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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Sit down with your mother and tell her your concerns. She was young once, surely she can remember what it was like to want/need privacy. Make a plan and stick with it.
I will never be able to sit down and discuss privacy with my mom because everything stresses her out. So, I lock my bedroom doors when I am not at home. Plus I've learned to lock the door of any room where I don't want to be barged in on. Problem is she likes to "follow" me and it really gets on my nerves. She even makes it her mission to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times. This makes me have to lie about what I'm doing away from the house when I want to have privacy.
" in my home" Remember, it is your home not her's. Out of the goodness of your heart you invited her in to take care of her. However, if she can't be respectful of you in your house then maybe other arrangements needs to be made. Have you ever stood up to her before or does she treat you like a child that does not deserve any privacy or respect because your job is to keep 'mommy happy and if mommy is not happy then no one is happy.' Sorry about my tangential thinking, but I was just wondering out loud. I wish you well but you need to let her know it's your house, you are her adult daughter and not her little girl anymore.
Thing is, "we" bought the house we live in together. After my dad died 2 years ago, we sold mom's house and then my husband and I sold our home and we bought a big enough house for all of us so she wouldn't have to be alone and because she isn't mentally able to live alone. Mom is 80 years old and although she still drives to neighborhood WalMart, she can't balance a check book. She is going blind and she can't hear very well. I pay all the bills so she can use her social security check for her own personal expenses. Thing is she gets mean sometimes. Yes she treats me like a child and I often revert back to feelings I had as a kid growning up with a mean spirted mom. Ugh. I feel like I've made my bed and I have to live in it. Then I feel guilty. But privacy is something I have to make happen for myself and not something she will ever respect.
Tell us some more about your husband and how he as well as ya'll are doing. As a husband who felt for years that his wife was more married to her mother than to him, I can only imagine how he possibly feels and what that might be doing to your marriage. Sorry, but her social security check and any other money should be going to pay her bills not you. She's playing you like the emotional piano keys that she put inside of you as a little girl and that's why your falling for it. I'm not a therapist, but freedom from this sort of emotional F.O.G., fear, obligation and guilt comes with therapy and not by just reading a book on emotional blackmail or stop walking on eggshells or one of the really good book about boundaries, in particular on marriage and boundaries. When it comes to your own privacy, make it so!
I too moved my mother into my home, what a blessing I had for three years with her. It was not without much stress and frustration. You sound like you may have some caregiver fatigue. If you are not finding time to "carve" out space for you, and for your husband, you must do this. If it is taking a walk, going for coffee, you must take care of yourself first. Your stress level is very high and you will take your anger and frustration out on your mother, and then feel guilty later. Try to find things to occupy your mother’s time, such as DVD's of her favorite movies growing up or in her prime. My mother loved Law and Order, thank god for TNT and reruns. LOL You could end up losing your husband and other special people in your life if you do not take care of yourself. I ended up in hospital with sleep deprivation as well as caregiver fatigue. Does your mother like to read, play cards, and scrabble? Have her go through catalogs and dream of things she may want or locate great gift ideas for others. You have to be patient with your mother if her mental health is not "all" there. She may not know what she is doing, she may think she is at a young age and you are a child. Have you spoken to her physician? Does she have ALZ at all? Just a few clues and ideas from someone who has been there. Please consider taking care of yourself first!
Hubby is really a good man. Things don't bother him until I get riled up about something. Plus Hubby has built a massive man cave - so he is perfectly happy with more than a man could ever want. I have often thought my answers on how to cope with living with my mom should be counseling.
spasfamily, we haven't heard back from you, but I hope we will soon.
ramoore, I agree that therapy for you right now is a good idea to act upon. Your husband sounds like he has build himself the perfect escape from most of the drama in his "man cave' I have one of those too, but not very big, but it is my escape place as well. Best to you will all that is in your hands.
