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Finally after 6 months we got my dad close to all of us in a fantastic nursing home, smaller in size and he has never looked better.
I got an alarming call today explaining now they will be moving him to a private room on another floor as he has been inseparable with another FEMALE patient ...kissing, holding hands ect. When it was brought to their attention or his, he slammed his door ect.
While I am beyond heartbroken for him I do understand because of cognitive issues this may not be appropriate!!!
Has anyone ever dealt with this...??? I’m so sad for him and embarrassed as he really doesn’t understand being separated ect. I’m also worried, what if they can’t keep him?
Any advice or thoughts I’d love to hear. I was so happy visits were beginning next weeek here in Vermont, dining room, entertainment ect..he is every workers favorite ...thanks everyone ...just when I had hoped things were going good for once for him..now what?

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This is pretty common. My mom and dad were in assisted living, mom died and we moved dad to the memory care unit in the same facility. He immediately glommed onto a lady who looked a little like my mom, would introduce her as L, my wife, they’d hold hands and sit together at mealtime. They both had fairly advanced dementia. The staff was used to this and kept an eye on things. Once or twice dad tried to crawl into bed with her but staff was there to deal with it and divert him.

I was worried the lady’s family might demand some action be taken but they never did. I don’t even know if she had any family active in her care.

I don’t think this is anything to freak out about but it seems that the administration in your case is acting a little harshly. Have a talk. See what’s really going on. It could be a situation that’s harder to handle for the staff than what I went through with my dad.
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My uncle, a devoted husband and devout Catholic developed a lovely relationship with a lady at his memory care shortly after he was moved there. My aunt died of a massive heart attack a few weeks after moving him in (he was a wanderer; she claimed that no one could care for him the way she could). I would let this be.
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There was a movie a few years ago starring Julie Christie on this very subject. I can't recall the title. She was nominated for an Oscar for her portrayal in it. Maybe you could see it and see a different perspective than how the NH is describing it to you. I think many NH places want issues to fit into their plan that makes their lives easier. We all know how much more difficult and isolating Covid had made lives for our relationships with family in facilities.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
'Away From Her' was the name of that Julie Christie movie.
Life in a nursing home is usually very lonely and very boring for the people living it. If two residents get together and can alleviate each other's boredom and loneliness then great. It's cruel that the nursing home staff took that away from them.
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I don't see wherein lies the problem of him being in a romantic relationship with another resident if they are both happy.
Your dad is in a nursing home. Granted, you say it's a nice place and everything but it's still a nursing home. What's so wrong with them being in a romantic relationship if it brings them comfort and happiness? Even if he has cognitive decline and his girlfriend does too, if they are happy right now in each other's company then they should be left alone. It's not like an unplanned pregnancy will happen. Or even sex for that matter.
If a problem should arise in the future with him and his girlfriend like one doesn't remember the other or something, then that would be the time to separate them. Not now. For now they should just let them be happy together. It's cruel that the nursing home staff took that away from them.
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It must be very upsetting, especially if your dad is still married to your mom. Please just take a deep breath and don't panic. Your dad may think he's with his wife. Or that he's back in high school with his first love. (My hubby has started calling me by the name of a girlfriend he had in high school 65 years ago). In a week or two or a month or two, he may not recognize his new lady friend. It doesn't mean he doesnt love your mom, his brain is broken. This horrible isolation that we've all had to endure probably exacerbated the situation. She was and is a familiar face. Once you are allowed in person visits, it may all blow over. Sending you a big hug.
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Maybe the girlfriend's family has a problem with this?

Myself, I think it is wonderful that he is able to develop this relationship. Some, do not feel that way.
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Sarah3 Mar 2021
But so what if her family doesn’t like it? I know many have raised that as a possibility but even if they don’t like it— so what? Both of them are adults so as long as it’s consensual the family doesn’t have to like or agree w it, these sort of adult children disgust me— have to control everything and treat their parents like children
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Former Supreme Court Judge Sandra Day O”Connor wrote about her husband with Alzheimer’s who met a lady in his memory care and fell in love. Her family also knew about them. She said at first she was hurt, but then realized they were happy and no longer knew their spouses and family. She said she and the other family visited regularly with both of them until they passed away.
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My husband of 31 yrs (second marriage for both of us) recently moved to a small, residential care home. He knows me, sort of. He has no memory of a darn thing we’ve done together all those years. He’s having a hard time adjusting to the change - mostly because he doesn’t see his problem. If he found love at his new home, I’d be relieved that it made him happy there. He’s had dementia for years. The guy I married is long gone. I love this guy and will always take care of him, but he’s now child-like. Nothing would make me happier than for him to find mental peace and relief from his anxiety over his many delusions. I don’t care how that comes about.
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Riverdale Mar 2021
I am sorry this has happened to your union but I applaud you for your honest and forgiving attitude to the situation. It seems as you are able to continue with a life for yourself that is not mired with negativity.

