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She thinks the funeral is the next day. She is in memory care and has dementia. She can't let go of this. She asks who is coming and when is the service. It's very hard not to talk about the funeral. I also try not to give her a date but she keeps pushing. I want to explain that her mom died many years ago. But I have been urged not to.

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Can you deflect by talking about her mom, and reminiscing about her childhood and beyond? This might also be a good opportunity to talk about her thoughts on death and dying, if you feel up to it. Other than that it may help if you time your visits for when there are activities planned - even if it's just meal times - and then go with her, so she will have something else to focus on.
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Reply to cwillie
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Can you tell her that the funeral had a beautiful service, your mom held up great, there were so many flowers and the music was soothing?

Like acknowledge her mom died, there was a funeral she attended and it was lovely and so many people talked about their warm memories of her mom.
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Reply to anonymous1784938
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Who urged you not to tell her the truth?
What do you suppose is accomplished by not telling her the truth?
How is this protective?

I spent my entire life as an RN. Telling your mother the truth that she is now 97 years ago and her dear mom passed many years ago may cause her to mourn and re-mourn, which is nothing so bad as worrying and re-worrying.

There is no good answer to this kind of dementia and obsessional fretting about a loss. This is a time of great imperfection in having any answers. Do what seems to work best. WhatEVER you do, if it doesn't work try something else. The only good thing here is that she won't remember HOW many things you tried.

I am so sorry. What a sad state we come to at last with all of these horrific losses.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I don’t see the harm in trying a different tactic. You’ve tried deflecting and she’s not accepting it. Perhaps she’ll be sad and mourn, but she’s already in turmoil. I say it’s time to experiment and see if something else might help. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You're not going to convince her of much at this stage. So, just go with the flow and give vague answers. I'd say I'm not sure when the service is going to be but you'll find out and let her know. I'd say I'm not sure who's coming. Who do you think? Maybe Joe? Yeah, probably.

Sometimes I've asked my mom with dementia how old she is when she asks about her mom. She'll say 82. Sometimes she gets it that her mom couldn't possibly be alive since she died when she was in her early 70s.

Good luck.
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Reply to againx100
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If you feel the need to tell her, then do so, she will forget the response anyway and ask about the funeral again, until she reaches the point that this thought has been lost as well.

This is more about your adjusting to what is happening. Me, I would just say "Soon" I will let you know when it is time for the funeral and move on.

So sorry about this you will need a lot of patience to deal with this disease.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Once my mom was sure the relatives (all dead) were coming from Iowa to visit. She wanted the windows covered and the house quiet and for me to not answer the door when they arrived. She remembered her relatives being loud and obnoxious. I tried telling her they were dead. I tried telling her they weren't coming. This went on for days, then one day I came home from work and found her sitting in the living room all dressed up with windows open, light poring into a house all neat and tidy, with the home care lady baking a cake for for the relatives, as they would be arriving soon. She had decided to let them in. She eventually forgot about it. Later on in memory care, the only thing that worked with my mom when she would become fixed on something that she thought she had to do was to tell her I'd do it for her. "Don't worry, Mom, they aren't going to let you leave right now, so I'll take care of it". Luckily, she'd always accept that. Sorry this is going on for you, Maw, but she will eventually forget it and move on to another imagined worry.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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Mom already knows her mother died. It's not like you're breaking the bad news to her by telling her the truth......that it was long long ago her mother died, not recently. She may actually relax a bit after hearing that. If not, ask her doctor for some Ativan. My mother was obsessed with her dead relatives when she was 95 with advanced dementia, insisting I was hiding them in the closets at her Memory Care ALF. Ativan worked pretty well in calming her down. She still repeatedly asked about them, but wasn't as agitated as to their whereabouts. Dreadful thing dementia.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Speak to doctor first but maybe a picture of her mother’s grave in. Nice frame and you say when she brings it let’s say a prayer fur mum or dedicate a song for a few minutes silence
of speak to her doctor first tho
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Reply to Jenny10
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Go into her world. Go along in what she ask. If she talks about the funeral go along as if you were making the plans
Talk about her. You would be surprised with the memories. You can’t argue with someone with dementia because to them it’s all real. I have a motto I always use as a professional caregiver. They are always right and you are always wrong
My prayers are with you
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Reply to Sheila74
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Aw yeah, I remember these moments….. so what I’m about to say, this may not be for you but wanted to share a nice story of hope. (Cue kleenex.)

