Is anyone underappreciated by their siblings?

Yes!

This will probably be a long thread as it is so common. Many siblings who are not caregivers are clueless at the cost of caregiving.. at what your value is worth, the sacrifices to keep them at home as long as possible. Imagine if they had to hire someone to do what you are doing...or pay for an expensive facility?

If your siblings are making false and cruel comments about your handling of your dad's finances, I'd make sure that I was covered. Just for my own protection, I'd consult with an attorney to make sure you have the proper authority to handle things on his behalf, like POA and/or Social Security Representative Payee authorization. And, I'd keep good records.

It sounds like your brother may not be too happy with the situation. I'd make sure dad had his Will in order, too. Since, the passing of a parent usually only makes troubles like this worse.

There was a man on this forum who kept records of everything he spent out of his Moms money. His brother eventually asked for an accounting. The man was able to send him everything and as of his last post, the brother never questioned it again.
All you have to do is take a tablet and one column you show what Dad brings in. In the other show the expenses incurred every month. It will probably show Dad is in the red. Then show where u have to write checks to compensate. Then tell ur brother it would be nice if he shared in some of dads upkeep. Bet he doesn"t complain again until Dad dies then he will want his share.

Whenever I have to take my mother somewhere, it takes hours. I always email my three brothers to let them know what I have done and the time it has taken. I also give them an update on how our mother is.

My mother has told me I'm a liar and doesn't think I do much at all for her. One time I had to stay with her and become her servant for 8 days because she strained some muscles. She told me it was only for a "day or two." So I'm documenting all the time I spend to make sure my brothers know.

I think they appreciate me, but I also suspect they think I'm whining. Too bad; I'm on the scene here and they aren't. They are welcome to move my mother to be near one of them. I wouldn't protest!

Luckily, my sibs don't question how mom's money is spent. (It's only spent on her needs.) But feeling under appreciated? Daily. It's all I can do to not write and send them daily a lengthy email detailing every hour of my day taking care of mom who has moderate/advanced dementia and is incontinent. Each day seems sooooooo looooong.

Some people just don't think about helping the parent, no matter their condition. I'm not sure where they got their brain, but, it's like they just think in a whole different way. That's why I know that me worrying, hinting, waiting, etc. is pointless. I either say what is needed point blank, but nicely, or I make other arrangements. It's a good thing too. I have received ZERO help with my cousin. Not even ONE meal for her, not one visit or call. So, that's fine.

Still, you never know who may pop up one day. I have receipts for every penny spent, as well photographs of the items.

I'm under appreciated by everyone, just like most care givers are, 24/7 job nobody else wants, but boy could they do it better (they just never have and won't ever) I feel for you, pretty much everyone has a clueless beast to deal with, hang in there, you're a good person

As someone else said, this should end up being a long thread as unhelpful siblings are par for the course.

I also kept a ledger with monies coming in and out and kept every receipt for every purchase. I only made purchases for little gifts and so on that Mom may need. No one in my family asked to see this which only proves further the lack of interest. The "oh, sis is taking care of it attitude prevailed"

My mother has recently passed away. But I do relate very much to your description. I have some suggestions.

Keep a running ledger of all purchases, receipts and daily chores/tasks/activities. I realize how overwhelmed you may already be, but it really doesn't take much effort to save receipts and make ledger entries over a cup of coffee. Also, if the cost of food and expenses to cover YOUR bills (since you're "working" as your father's caregiver now) are now a part of your father's expenses, so be it. I was my mother's full-time caregiver, with the exception of whenever I hired someone to give me a little break once in a while, and the only way I was able to do it was to have my mother pay for my car insurance, cellphone, gas, food, etc. This was simply because I was no longer able to work for myself. I gave up my career. I was "working" for her, and in a sense, working for my brother, whether he realized it or not, because I saved my family THOUSANDS of dollars by doing this.

