Is anyone underappreciated by their siblings?

Tired1of4,
Don't take this the wrong way, but... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! Thank God you just SAID IT the way it really is in the "reality of the 24/7 caregiver" that is sacrificing ALL at the parent/s request! If I could reach through this screen and hug you, I would! It is criminal to do this to the only child that stepped up to do what was right! I know a lot about the facilities as my Mom worked in them as an RN her whole working career. I know how expensive they are, I know that those people are ignored most of the time unless they hire "outside caregivers" for more (one on one) attention. I know that because I gave up my career as a designer to learn caregiving so I was prepared on a professional level to care for Mom as she became worse. The company bills us out @ 30 an hour!!!! We get a measley 12 an hour for doing all the work. I think I made that much when I was a teenager working at a deli in a grocery store! I am almost 50 now making the same wage caring for human beings! Something is wrong with that picture. Anyway, I did this so she did not have to go broke in a facility nor go broke hiring in home help. Now, not only has she become worse as of late, I am the one who's broke now. What do I get in return? Grief, stress, anxiety, strain on my marriage, no healthcare for years now, no vacations ever, trapped, watching my life pass me by and my sick, greedy, jealous brother spreading vicious lies about me after already ruining my life on a very deep level. He is mentally screwed up and I never know what is coming my way from him next. It's making me a nervous d*mn wreck! Then I should be keeping books for him????? Really???? Not in a million years will I give him an ounce of power back over me, never again.
Again, your words were just what I needed to hear, a straightforward, unvarnished acknowledgement of reality in the life of the 24/7 caregiver. God Bless You! *HUGS* Oh, I was also trained by a professional how to care for and compression wrap her lymphatic leg from a prior cervical cancer surgery. That needs constant care and wrapping everyday, careful clipping of her toenails, & meticulous skin care. I wonder how much more that would add to the everday cost having a specialist come over to do just that? I only have her cover my share of the mortgage which comes to 30 dollars A DAY, not an hour, for me doing EVERYTHING for her. My husband makes up for the rest. But me personally, I am broke.

..... sitting back reading all these. Would like to hear from those of you stating any family member care giver needs to be worried about misappropriation of funds .. you have got to be kidding me, when the care giver is first of all, offering live-in full time care. second of all, is an adult child (direct decendent of the elder) ..and third, simply explain what you find a full time family caregiver could ever do with a persons income that would even make you warn for the need of keeping ledgers. Are they out gambling or caregiving.. of yeah that's right they don't even have the time nor mental stamina left to do anything so gambling is probably out of the question.. oh that's right, all they do is shop and eat bon bons. 

You want books and ledgers then it's a business.. and If it's a business in need of ledgers, most get paid in a business environment, well news flash 99.99999% of familia caregivers don't get a g-d*mn dime for triple full time jobs, not just one job, many!! With no time card to punch, no vacation and no grievance box at the office door of a manager  ... so all the book keeping on top of the caregiving is added and unessasary torture, and actually the care giver should if anything start logging their time and their labor to do nothing else but to use to charge the dead beats and their state (I'll talk about that later.) 

Need I remind you these you are warning to keep track odff all expenditures are 99.9% not working outside the caregiving role. So please explain what you may find would warrant such warnings .. what's the planet you live on where the cost of living is free cuz I wanna book a flight. 

Let's look at funds and expenses shall we;
If the caregiver needs food, food goes to the elder because the caregiver is both shopping and preparing meals .. and might get to sit down to a plate of what's left of the food after the prepping preparing serving and then cleaning kitchen and dishes.
If the caregiver needs utilities paid, it's because the elder is in the home and needs utilities to survive, just so happens the caregiver is under that same roof and Also has needs utilities provide.
If the caregiver needs a cell phone paid, it's so the caregiver can call and arrange all appointments and deal with insurances, doctors, pain in-the
-ass family members, etc .. all of these things are done by caregivers who are caring for family elders.
If the caregiver needs a new bed because the mattress sags or a spring is jabbing them in the back (if they even have a bed, usually care givers fall asleep in chairs and on sofas) then lack of sleep begins to weigh heavy and the elders care can be at risk. Again, it's ultimately for the elder... if the care giver needs a new bra or god forbid stops to get a quick hamburger, or god forbid picks up a box of cookies for some small stupid pleasure snack only to be had at 2am after the elder is asleep...I could go on and on. 