I never moved out of my family home. I had to lock the bathroom door, only to have break the lock when trying to get it open. She would listen in on phone calls, read some of my mail, follow me around the house and call around for me to find me. I have heard of other Alz mothers doing the same thing. I did tell her to NOT call around for me and I got myself a PO Box for my mail, only to add her to it as she was sending money when contest companies would tell her she would win thousands of dollars if she would send in ????. I told her to please not listen in on my calls, etc, but it did no good. I spent as much time as I could in my room upstairs. As she had trouble with stairs, she only came up a couple of times, but it is just one of those things. As time progressed, she did require caregivers so I was able to get away. I was not familar with codependency at the time, but I knew that things were not right, and I did a lot of reading.
I've pretty much given up on the idea of privacy, my mom also follows me around and the way our house is set up, she can sit in her favorite spot on the couch and stare at me in almost any room I'm in. It is rough, but I also realize that she is freightened (dementia) and that it might be reassuring for her to know that I'm there. I take my private time when she sleeps, although she is never down for very long at a time.
My Mom was the same way, following me around everywhere, and had to have me in sight at all times. I have the computer set up so she can see me from her chair in the living room. I think it is the dementia. If they don't see you, they don't know what they are supposed to be doing and get nervous. Now she will be just as happy with a caregiver as with me, as long as she is with someone. I've just had to accept it. But in retrospect, I could have been happier if I got a caregiver to give me a daily break whether she liked it or not. Good luck and hang in there.
LME - I also had to get a PO Box and re-route my mail to keep some sense of privacy. It wasn't that I have anything to hide but I hated that she opened my mail. Mom would love nothing more than for me to quit work and be her constant companion and caregiver. But As wrong as it may be to say it....I do not even like my mother. I think I love her because I have to, but I never like being around her - yet here I am living with this old woman. Her ailments seem to come and go with the kind of attention she can get. For example, if we want to get away and leave for a few days she will whine and carry on about being bored and alone and so pitiful. She loves pity parties!!!! She crepes around the house spying on us and goes in my room without asking and will tell me later how good that lotion smells that I have. So then I'm mad but I don't say anything because I am a coward. I will walk away before I will argue with her. And I think she plays these games to feel she has more power over me. I really hate living with her but we do not have a choice. She doesn't have the mental reasoning skills or common sense to live alone and no one else will put up with her. No one else wants anything to do with her in all honesty. Not my brothers, my kids, grandkids, no one likes her. She has exactly 2 "friends". One is her beauty operator and the other is her housekeeper. Hmmmm.....ya' think they don't listen to her week after week just for money - heck yes they do. Trust me, anyone would be blessed to have half of what she does. I never thought in a million years I would be responsible for her after my dad died. She doesn't DO anything - except play games on her phone and watch TV. She doesn't have to do laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, I mean nothing....but she can cuss like a sailor and then never miss a Sunday service.
Have a family friend who comes over every morning and night of everyday. We cannot get any privacy as a family. How do I get the point across to him that we need family time without him?
I have to go in my room and much the door. I have a bedroom big enough for a large chair and ottoman. It's my sanctuary. If course I can hear MOM calling out"" "Where is everybody?" All over the house. Sometimes I go out and tell her. I get up three hours before she gets up and I have that time alone. You just have a figure it out. We say "We're going to bed between 7&8 so we have some time alone, too. It's hard. MOM has no boundaries so I have to draw them.
Luckily for us my parents go to bed early, and only blare the TV until about 9 pm ( I get up at 4 for work!) However, I was used to my hour in the morning by myself and now I often find Mom here reading (she dosent sleep well) She is no bother, but sometimes it still bugs me... And sometimes Dad goes into our room and rearrainges things, eats candy ect..lol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Just a few clues and ideas from someone who has been there. Please consider taking care of yourself first!
Blessings, Bridget Wetterer
ramoore, I agree that therapy for you right now is a good idea to act upon. Your husband sounds like he has build himself the perfect escape from most of the drama in his "man cave' I have one of those too, but not very big, but it is my escape place as well. Best to you will all that is in your hands.
I take my private time when she sleeps, although she is never down for very long at a time.
Now she will be just as happy with a caregiver as with me, as long as she is with someone. I've just had to accept it. But in retrospect, I could have been happier if I got a caregiver to give me a daily break whether she liked it or not. Good luck and hang in there.