My 80 year old father had mitral valve replacement surgery on 2/2/22. We were told he would be in the hospital about a week and would be fine. Two days later, he had a major stroke. The doctors told my brother and I and my father that the stroke was minor and he would make a full recovery. We have since been told by different doctors that the stroke was major, in a very bad spot in the brain and that my father would die soon. He is failing to thrive now and has a lot of end-of-life signs, so he doesnt have long. But because of the stroke, he doesn't understand that. He keeps saying, "When I get home, I'm going to ..." "We should all go camping more this summer." "Do you want me to take a look at your car?" I don't know how to handle this! Should I tell him he's never going to go home? I tried asking him in a subtle way what his relationship with God was but he didn't understand. Should I even bother telling him he's going to die soon? Or should I just let him go on believing he's going to go camping again?
i feel so sorry for you, for your father.
your question is very difficult. the answer is so dependent on what you/your family think is best (and if you can guess what your father would want).
personally, if i were about to die — i would want to be told. this way i can say/do what i feel is necessary.
but some people feel it might be cruel for the person to know they’re dying.
it is really, really up to you/your family/trying to guess what you think your father would want (know vs. not know).
huge, huge hugs from me.
just adding:
my instinct is, DON’T TELL HIM. let him enjoy/be happy with his plans what to do when he gets home. his body will fight to live. and he can be happy with his plans.
Personally, I would not tell my father what is to come. My dad is a very straightforward man, he has always said when it's his time it's his time but during moments like these I feel many strong people become vulnerable. I would follow along with his conversations of plans. Let him go in peace and not instill a possible fear of death or the unknown.
But you know your father, you may know what he would want. It seems he has a hard time understanding things, meaning you may tell him his prognosis and he will continue to speak about the future.
I work in a hospital and have seen many patients accept death (who are aware) and many others struggle to accept it. There is no easy answer.
Peace and light to you and yours.
hugs to you OP in this very, very hard situation.
It’s such a personal decision. Whatever you and your family decide, you’ll make the right decision.
I wouldn’t tell him, in the same way Ineedsupport32 and Bundleofjoy replied. This way he can enjoy his plans of going home.
doctors wouldn’t tell patients, if they were going to die. It was believed to be better for patients not to know.
If the patient has family, the doctors would tell family. And family was discouraged to tell the patient.
Some families agreed with the policy. Some didn’t and thought the patient has a right to know.
I extend all my sympathies to you, Raerae123! Whatever you decide, is the right way. You love your Dad.
If you are concerned that his doctors have been wrongly withholding information from him, ask them why - they may have very good reasons for it, but it's their job to discuss his medical condition with him and to communicate what he needs to know in a way he can understand.
It is your job as his child (or, rather, your job as his children - I didn't mean to exclude your brother) to reassure him that he is loved, that you are grateful for his love, and that whatever may come all will be well. Do you know that the afterlife *doesn't* include camping and fixing the car? - because I don't know that. Whatever's on his mind, it's fine to take as his way of connecting with you.
He may or may not know he's dying. If he knows, he doesn't want to talk about it. Let him enjoy his remaining days the way he wants.
Yes.
It does no good to try to alter their beliefs, perceptions. And for what end, anyway?
Especially when someone is forgetful or doesn't understand...let it ride.
Smile and let it ride.
Unless you like being Don Quixote.
You might be surprised how easy it is once you commit to it. Might find it the easiest thing you've ever done.
Make him comfortable, love on him, and make his transition a positive experience as much as you can.
We had the BEST time, EVER! He couldn't find his words, and I'm quite a talker. I told him stories about our very large family after he joined the Army. He's about 20 years older than me. There were lots of stories to tell. We laughed SO much! His strongest recollection was living on a beach when he was small. He loved swimming every day. I consider our time together one of the biggest Blessings of my life.
Make plans, talk about past trips, etc.
