Is anyone underappreciated by their siblings?

Unfortunately, it seems like being under appreciated is a part of being a caregiver. I have an older brother who barely spends anytime with my mother at all. He visits her for a half hour every month or so and only lives 10 minutes away. He's busy living his own carefree life. I live with my mother and have a full time job (40-60 hrs/week). We live in an older house and I pay for all the upkeep and repairs which have been costly (new heater, paint and roof this year). I do and pay for all the shopping (including new clothes for my mother), make my mother's meals, do her wash, clean the house, make my mother's doctors appointment and bring her to them. Yet my brother accuses me of "living off" my mother! Mind you he has lived with us in the past and never contributed a cent while here and even charged my mother for a couple minor repairs he did while living here!
I have come to the conclusion that those who are not directly involved in the caregiving do not have a clue as to the sacrifices we make. And some people are going to think the way they want to think no matter what. As long as you know you are doing the best you can as a caregiver, that's all that matters, not anything said by those that are ignorant or oblivious.

I have been caring for 2 parents for 4 and half years - my father's care was massively intensive. My sisters have fort me the whole time with the only intention to get me off a POA as my eldest sisters belief is purely that elderly people should be in residential homes. My life has been a total h*ll. On top of this in the UK if you say no to any medical treatment or fight for the right for best treatment you are blacklisted. My eldest sister used to work for Social Services many years ago. My sisters are bullies and have sytematically made up stories. The climax my father was held 9 days in a condemned hospital and made so ill and given MRSA and I had to get a Barrister to get him out. My mothers mind has gone re my fathers death and my sisters who do no care or give no help whatsoever apart from a couple of hours visit outside the house if they feel like it, they can speak to me and and condesend me, make up stories, etc etc if I say anything they call the 'friends in Social Services'. I can hardly keep going let alone keep up with paper work and accounts. Here a carer wants £100 per day and my father needed 2 carers and it would have gone to a higher bracket. £1600 to £1800 per week. I take £109 and yet the Public Guardian Office made me give 4 years of accounts re my sisters reported me. There is no looking it to them what they dont do.

There seems to be no legal help as no one seems to know the law, Any elderly person in the UK is labelled Dementia and everyone gets paid for the label. Then the Mental Health Act comes in that can overpower a POA and decide best care in a nice expensive residential home with all kickbacks. And my mother is a very difficult lady so she would shortly be drugged. I need a Personal Assistant and a good lawyer but how do I pay for that?

My fathers was ruptured 5 x with catheters when it should not have been put in. The Geriatrician said it was not worth treating him he would only be back again.
The Ambulance crew cut up his backside and feet so badly just transforming him.#
The hospital gave him forced bed rest and tried to force me to sign a contract that I would only allow pharmaceuticals not the herbs my father has been on for 18 years.

Other Doctors outside the National Health System have been supportive but their hands are tied too. We are under a dictatorship in medicine where elderly get so drugged at every symptom it is rediculous. No one looks at nutrition as they are not trained. We are 30th out of 31 European countries in medicine but my father was forcibly held. Why. Because I wanted to use my fathers money on taking him to France to get him proper help using the money he earnt all his life but my eldest sister didnt want that used. And who gets listened certainly not the carer.

All I want to do is get my mother to Europe where the system does not involve Social Services and Proactive Care teams deciding the fate of your parent whether you like it or not.

I am comfort eating and highly stressed from 2 girls that have done nothing to support their parents but my mother adores one of them and gets fed they cant come to the house because of me etc but in fact they just dont want to.

I tried with all my heart and soul to prevent my parents in homes. I gave them my word I would not let it happen but never in a million years did I think that my sisters would be more interested in inheritance and money and a slaughter of my very soul.

I dont know what is going to happen as I havent got everything recorded. I have bank statements and piles of receipts. Everything costs and trying to keep money as you know what happens if you need extra help or if you run out you have a pop in and then are pushed to the home is best.