I'm lucky in that I do have a reasonable brother, but he lives in another state and would have NEVER made the sacrifices I made for our mother. There have been times when he just didn't get it, and I needed to set him straight. Truth be told, if it weren't for me, our mother would have been forced to liquidate her estate and move into a nursing home. Or, perhaps, my mother would have had to hire an aide for $60,000/yr. I was NOT going to let my mother go into a nursing home, because she was mentally sharp and specifically wanted to spend her final years/days in her own home. In other words, as the full-time caregiver, I saved my mother (and brother) that financial burden. Point this out to your sibling. Demand respect and compassion, and certainly, if your father is mentally competent to be able to clarify this with your sibling, then he must. If he is able, then he owes it to you... AND to your sibling.

I made the decision to care for my mother out of my heart. It was a no-brainer for me to pack up my life and move in with her. People can think whatever they want (and they do), but the truth is in my heart, as I'm sure, it's in yours. Follow your heart, but cover your back with keeping good records.

I think everyone who is caring for elderly parents with no help from siblings has this problem. I only do PT care for Mother and get routinely criticized for what I do/don't do. It goes with the territory, sadly.

I get support from my sister. She comes up "about" once a month. She is single and still working. My husband and I are retired. My brother offers little, if any, support. I do text him once in a while to let him know what's going on. We decided to have our house remodeled to make it easier for Mom to live with us. We had the contractor give us 2 receipts - one for the work that was related to Mom, and one for the work that was not. 99% of the work was for her. As to the daily living stuff. I know I should keep a log, but not only do I have a POA and medical POA, I am also the executor of Mom's estate. My sister does not question anything. It will be interesting to see what happens with my brother when mom passes away. As far as I'm concerned, if I have to beg you to come to your mother's 90th birthday party, then you really don't seem to care much,

I have a similar problem. I have given up my home and relationships to move in with my mother. My sibling in Florida lives in her huge house, large bank account with her family and friends around her and doesn't help mom in any way financially but is on her bank account. Never comes to see her and only sends thrift store items on holidays. I only use moms money for utilities and her food. I use mine to pay her doctor bills, medication and part of food. I buy her little gifts from time to time and take care of health issues and I'm retired with small income. I learned from the beginning to except I'll get no help from family and focus on my beautiful mom. What matters to me is to please mom and do what's best for our home. Nobody lives our life together therefor I have learned to ignor negativity toward me by keeping focus and sadly not communicating with sister unless mom gets sick. I have released bitterness by doing this. I pray you will find the tools that will help you do the same. It's worked for me. Also keep good records. You are being thought of ❤️

the word underappreciated is mild, unloved is more like it. I'm an only girl with four brothers who have never treated me kind. I didn't get the pleasure of taking care of my mom as she died young in an auto accident. When dad passed he lived in FL and I lived in IN. All of the brothers lived in different states. He was dead for two days before any of them called to tell me my dad had passed. Why? Because they were all racing to get to FL to see if they could find any money and to take his stuff. The weight on my heart knowing I had never been valued by any of them was heavy. When I made the decision to disown them the weight lifted. I don't miss them because there was nothing there to miss.

Neither of my sibs questions me as POA, thank God, and both have managed to avoid all the stress involved in her care these many years. I've always up-front shown them both everything paperwise from every encounter with the eldercare lawyer and always invited them to come with me every time I've had to see the lawyer. No secrets. I think both my sibs know if they ever questioned me in a nasty way concerning where mom's money is or goes, I'd have no problem tearing them a new one. My brother is the type who's learned to let his wife make most decisions anyway to keep the peace and has made it clear to me whatever I decide concerning mom is fine by him. He has plenty of headaches on his job and with his wife's many female relatives who constantly need something fixed. He's never come to see mom since she's been in the NH; his wife does visit with mom every other week, and she and I communicate a lot via email. My sister sees mom a few times a week. The two adult grandkids in town have never come. Two of mom's living sister-in-laws, both in fine health, have never come to see mom in the NH. (When mom lived with me for three years and prior to that, I was the one who transported mom to their respective houses to visit; nobody ever stopped by my house to see mom, and we all live close). Mom doesn't retain much now and just smiles at anybody who addresses her by name; her vision is lousy, and she doesn't make eye contact.   I talk with her and feed her at dinnertime most days. I'm just relieved she's now in the NH. Caring for her at home was killing me, and they do a great job where she is.