If you are worried about his salvation, do not be subtle. Have a talk about it, none of us is promised tomorrow, so it is okay to be open and honest about this, it is his soul afterall. Get a pastor in there and lead him to Jesus if he hasn't already accepted HIM as Lord and Savior.
When my dad had his 1st heart attack, I walked into the hospital room and the first thing he said to me, I was the only believer in my family at the time, "Ya know kid, I hate to tell you there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, hahaha." Grieved my spirit and my response was, "Ya know, maybe you were going the wrong way." It changed his life, he realized that he could be headed to hell and it made him exam his heart. He served The Lord for the rest of his days after his 2nd heart attack the very next day. He spent 4 days in a coma, it took them 6 minutes to incubate him and they fully prepared us for his demise. I wouldn't accept that my Merciful God would let my dad perish, he woke up 4 days later as though he had just gone to sleep the night before. All of his medical team said it was a miracle, it was. Don't lose faith for his soul or his healing.
Prayers for The Lord's guidance on how to deal with this.
Most patients will tell YOU when they are dying. I think it doens't work well for you to tell them when they aren't ready. I remember a nurse friend telling her brother, who she cared for in his last days dying of AIDS, to "go toward the light" and he looked at her in dire shock (couldn't speak at that point) and with panic, as if to say "What the HECK! I am DYING????" She said she learned right then and there it isn't on her to tell someone when they are dying.Take this a day at a time. Be ready to follow Dad's lead. If he wants to dream of fishing, let him. Follow his lead.
If he asks "Well we ever go fishing" the answer is "I don't know Dad, but if we have to go without you I want you to know you will always be there with us wherever we are". Just follow his lead. Reassure him. Tell him you don't know, because, guess what, really you don't know, no matter WHAT the docs say. You have been informed how it "looks" now. Just take this a day at a time. My advice as a nurse is that it is the patient who decides.
he obviously wants to live !!!
It would be more helpful to talk about how great it would be to go camping again and to remember past camping times. Many people at the end of life talk about "going home" even if they are not consciously equating that to dying.
Yes, he may die soon, but maybe not today. Today he still has Today.
"Hey Dad, don't talk about fixing the car or going camping, because you're dying and it's not going to happen." Really. Would you want to be slapped in the face with that reality? Hope is eternal and if it gives your Dad some comfort in talking about future plans, go with it. No need to rain on his parade.
My Mom constantly asked to go home (to her house not her girlhood home) when she was in rehab for a broken leg. The trauma of surgery, anesthesia, movement to rehab (then longterm NH care), was too much for her to rationally comprehend what was happening to her. I believe she was having little TIA strokes while in the NH. I kept telling her when her broken leg healed, she could come home. I knew in my heart she would never recover from it and would be wheelchair bound until she died.
That said, she couldn't even weight bear on that leg for at least 8 weeks, so she sat in a wheelchair most days. Though we visited daily for HOURS on end, her mental capacity and reasoning (she had slight dementia before breaking her leg) skills suffered tremendously. Honestly, it was more stressful to deal with my brother's perception of our Mom's situation than with our Mom's.
So I just let her think that when she healed and got stronger, she could come home. Hope. Her 3 months in NH care was extremely stressful for me to get the care she deserved, so I did everything possibly to make her stay there pleasant. She ultimately had another stroke 2 months in and her final days were with me in her room 24/7 caring for and loving on her.
I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could for her to ease her mind and make her comfortable. Isn't that what we all want in the end?
Your task now is to support him in his reality, so when he talks about going home go along with it. Tell him you'd be glad if he'd look at your car. + Go with his flow and ask for his suggestions for a camping trip. We're all going to die, but until that day, let's support LIFE, not death.
is truth, then it's up to God. Show him love while you have him, no one knows the hour of our death. Let him have his dreams. And good thoughts sent to you and your family.
Let him speak his mind and don't judge what he says. Just accept it, strange as it might be to you.
Your truth may not necessarily match his truth at this time. Let him speak his mind and let it be.