I think the UK is one of the worst places in the world to care for elderly because as a whole no one is caring.
Our National Health Service is being run down on purpose and they have no money and the staff are highly stressed so who sufferers, who's not to worry about - the elderly!
More than anytime in my life I want a legal people that could take on the NHS as on your own you do not have a chance. I have a Bachelor of Science and yet I am treated as a fool. And they are allowed to pump antibiotics into frail old people even when they dont have an infections and there is nothing you can do about it.

To have a system like this and two unconscious sisters more interested in putting their little sister down at any cost is telling me what? I have to leave and watch my mothers fate as I had to watch my father be butchered.

Force another catheter in from untrained people but if you say no I am the problem. God help the elderly in the UK and please God if there is anyone out there with any power help me create a holistic shared home.

Sisters - you need a society that truly understands the effects of Narcissism and understand when you are at the receiving end you can end up being the stressed out one whilst the Narcissist stays cool and collected on their mission to negate your very existence.

Will my sisters get their way? I was told my problem is attachment. I just wanted a safe spiritual ending - why are some of us trying so hard to care and the cold hearted get listened to?

Be open about the information with your sib. Sometimes it is a lack of information that causes confusion and controversy. That could calm down the sib. Show him what you do with the money. It's very expensive to be cared for.Good luck. Your dad is lucky 🍀 to have you 😍

I have two brothers that do and have done zero in the way of Mom's care. Even when she first started showing signs of trouble, I asked one of my brothers to help me showing his concern for her driving and back me up. Did he? Nope. They were getting ready to get rid of her at work, so I talked her into retiring prior to this so her dignity would be spared and then my brother lashed out and said, " You made her quit her job!" She was 73 at the time! How long did he think she should go on being a nurse with a severely lymphatic leg and a failing mind? I then told him, did you know they were getting ready to force her to retire? Of course not, that would have required him being a part of her life enough to observe these problems!
She chose me to care for her and gave me full power over all of her care legally. I am not going to keep every reciept, document everything, I am too darn busy nor will I cater to those jacka$$es.
I do my best for her and keep her on a budget. If she had gone into a facility, she would have been flat broke by now and then what? Would either of them have stepped up and said "We will have her move in with us and pay for her expenses now that she is broke?" I don't think so. They would let her become the states problem. They have no clue what I do for her and how I have sacrificed my life, my career, my freedom and my sanity just to make sure she is safe, well taken care of and has money for however long she is here. They can both go straight to he (double hockey sticks!) I owe them no explanations. Go ahead and try to get a lawyer, they couldn't afford to try and fight me on this.

When my father in law was living with us, we invited all the siblings to spend Christmas at our house. We suspected it was going to be his last year and sadly that turned out to be true. We didn't expect the reaction we got from all of them: that they had no idea how much time and attention it takes to be a full time caregiver. They were all impressed with their brother (my husband) who had lost his job the previous year because of all the time he had to spend with his dad. We weren't looking for validation when we invited them, but it was nice to see how they recognized the changes this had made on our life and how they appreciated the work it took. People simply don't understand until they see it.

Yes, the siblings in a family that are not selfish and self serving normally would say; you are doing a great job we support you, and you can manage the money in the manner that best helps Dad. However when a family has a situation like this where one person is doing everything but the siblings on the outside looking in are selfish; then they just sit back and judge instead of doing the right thing and supporting that person and the family. I am the only one of seven children and I can totally relate. They make my life the worst possible by calling my Mom daily and putting negative thoughts in her mind for their own benefit. Then I have to live with that the rest of the time which has been seven years now. Its just very sad that siblings are like this but most are.