Last I checked a human cannot be two places at once, so if someone is caring full time for another human that is Not their child!!...then there had better be "money" fed into that situation by someone  or someone's, and it had better not be from the caregiver... my god it had better not be coming from the caregiver...  because I know of no other "business or job where the employee does all the work for 24 hours a day 365 days per year but is never paid.. oh wait, I digress, I have read somthing of that, seems it's called slavery, if you're bored you can find a little abou it in history books.

.. you know, you caregivers could press charges against the dead beat siblings for both willful neglect of a family member, and neglect of duress and harassment, if they are causing fear, stress and emotional duress, you bet your sweet poppies you can press charges and maybe more should do exactly that to possibly change this nightmare and stop the family caregiving role from being afraid and timid to an entitity to be reconnected with. You need to begin flipping the situation to; if you mess with me and try to blame me for anything I will bite your head off. (Colorful but you get my point.) 

And my final spout about the g-d&mn money and caregiving... I'll remind all of you even yet again ..that if the elder was in an elder facility you can bet your bloomers that elders money, every last dime would be misappropriatied via over charging for rent of a small room, 3 meals a day meds dispersed, a bath once a week and a call button only being answered by 10 dollar an hour untrained teenagers and freaks, all at the tune of approx 5k to 11k per month (average) .. yeah you read me right I didn't type stutter those dollar amounts ... but who's hauling their asses in for theft or claiming elder abuse for misappropriation of funds? Your family members? The state? H*ll no.. so all you care givers getting grief and harassment about using the elders money to freaking survive to eat to be clothed and to have heat and air,  had better grow a pair and tell everyone to either back the h*ll off or take your place, or you will press charges against them, it's that simple. Start turning the table.

And! If everyone would put as much time in raising hell to legislature and all the pencil pushers about the forgotten, over worked and unpaid caregivers, opposed to the over charging and damaging elder facility industry, maybe things would be different.

..... sitting back reading all these. Would like to hear from those of you stating anyone needs to be worried about misappropriation of funds when the care giver is first of all, offering live-in full time care. second of all, is an adult child (direct decendent of the elder) ..and third, simply explain what you find a full time family caregiver could ever do with a persons income that would even make you warn for the need of keeping ledgers. Are they out gambling or caregiving.. of yeah that's right they don't even have the time nor mental stamina left to do anything so gamelings probably put of the question.. oh that's right all they do is shop and eat bon bones. You want books and ledgers then it's a business.. and If it's a business in need of ledgers, most get paid in a business environment, well news flash caregivers don't get a g-d*mn dime for a triple full tome job, so all the book keeping on top of the caregiving is added and unessasary torture.

Need I remind you these you are warning are 99.9% not working outside the caregiving role. So please explain what you may find would warrant such warnings.

Let's look at funds and expenses shall we;
If the caregiver needs food, food goes to the elder because the caregiver is both shopping and preparing meals.
If the caregiver needs utilities paid, it's because the elder is in the home and needs utilities to survive, just so happens the caregiver is under that same roof.
If the caregiver needs a cell phone paid, it's so the caregiver can call and arrange all appointments and deal with insurances, doctors, pain in-the
-ass family members, etc .. all of things are done by caregivers who are caring for elders.
If the caregiver needs a new bed, if the mattress sags then lack of sleep begins to weigh heavy and the elders care can be at risk. Again, it's ultimately for the elder...if the care giver needs a new bra or god forbid stops to get a quick hamburger, or god forbid picks up a box of cookies for some small pleasure snack only to be had at 2am after the elder is asleep... I mean I can go on and on, but last I checked a human cannot be two places at once so if someone is caring full time for another then there had better be money fed into that situation by someone and it had better not be from the caregiver because I know no other "business where the employee does all the work but never is paid.. oh wait I read somthing of that, seems it's called slavery in history books.

.. you know, you caregivers could press charges against the dead beat siblings for both willful neglect of a family member, and neglect of duress and harassment, if they are causing fear stress and emotional duress you bet you can press charges and maybe more should do that to possibly change this nightmare.

And my final spout about the g-d*mn money and caregiving... I'll remind all of you even yet again ..that if the elder was in an elder facility you can bet your bloomers that elders money, every last dime would be misappropriatied via over charging for rent of a small room, 3 meals a day meds dispersed, a bath once a week and a call button only being answered by 10 dollar an hour untrained teenagers and freaks, all at the tune of approx 5k to 11k.. yeah you read me right I didn't type stutter those dollar amounts ... but who's hauling their asses in for theft? Your family members? The state? Hell no.. so all you care givers getting grief and harassment about using the elders money to freaking survive had better grow a pair and tell everyone to either back the hell off or take your place, or you will press charges against them, it's that simple. Start turning the table.