I didn't have the relationship with my mother that I might have preferred but I find I am able to visit her in the NH environment she is now in and try my best to meet any needs she has which are very limited as she is only mobile in a wheelchair. We both share a love of books. I am able to bring her ones that I myself have enjoyed reading and she has also. I am sad after each visit to a degree as she would love to even be able to stand. That doesn't seem likely but a message such as yours helps me to try to focus on the positive.
(5)
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It sounds like they are trying to accomodate him by moving him. Speak to his case manager about it so that you understand better what is happening and how they deal with it at his facility. I've found that if you can work with the staff, you'll learn a lot and it will also make things easier for them. This also happened to a lesser degree (no kissing) with my mother and a man in her facility (and he is married to a woman who lives in the independent section of the facility - she visits him every day!) They became what I call "buddies." The problem solved itself when he moved to skilled nursing. The movie "Still Alice" has scenes about this. Don't be embarrassed for him. It's not unusual. The staff should know how to handle it.
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Our Papa was in an AL for almost 9 years and about halfway a new female resident moved in. She was from a small town near where Papa was raised and they fell in love after deciding they probably knew each other as teenagers (our Mama had dies as had her hubs). Never got past holding hands and doing everything together. We just added Stella to our family and would sometimes take her with us when we took Papa out. Her family moved her to a different facility about an hour away so once a month I'd drive us up there to have lunch with her and visit. It was a beautiful thing for both of them (both were in their upper 80's) and we were just happy Papa was so happy. Let them have such an unexpected and sweet blessing. Talk to the facility to find out what their issue with it is. Best wishes! 💖✌😎
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Was there some behavior or a complaint from the woman’s family that made moving him necessary? If it was only affection and wanting to be together I don’t see why the nursing home reacted so harshly. This happened in the NH my mom was in, the staff just kept an eye out for anything problematic but didn’t disrupt their happiness
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I Don't see any harm at all, in two consenting lonely Seniors having a Relationship.
They're not dead!
They should be able to live out the rest of their lives doing whatever they want as long as it's not hurting either one of them.
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I am wondering how the lady friend reacts to his affection. It would not be appropriate to assume that she enjoys the attention. She may be a passive recipient, too confused to resist and socially pressured into accepting his attention(?). "Because the staff thinks it's cute", or because "he just needs the attention", it is not a reason for her to be the comfort object.

I am not saying that my thoughts are valid in this situation, but I believe the facility made the appropriate adjustment.
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I would find out why they are moving him.

Does her family have an issue with the relationship? Does she?

I think that it is cruel to say that they can't have comfort in each other. It's not like she is going to end up pregnant, if things could even progress to that point.

Don't be horrified, be thankful that your dad has found someone that touches his heart and makes him feel better.

My grandmother did the same thing and it didn't last very long but, it gave her comfort that none of us could.
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My mom, who has mid stage dementia, has had 2 boyfriends in the last year. The relationship moved way past kissing! The first got moved to a nursing home due to a fall. She found the next one a few months later. Same story. She refers to them as her husband. My dad has been gone for 11 years. It was a little unsettling to us at first, especially the nature of the relationship, but it keeps her happy and occupied, especially because we aren't open for visiting yet. The staff seems to get him back to his room in the evening. I don't think it's unusual. A friend to mine years ago, had his mother with multiple boyfriends and his dad was still alive so it was upsetting, but we have to remember they aren't who they use to be because if this horrible disease.
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I think the facility should have let you know BEFORE moving him. The question is Why separate them if they're not being inappropriate? That said, perhaps there are activities they can meet together at - try to suggest this. Or perhaps they can write or FaceTime one another until slowly the relationship fades. Last, I hope he finds another friend to peak his interest. I just don't understand why two people in a NH who "fall in love" cant be allowed to do so as long as they both are happy and not doing anything inappropriate .
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I think the best advice was to establish a good relationship with the staff. If you understand or can affect their decisions, everyone will be better off. I personally wouldn't even be upset about them crawling in bed together, except some one might fall out.
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Why is it inappropriate, for God’s sake!!!! So what? Who is being harmed, other than the two lovebirds...
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cangeli Mar 2021
I totally agree!!! Let them enjoy their lives in that place.
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I’m preparing for my 78 year old husband with dementia to move to a facility...and actually HOPING that he finds a girlfriend! No one should live as isolated as he’s been living these past few years. If your/his finances are protected, where’s the harm? I’d welcome a woman in my husband’s life as a distraction from yelling at me. It could be so much worse! They could be teenagers. Dad could be attracted to another man. Count your blessings and say your prayers! People need each other. It’s how we were made.
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Most of the answers here are empathic to the condition of your loved one. Loneliness can become so debilitating. With Covid-19 in play, its another obstacle that prevents interaction.
People with AL deserve some normalcy and companionship. Let them be, to spend the rest of their lives being happy and improving their health with one another. It is senseless and detrimental, even in normal times to prevent someone from feeling loved and wanted!

Your Dad can still visit his friend and feel comfort that he needs.

Talk to the staff to find out the reason he is being moved. If possible as for a meeting with the those involved in the decision, including the other family member(s) of his companion, to understand the issues involved.
If it is the other family requesting this move, sit down and discuss the situation and be receptive to their feeling.