There will always be those who make a difference. You are one of them. Sadly, there are some that see the things you have accomplished but they refuse to acknowledge your sacrifices. The cool thing is, you really don't need it. By now it has been well established that you will survive and manage to get thru it without recovering a single contribution that made a difference. In the end there are always those who are missed the most for the things they did. I found that out when I had to let go to save myself.

GingerLocke: "My sibling in Florida lives in her huge house, large bank account with her family and friends around her and doesn't help mom in any way financially but is on her bank account. Never comes to see her and only sends thrift store items on holidays. I only use moms money for utilities and her food. I use mine to pay her doctor bills, medication and part of food."

Your sister is on your mother's bank account? Why aren't you the one on the bank account? (And why isn't your mother paying for her own doctor bills and medication? And for her food?)

I hope that you and your sister don't inherit equally from your mother.

This is a very common theme; one person is a caregiver and siblings vanish. Ignore, and move forward with caring and the daily tasks.
You have done well.

Dare him. Tell him you are going to leave and your sibling will have to figure out how to care for your Dad and pay the gap in his finances. Full time care runs $150 to $200 a day. I know, I paid it from Mom and Dad's savings for four years and then from my own home equity for another two years while I worked as an IT manager. Eventually I gave up my six-figure job to take care of Mom because beside paying the per diem, I had also to cover Sundays, holidays, and vacations when I was working well over 80 hours a week in my high-demand job, meaning I got nearly no sleep ever and no time off ever. So, send my little note on to your sibling. This is the real deal.

I hear you loud and clear! In the 2 years I've cared for my Mother in my home I can count on 1 hand the number of times my brothers have visited with her. I've reached a point where I don't care what they say or don't say, what they do or don't do. I'm the one who quit my job, lost decent insurance, the opportunity to save in my 401k and go on my pauper SS. I'm burned out. They have never called me and asked how I'm doing. They call Mom on her birthday, 1 called on Mother's Day and they sent me a text to tell her Merry Christmas! So yeah I understand! Wishing you hugs and blessings!

Both my parents became sick about the same time. My mother asked me to handle her bills after she had a triple bypass. I thought she would eventually get better, but unbeknownst to me, she had other medical problems that forced me to become her caregiver and having to get a POA for the both of them. During the first two years. I had no complaints from my brothers and sister. Only one of my brothers help me tremendously, especially with my father. He was a lot to handle. The other siblings didn't lift a finger -- not one. Just before my mother passed away, I was accused of theft mainly because a month after her illness, I bought a used car. To prove my innocence, I showed my sister my bank account to show that the money I paid for my car came from my 40lk. She and the brother still had doubts. After my mother passed away and I now have a lawsuit pending, those three decide to not comply with what I had to do to start the lawsuit. What the h*ll happened? I could not believe that they thought I was a thief and I did everything I could to help my parents stay alive. After my father passed away, it had gotten worse. There is a lot more to this story, but I guess you get the picture. It seems the ones that complain the most did nothing to help the situation. If it wasn't for the brother that helped me, I would not have been able to proceed with their care. It was a very exhaustive time for me. My parents, especially my mother, always told me they would not know what would have happened to them if it weren't for me. The bottom line is that I have no regrets and I can live the rest of my life knowing I was a huge help to my parents in the years before they passed away. Thank you for reading my post.

It is so interesting to me that siblings that never have the time to call or visit have the time to criticize and gossip and advise on a subject they know nothing about. I think they have to blame you to justify not helping you. We know what you have given up and how unappreciated you are. Sending you love and prayers and hugs!!!

