Is anyone underappreciated by their siblings?

When my father in law was living with us, we invited all the siblings to spend Christmas at our house. We suspected it was going to be his last year and sadly that turned out to be true. We didn't expect the reaction we got from all of them: that they had no idea how much time and attention it takes to be a full time caregiver. They were all impressed with their brother (my husband) who had lost his job the previous year because of all the time he had to spend with his dad. We weren't looking for validation when we invited them, but it was nice to see how they recognized the changes this had made on our life and how they appreciated the work it took. People simply don't understand until they see it.

I have two brothers that do and have done zero in the way of Mom's care. Even when she first started showing signs of trouble, I asked one of my brothers to help me showing his concern for her driving and back me up. Did he? Nope. They were getting ready to get rid of her at work, so I talked her into retiring prior to this so her dignity would be spared and then my brother lashed out and said, " You made her quit her job!" She was 73 at the time! How long did he think she should go on being a nurse with a severely lymphatic leg and a failing mind? I then told him, did you know they were getting ready to force her to retire? Of course not, that would have required him being a part of her life enough to observe these problems!
She chose me to care for her and gave me full power over all of her care legally. I am not going to keep every reciept, document everything, I am too darn busy nor will I cater to those jacka$$es.
I do my best for her and keep her on a budget. If she had gone into a facility, she would have been flat broke by now and then what? Would either of them have stepped up and said "We will have her move in with us and pay for her expenses now that she is broke?" I don't think so. They would let her become the states problem. They have no clue what I do for her and how I have sacrificed my life, my career, my freedom and my sanity just to make sure she is safe, well taken care of and has money for however long she is here. They can both go straight to he (double hockey sticks!) I owe them no explanations. Go ahead and try to get a lawyer, they couldn't afford to try and fight me on this.

Be open about the information with your sib. Sometimes it is a lack of information that causes confusion and controversy. That could calm down the sib. Show him what you do with the money. It's very expensive to be cared for.Good luck. Your dad is lucky 🍀 to have you 😍

I have been caring for 2 parents for 4 and half years - my father's care was massively intensive. My sisters have fort me the whole time with the only intention to get me off a POA as my eldest sisters belief is purely that elderly people should be in residential homes. My life has been a total h*ll. On top of this in the UK if you say no to any medical treatment or fight for the right for best treatment you are blacklisted. My eldest sister used to work for Social Services many years ago. My sisters are bullies and have sytematically made up stories. The climax my father was held 9 days in a condemned hospital and made so ill and given MRSA and I had to get a Barrister to get him out. My mothers mind has gone re my fathers death and my sisters who do no care or give no help whatsoever apart from a couple of hours visit outside the house if they feel like it, they can speak to me and and condesend me, make up stories, etc etc if I say anything they call the 'friends in Social Services'. I can hardly keep going let alone keep up with paper work and accounts. Here a carer wants £100 per day and my father needed 2 carers and it would have gone to a higher bracket. £1600 to £1800 per week. I take £109 and yet the Public Guardian Office made me give 4 years of accounts re my sisters reported me. There is no looking it to them what they dont do.

There seems to be no legal help as no one seems to know the law, Any elderly person in the UK is labelled Dementia and everyone gets paid for the label. Then the Mental Health Act comes in that can overpower a POA and decide best care in a nice expensive residential home with all kickbacks. And my mother is a very difficult lady so she would shortly be drugged. I need a Personal Assistant and a good lawyer but how do I pay for that?

My fathers was ruptured 5 x with catheters when it should not have been put in. The Geriatrician said it was not worth treating him he would only be back again.
The Ambulance crew cut up his backside and feet so badly just transforming him.#
The hospital gave him forced bed rest and tried to force me to sign a contract that I would only allow pharmaceuticals not the herbs my father has been on for 18 years.

Other Doctors outside the National Health System have been supportive but their hands are tied too. We are under a dictatorship in medicine where elderly get so drugged at every symptom it is rediculous. No one looks at nutrition as they are not trained. We are 30th out of 31 European countries in medicine but my father was forcibly held. Why. Because I wanted to use my fathers money on taking him to France to get him proper help using the money he earnt all his life but my eldest sister didnt want that used. And who gets listened certainly not the carer.