And! If everyone would put as much time in raising hell to legislature and all the pencil pushers about the forgotten, over worked and unpaid caregivers, opposed to the over charging and damaging elder facility industry, maybe things would be different.

Duchessmary,
So sorry you are among so many of us dealing with the greedy, do nothing, back stabbing siblings. If only I could just ignore my mentally ill brother, I would. I have tried , Lord knows! But everytime things start to feel like they are settling down a bit, and I actually am able to start focusing on other things instead, he rears his ugly head again like some awful monster coming out of the bushes to scare and upset me all over again. Then all my fear, anger and frustration are right back at the surface again and I have to once again, process, try to calm down and refocus elsewhere and WAIT until the next lul is over before he manages to do something else to punish me for cutting him off from his Mother's teet! If only ignoring him would work. I think eventually, after Mom passes, I will move out of the state so I can be absolutely sure I will never see or hear from him ever again. This is my greatest wish. He truly is a monster that haunts me in a never ending nightmare.

It's astonishing, after all the time, love and trust that you've put into a relationship (like MIL and I) to have them suddenly turn on you out of nowhere is shocking and heartbreaking. It's been a constant process for me to "detach", so to speak. I have kicked toxic relatives off of social media and refuse to interact with ANY of them, and that's given me a great deal of peace in itself. Still, I have moments that it still feels like a huge knife in my back that I can't dislodge. It's a grieving process, in a strange way.

Golden,
If they wanted to pull banking records, they could. I have nothing to hide. Anything I have done as far as "major work on her cottage or costly purchases for her" I have a file with most all receipts. I kept them all for her and my records, not for them!
There is no smoking gun anywhere to be found so if he wants to waste his time and money trying to find something, I am not going to make it easy on him. He continues to make my life an ongoing nightmare, let him spend the money on a lawyer (if he can afford it and if he can actually get one to agree to work with him) all to get nowhere. Lawyers tend not to do any pro bono work if they think or even smell the person is not together mentally. It's like betting on a lame horse. All he is doing is trying to figure out anyway to sabotage me out of greed and jealousy because Mom chose me over him.
Always had dollar signs in his eyes since he was a child and knew just how to manipulate everyone into paying off all his bad debts for his greedy, poor decision making. He has never had to feel the sting of taking full responsibility for any wrong decision he has made in his life, even what he did to me. He went through his life never truly owning up and accepting full responsibility for what he did or pay the price in anyway. Nothing has changed.

I have sympathy for not wanting to have to keep detailed records just to keep a dysfunctional, critical, sibling off your back. My sib has been apparently (according to other family members) been planning for years and years to get all the inheritance,. So she sucks up to mother and agrees to all, and the two of them bad mouth me behind my back. Nonetheless mother chose me to be her POA financial and health. She told me that my sister has $ signs in her eyes. So it seems. I have had no help from sis - only interference, criticism, and back stabbing. I am doing the best I can with keeping records, but they are by no means perfect. If she wants to go through the when this is all over I will hand her the folders. Fortunately mother's financial advisor is aware and is supportive of me. Sis would have to prove misuse of funds to cause any real trouble and there is no evidence of that. I will be so glad when this is over. I have enough trouble keeping track of my own filing, nevermind all of mother's.Meanwhile I stay pretty well no contact with sis to protect myself. isn't worth the aggravation.

Clearly in hindsight, I should not have shared this on this site, my mistake. Too personal and there is no way anyone can really know all the complications and realities without being somebody who is closely involved. I suppose I was just feeling the need to vent my frustrations, psychiatrists and therapists cost too much and are not terribly helpful.

DofNarcissists,
If I told you the years I spent talking to "mental health professionals" because of what my brother did to me, it is quite staggering. They never did anything that helped the problem, just another waste of a lot of money. I have brought all of this to the attention of my mother's "elderlaw attorney" he is aware. At no point did he say, "keep your books and records" and I am already over 4 years into doing this. I have been told how her Trust/Will has been written, I do no owe him any explanation of how I decide to spend my Mother's money on her care. I was given full power. My brother's mental state could definately be called into question and he lives on permanent disability. He would not be able to afford hiring a lawyer, especially upon meeting him (the lawyer would be able to tell something with him was off) it's not hard to figure out. He cooked his brain on prescription meds when he had shoulder surgery so he talks like a robot with no personality. My husband who is excellent at reading any legal documents (he could have been a lawyer himself) also told me as the Will/Trust has been written, I owe them no documentation. If someone told me this was going to be part of caregiving for Mom where I had to document every darn thing because of my jerk brothers, I would have walked immediately! There is no way I would have voluntarily signed up for the stresses of dealing with caring for Mom with dementia AND be beholden to everything I do and have to keep records for the sake of my brothers. No way. If that is now what is expected of me, I will sell the house, put Mom in a home, sign over all power to my only sane brother who does nothing and move out of the state. I have had it. This life is just not worth it, there is no dollar amount in the world that is worth going through this.