Thank you Cherylmorgan11. Your comment is much appreciated. Blessings to you.

I've spoken on this topic and on this list before - yes it is a huge topic. I was reading about African value system yesterday, how people worked to benefit the community, not individuals - because a community that grows, brings up all members. But a single rich person does not bring up a whole community. I appreciated this under-recognized ethical system - for when I took responsibility for my youngest brother's entry into adult life, I knew I needed help, far from family, and without family of my own, I found professional programs very limited - and placed him in small rural towns where I found community places that would support him just by being there.

I relate to your share, Moxy - "unloved" - painful, and something that takes time to cope with. That was much of my experience in my fragmented home, and it took me a long time to sort out the interwoven issues around my relationships to my family - but once I saw disabled brother's vulnerability to predators of many kinds, if I did not stand close to him - I did stand there and contributed much of my working energy to learning how to help, coach, find support and then find ways to tie the supporters together, all to get him past the stage of youthful rebellion, and learn how to learn from others and be helped.

I kept in touch with my family in other aspects - biding my time after disagreements, and I hated their pronouncements of interpretation of my character which blamed my personality or lacking social skills for the amount of difficulty I found in working with people - they had no idea, from their total distance, of the impact of fragmentation in helping services, how that makes them very ineffective in any support outside their institutions (and also not much help at times, within them.) They need to be helped to notice changes and target care.

I came a long way with my siblings over the years - my one older sister and I started by making up after I initiated adult times of her visiting me. Later, brothers. I'm now 73, and older brother who manages the money, is 80. He has learned that I take no direction from him, for I was the one who stayed close enough to see and find what was needed for the youngest disabled one. He took over money management after death of oldest brother, so he arrived after all my work had happened.

I've learned to get help or advice from him, and we have a basic arrangement for money - so I tend to relax, until i hear him object to me mentioning my struggle to deal with the cumulative cost to my own economic and physical advancement in life (I'm buried in clutter, and work to reduce and eliminate it - but that job in itself keeps me from doing the writing or pursuit of other career, for my own retirement income - and time to build on my interests, not disabled brother's.

Problem is, brothers have learned a formula, too often repeated in our countries here, that praise individual responsibility, and interpret any other version of life needs and care, as secondary to employment and jobs and investment money planning, and they think they can apply their wisdom learned in their business relationships to others.

Fact is, there are times of life where everyone is vulnerable, areas where some need special education to remedy gaps, and someone stable, not flying all around the world - to watch over them, and see what's needed. That's where the alternative ethic comes in, I think - if everyone enjoyed community, and did our best to show up and contribute to ongoing activities, we can find help and resources all around us - not from the limited venues offered in our system so based on ideals for people only in the workplace and of working ages.

I don't think it's so much being "under appreciated " as mistrusted. Since your brother is also your father's child and part of your immediate family, he should receive at least a quarterly if not monthly statement of what your father's expenses are. Include dates of expenses and even check numbers if you want to. Then, in addition, send him a copy of the bank statement and credit card statements if applicable. Also include copies of receipts of any monies that come out of your own pocket for Dad, even if it's a trip to Mickey D's for him. Circle items on receipts that are for him. Flood your brother with proof that you aren't doing anything "shady" with money. You may feel that if he doesn't contribute he doesn't need to know, but obviously he feels he does.

This was the case. I've recently all but ceased caring for my mother and now my brother, his wife and two children mostly care for her. The four of them do for her what I did for her daily for years and hopefully, now they see how difficult it has been.

Just keep in mind that you will have "no" regrets and did your best!! I agree with the others, keep a log of everything. Don't feel bad because my oldest brother thinks that the 50 dollars that medicaid leaves my mom to live on in the state of OH in AL is enough for every month which is a "huge" laugh!!! They have no idea what it takes. I hope I don't have any regrets, because I know that I did for my mom and will till the end. Good luck and blessing's

Not just unappreciated but actually lied about is more like it. It's usually the one that does absolutely nothing to help with care or financially, and is keeping an eye on their "inheritance". Sad but true. Hang in there Nantucket you have a lot of company on this issue.

