I am my father's primary caregiver and have access to his checking and small savings. I DO NOT STEAL from him. That said, I have a sibling that said 'he doesn't know WHAT I do with Dad's money and that I have been "living off him my whole life" Actually, my father would not be able to stay in his own home if I didn't live there with him. Even though the house is paid for his only income is SS and that is poultry. Just curious if anyone else has a scary sibling? Thanks.
Your being the stepandfetchit for MIL suits everyone just fine -- MIL gets her needs taken care of and her children know their mother gets taken care of without them lifting a finger. So why would they "come around"?
You are allowing everyone to take advantage of you. She is not YOUR mother, so why are you the one taking care of her? The 2 children who live 20 miles way need to step up to help.
Do you think you could start setting some boundaries?
Is your H okay with you doing everything while his sibs do nothing?
Those who stay with their parents and care for them are the blessings themselves especially if the have love for their parents, and offer their daily work to God .
Wow, unbelievable! Isn't it amazing they can contribute in no way time wise or financial but we "the caregivers" that sacrifice our lives and lose our jobs/careers, healthcare, social security, are broke and THEY feel WE are the wrong doers! Making criticisms from there high chairs and whining if they are inconvienienced in any way. They can have their houses, vacations, lamborghini's and freedom but it isn't enough, they still want their cut of the parents money and we are the ones who are scrutinized & accused of mishandling money, care, whatever they feel we have, or have not done right according to "the ones" not involved. Gotta love those fabulous siblings that make our already stressful undertaking and sacrifice we make for our parent that much worse! 😤 Money truly is the root of all evil, followed by selfishness.
I often wonder just how it is that there is usually one sibling who has to take care of the elder, while the other sibs do nothing and make themselves scarce. Sometimes it's such a sweet wonderful parent who deserves the very best of care (often interpreted to mean that one sib gives up everything to become the parent's live-in caregiver).
What I really wonder is how such a "sweet wonderful" parent could raise the sibs to be so selfish and uncaring. Just how "wonderful" was that parent, really?
At the very least, the parent should pay the child who has given everything up for the parent's health, comfort and desires (to live at home). And any parent who won't do that should not get the care from one child only.
Today, the rehab center told me that they wanted over $8,400 deposit. I no longer have that money. So I informed my brother about this. After yelling at me about not having the funds, he said he would cover it, but wants the money back. I would understand his being upset about forking over the money, but my brother annually makes well into the 7 figures. It's OK to have a Lamborghini in his garage, but he is that cheap not to help out my Mother. I would be willing to go bankrupt to help my mother. After my conversation with him today, the only relationship I now have with my brother is biological. What a disgrace!!! Money is the root of all evil.
Wow!!!! Way to hit em where it counts! I wish I could do that but one brother is a mental case and the other would shove her in a nursing home. Either way, she would be broke in no time so not an option if she is to be happy and have enough money to live on for however long she is with us.
That's what they get. !!!!! No one will really understand your pain and the things you do until you move out. It was a hard decision, but I do feel better and am still helping mom a few days a week. Good Luck.
But, I would like to say I was surprised to see this thread. I thought I was the only one to be underappreciated by my siblings. After all, I am sure you all know how much time, work and dedication it takes to be a caregiver. Regardless, I am willing to sacrifice anything to ensure that my mother enjoys her last years.
Since I am the only sibling who is still single and does not have a family, and since most of my work can be done at home, my siblings must think I have it easy. There is nothing easy about spending 60 hours a week for my job and concomitantly taking care of my mother. Lately, my job has been very demanding. I am sleep deprived, lost 35 pounds, and I am becoming physically ill. I have a brother that lives a block down the street and a sister that lives only a mile away. Recently, I have asked them for a little help. I am too embarrassed to mention here how they replied. Never in my life would I have ever expected this from my siblings - from a family that was so tight-knit. I just don't get it.
That was not longer after caring for my late husband through his cancer.
