & a 35 yr career as a critical care nurse, I could take care of this woman! She’s not going to change ever! Definitely qualified but her narcisstic behavior makes life miserable. It will only get better for us when she moves to a nursing home for which she is on 4 waiting lists!!!
I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through juggling life & being taken advantage of. Sometimes we just have to learn to say no for our own sanity. I’ll take care of my sweet husband when he needs it but that’s it! Our children have good support systems within their families but I’d be there to support if needed.
You cant do it all, take care of YOU! You didn’t say but is your mom in a facility or with you?

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Agreed! Doesn't the term "loved one" make you gag a little.

We should just refer to them as "the parent/aunt/uncle/brother/sister I'm taking care of" The reference doesn't become incorrect or inappropriate this way.

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I chuckle to myself every time I see the commercial on tv where the daughter n law is making coffee for her mother n law and how the daughter n law takes care of her and they are both smiling and don’t know what they would do without each other. The daughter n law is the caregiver. Every time I say to the tv why aren’t you two screaming at each other!! Why isn’t the mother n law hurling insults at the daughter-in-law!!! This commercial is fake!!! It’s not reality!!!

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I see the same commercial and wonder 'what world do they live in?' In TV Land! It is just so fake!!

(11)

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LO is an acronym we use here on
this forum. I am so sorry as I see in your case, it definitely does not apply! Good grief - you've been through he##. Prayers this very second sent to you.

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Why is the term loved one used so often? There are family members I'm caring for or have cared for that I can't stand.

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