All I want to do is get my mother to Europe where the system does not involve Social Services and Proactive Care teams deciding the fate of your parent whether you like it or not.

I am comfort eating and highly stressed from 2 girls that have done nothing to support their parents but my mother adores one of them and gets fed they cant come to the house because of me etc but in fact they just dont want to.

I tried with all my heart and soul to prevent my parents in homes. I gave them my word I would not let it happen but never in a million years did I think that my sisters would be more interested in inheritance and money and a slaughter of my very soul.

I dont know what is going to happen as I havent got everything recorded. I have bank statements and piles of receipts. Everything costs and trying to keep money as you know what happens if you need extra help or if you run out you have a pop in and then are pushed to the home is best.

I think the UK is one of the worst places in the world to care for elderly because as a whole no one is caring.
Our National Health Service is being run down on purpose and they have no money and the staff are highly stressed so who sufferers, who's not to worry about - the elderly!
More than anytime in my life I want a legal people that could take on the NHS as on your own you do not have a chance. I have a Bachelor of Science and yet I am treated as a fool. And they are allowed to pump antibiotics into frail old people even when they dont have an infections and there is nothing you can do about it.

To have a system like this and two unconscious sisters more interested in putting their little sister down at any cost is telling me what? I have to leave and watch my mothers fate as I had to watch my father be butchered.

Force another catheter in from untrained people but if you say no I am the problem. God help the elderly in the UK and please God if there is anyone out there with any power help me create a holistic shared home.

Sisters - you need a society that truly understands the effects of Narcissism and understand when you are at the receiving end you can end up being the stressed out one whilst the Narcissist stays cool and collected on their mission to negate your very existence.

Will my sisters get their way? I was told my problem is attachment. I just wanted a safe spiritual ending - why are some of us trying so hard to care and the cold hearted get listened to?

Unfortunately, it seems like being under appreciated is a part of being a caregiver. I have an older brother who barely spends anytime with my mother at all. He visits her for a half hour every month or so and only lives 10 minutes away. He's busy living his own carefree life. I live with my mother and have a full time job (40-60 hrs/week). We live in an older house and I pay for all the upkeep and repairs which have been costly (new heater, paint and roof this year). I do and pay for all the shopping (including new clothes for my mother), make my mother's meals, do her wash, clean the house, make my mother's doctors appointment and bring her to them. Yet my brother accuses me of "living off" my mother! Mind you he has lived with us in the past and never contributed a cent while here and even charged my mother for a couple minor repairs he did while living here!
I have come to the conclusion that those who are not directly involved in the caregiving do not have a clue as to the sacrifices we make. And some people are going to think the way they want to think no matter what. As long as you know you are doing the best you can as a caregiver, that's all that matters, not anything said by those that are ignorant or oblivious.

....gonna say somthing right here right now. If any care giving person is not receiving help via money, emotional support, or even the god d*mn (do excuse the lingo but it's to show extreme degrees of severity of the issue and it's needed) ... if your so called family does not offer by actual actions and words, the very high respect that's due to you (anyone in this position) for changing your entire life and for taking the hits financially and for taking the hits of emotional exhaustion, all of which factually and definitely occurs when taking care of an elder. Funny how all these screwed up uninvolved siblings get high on the horse when monies are involved .. yet those very same low life's would never question the costs and fees of a facility when the facilities are allowed to wipe out an elders assets and bank account. 

Get straight in your thoughts, clear your head and tell them exactly what's on your mind and spare no feelings. Remember this, They have offered you up for the sacrifice without blinking an eye so they can live their lives of free choice and free of burden, so stop being the better person/s, stop this being kind expecting them to react with respect and reverence.

To wait. Speak kind, be patient etc etc, to still do more for "those that do nothing to help, for you to sit there and expect others to eventually show you the rightful respect when they thus far have shown exactly who they are thru the very lack of involvement and insult and threats they send your way, is a problem you need to over come. Those individuals that feel guilty will lash out, they will look at money rather than look at the care ... do not fall into that trap of feeling guilty for using an elders income to help take care of them.