Exactly. If my brothers even try to pull something, my husband will come down on them like a tsunami, he alone gets to see and hear all I go through. He knows all my work and sacrifice. He knows what my brothers have and have not done. He also should have been an attorney himself, nobody and I mean nobody wins when they try to go up against him. I have watched people try! I did however write up a little spread sheet last night thinking of what you had said. I will work the numbers next by seeing how much if all this was "hired out" just for context. When she passes, if they start up on me, I can hand them that paper and say, "Oh, I couldn't think of a pricetag to put on freedom and sanity, what do you think that would amount to?"
My Mom also chose where she wanted to be. She was loved and thrived in my household and we had the time of our life. Unfortunately, my siblings made their priorities clear and that wasn't in coming to see their mother. I am also the villain. It's strange. One of us needed to take care of her...that shouldn't make that person the enemy. My siblings did things and said things that I will never understand. I am still waiting for one sibling to try and do a civil suit. She has made up a whole story in her mind about me so that she can soothe her guilt. She has convinced herself that somehow I benefitted from Mom's money. In fact, it is the other way around. My husband and I paid out more than they could ever imagine. That is where I wish I would have spent a few hours taking Mom to an elder law attorney and there we could have gone over everything to avoid what eventually happened. Never could I have dreamed this scenario. People don't understand there is a sacrifice of putting your life on hold, and it is hard on relationships with the extra person always around and needing 24 hour care. They don't understand that it is expensive, tiring, and very hard work. Unless you are doing it and paying for the expense, I think it is easy to take for granted that the cost is huge and so is the sacrifice. We do it because we love our parents, but unless you are there, it is hard to understand all that it entails, not only during your parents care, but also afterward. I wish my siblings would have tried a little harder, been more understanding, unfortunately...they still don't get it. Our relationship with each other fractured. I never would have thought that would be the conclusion that first day Mom came to live with me. I thought I had their understanding that we would go through it together, but instead I found myself all alone in caring for her. I think you are smart getting it all in writing. It will come in handy when the end comes. I just never took the time to think that this might change our relationship in the end or I would have run to the nearest attorney. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.
You could have been writing an almost duplicate story of what I have been and am still going through. I have saved Mom so much money but they see me as the villain. I really don't care anymore but if she passed tomorrow, they would get an inheritance where as well f I had walked away, stuck her in a home, she would have been or very nearly broke. I do have a brother who is not quite "right" in the head. He is the one kicking up the most dust of course, the other one I never see or hear from. He sends cards on any major occasion to Mom, that's about it. The difference is this has so negatively impacted my life, I do feel regrets as I watch life pass me by, watch Mom getting worse, the stress and strain on my marriage, my finances from not being able to work ( which will affect my retirement $$) watching her dementia progress from mid to high. Specialized treatment of her lymphedema in one leg (done by me) handling all her monthly finances, shopping, clothing, etc. etc. All the while, no appreciation except always being the villian to my brothers. I really don't think I need to fill out my homework papers just for them. Mom picked me, not the other way around. She is well cared for and quite spoiled, they just kept thinking she would die in her own home and they would get a nice chunck from the sale of the house, but when her memory started going and she was not safe to be alone, changes had to be made for her safety and wellbeing. So, I am the accused since I had to sell her property, ( 2 story, 4 bedroom) she fell down the stairs. Found a property at an amazing price at the bottom of the housing market, she helped with the down as we had to move to accomodate her and her care. These were her specific wishes, she had made that clear even before her mind started going. I have paid, believe me, I have paid the price and saved her from going broke.
I gained 30 pounds from lexipro that I started coinciding with this new life change. So now I stopped the med and see a counselor. Sad that I have to pay someone to be my cheerleader.
You need to keep two sets of books.