Sounds like yours. My sister lived here for 8 years and left five years ago when I came. She took over his house put her son in my dad's bedroom so he had no privacy and no room to go or he could close the door and be alone. She took over his garage and made him park outside. She paid only certain utilities and every time she or her son broke something it wasn't her fault and dad had to pay for it. My dad felt like an outsider. I do my best to pamper Dad but he still pretty independent at 94. Occasionally I need my sister's help if she's nearby and occasionally she helps like this week when Dad needs to go to an echocardiogram which he accidentally scheduled the same time I have a doctor's appointment I've had for 3 months that I must go to for a controlled substance refill as I'm on disability period I contribute nearly every dime I have so I can't save a dime towards my time after he's gone. My dad plans to leave whatever is left which is likely nothing to my sister and the other half to me but I have to maintain the house which is the one asset where the funds will come from. Did I mention she has a stash of money in her savings and will soon get a $2,000 a month pension plus Social Security? And she's on Medicaid which I can't qualify for because I barely make over the poverty mark. We eke by but Dad appreciates that I do more than my sister ever did and that I have transformed his home with my butterfly gardening and cooking and decorating on a dime. He's still my hero and drives me crazy and I drive him crazy. Every night he says goodnight Gracie and I say goodnight Gracie. I'm starting to work on a plan exit strategy for me like a Golden Girls household.

Obviously, this is a very common theme. I too cared for my mom without help. Sibs did the fun stuff mostly. When my mom fell and had sub-dural bleed (and surgery) 3 years ago, they swooped in and took over by putting her in Adult Family home and hiding her from me. I did not see my mom for 8 months. I left the country for 5 of those months on what I call my " healing journey." It ripped me apart, what they did. So glad I took the journey. It was difficult, but beautiful also.

When I returned, I reunited with my mom. She had dementia and of course was on a downhill slope after brain surgery. But I knew she still loved me. I think they tortured her by continuing to bad mouth me as they were afraid of losing their goods in the will. One month before she got sick with her UTI, she sent me a card, thanking me for all the things I did for her. I will never forget that she had the capacity for that.

They rushed in to take over because of their guilt and projected their misgivings on me as they needed to blame someone. There were the ring leaders and the ones who went along with them. I can only pity them because it was hard work and they were not up to it. I was there for my mom and though I gave up so much, I feel like the lucky one now. It takes a strong, empathetic, and good person, to do what we have done. Was I perfect? H*ll no! I was stressed to the max. But I did the best I could with what I had alone and I can hold my head up with no guilt. They get to live with their bad behavior and lack of consideration for my mom and me. They brainwashed my mom so badly, the will was changed when I was on my healing journey. I found out a month after she passed. It has been a tough road. They showed their true colors and whether they ever had guilt or not (doubtful), it is over and I no longer have anything to do with them. What they did to me, they also did to my mom. Someday they might learn as I told them in my goodbye email was, "You will either be cared for or be put into caregiver role, then you might figure it out."

Human beings are capable of good and evil. I am always amazed at the difference and what path one chooses. As friend said, "One is born with the empathy gene." Hold your head high. You know what you are doing is the best you can. Don't let anyone destroy that! Hang in there!

Not just unappreciated but actually lied about is more like it. It's usually the one that does absolutely nothing to help with care or financially, and is keeping an eye on their "inheritance". Sad but true. Hang in there Nantucket you have a lot of company on this issue.

Just keep in mind that you will have "no" regrets and did your best!! I agree with the others, keep a log of everything. Don't feel bad because my oldest brother thinks that the 50 dollars that medicaid leaves my mom to live on in the state of OH in AL is enough for every month which is a "huge" laugh!!! They have no idea what it takes. I hope I don't have any regrets, because I know that I did for my mom and will till the end. Good luck and blessing's

This was the case. I've recently all but ceased caring for my mother and now my brother, his wife and two children mostly care for her. The four of them do for her what I did for her daily for years and hopefully, now they see how difficult it has been.

I don't think it's so much being "under appreciated " as mistrusted. Since your brother is also your father's child and part of your immediate family, he should receive at least a quarterly if not monthly statement of what your father's expenses are. Include dates of expenses and even check numbers if you want to. Then, in addition, send him a copy of the bank statement and credit card statements if applicable. Also include copies of receipts of any monies that come out of your own pocket for Dad, even if it's a trip to Mickey D's for him. Circle items on receipts that are for him. Flood your brother with proof that you aren't doing anything "shady" with money. You may feel that if he doesn't contribute he doesn't need to know, but obviously he feels he does.