 (With care givers; Often the personality traits of care givers that first enable them to actually do the care, often include thier own feelings of guilt if the elders money is needing to be used to afford the care they are providing .. when that happens the dead beat siblings know this and then take advantage of those character traits and start to dig and threaten.) fact is; This world takes money and our own money as care givers should not be forced to be used in the affording the elders life and care, we are already working long and strenuously hard hours and to have to turn around and have to pay for everything on top of it is nuts!!!!!!!!! Flipping nuts!!!. Familia Care giving wipes out every financial savings or earnings we have. 

Money is a fact of life, it takes money to keep a roof over our own heads and when we are taking care of another that means we are then limited in our own money making potentials because our daily lives are absorbed into the care, the meere time care-giving demands disallows our own earning potentials as individuals. ... So these family members who expect you to not only stop your entire life to care for the elder, and also expect you to foot the bill for it... my perception is those dead beat family members could be considered insane via bouts of denial of reality .. those dead beats then lash and threaten in hopes to exchange their own guilt they own inside, with blame and use the "money as reasons to blame. 

That's what weak families full of weak individuals do to the care givers. Do you understand.

... last comment; Our country is just as lame and weak when it will not recognize familia care givers as being rightfully owed financial support, but will recognize facilities as a right to be paid for the care of our elders. This is a travesty and a crime. 

I have a brother in another state who does not lift one single finger to help me with our mom. He only calls her sporadically. I've asked a few times for financial help and he either ignores the message, says he didn't get it, or gives me some story about how hard he has it financially. This is a 2 income family with no rent or house payments to make, 2 kids who have the newest in everything, and they take vacations every year. I live with my mom in a tiny, cluttered, junked up house, I have lived out of boxes for 3 years because there's no room for my things, I live without my kids because there's no room for them here. I have to work from home because my mom CANNOT be left alone for any length of time, so I've been doing freelance jobs from here....this is not a steady, consistent, reliable arrangement in the least and I pay all of my mom's bills plus my own. Right now the temps are in the high hundreds and I can't afford to keep the AC on as much as we need it so we're both hot, sweaty, miserable. When I finally did say something about him not helping his 2 kids - who have never spoken to me before - each sent nasty, awful, awful emails to me. Calling me names, saying my mom doesn't have the dementia problems that she most certainly does have, saying I am "wanting attention", etc. His son contacted me so many times via Facebook I ended up reporting him. So you ARE NOT ALONE. Not at all.

When dealing with unappreciative siblings, it's important to keep very good records.

You need to keep two sets of books.

One set of books tracks everything you paid for on behalf of your father, using his own money. Single entry bookkeeping is good enough. Record: Date / Time, Merchant, purchase, reason (if not obvious) and amount. Keep ALL receipts. Keep this ledger at his house, but make a copy of it for yourself, that you keep in your house. Offer to send your siblings a copy of this ledger. Use a ledger book, one that is bound and the pages are numbered. Don't EVER tear pages out of it--that will raise suspicions. If you make a mistake in an entry, put one line through the entry to cross it out. If you found an error in a page and recopied it, put a single slash through the page. When you write in the ledger, only use ink.