Rainy69, you are a clearly a troubled soul. From what you've written, it's clear that you are very angry and you would clearly benefit from talking to a mental health professional. It is also very clear that you don't see the need to protect yourself, through good record keeping. By not protecting yourself through good record keeping, you are asking for trouble.

When you are dealing with problem people, especially problem siblings, it's *extremely* important to keep very good records. When siblings claim that you are not handling a parent's money prudently, you *really* do have to account for every penny spent. You have to keep records as if your parent is a small business. That way, should a problem sibling want to cause trouble, hire a lawyer or call Adult Protection Services on you, it will be hugely easier (and *much* less expensive) to defend yourself. Why the second ledger? First, as a caregiver, I want to know how much time and money I'm spending. Secondly, if I have to hire a Care Coordinator on behalf of my parent, because one or more sibling is questioning the care the parent is receiving, it makes the care coordinator's job *much* easier, for she will have your daily notes to go on. She will be able to figure how much of your time is spent doing work that would have been done by a CNA, a housekeeper and a companion. She will be able to tell the crappy siblings how much it would cost for the parent to replace you. Keeping good, professional notes shows that you are taking the job of caregiving in a difficult family situation seriously. This goes to your credibility--she is much more likely to believe you and support you, and this is important when she writes a report and gives recommendations. Thirdly, if the bad sibling decides to call Adult Protective Services or hire a lawyer in order to get you into trouble, it is MUCH easier to defend / protect yourself. Fourth, if the parent is decent and wants to pay you--whether it is up-front or through giving you a larger share of the estate--you will want to keep records.

In this day and age, where a-hole behavior is socially acceptable, you really do have to pay attention to this.

Found out somewhat recently my psycho brother has been calling my Mom's sister, (all the way across the states practically) that he has had virtually no connection with in decades, and has been trying to "buddy up" with her. My Mom's other sister informed me of this and he has been bad mouthing me and accusing me of forbidding him from seeing Mom. This all started because last year, I kicked him off the property for his constant extortion of money from Mom everytime he showed up. I warned him to knock it off, she could not afford it, I have her on a budget and the money is just not sitting in her bank account. He would not listen & instead, he upped his mooching. Finally, I had it, told him he was no longer welcome on the property. I never said, you can't see Mom, I simply said I did not want to see him "on the property line."
She could have met him anytime right outside the gate and gone and done whatever, (minus her checkbook and ATM) since I have legal control of her finances and healthcare. She chose not to. That is when he threw a tantrum. Wrote me hate texts to me, wrote Mom insane cards blaming me, etc. when it was he who put himself in this position by abusing and taking advantage of her failing mind. He even had the nerve to accuse ME of Elder Abuse because he had it in his mind I forbid him to see her when I NEVER said that. I think he was just infuriated I finally put my foot down and exercised my power over him, he could not challenge me & that is what sent him into an uproar. He abused me as a child in everyway you can imagine, even the worst way for many years. He destroyed my childhood and my self esteem from his constant abuse. I was terrified of him all throughout my life, he always had control over me.
Now, he is powerless and can't stand it. The best part of the hate texts and insanity cards he sent was not only are they so telling that he is not playing with a full deck, he ADMITTED in writing what he did to me. So, my Aunt tells me he is now flying out to see them soon, (uninvited I might add) hmmm, everyone is highly suspicious of why. Someone who was whining to Mom he needed money for toilet paper, pills, etc. but he can afford to fly across the US to see Mom's sisters and family? Interesting! So........I copied and sent her all those texts and cards proving not only what he did to me, but that he is lying about the accusations he is trying to convince them of about me. They will also prove he is sick in the head. Wish I could be a fly on the wall when he arrives and both Mom's sisters and all my cousins have read what I sent. Just to see their faces when he tries to pile on more lies to try and gain sympathy, "Poor me, she is such a meanie forbidding me to see Mom and taking all her money!" They will then all know the truth. Foolish boy putting things in writing, I say, "Thank you very much you a___hole!" There is no denying that. I can't believe he is still making my life a living nightmare at almost 50, hasn't he done enough damage to me already? When will it end? It is hard enough being the caregiver to Mom but add this to the mix and I am a nervous wreck wondering what that psycho will try to pull next. Obviously he has no limit to what he will stoop to. God help me please.