I've spoken on this topic and on this list before - yes it is a huge topic. I was reading about African value system yesterday, how people worked to benefit the community, not individuals - because a community that grows, brings up all members. But a single rich person does not bring up a whole community. I appreciated this under-recognized ethical system - for when I took responsibility for my youngest brother's entry into adult life, I knew I needed help, far from family, and without family of my own, I found professional programs very limited - and placed him in small rural towns where I found community places that would support him just by being there.

I relate to your share, Moxy - "unloved" - painful, and something that takes time to cope with. That was much of my experience in my fragmented home, and it took me a long time to sort out the interwoven issues around my relationships to my family - but once I saw disabled brother's vulnerability to predators of many kinds, if I did not stand close to him - I did stand there and contributed much of my working energy to learning how to help, coach, find support and then find ways to tie the supporters together, all to get him past the stage of youthful rebellion, and learn how to learn from others and be helped.

I kept in touch with my family in other aspects - biding my time after disagreements, and I hated their pronouncements of interpretation of my character which blamed my personality or lacking social skills for the amount of difficulty I found in working with people - they had no idea, from their total distance, of the impact of fragmentation in helping services, how that makes them very ineffective in any support outside their institutions (and also not much help at times, within them.) They need to be helped to notice changes and target care.

I came a long way with my siblings over the years - my one older sister and I started by making up after I initiated adult times of her visiting me. Later, brothers. I'm now 73, and older brother who manages the money, is 80. He has learned that I take no direction from him, for I was the one who stayed close enough to see and find what was needed for the youngest disabled one. He took over money management after death of oldest brother, so he arrived after all my work had happened.

I've learned to get help or advice from him, and we have a basic arrangement for money - so I tend to relax, until i hear him object to me mentioning my struggle to deal with the cumulative cost to my own economic and physical advancement in life (I'm buried in clutter, and work to reduce and eliminate it - but that job in itself keeps me from doing the writing or pursuit of other career, for my own retirement income - and time to build on my interests, not disabled brother's.

Problem is, brothers have learned a formula, too often repeated in our countries here, that praise individual responsibility, and interpret any other version of life needs and care, as secondary to employment and jobs and investment money planning, and they think they can apply their wisdom learned in their business relationships to others.

Fact is, there are times of life where everyone is vulnerable, areas where some need special education to remedy gaps, and someone stable, not flying all around the world - to watch over them, and see what's needed. That's where the alternative ethic comes in, I think - if everyone enjoyed community, and did our best to show up and contribute to ongoing activities, we can find help and resources all around us - not from the limited venues offered in our system so based on ideals for people only in the workplace and of working ages.

Thank you Cherylmorgan11. Your comment is much appreciated. Blessings to you.

It is so interesting to me that siblings that never have the time to call or visit have the time to criticize and gossip and advise on a subject they know nothing about. I think they have to blame you to justify not helping you. We know what you have given up and how unappreciated you are. Sending you love and prayers and hugs!!!

Both my parents became sick about the same time. My mother asked me to handle her bills after she had a triple bypass. I thought she would eventually get better, but unbeknownst to me, she had other medical problems that forced me to become her caregiver and having to get a POA for the both of them. During the first two years. I had no complaints from my brothers and sister. Only one of my brothers help me tremendously, especially with my father. He was a lot to handle. The other siblings didn't lift a finger -- not one. Just before my mother passed away, I was accused of theft mainly because a month after her illness, I bought a used car. To prove my innocence, I showed my sister my bank account to show that the money I paid for my car came from my 40lk. She and the brother still had doubts. After my mother passed away and I now have a lawsuit pending, those three decide to not comply with what I had to do to start the lawsuit. What the h*ll happened? I could not believe that they thought I was a thief and I did everything I could to help my parents stay alive. After my father passed away, it had gotten worse. There is a lot more to this story, but I guess you get the picture. It seems the ones that complain the most did nothing to help the situation. If it wasn't for the brother that helped me, I would not have been able to proceed with their care. It was a very exhaustive time for me. My parents, especially my mother, always told me they would not know what would have happened to them if it weren't for me. The bottom line is that I have no regrets and I can live the rest of my life knowing I was a huge help to my parents in the years before they passed away. Thank you for reading my post.