Keep a second ledger / log book for yourself. Caregivers have A LOT of unreimbursed expenses. Also, family caregivers spend A LOT of time caring for their loved ones. Ungrateful siblings usually don't realize how much time you are spending doing unpaid elder care. This doesn't have to be as formal as your Dad's monthly expense ledger, but it does have to be accurate. I'd start a new page of your caregiver's log book each time I'd visit. The heading would be:
Start Date/Time (this is when you left home, not when you got there)
Reason for visit:
Beginning Odometer Reading:
End Date/Time (when you returned home)
Ending Odometer Reading:
Tasks done / time spent doing tasks:
Unreimbursed Expenses (this can be cleaning supplies, stamps, restaurant bill you picked up, stamps, stationary / greeting cards that you purchased for him, cleaning supplies, vacuum bag for your vacuum, etc). It's amazing how these things can add up.
Notes and Observations: What you write down depends entirely on your situation. Why track mileage: it's the best way to estimate your car expenses. Here are some reimbursement rates from the IRS web site: 17 cents per mile driven for medical or moving purposes, 14 cents per mile driven in service of charitable organizations (web page: https://www.irs.gov/uac/2017-standard-mileage-rates-for-business-and-medical-and-moving-announced). You want to track the amount of time you spend caring for Dad (and that includes the time driving to and from Dad's place) because if you weren't doing this work, he would have to pay someone else to do it. At 15/hr plus travel (which is probably a low estimate), you can get an idea of how much you're doing is worth.

The goal of this log book is to show your ungrateful siblings how much the unpaid elder care you're providing is worth.

At the end of the month, tally up your mileage, your Dad's expenses that you covered and your hours (including travel). 'Pay' yourself 15/hr for your time, 17 cents per mile as well as your expenses. This gives you an idea of how much it would cost to replace what you are doing on behalf of your father. This is low estimate; but I'd bet it would be impressive.

If your siblings are decent people, once they see your log book and your dad's expense ledger, they'll understand. You'll get a, "I didn't know that..." and probably some version of 'I'm sorry '. This is a good time to talk to your siblings about caregiver burnout and respite care. (Think of respite care this way: there were times where you wanted to do something 'adult' and you needed a break from the kids. That's why you would use a babysitter, call your 'rents or in-laws or make arrangements with a neighbors for sleep overs. You need an occasional break from Dad, so that you can destress and continue to do right by him, just like you needed a break from your kids.) Providing respite care might be something that they can do.

OK, let's assume that a sibling is being a real a**hole. There are many reasons why siblings can be a**holes, such as jealousy, sibling rivalry, money, self-centeredness / entitlement, etc. There are many ways siblings can be real a**holes, such as penny pinching, accusing you of mismanaging Dad's money (when you haven't), accusing you of not doing enough, offering to help / provide respite care but not following through, etc. When this happens, you will need to hold a MODERATED family meeting. I would recommend hiring a Elder Care Coordinator on behalf of your father to do this. An Elder Care Coordinator is either a Registered Nurse or a Social Worker with extensive geriatric experience--and that includes working with families. If you suspect that one (or more) of your siblings is mentally ill (or personality disordered), you will want an Elder Care Coordinator with mental health experience. You'll want the Elder Care Coordinator to assess your Dad's need for care and review the care that you are providing him. If you have an elder care logbook (like what I recommended above) , that will really help. Explain to the Elder Care Coordinator that you are having problems with your sibling(s) and explain the dispute. Before hiring an Elder Care Coordinator, I would explain to Dad that you want to make sure he is getting the help he needs and that to do it, you want to call in an expert for advise. After meeting with you, the Elder Care Coordinator will meet with your Dad and will discuss his care plan and any changes that might be beneficial. The Elder Care Coordinator will write a report and you should send this to your a*hole siblings. As part of this assessment, you want the Elder Care Coordinator to moderate a family meeting, to discuss your Dad's ongoing need for care. There are many a**hole siblings who will NOT listen / take seriously what the caregiving sibling has to say, but WILL listen to what an expert has to say. This is especially true with self-centered / narcissistic and some sociopathic siblings. Yes, this is expensive, but it's MUCH CHEAPER than having to hire a lawyer because the a**hole sibling called Adult Protective Services on you. (Should the a**hole sibling call APS on you after this, the Elder Care Coordinator's report will help you cover your a**.)