ABSOLUTELY!!! I paid all of my mom's bills for 8 months while I lived with her to assist her, because she lost her sight, which was supposed to be temporary, that was 11 years ago, my mom's still blind. Nonetheless, I didn't even have control of or even access to my mother's finances. I was accused of leaching off her. I now realize some people are sooooooooooooooooo un-fricking-happy with their own lives, they JUST want to make others unhappy and that's one sure way to do it. It was suggested to me by a Judge and an investigator for Elderly Protection, to send all siblings a financial reports of the elderly parent at least twice a year, so there is no question as to where the money is going.
I do suggest you do it! The following link is a great guide to what the financial should include.
https://cdn.smartresumewizard.com/downloads/personal-financial-statement/personal-financial-statement.pdf

Use only what applies to your father, and DO include how much you contribute to expenses.
I hope this information is helpful to you.
Good Luck!!

Well said Radiator,
Unfortunately, I know I will only be rid of them permanently when Mom passes on. They may try to whine and say nasty things bit I will NOT engage when I am grieving for Mom, I will let the lawyer handle them. If that doesn't do it and they try to persue me, then they can deal with my husband and I do not envy anyone that goes up against him. Sorry for the loss of your Mom, you are a blessing to her!

Wow, these are some really powerful stories. To know you are not appreciated and being questioned, while trying to care for someone, is a huge slam. Yet, we endure or endured in my case. I commend all of you! I know. The option is losing your loved one. I lost mine, I miss her daily, but I do not miss my toxic siblings. That is embarrassing and sad both. But I feel calmer. Of course, grief takes over. That is where I still am. Remember you are all do the best you can. You are there, that is what counts!

I would never spend anymore of my precious time keeping two seperate ledgers for my jerk brothers. That takes enormous amounts of time,writing everything down, keeping every receipt, recording every single transaction, mileage, etc. for what? A couple of crybaby siblings that do nothing? Like our responsibilities aren't hard enough without having to fill out a report book everyday for god knows how many years! Just one more service to add to my huge, never ending list of things I am not getting paid to do. I have DPOA, POA, and full legal power over everything granted and signed by my Mom so I say, F________ em! I will not cowtow to them because their guilty consciouses have to target the only one who is doing a GD thing (and was) even before she started declining. She chose me to care for her and believe me, I am paying the price on so many levels! They have made my life a nightmare enough, the Trust/Will also states "Not to be contested or they get NOTHING." Have fun fighting me boys, then they forfeit anything that is left thanks to me for doing my best to protect what $$ she has "for her" not me. She would have been nearly broke had she gone into a retirement complex or ALF/SNF. Sorry for sounding cranky, I have just had it with sick, worthless, greedy siblings only caring about themselves and what they think their "cut" should be, damned the one who sacrificed everything for the parent.

Wow, amazing, and I'm incredulous at how many people deal with *&^%,
MIL has a brother who is basically a millionaire, he started Allied Waste as we know it today. However, he has his nose so far in the air and his head up his asp, saying that since his sister "never" took care of herself, it's her problem, and he's not forking over a dime. Never mind that his own wife was deathly ill from cancer for a number of years (she was the same way; too good for the rest of us), he had a wench on the side and was just biding his time until his wife keeled over. Then he married said wench 3 months later and threw a lavish wedding. Really? While we're on the subject of judging, you miserable *&@(*$, go to hell. I was astounded when he invited most of his peasant family to attend. They did, but I didn't, I couldn't believe his nerve. *throws up*. He never bothers to check on his sister (my MIL) or call, write or send smoke signals.

SuePeace, don't ever feel like you are freeloading off your mother. The sacrifices that caregivers make for their loved ones more than compensates for their "rent." If you were to calculate how much it would cost to hire a caregiver to do what you have done, your siblings would most likely be in great debt. More importantly, the LOVING CARE that you provide for your mother is something for which there is no price tag. When I read that you went to see your pastor, that struck me. I can relate to the emotional toll that we accrue. We have taken on a great responsibility that I believe only a caregiver can relate to - and then to have our siblings throw crap in our faces as if we were androids with no emotions. What I experienced over the past couple of days is making me sick. My mother had the trust written so that my sister and I have to make any financial transaction together such as writing checks to pay for my mother's bills. My mother wrote her trust this way with the best of intentions. But I am seriously considering forfeiting my obligation. I am having a difficult time dealing with my mother's declining health, let alone having to put up with my sister's utter selfishness and verbal abuse. I have come to learn that trying to make things "better" between us is futile. It is so hard to let go. I wish you luck.

