She thinks the funeral is the next day. She is in memory care and has dementia. She can't let go of this. She asks who is coming and when is the service. It's very hard not to talk about the funeral. I also try not to give her a date but she keeps pushing. I want to explain that her mom died many years ago. But I have been urged not to.
I know, for sure, that if I get dementia (like my mum and my nan before her) I will be looking for and longing for my mum. I hope that my daughter or carers comfort me with little white lies that ease my aching heart.
When Mum called out for her mum in her final week, I told her that nan was there, and I sang the song that nan had sung. It soothed her agitation before the morphine took effect.
Not all in the same visit, of course.
Personally, I would go along with my loved one's fantasy, but this one seems to be making your mum anxious.
So, you could try AlvaDeer's suggestion of telling her the truth and tell your mum about the real funeral that happened. Tell her about the hymns you sang, who attended, who spoke. About how beautiful the service was and how lovely the flowers were. Speak in terms of how beautiful it all was and how your mum did her mum proud.
Perhaps try the truth first, then try the other suggestion if it doesn't work.
One thing I wouldn't do is say, "don't you remember" if not remembering is causing your mum anxiety, as I noticed it did with my mum. Instead, tell your mum like it's a story of the day - paint a picture, one that's lovely and honours the love she feels for her mum.
She may want to indulge in nostalgia and express her memories of her mom.
Even if she thinks it was just yesterday.
Speak to your mother's doctor for medication.
My Aunt Sue with dementia (83) flew in from out-of-state, with her son, to see her beloved brother. (Because uncle did not have a spouse nor children, we needed Aunt Sue to help with formal documents as his only next of kin.) When he hadn’t appeared in his house, she asked, “Where’s Ben?” Her son gently reminded her that uncle had passed away. Aunt Sue immediately froze quiet, surprised at the news, & then embarrassed that she didn’t know while the rest of us continued with business. We paused for any dramatic reaction, but luckily none, so we resumed with our tasks. Uncle’s sweet dog Shane thankfully distracted her from the discovery; Shane was our best senior-sitter!
Aunt Sue asked the next day, & the next, the same thing, but only once a day. On the 4th day, I thought to try a different approach & calmly answered her, “Aunt Sue, Uncle Ben moved to Heaven. (They were Catholic.) Uncle is happy at his new home. You know him, he likes to quietly slip away, no grand exits. (True) He loves you & wants you to live well. And we’ll take good care of Shane.” She nodded with a smile, and miraculously never brought up that question for the rest of her visit. Her son & his family, back home with her, kept Aunt Sue busy & safe until her last breath. We can only imagine hers & uncle’s happy reunion…💕
p.s. Shane too lived happy & safe until his last breath. Imagine his reunion with Uncle Ben & Aunt Sue… incredibly joyous!! Maw2024, we wish you the same joyous journey for you and your mom.
Talk about her. You would be surprised with the memories. You can’t argue with someone with dementia because to them it’s all real. I have a motto I always use as a professional caregiver. They are always right and you are always wrong
My prayers are with you
of speak to her doctor first tho
Best of luck to you.
This is more about your adjusting to what is happening. Me, I would just say "Soon" I will let you know when it is time for the funeral and move on.
So sorry about this you will need a lot of patience to deal with this disease.
Sometimes I've asked my mom with dementia how old she is when she asks about her mom. She'll say 82. Sometimes she gets it that her mom couldn't possibly be alive since she died when she was in her early 70s.
Good luck.
What do you suppose is accomplished by not telling her the truth?
How is this protective?
I spent my entire life as an RN. Telling your mother the truth that she is now 97 years ago and her dear mom passed many years ago may cause her to mourn and re-mourn, which is nothing so bad as worrying and re-worrying.
There is no good answer to this kind of dementia and obsessional fretting about a loss. This is a time of great imperfection in having any answers. Do what seems to work best. WhatEVER you do, if it doesn't work try something else. The only good thing here is that she won't remember HOW many things you tried.
I am so sorry. What a sad state we come to at last with all of these horrific losses.
Like acknowledge her mom died, there was a funeral she attended and it was lovely and so many people talked about their warm memories of her mom.