One set of books tracks everything you paid for on behalf of your father, using his own money. Single entry bookkeeping is good enough. Record: Date / Time, Merchant, purchase, reason (if not obvious) and amount. Keep ALL receipts. Keep this ledger at his house, but make a copy of it for yourself, that you keep in your house. Offer to send your siblings a copy of this ledger. Use a ledger book, one that is bound and the pages are numbered. Don't EVER tear pages out of it--that will raise suspicions. If you make a mistake in an entry, put one line through the entry to cross it out. If you found an error in a page and recopied it, put a single slash through the page. When you write in the ledger, only use ink.
Keep a second ledger / log book for yourself. Caregivers have A LOT of unreimbursed expenses. Also, family caregivers spend A LOT of time caring for their loved ones. Ungrateful siblings usually don't realize how much time you are spending doing unpaid elder care. This doesn't have to be as formal as your Dad's monthly expense ledger, but it does have to be accurate. I'd start a new page of your caregiver's log book each time I'd visit. The heading would be:
Start Date/Time (this is when you left home, not when you got there)
Reason for visit:
Beginning Odometer Reading:
End Date/Time (when you returned home)
Ending Odometer Reading:
Tasks done / time spent doing tasks:
Unreimbursed Expenses (this can be cleaning supplies, stamps, restaurant bill you picked up, stamps, stationary / greeting cards that you purchased for him, cleaning supplies, vacuum bag for your vacuum, etc). It's amazing how these things can add up.
Notes and Observations: What you write down depends entirely on your situation. Why track mileage: it's the best way to estimate your car expenses. Here are some reimbursement rates from the IRS web site: 17 cents per mile driven for medical or moving purposes, 14 cents per mile driven in service of charitable organizations (web page: https://www.irs.gov/uac/2017-standard-mileage-rates-for-business-and-medical-and-moving-announced). You want to track the amount of time you spend caring for Dad (and that includes the time driving to and from Dad's place) because if you weren't doing this work, he would have to pay someone else to do it. At 15/hr plus travel (which is probably a low estimate), you can get an idea of how much you're doing is worth.
The goal of this log book is to show your ungrateful siblings how much the unpaid elder care you're providing is worth.
At the end of the month, tally up your mileage, your Dad's expenses that you covered and your hours (including travel). 'Pay' yourself 15/hr for your time, 17 cents per mile as well as your expenses. This gives you an idea of how much it would cost to replace what you are doing on behalf of your father. This is low estimate; but I'd bet it would be impressive.
If your siblings are decent people, once they see your log book and your dad's expense ledger, they'll understand. You'll get a, "I didn't know that..." and probably some version of 'I'm sorry '. This is a good time to talk to your siblings about caregiver burnout and respite care. (Think of respite care this way: there were times where you wanted to do something 'adult' and you needed a break from the kids. That's why you would use a babysitter, call your 'rents or in-laws or make arrangements with a neighbors for sleep overs. You need an occasional break from Dad, so that you can destress and continue to do right by him, just like you needed a break from your kids.) Providing respite care might be something that they can do.
OK, let's assume that a sibling is being a real a**hole. There are many reasons why siblings can be a**holes, such as jealousy, sibling rivalry, money, self-centeredness / entitlement, etc. There are many ways siblings can be real a**holes, such as penny pinching, accusing you of mismanaging Dad's money (when you haven't), accusing you of not doing enough, offering to help / provide respite care but not following through, etc. When this happens, you will need to hold a MODERATED family meeting. I would recommend hiring a Elder Care Coordinator on behalf of your father to do this. An Elder Care Coordinator is either a Registered Nurse or a Social Worker with extensive geriatric experience--and that includes working with families. If you suspect that one (or more) of your siblings is mentally ill (or personality disordered), you will want an Elder Care Coordinator with mental health experience. You'll want the Elder Care Coordinator to assess your Dad's need for care and review the care that you are providing him. If you have an elder care logbook (like what I recommended above) , that will really help. Explain to the Elder Care Coordinator that you are having problems with your sibling(s) and explain the dispute. Before hiring an Elder Care Coordinator, I would explain to Dad that you want to make sure he is getting the help he needs and that to do it, you want to call in an expert for advise. After meeting with you, the Elder Care Coordinator will meet with your Dad and will discuss his care plan and any changes that might be beneficial. The Elder Care Coordinator will write a report and you should send this to your a*hole siblings. As part of this assessment, you want the Elder Care Coordinator to moderate a family meeting, to discuss your Dad's ongoing need for care. There are many a**hole siblings who will NOT listen / take seriously what the caregiving sibling has to say, but WILL listen to what an expert has to say. This is especially true with self-centered / narcissistic and some sociopathic siblings. Yes, this is expensive, but it's MUCH CHEAPER than having to hire a lawyer because the a**hole sibling called Adult Protective Services on you. (Should the a**hole sibling call APS on you after this, the Elder Care Coordinator's report will help you cover your a**.)