There is another thing that you can do: stop providing elder care. If you're like me, this isn't something you want to do, but it might be something you have to do. If your Dad is abusive / unappreciative, your Dad needs more care than you can provide, providing care to Dad is wrecking your marriage / family life (remember, your family MUST come before elder care) it's time to step away. If you are dealing with a completely self-centered a**hole sibling that is making your life miserable and won't stop, the best thing you can do is to walk away and tell the sibling that he or she is now responsible for looking after Dad. In my case, both my mother and brother are severely personality disordered. It's highly likely both have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it's entirely possible that both of them are functioning sociopaths. For nearly a year after my father died, I provided elder care to my mother, helped her clean out the farmhouse and move into somewhere more appropriate.  When I asked for respite care from my brother, all I got was excuses. I was verbally abused by my mother and did develop stress related health problems. Thanks to some very good (and timely) religious counseling, I realized that I had fulfilled my familial obligations; that I owe my mother NOTHING. My pastor helped me set limits--decide what sort of help I'm willing to provide (no hands-on care, no visits, sign papers, let social worker / visiting nurse association arrange care) . 

To CTTN55 - tell your sister to get off her high horse and help out. It's not fair to you that all the burden is on you concerning your mother's care!

Thanks everyone for your response. What started this argument between my and my sibling was I asked her to go half in with the my parents real estate taxes...She said no, she said that Ive been living off my parent for MY WHOLE LIFE and that shes trying to save money to move out! okay? If it was not for me (or anyone else who would have lived here) my parent would not have been able to afford to keep his house. He has a small savings and very small SSN check. My fiance brought this to my attention, it didnt even occur to me that without my rent for him and paying his taxes he'd be broke!

Oh my, I could write a book about this subject. I'm also caring for elderly parents that still live in their own home. I have been the subject of criticism by one sibling who is absolutely clueless as to the sheer amount of time spent for them and with them. They have all the answers but rarely call or visit. I used to send updates but no longer. I refuse to be treated like a school kid having my emails picked apart with their invisible red pen.

As almost everyone has already stated...I think under appreciation goes with the territory. Even under the best of circumstances remember that your sibling will never have the same experience as you because he chooses, for whatever reason, not to be there. Best advice...write it all down. Even if it never becomes a problem, you have it in writing. I never thought my siblings and I would have a problem when I took care of my Mom. In the end we did. Same as all the other stories. I would have bet we wouldn't be THAT family, but it is just what we ended up being. It fractured us in the end. If I could have done it different I would have drawn up an agreement for expenses. I didn't because I never dreamed it would become a problem in the end. A facility would have cost us 6500.00/month and that didn't include everything that I provided. That is $78,000/yr. Also if we would have chosen to do it hourly it was $20.00/hr. That is $161,480.00/yr. We would have run out of money within the first year. I cared for her for five. Your time is worth money, as is your home, food, utilities, your time as a nurse, as a CNA, and the fact that you are on duty 24 hours a day. My siblings and I had an understanding that Mom's money was for her care...well, until the end. Then they thought I should have taken Mom for free and taken care of all her needs, with my husbands income, even though I also quit my job to care for her. It was amazing to see the turn around. My sibling, however, managed to pay herself for dispersing the estate, but couldn't see how my time, or the years spent caring for Mom had any value. It was criminal. In hindsight, I wish I would have made sure things were written up legally. That includes a wage based on what it really costs to care for someone. I would have kept a ledger of expenses, my time, and her part of what it cost a month. My husband and I ended up absorbing (which is exactly what every caregiver does) the cost of what it took to care for Mom to the tune of about $350,000. My siblings got an inheritance because of what we did. Otherwise Mom would have had nothing left in the end. The thanks that I got for a job well done was being accused of everything under the sun. Neither of them were satisfied. Nothing was enough. No good deed went unpunished. What I had to remember was that because they chose not to be there they would/could never know what it took monetarily to care for Mom. Also they never got to experience the closeness that I had with Mom, or the fact that she lived longer being cared for and loved in my home than she ever would have otherwise. I am far richer for choosing to have my Mom in our home than my siblings will ever be...even with their inheritance. There was nothing left unsaid in the end between Mom and I. My siblings will never have that, and that is what they chose. I feel sorry for them. In their guilt I believe that is exactly why they act so miserable. Make sure you get POA and whatever you need legally to help with Mom's expenses. Make sure that you keep a running log of what it really costs. Figure your time in and a reasonable hourly wage. Even though you care for your Dad from the heart, your time really does have a monetary value. The time that you spend caring for your Dad is worth more than anything else. I think most siblings forget that you are there 24 hours a day, and that affords them the opportunity to have their lives, their jobs, and their freedom. Don't worry about the brother. It is easy to stand in judgment when you are doing nothing to help. If it gets bad...figure in your brother's half of your Dad's expenses every month. That should help keep him quiet. In the end you will be far richer in heart for what you are doing.