It is normal that some people have end-of-life experiences that are unfathomable to family members or caretakers. Let him say what he wants and accept who he is during his inevitable transition. There are lessons in this experience that may surprise you. Good luck.
With your dad asking if he can look at your car, and bringing up the idea of camping, it sounds like he may have an idea that something is going on, and may be facing the reality of needing to live and appreciate what time he has left on this planet, and spend it with the people he loves. With him asking you if he can look at your car, he might also be looking to see how you respond, to gauge how serious his current condition is. So he might be in denial, but at the same time, it sounds like he is possibly seeking validation from your responses, instead of directly asking.
Thinking back, I can now see that my Dad was doing the same sort of thing, and I truly struggled with how to respond, just like you. I did NOT
want to say the words, "Dad, you're dying." What I ended up doing was responding to him by saying that I really would love to go camping, and yes, I would most definitely want you to check out my car, but before we can do any of that, we have to focus on YOU and your health right now. I told him the doctors were saying things weren't looking that great at the moment, but if he was able to show improvement, maybe we could start making some plans to do something adventurous. I also factually told him what his body was doing, according to what the doctors were telling me, but I didnt directly tell him he was dying. I would then tell him that if he feels like he can show improvement, we could work on some little goals and build from there, and hopefully we would be able to surprise those doctors, and that I am there for him if he wanted to talk about how he was feeling. I feel like that allowed him to have hope, and yet at the same time it helped him realize that it was a serious situation which needed attention. After some time, his thought process of mortality started to move through the different stages, and eventually he would start talking realistically about his future, and it helped when it came time later to talk about how the doctors were suggesting hospice care I always made sure he knew it was the doctors saying this, and not me.
He was unique though, because, he ended up actually doing that one goal of surprising the doctors. Initially, he wasn't supposed to make it through the night, and then they said maybe a couple of days, and then he got to the point of being discharged, but was told it would be weeks, possibly a few months. But a year later? He actually graduated from hospice! He continued on for another couple of years, but once he made another goal (his 79th birthday), he started to rapidly decline, and ended up back in hospice. This time, it was definitely different, and we both knew time was running out. He wasn't able to communicate well, but I tell ya what, he did end up reaching one more goal. The last time we spoke with full eye contact, I was telling him what day it was, and that in five days, it would be March 18th, which was another significant day for both of us (it would have been my first born's/ his first grandchild's, 30th birthday. She died from Leukemia when she was four). He held onto our eye contact for a few moments longer in acknowledgement, but that was the last time he was alert with me. Hospice said it would be hours, maybe a couple of days at that point.
Around 8am, on the 18th, I woke up to my phone ringing, and it was that final call I was dreading. He peacefully died at 7:55am, on March 18th, and I have no doubt my first born and my mom were there in spirit to welcome him, 'back home'. ❤️
Hang in there! 🙏
Now, there is my mother, who is 89 years old and has dementia. She talks constantly about what we are going to do next summer; going to the beach, going fishing, whatever. We will do none of these things because she can hardly walk to the car. We don't tell her we won't do any of these things, she is unable to grasp reality, EXCEPT, she talks often about how God has been so good to her and she can hardly wait until He makes us all young again. Her faith in God is the constant and the most important anyway.
My thought here is that only you can assess what is best, but I would like to encourage you to read some Bible verses to him to prompt his thoughts toward God. It might prompt him to talk about how he feels. God bless you, this end of life stuff is so hard, and we are often blindsided at the twists and turns.
I am not negating your situation and the time left. I would not tell that news if not asked. I just would take each day at a time.
People tell me that I cannot know how I will feel towards the end of my life but I absolutely know that I would not want to continue living if I could not walk. I would not want to not be able to use the toilet. I would not want to be constantly catheterized. I would not want my family to endlessly walk the halls of a nursing home and witness all that transpires there. I would not want them to be me.
I hope the end comes for your family in a peaceful manner and you will know that there is no point to endless suffering.