@loveumom1 - My sister and I have joint Power of Attorney over mom's financial accounts. I'm the one who got all that started through a Living Trust and had my sister sign the docs at the bank. Well, she turned it around and used it against me. She went to the bank and asked for years of records. That's how she was able to get them. And like I said, NOTHING ILLEGAL OR MISUSE WAS FOUND. And just so people on this site know, I didn't just quit and walk away. We had a family meeting and I'm not sure what was said before the meeting but all my sisters told me it would be best if I moved out. (1) I was stressed out; (2) depressed; (3) my health was going downhill, the list goes on.
So, they basically asked me to move. Of course I think they thought I was also freeloading off of mom, which I wasn't, for I never received one dime from her after 5-1/2 years of being a Caregiver. It was FEELING UNAPPRECIATED, just what this post is all about, that gave me the strength to move out. I had mixed emotions, and even spoke to my Pastor about this entire ordeal. But, it was the rude comments and feeling unappreciated that prompted my move. Not to mention, we are to rotate caring for mom, but somehow I'm going to be there 4 days this week and, of course, during the 4th of July. A Holiday -- like I've been -- for the past 5-1/2 years. But she is my mother and I will do the best I can.

Dear Rainey,

Thanks for sharing. I will never understand the whys of what transpired with my siblings, but as someone said, you will never change them. That is the hardest part for me.I had hope they might look at things differently. In their minds, they were doing enough. There is no guilt with them. I was told by a woman I met who worked in Gerontology several years before,that I would be blamed by my siblings. That made no sense to me. Why? Thesibs had their freedom to do what they pleased in life. Have a job, take vacations, have lunch or something fun with my mom. They were not cut out (or wanted) to do the "hard stuff."

I too was abused by one of my 4 older brothers as a small child. The others knew and saw and just laughed about it. It did not dawn on me until my mother's fall, and him taking over my mom's situation, the reality of how I never liked him. My mom even made comments about his behavior and lack of empathy. He is very controlling and a narcissist.

The others, six, yes six of them, all went along with him. He ran the show and they benefited. Truthfully, I think they did not want to stand up to him, like I did. They took the path of least resistance, which I get, but it shows what losers they are. They benefited financially by taking my portion of the inheritance. No guilt from any of them. Pretty sad people. And not one of them stepped up to the plate to help my mom, except move her (and me) from her home and put her in a facility for someone else to care for her. And they did a lousy job because that is where she got sick and ended up passing, from their lack of care and the siblings.

It took about a year after my mom fell ( when they hid her from me), was when that comment came back to me, about me them blaming me. I realized it was them projecting their own guilt. Apparently I didn't do things right in their eyes and I was only taking advantage of my mom for "free rent" and that my mom gave me money for groceries. My mom offered, I never asked. Besides, I was doing the shopping, the cooking, etc. But in their eyes, I had it pretty good. I never got one penny for what I did.

It is apparent they will never wake up. As an educated, well traveled woman, I can only feel sorry for their small minds that operate on greed and control. I praise all of you that have taken on such a feat. I hope that you never have any reason to regret what you have endured. Especially after the fact. It is not easy. Bless you all!

At least I can say I packed up my bag for a long journey out of state to take care of my late mother! My brother cannot say that!

I'm a 24/7 caregiver to my mom. There are many battles in caring for someone. Just when I think I have something handled; new problems crop up. I don't give a crap about being scrutinized; the bank records are there if siblings have issues. I'm helping mom live the best she can with this awful disease.
Here's a helpful tip; find your local Council on Aging. Call, meet with them and find out EVERY amenity they offer!!! COA's are nationwide. The one near me offers daycare dementia weekdays. It's an affordable donation of $25.00 a DAY. A bus picks up, drops mom off. It took her a while to warm up to this but it's part of my sanity plan since I'm in this by myself. She now loves it!! We call it her CLUB.
I moved here to care for mom knowing no one. So isolated! I started practicing my flute (not since high school have I played). Joined a community band. Each week mom sits next to me, coloring, as we practice for 2 hours. She gets music therapy and I found a great community. Be open to to creative solutions. Bless you!!

One word answer--MONEY

The takeaway from all this is that many of us are in the same boat, paddling with one oar whilst our sibs stand on the shore looking at the birds, completely oblivious to us going 'round and 'round in circles.