I hear you loud and clear! In the 2 years I've cared for my Mother in my home I can count on 1 hand the number of times my brothers have visited with her. I've reached a point where I don't care what they say or don't say, what they do or don't do. I'm the one who quit my job, lost decent insurance, the opportunity to save in my 401k and go on my pauper SS. I'm burned out. They have never called me and asked how I'm doing. They call Mom on her birthday, 1 called on Mother's Day and they sent me a text to tell her Merry Christmas! So yeah I understand! Wishing you hugs and blessings!

Dare him. Tell him you are going to leave and your sibling will have to figure out how to care for your Dad and pay the gap in his finances. Full time care runs $150 to $200 a day. I know, I paid it from Mom and Dad's savings for four years and then from my own home equity for another two years while I worked as an IT manager. Eventually I gave up my six-figure job to take care of Mom because beside paying the per diem, I had also to cover Sundays, holidays, and vacations when I was working well over 80 hours a week in my high-demand job, meaning I got nearly no sleep ever and no time off ever. So, send my little note on to your sibling. This is the real deal.

This is a very common theme; one person is a caregiver and siblings vanish. Ignore, and move forward with caring and the daily tasks.
You have done well.

GingerLocke: "My sibling in Florida lives in her huge house, large bank account with her family and friends around her and doesn't help mom in any way financially but is on her bank account. Never comes to see her and only sends thrift store items on holidays. I only use moms money for utilities and her food. I use mine to pay her doctor bills, medication and part of food."

Your sister is on your mother's bank account? Why aren't you the one on the bank account? (And why isn't your mother paying for her own doctor bills and medication? And for her food?)

I hope that you and your sister don't inherit equally from your mother.

There will always be those who make a difference. You are one of them. Sadly, there are some that see the things you have accomplished but they refuse to acknowledge your sacrifices. The cool thing is, you really don't need it. By now it has been well established that you will survive and manage to get thru it without recovering a single contribution that made a difference. In the end there are always those who are missed the most for the things they did. I found that out when I had to let go to save myself.

Neither of my sibs questions me as POA, thank God, and both have managed to avoid all the stress involved in her care these many years. I've always up-front shown them both everything paperwise from every encounter with the eldercare lawyer and always invited them to come with me every time I've had to see the lawyer. No secrets. I think both my sibs know if they ever questioned me in a nasty way concerning where mom's money is or goes, I'd have no problem tearing them a new one. My brother is the type who's learned to let his wife make most decisions anyway to keep the peace and has made it clear to me whatever I decide concerning mom is fine by him. He has plenty of headaches on his job and with his wife's many female relatives who constantly need something fixed. He's never come to see mom since she's been in the NH; his wife does visit with mom every other week, and she and I communicate a lot via email. My sister sees mom a few times a week. The two adult grandkids in town have never come. Two of mom's living sister-in-laws, both in fine health, have never come to see mom in the NH. (When mom lived with me for three years and prior to that, I was the one who transported mom to their respective houses to visit; nobody ever stopped by my house to see mom, and we all live close). Mom doesn't retain much now and just smiles at anybody who addresses her by name; her vision is lousy, and she doesn't make eye contact.   I talk with her and feed her at dinnertime most days. I'm just relieved she's now in the NH. Caring for her at home was killing me, and they do a great job where she is.

the word underappreciated is mild, unloved is more like it. I'm an only girl with four brothers who have never treated me kind. I didn't get the pleasure of taking care of my mom as she died young in an auto accident. When dad passed he lived in FL and I lived in IN. All of the brothers lived in different states. He was dead for two days before any of them called to tell me my dad had passed. Why? Because they were all racing to get to FL to see if they could find any money and to take his stuff. The weight on my heart knowing I had never been valued by any of them was heavy. When I made the decision to disown them the weight lifted. I don't miss them because there was nothing there to miss.