**correction...Dad's expenses, and I thought it was a male siblings rather than a female. Sorry!

My mother passed two years ago. I took care of her needs (many doctor/hospital visits) as she declined over several months. My sister lives in another country, but she did come over for two visits during this time. After mother's death, this said to me, "maybe mom would have lived longer if I lived here".

I'm only in to this since October 2016. Just like you ( raisedon Elton), I have quit my wonderful job as a school nurse to live in with my mom. Sorry for your loss btw. The daily support calls from my sister who moved across the country have stopped. Now they are once a week.My brother just became a widower and he is barely coping with that.
I gained 30 pounds from lexipro that I started coinciding with this new life change. So now I stopped the med and see a counselor. Sad that I have to pay someone to be my cheerleader.

Cubpiper,
You could have been writing an almost duplicate story of what I have been and am still going through. I have saved Mom so much money but they see me as the villain. I really don't care anymore but if she passed tomorrow, they would get an inheritance where as well f I had walked away, stuck her in a home, she would have been or very nearly broke. I do have a brother who is not quite "right" in the head. He is the one kicking up the most dust of course, the other one I never see or hear from. He sends cards on any major occasion to Mom, that's about it. The difference is this has so negatively impacted my life, I do feel regrets as I watch life pass me by, watch Mom getting worse, the stress and strain on my marriage, my finances from not being able to work ( which will affect my retirement $$) watching her dementia progress from mid to high. Specialized treatment of her lymphedema in one leg (done by me) handling all her monthly finances, shopping, clothing, etc. etc. All the while, no appreciation except always being the villian to my brothers. I really don't think I need to fill out my homework papers just for them. Mom picked me, not the other way around. She is well cared for and quite spoiled, they just kept thinking she would die in her own home and they would get a nice chunck from the sale of the house, but when her memory started going and she was not safe to be alone, changes had to be made for her safety and wellbeing. So, I am the accused since I had to sell her property, ( 2 story, 4 bedroom) she fell down the stairs. Found a property at an amazing price at the bottom of the housing market, she helped with the down as we had to move to accomodate her and her care. These were her specific wishes, she had made that clear even before her mind started going. I have paid, believe me, I have paid the price and saved her from going broke.

You should have an elder law attorney retained just because you don't know what will happen with your siblings.

You are definitely not alone! I have the same situation. My father just passed away and now its my mother and I. Unfortunately, we are having to move and sell everything...lets just say, I have seen a whole new side to my siblings that I never thought existed! Hang in there! It'll get better!

I am roughly a little over 4 years into this already. We do have an elderlaw attorney with everything spelled out very clearly. She has given all power to me on all accounts, financial and medical. My brothers have no power or say so. If they did, she would be in a Nursing Home and nearly broke. She even gave power to my husband if anything happened to me over my brothers. What does that say?

Rainey69,

My Mom also chose where she wanted to be. She was loved and thrived in my household and we had the time of our life. Unfortunately, my siblings made their priorities clear and that wasn't in coming to see their mother. I am also the villain. It's strange. One of us needed to take care of her...that shouldn't make that person the enemy. My siblings did things and said things that I will never understand. I am still waiting for one sibling to try and do a civil suit. She has made up a whole story in her mind about me so that she can soothe her guilt. She has convinced herself that somehow I benefitted from Mom's money. In fact, it is the other way around. My husband and I paid out more than they could ever imagine. That is where I wish I would have spent a few hours taking Mom to an elder law attorney and there we could have gone over everything to avoid what eventually happened. Never could I have dreamed this scenario. People don't understand there is a sacrifice of putting your life on hold, and it is hard on relationships with the extra person always around and needing 24 hour care. They don't understand that it is expensive, tiring, and very hard work. Unless you are doing it and paying for the expense, I think it is easy to take for granted that the cost is huge and so is the sacrifice. We do it because we love our parents, but unless you are there, it is hard to understand all that it entails, not only during your parents care, but also afterward. I wish my siblings would have tried a little harder, been more understanding, unfortunately...they still don't get it. Our relationship with each other fractured. I never would have thought that would be the conclusion that first day Mom came to live with me. I thought I had their understanding that we would go through it together, but instead I found myself all alone in caring for her. I think you are smart getting it all in writing. It will come in handy when the end comes. I just never took the time to think that this might change our relationship in the end or I would have run to the nearest attorney. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