I wish wholeheartedly that the situation you have described goes in your favor. It only makes matters worse, for your Dad and his physical and mental health.

Lastly, if there is not resolution, think seriously about moving him to another facility.
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Most of the answers here are empathic to the condition of your loved one. Loneliness can become so debilitating. With Covid-19 in play, its another obstacle that prevents interaction.
People with AL deserve some normalcy and companionship. Let them be, to spend the rest of their lives being happy and improving their health with one another. It is senseless and detrimental, even in normal times to prevent someone from feeling loved and wanted!

Your Dad can still visit his friend and feel comfort that he needs.

Talk to the staff to find out the reason he is being moved. If possible as for a meeting with the those involved in the decision, including the other family member(s) of his companion, to understand the issues involved.
If it is the other family requesting this move, sit down and discuss the situation and be receptive to their feeling.

I wish wholeheartedly that the situation you have described goes in your favor. It only makes matters worse, for your Dad and his physical and mental health.

Lastly, if there is not resolution, think seriously about moving him to another facility.
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Ioanna Mar 2021
This is the perfect response! I'm really impressed.
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Why is the facility having to move your father away from his female friend? Is your father a problem for HER or your father and this lady behaving inappropriately? Why can't he have a girlfriend?

You did not say if your mother is alive and distressed by this development. If not, I don't understand why this is a problem? Is this just a problem because of COVID restrictions or are facility residents expected to remain locked up alone in their rooms?
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If they are moving him because of the relationship that is sad.
EVERYONE needs someone that will provide a hand to hold. support, comfort and an island in a vast sea of uncertainty.
If his advances are not wanted then I understand the move.
If her family does not want this relationship to continue I understand the move.
If he has declined to the point that keeping him on that particular floor is no longer safe I understand the move.
IF the facility does not approve and is separating them that I do not understand.
If they go through with this move do expect him to decline a bit.
A move is always unsettling and to be separated from someone that he has grown attached to can be upsetting.
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The only problem I can think of is that sexuality is being involved and the woman complained or someone saw inappropriate behavior. I hear this happens a lot with elderly men. You need to get to the bottom of this and then make your decisions on the next step.
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Grandma1954 Mar 2021
why do you say elderly men? I am sure women are just as prone to expressing themselves. ("we" just have the "dirty old man" stereotype in our minds because that is what the jokes are all about, no one wants to hear about "dirty old women")
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Seems they facility is already taking care of the problem. Usually, special friendships are not a problem unless the displays of affection get extreme or family of one of the parties complains. I hope he makes a lot of friends on his new floor.
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I am in a similar, but less innocent sounding situation. A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from my father's ALF claiming he had been caught alone in his room with a female resident who was transitioning to memory care. After the cringe-worthy scene the director described in infinite detail to me, she notified me that unless that stopped immediately, that she would be beginning the discharge process. She then said that woman was being moved to the memory care floor so that they could not see one another any more. I find myself completely grossed out at what the ALF director described. I also find myself feeling sad for these people who have been literally locked down without any outside world stimulation for over a year. Are people in assisted living not allowed to be affectionate? Is asexuality really the expectation? What was the problem for your dad to have that kiss with someone? I asked the director if they are allowed to have relationships there and she said only between two people who can give consent. I asked her then, who do they have to ask if they want to go have sex and the director was stone cold 'well NObody here should be having sex'. That seems kind of unrealistic to me. We've shut them off from the world for their protection and when they seek affection from someone in their community, they are persecuted for it.
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My thinking is that providing both your dad and the lady are ok with sharing affection, then there is no problem. Note that i said MY thinking.
After all these comments in answer to your questions, it is YOUR thinking that matters.
Best wishes, Old Bob
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Perhaps it would be best to find out why the decision to move him. I would try to find out before they actually move him. Moving, even just upstairs, is confusing to those with dementia, and sometimes results in regression. If they've already moved him, are you getting updates about him? Daily would be nice. At least weekly. You need to know if he has regressed or if he is depressed at being taken from his Juliet.

If her family objected to the amorous couple, esp if she has a living husband, okay.
If there was potential hanky-panky, maybe okay, esp if they can't be discrete about it, BUT they should accommodate their need to be together, at least during the day, under supervision.

If they are just inseparable, holding hands and kissing, and there are no objections from her or her family, WTF?

Can you check with admin/staff and find out the reasons why they felt these two had to be separated? As noted by others here, some even the spouse, this seems common enough and so long as the relationship is mutual and there are no family objections, why not let them have their moment in the sun?

I would rather see them happy together than miserable apart. So many have LOs with dementia who are combative, nasty, difficult to work with, etc, this little "story" is almost like a breath of fresh air! Really kind of sweet...
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Sarah3 Mar 2021
Bc there’s a mentality among so many to treat seniors like children
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Imho, that is truly sad that they put him in a private room on another floor, assuming that this was just a caring relationship. Prayers sent.
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Charlene you say it was an alarming call. Why?
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