I have a similar problem. I have given up my home and relationships to move in with my mother. My sibling in Florida lives in her huge house, large bank account with her family and friends around her and doesn't help mom in any way financially but is on her bank account. Never comes to see her and only sends thrift store items on holidays. I only use moms money for utilities and her food. I use mine to pay her doctor bills, medication and part of food. I buy her little gifts from time to time and take care of health issues and I'm retired with small income. I learned from the beginning to except I'll get no help from family and focus on my beautiful mom. What matters to me is to please mom and do what's best for our home. Nobody lives our life together therefor I have learned to ignor negativity toward me by keeping focus and sadly not communicating with sister unless mom gets sick. I have released bitterness by doing this. I pray you will find the tools that will help you do the same. It's worked for me. Also keep good records. You are being thought of ❤️

I get support from my sister. She comes up "about" once a month. She is single and still working. My husband and I are retired. My brother offers little, if any, support. I do text him once in a while to let him know what's going on. We decided to have our house remodeled to make it easier for Mom to live with us. We had the contractor give us 2 receipts - one for the work that was related to Mom, and one for the work that was not. 99% of the work was for her. As to the daily living stuff. I know I should keep a log, but not only do I have a POA and medical POA, I am also the executor of Mom's estate. My sister does not question anything. It will be interesting to see what happens with my brother when mom passes away. As far as I'm concerned, if I have to beg you to come to your mother's 90th birthday party, then you really don't seem to care much,

I think everyone who is caring for elderly parents with no help from siblings has this problem. I only do PT care for Mother and get routinely criticized for what I do/don't do. It goes with the territory, sadly.

My mother has recently passed away. But I do relate very much to your description. I have some suggestions.

Keep a running ledger of all purchases, receipts and daily chores/tasks/activities. I realize how overwhelmed you may already be, but it really doesn't take much effort to save receipts and make ledger entries over a cup of coffee. Also, if the cost of food and expenses to cover YOUR bills (since you're "working" as your father's caregiver now) are now a part of your father's expenses, so be it. I was my mother's full-time caregiver, with the exception of whenever I hired someone to give me a little break once in a while, and the only way I was able to do it was to have my mother pay for my car insurance, cellphone, gas, food, etc. This was simply because I was no longer able to work for myself. I gave up my career. I was "working" for her, and in a sense, working for my brother, whether he realized it or not, because I saved my family THOUSANDS of dollars by doing this.

I'm lucky in that I do have a reasonable brother, but he lives in another state and would have NEVER made the sacrifices I made for our mother. There have been times when he just didn't get it, and I needed to set him straight. Truth be told, if it weren't for me, our mother would have been forced to liquidate her estate and move into a nursing home. Or, perhaps, my mother would have had to hire an aide for $60,000/yr. I was NOT going to let my mother go into a nursing home, because she was mentally sharp and specifically wanted to spend her final years/days in her own home. In other words, as the full-time caregiver, I saved my mother (and brother) that financial burden. Point this out to your sibling. Demand respect and compassion, and certainly, if your father is mentally competent to be able to clarify this with your sibling, then he must. If he is able, then he owes it to you... AND to your sibling.

I made the decision to care for my mother out of my heart. It was a no-brainer for me to pack up my life and move in with her. People can think whatever they want (and they do), but the truth is in my heart, as I'm sure, it's in yours. Follow your heart, but cover your back with keeping good records.

As someone else said, this should end up being a long thread as unhelpful siblings are par for the course.

I also kept a ledger with monies coming in and out and kept every receipt for every purchase. I only made purchases for little gifts and so on that Mom may need. No one in my family asked to see this which only proves further the lack of interest. The "oh, sis is taking care of it attitude prevailed"

I'm under appreciated by everyone, just like most care givers are, 24/7 job nobody else wants, but boy could they do it better (they just never have and won't ever) I feel for you, pretty much everyone has a clueless beast to deal with, hang in there, you're a good person

Some people just don't think about helping the parent, no matter their condition. I'm not sure where they got their brain, but, it's like they just think in a whole different way. That's why I know that me worrying, hinting, waiting, etc. is pointless. I either say what is needed point blank, but nicely, or I make other arrangements. It's a good thing too. I have received ZERO help with my cousin. Not even ONE meal for her, not one visit or call. So, that's fine.

Still, you never know who may pop up one day. I have receipts for every penny spent, as well photographs of the items.