Cubpiper,
Exactly. If my brothers even try to pull something, my husband will come down on them like a tsunami, he alone gets to see and hear all I go through. He knows all my work and sacrifice. He knows what my brothers have and have not done. He also should have been an attorney himself, nobody and I mean nobody wins when they try to go up against him. I have watched people try! I did however write up a little spread sheet last night thinking of what you had said. I will work the numbers next by seeing how much if all this was "hired out" just for context. When she passes, if they start up on me, I can hand them that paper and say, "Oh, I couldn't think of a pricetag to put on freedom and sanity, what do you think that would amount to?"

I am keeping excellent records of every cent spent both my mothers and funds I spend on her care. My sister is in for a surprise when the day comes for her to collect her so called "inheritance". Every dime my mother gets is spent on her care and needs. My husband and I pick up the slack to make sure she never does without. I might add we are retired on a fixed income. Over the years I have witnessed the greed and selfishness that my sister has displayed so no surprise with her behavior. After the last dust up she created, it became very clear to me that I am definitely the family "fixer". After being put on high blood pressure meds and warned to address my stress, I have completely cut out the fixer role. I do not call and report since this is one of the open doors that leads to my sister creating drama. I will talk to her or answer a post if she ever does, but she never calls to see how anyone is or how everything is going. I have used this method for the last year and I have to admit it is much more peaceful. Our mother is not capable of making any decisions for herself which leaves all decisions in my wheelhouse. Not giving the hate an easy avenue for attach has helped a lot. I also have an excellent attorney that has already said he will handle my sister when that time comes, so I don't have to put up with her nonsense and greet. There isn't going to be anything left and she has already stripped my mother of any items she wanted years ago. If she thought it had a resale value it disappeared. So sad, since it didn't have to be like this. I do believe knowing I have all my records in order for when the time comes for the accounting does make me feel better.

I took care of my Mom for six months, seven days a week and my sister said I didn't take care of her right. Yet, did she come take care for her, No!
That was not longer after caring for my late husband through his cancer.

This is my first post here so hello to the members of this community. My mother nearly died three years ago from complications of surgery that went amiss. Miraculously, she recovered and returned home after 8 months. I moved in with her afterwards and I been her caregiver. I began to write a detailed reply; however, it was turning into a novel where I was ranting about my siblings. I was not sure if it were appropriate or worthwhile to vent my frustrations here, so I omitted it.

But, I would like to say I was surprised to see this thread. I thought I was the only one to be underappreciated by my siblings. After all, I am sure you all know how much time, work and dedication it takes to be a caregiver. Regardless, I am willing to sacrifice anything to ensure that my mother enjoys her last years.

Since I am the only sibling who is still single and does not have a family, and since most of my work can be done at home, my siblings must think I have it easy. There is nothing easy about spending 60 hours a week for my job and concomitantly taking care of my mother. Lately, my job has been very demanding. I am sleep deprived, lost 35 pounds, and I am becoming physically ill. I have a brother that lives a block down the street and a sister that lives only a mile away. Recently, I have asked them for a little help. I am too embarrassed to mention here how they replied. Never in my life would I have ever expected this from my siblings - from a family that was so tight-knit. I just don't get it.