I recently tried to get Mother's LTC policy from my brother. 2 phone calls, 2 texts to ask him when I could come and get it? (I was planning to get some in home aides for Mother). He FINALLY texted me at 9:45 pm Sunday night (I had a 9 am apt to see the agency. Said "Don't bother getting the policy. Mom changed her mind." I called him back and ripped him to shreds--asked him if he was ENJOYING being completely MIA with Mother and not SUPPORTING what she is now not competent to decide on her own?? He WILL NOT step up, and it was pointless and useless to be angry. Said "Oh, well, when she gets worse, we'll look at it then." I can't wake anybody up to the fact SHE IS WORSE!!!!! Nobody sees her so they don't know!
My older sister just said what she always does, "I'll PAY anything but I will not DO anything." Younger sister uses the "I have to work FT and my hubby doesn't like me to go places when he's home. Weekend we like to relax and golf."

So--it all falls back on my brother who just had back surgery (and will never be able to lift Mother again--she lives with him) and me. I am so mad at her for bailing on this amazingly great idea to get her some HELP....that I told her not to call me again. My innate desire, when someone is begging for help, is to FIX the problem. Evidently, Mother just wants to complain.

We'll see how long this lasts.

It's another level of being taken advantage of when the caregiver is not even taking care of their own parent (such as yakmom's and Dorker's situations). Accepting that sibs do nothing is not really applicable when it isn't one's own parent. (And I have a hard time with it even when it IS one's own parent!)

SO SO glad you are beginning to step away from it, yakmom. We will be a cheering squad for you, just as we are for Dorker!

Yes, I will agree with that completely!

As I read and reread the replies to this thread, I am beginning to think that being "under appreciated" is an understatement to say the least.

CTTN55, H isn't really okay with it, but has yet to do anything. MIL recently had bursitis in her hip and was convinced she had a broken hip. I had to take off work twice, once to the doctor and once to the ER. She woke up with inner ear and ambulance carried her to the ER all that within 9 days. I keep her children updated via text. One responds, one says THanks, two do not respond. When she had her hip problem, I sent in text that "if her hip had been broken, there would have to be some discussion among her children about her care". I have given them the situation with her $$$$ Annuities and CDs would go first until she was could qualify for M'caid and then after she passed, they would take the rest. Her house, land and all. I got zero responses. I will be setting some boundaries. I go pay her bills, set up her meds (I'm an old nurse) and get them filled. Get the scripts redone so they can be filled. etc. I am going to do all that on a Saturday, take her to the grocery, buy her personal items (incontinent pads). All in one day. Then I am done. I will check on her, but she is so "needy" it is hard. Sigh.....

Radiator,
So sorry you have gone through such a nightmare but I understand completely. I wish I never had to see or hear from my brothers ever again. They have painted me out to be the villian of this story. The saddest part is I have never done anything to them my whole life to warrant the accusations they have pinned on me.
One abused me in everyway you can imagine since I was a child and the other lived in his own little universe. So, one is a manipulative abuser and the other just happily lives his life uninvolved and clueless about Mom's physical and mental status. Neither stepped up when things started changing with Mom. She had made me DPOA and POA so neither have any power and that just eats them alive. Mom gave me the majority in her will and she unfortunately announced that to one of them when she was still mentally and physically independent. So, he comes to me and plays games trying to figure out why she would do this. Me, being direct and not a game player looked him squarely in the eye and said, "Do you really have to ask why? What have you ever really done for her?" This is a brother who while growing up, spliced the cable line from Mom's room so he could have free cable on his private TV in his room, set up his own little refridgerator in the closet, had his girlfriend living with him (in his bedroom in Mom's house) against Mom's wishes, put a lock on his door and was a major pothead. His girlfriend sold a piece of furniture which belonged to my bedroom set and pocketed the money, had his deliquent friends move in and out of the house and this is the better one of the two! He is however "charming" and has a winning smile & uses this to his advantage. Mom knew how much I worked on and helped out in the house increasing the value of the property. I was a designer and always had a good eye for this kind of thing. She always had me helping her pick out things.
My other brother I could write an entire novel about how he abused me, manipulated Mom into anything he ever wanted. He caused irreparable damage to me. He is and never has been quite right in the head. I get enraged everytime I have to deal with him or even hear his voice. I had to pretend everything was OK my whole life growing up just to "keep the peace in the house." Now he has been brainwashed by his wife to be a good little church goer so now he feels his sins have been washed away since a priest said "You are forgiven" so now it's my fault I refuse to do so. All his actions to me clearly say he isn't really sorry, he has made no attempt at any retribution with me. Once again, it's for his own show and to help him sleep better at night.
Mom chose me, specifically asked me to be the one to care for her and I have held up to my end of the bargain to my own detriment. I never imagined things would have turned out like this. Mom was never wealthy and she would have been darn near broke now had I not made the living arrangements I did to care for her and keep her safe. In return, brothers have accused me of doing this all for my own monetary benefit, etc. I did nothing of the kind. I even tried bringing her to a retirement type of facility and she said, "I want to be with you." I have lost my career, my healthcare, my freedom, my sanity, all to do as Mom asked of me and all my brothers can do is accuse me and spread lies. It makes me hurt and angry. I honestly don't care if she passes away with a dollar left in her account, it isn't about the money and it isn't MY money, it's hers. My job is to make sure she keeps as much as possible for however long she is with us. So far, I have saved her enough to sustain her for quite a while longer, and if she blows through it all and is still alive, my husband and I will have her covered, she never has to worry about being thrown out of a facility because she is broke, ever. Sorry for the long winded answer, my abusive brother just keeps haunting me because Mom lives with me, I will never be completely free of him until she passes, then I will never speak with either of them ever again. Then, I will take a long, desperately needed vacation!