Obviously, this is a very common theme. I too cared for my mom without help. Sibs did the fun stuff mostly. When my mom fell and had sub-dural bleed (and surgery) 3 years ago, they swooped in and took over by putting her in Adult Family home and hiding her from me. I did not see my mom for 8 months. I left the country for 5 of those months on what I call my " healing journey." It ripped me apart, what they did. So glad I took the journey. It was difficult, but beautiful also.

When I returned, I reunited with my mom. She had dementia and of course was on a downhill slope after brain surgery. But I knew she still loved me. I think they tortured her by continuing to bad mouth me as they were afraid of losing their goods in the will. One month before she got sick with her UTI, she sent me a card, thanking me for all the things I did for her. I will never forget that she had the capacity for that.

They rushed in to take over because of their guilt and projected their misgivings on me as they needed to blame someone. There were the ring leaders and the ones who went along with them. I can only pity them because it was hard work and they were not up to it. I was there for my mom and though I gave up so much, I feel like the lucky one now. It takes a strong, empathetic, and good person, to do what we have done. Was I perfect? H*ll no! I was stressed to the max. But I did the best I could with what I had alone and I can hold my head up with no guilt. They get to live with their bad behavior and lack of consideration for my mom and me. They brainwashed my mom so badly, the will was changed when I was on my healing journey. I found out a month after she passed. It has been a tough road. They showed their true colors and whether they ever had guilt or not (doubtful), it is over and I no longer have anything to do with them. What they did to me, they also did to my mom. Someday they might learn as I told them in my goodbye email was, "You will either be cared for or be put into caregiver role, then you might figure it out."

Human beings are capable of good and evil. I am always amazed at the difference and what path one chooses. As friend said, "One is born with the empathy gene." Hold your head high. You know what you are doing is the best you can. Don't let anyone destroy that! Hang in there!

Sounds like yours. My sister lived here for 8 years and left five years ago when I came. She took over his house put her son in my dad's bedroom so he had no privacy and no room to go or he could close the door and be alone. She took over his garage and made him park outside. She paid only certain utilities and every time she or her son broke something it wasn't her fault and dad had to pay for it. My dad felt like an outsider. I do my best to pamper Dad but he still pretty independent at 94. Occasionally I need my sister's help if she's nearby and occasionally she helps like this week when Dad needs to go to an echocardiogram which he accidentally scheduled the same time I have a doctor's appointment I've had for 3 months that I must go to for a controlled substance refill as I'm on disability period I contribute nearly every dime I have so I can't save a dime towards my time after he's gone. My dad plans to leave whatever is left which is likely nothing to my sister and the other half to me but I have to maintain the house which is the one asset where the funds will come from. Did I mention she has a stash of money in her savings and will soon get a $2,000 a month pension plus Social Security? And she's on Medicaid which I can't qualify for because I barely make over the poverty mark. We eke by but Dad appreciates that I do more than my sister ever did and that I have transformed his home with my butterfly gardening and cooking and decorating on a dime. He's still my hero and drives me crazy and I drive him crazy. Every night he says goodnight Gracie and I say goodnight Gracie. I'm starting to work on a plan exit strategy for me like a Golden Girls household.

Yes, the siblings in a family that are not selfish and self serving normally would say; you are doing a great job we support you, and you can manage the money in the manner that best helps Dad. However when a family has a situation like this where one person is doing everything but the siblings on the outside looking in are selfish; then they just sit back and judge instead of doing the right thing and supporting that person and the family. I am the only one of seven children and I can totally relate. They make my life the worst possible by calling my Mom daily and putting negative thoughts in her mind for their own benefit. Then I have to live with that the rest of the time which has been seven years now. Its just very sad that siblings are like this but most are.