There is another thing that you can do: stop providing elder care. If you're like me, this isn't something you want to do, but it might be something you have to do. If your Dad is abusive / unappreciative, your Dad needs more care than you can provide, providing care to Dad is wrecking your marriage / family life (remember, your family MUST come before elder care) it's time to step away. If you are dealing with a completely self-centered a**hole sibling that is making your life miserable and won't stop, the best thing you can do is to walk away and tell the sibling that he or she is now responsible for looking after Dad. In my case, both my mother and brother are severely personality disordered. It's highly likely both have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it's entirely possible that both of them are functioning sociopaths. For nearly a year after my father died, I provided elder care to my mother, helped her clean out the farmhouse and move into somewhere more appropriate. When I asked for respite care from my brother, all I got was excuses. I was verbally abused by my mother and did develop stress related health problems. Thanks to some very good (and timely) religious counseling, I realized that I had fulfilled my familial obligations; that I owe my mother NOTHING. My pastor helped me set limits--decide what sort of help I'm willing to provide (no hands-on care, no visits, sign papers, let social worker / visiting nurse association arrange care) .
Get straight in your thoughts, clear your head and tell them exactly what's on your mind and spare no feelings. Remember this, They have offered you up for the sacrifice without blinking an eye so they can live their lives of free choice and free of burden, so stop being the better person/s, stop this being kind expecting them to react with respect and reverence.
To wait. Speak kind, be patient etc etc, to still do more for "those that do nothing to help, for you to sit there and expect others to eventually show you the rightful respect when they thus far have shown exactly who they are thru the very lack of involvement and insult and threats they send your way, is a problem you need to over come. Those individuals that feel guilty will lash out, they will look at money rather than look at the care ... do not fall into that trap of feeling guilty for using an elders income to help take care of them.
(With care givers; Often the personality traits of care givers that first enable them to actually do the care, often include thier own feelings of guilt if the elders money is needing to be used to afford the care they are providing .. when that happens the dead beat siblings know this and then take advantage of those character traits and start to dig and threaten.) fact is; This world takes money and our own money as care givers should not be forced to be used in the affording the elders life and care, we are already working long and strenuously hard hours and to have to turn around and have to pay for everything on top of it is nuts!!!!!!!!! Flipping nuts!!!. Familia Care giving wipes out every financial savings or earnings we have.
Money is a fact of life, it takes money to keep a roof over our own heads and when we are taking care of another that means we are then limited in our own money making potentials because our daily lives are absorbed into the care, the meere time care-giving demands disallows our own earning potentials as individuals. ... So these family members who expect you to not only stop your entire life to care for the elder, and also expect you to foot the bill for it... my perception is those dead beat family members could be considered insane via bouts of denial of reality .. those dead beats then lash and threaten in hopes to exchange their own guilt they own inside, with blame and use the "money as reasons to blame.
That's what weak families full of weak individuals do to the care givers. Do you understand.
... last comment; Our country is just as lame and weak when it will not recognize familia care givers as being rightfully owed financial support, but will recognize facilities as a right to be paid for the care of our elders. This is a travesty and a crime.