Hi CTTN55, in regards to your reply to yakmom, I completely agree that yakmom is being taken advantage of and family members need to step in and take responsibility. However, from what I gather from all members who replied to this thread is that family members become complacent and selfish when they are no longer burdened with caring for a parent who has dedicated and sacrificed so much for them. It defies logic. Expecting help from them is not going to happen. If there's anything that I learned in life, is that people don't change - or at least we cannot make people change.

After all, isn't it human nature to care for someone regardless if they are a family member, an in law, or any human being for that matter? Or have I become delusional?

CTTN55, please believe that I am not being presumptuous in any way. In fact, I am very grateful for your much appreciated replies.

However, for me, it has come to the point where my siblings feel free to walk all over me. Heaven forbid I say something to my siblings that they don't want to hear; however, it's OK for them to defecate on me at will. There seems to be no way out. Even so, I will continue to care for my mother.

In my case, I think the best thing I can do is to sever my relationships with my siblings and avoid as much contact with them as possible. It has reached the point where this situation has become abusive. No one deserves this. God bless us all - my siblings as well.

Wow...this is definitely universal. I would love for my estranged siblings to read this to get a clue. Realistically, they never will. It is not in their DNA to care. What they cared about was her estate and taking over after my mother fell (and had a brain injury (she was on blood thinners for carotid surgery a week before fall) while I lived with her. They were missing in action most of the time.

Some of us met with her doctor regarding prognosis after surgery. All they could do was blast me in front of her doc who had never had any contact with any of them previously, only me. It was pretty bad. Her doctor left the room after they sat there and screamed at me. My narcissistic brother, told me to stick it in my arse in front of my mom's priest! Being a Catholic (in name only) I thought he might behave if I brought the priest. Obviously not! Then they turned around and stuck an illegal eviction notice on the door of my mother's home, where I had taken care of their mother for several years. After the brain injury, they brain washed her to the point of her bad mouthing me and then hiding her from me. The narcissist even asked me how it felt to know my own mother never wanted to see me again! Talk about a sick person he is. Maybe he thinks by going to confession, he is cleared of his behavior and actions! I saw my mom several months later and we got back on track. She told me she never said that. I believe her, but they were mentally abusing her in her state of mind with dementia on top of brain injury.

When she got sick last year, I found her in the bad condition. The UTI led to her death. they were suppose to be POA'a yet they put her in ADF and she was only bathed once a week! They never told me about funeral or death. I heard from hospice nurse and family friend. I found out after her death, the ADF had several violations only 2 months before my mom entered. They were clueless about what they were doing but thought my medical experience meant nothing.

On top of that, when going through probate, I found out 6 months after her fall, she had been so brainwashed, I was written out of will! This was not my mother's doing. These were siblings that are mentally deranged. I can only feel sorry for them. Yes, I could have used the inheritance, and they took things my mom promised to me. But I have chosen to move forward and know they will never be in my life again. I have the strength and wherewithal to know what I did for my mom was because of what was in my heart and soul. They tried to make it out it was for my benefit, which was B.S. I lost out on a career that paid very well and would have put me in a better situation financially. But I am okay still and I hope my mother knew how much I loved her.

I do not miss them. I miss having a healthy family as I am single. But I have found people to fill in my life, that love and care about me. That is something my mother taught me, but apparently they never learned. They only learned jealousy and greed. I hope they are happy. I know Karma found one of them. I am hoping it finds the others. They are not my "tribe."