Yep. I even had a sibling who went to mom's checking account and made copies for the last four years to see what I have been doing with her money. Well, she didn't find a d*mn thing that was wrong. So, what did she complain about? Oh, I spend too much money on groceries. Really? Well, (1) mom won't eat out; and (2) I have a very limited time to shop because I can't leave her alone very long. After all this bickering and mistrust I gave my notice and moved out. Now, ALL the siblings have to care for mom 24/7, and I know they are kicking themselves in the a** for coming to this point.
That's what they get. !!!!! No one will really understand your pain and the things you do until you move out. It was a hard decision, but I do feel better and am still helping mom a few days a week. Good Luck.

Sue,
Wow!!!! Way to hit em where it counts! I wish I could do that but one brother is a mental case and the other would shove her in a nursing home. Either way, she would be broke in no time so not an option if she is to be happy and have enough money to live on for however long she is with us.

Protect yourselves. You need an Enduring Power of Attorney, or the equivalent in your state, so you won't be answerable to your siblings. Also, look after your own wellbeing (not just your physical health, but also your mental and emotional health; it's all too easy to lose contact with friends when you're caring for someone fulltime, but you will need your friends - keep in touch with supportive people - and find some "me time" too, for hobbies and just chilling out). My vile sisters told me to only contact them if there was a "health or welfare issue with [our mother]". I showed the messages to my mother, who passed them on to her attorney. She is sick of them because they have been extremely cruel to her since my father passed away, and have been attacking me for absolutely no reason we can fathom, even launching an online smear campaign against me (I had to get my own attorney to write to one of them). I tried to get her grandchildren to call her, but the only one who contacted her was the abusive one (a teenage girl). Then I got these nasty messages from their mothers. They also told me to stay away from their children's fathers (as if I would bother to contact them). Anyway, my mother is in good health, and has given me Enduring Power of Attorney which means I will not have to contact my sisters at all, ever again.

Suepeace I am envious of your bold move. Unfortunately, my mother wrote the trust so that both my sister and I have to conduct any financial transactions together. Even when paying my mothers bills via her checking account, both of us have to sign the check.  My sister betrayed me in a major way.  This is emotional h*ll.  Moreover, my mom is expected to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow.  Because she was ill and the bank is taking their sweet time to review the trust, I had to withdraw all of my money from my checking and savings accounts and deposit it into my Mom's bank accounts to avoid them for being overdrawn.  Now I literally have about $100 to my name.

Today, the rehab center told me that they wanted over $8,400 deposit.  I no longer have that money.  So I informed my brother about this.  After yelling at me about not having the funds, he said he would cover it, but wants the money back.  I would understand his being upset about forking over the money, but my brother annually makes well into the 7 figures.  It's OK to have a Lamborghini in his garage, but he is that cheap not to help out my Mother.   I would be willing to go bankrupt to help my mother.  After my conversation with him today, the only relationship I now have with my brother is biological.  What a disgrace!!!  Money is the root of all evil.

I don't have any answers, only to share my own experience. My MIL has told anyone who cares to listen and is totally removed from her situation that I'm a *&^% who abused her, she called the police and made a report. I only know that after the paramedics showed up to take her to the hospital that she was a victim of elder abuse by me. (WHAAAT???) Of course, she spread this tale to all of her family members, who now think I'm a monster. I've been called every name in the book by a nephew that used to adore me (the feeling was mutual, by the way). I used to cry and curse, but I'm semi-resigned to being hated by a woman who was a surrogate mother. It's such a cruel disease. God help us.

SuePeace, good for you for taking that bold step and moving out!

I often wonder just how it is that there is usually one sibling who has to take care of the elder, while the other sibs do nothing and make themselves scarce. Sometimes it's such a sweet wonderful parent who deserves the very best of care (often interpreted to mean that one sib gives up everything to become the parent's live-in caregiver).

What I really wonder is how such a "sweet wonderful" parent could raise the sibs to be so selfish and uncaring. Just how "wonderful" was that parent, really?

At the very least, the parent should pay the child who has given everything up for the parent's health, comfort and desires (to live at home). And any parent who won't do that should not get the care from one child only.