My Aunt Sue with dementia (83) flew in from out-of-state, with her son, to see her beloved brother. (Because uncle did not have a spouse nor children, we needed Aunt Sue to help with formal documents as his only next of kin.) When he hadn’t appeared in his house, she asked, “Where’s Ben?” Her son gently reminded her that uncle had passed away. Aunt Sue immediately froze quiet, surprised at the news, & then embarrassed that she didn’t know while the rest of us continued with business. We paused for any dramatic reaction, but luckily none, so we resumed with our tasks. Uncle’s sweet dog Shane thankfully distracted her from the discovery; Shane was our best senior-sitter!

Aunt Sue asked the next day, & the next, the same thing, but only once a day. On the 4th day, I thought to try a different approach & calmly answered her, “Aunt Sue, Uncle Ben moved to Heaven. (They were Catholic.) Uncle is happy at his new home. You know him, he likes to quietly slip away, no grand exits. (True) He loves you & wants you to live well. And we’ll take good care of Shane.” She nodded with a smile, and miraculously never brought up that question for the rest of her visit. Her son & his family, back home with her, kept Aunt Sue busy & safe until her last breath. We can only imagine hers & uncle’s happy reunion…💕

p.s. Shane too lived happy & safe until his last breath. Imagine his reunion with Uncle Ben & Aunt Sue… incredibly joyous!! Maw2024, we wish you the same joyous journey for you and your mom.
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Reply to CaringBee
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It's always wise to go along with them,humor them. It might be getting old for you but it's in their head. I like the idea of a picture, maybe of the two of them, in her room. Now, I might be going out on a limb here but....find a way to put a halo on her sisters head and ask mom "what's that?" She's an angel mom,she's in heaven. The more she sees it, it will likely sink in. Don't forget to tell her how happy sister is, no pain (any physical ailments she had). Crazy, I know, but we're getting pretty good at crazy,aren't we?
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Reply to JuliaH
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Maw2024: When my mother pointed to empty chairs at social functions, I didn't quite grasp it so I asked why she was pointing. Her response = "L used to sit there," almost like an obsession with the departed.

Speak to your mother's doctor for medication.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Share photos of the past with your mom. Any funeral pictures may help, but dementia is a broken brain condition. Check with her doctor.
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Reply to Patathome01
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The best thing would be to talk to her as if the funeral is going to be soon. If she's in Memory Care and has dementia, she will not retain what you discussed with her in any case. Each time she brings it up, go with the flow. It'll help keep her calm and maybe talk of something else before she goes back to the funeral. Right now my mother is fixated on PT and OT. She has a fit if they haven't come to get her. I have put on her calendar that she doesn't have therapy on Saturdays and Sundays. I have put those two days in a different color. Her favorite is blue so they are in blue. That usually calms her down enough to go back to sleep.
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Reply to uarew6
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Doubt it would do any good to tell her that her mom has been gone a long time. She believes it as more recent, which tells you about where her memory is at this time. The brain is broken at this point and even if you told her the truth, her brain is sitting at a period of time a long time ago. Since she thinks funeral is 'tomorrow', then let that stand. Every day and every time you see her, just say it's tomorrow and you aren't sure who is coming yet. Then drop a new subject.
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Reply to my2cents
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We had an uncle in that condition, so every time he asked when the event would be, his caregivers would say, "That's next Tuesday. We'll be sure to help you with that." He'd say, "Oh. Okay." Problem solved for the moment.
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Reply to SusanM56
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She seems very concerned about this funeral. Explaining her mom died years ago could just confuse her more. Instead, when she asks about the funeral, you can let her know, "We already had the funeral". Talk about who was there.
She may want to indulge in nostalgia and express her memories of her mom.
Even if she thinks it was just yesterday.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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MiaMoor Nov 2, 2024
I just wrote something similar in far more words (as per usual!). I should have read your reply first.
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If it were me, I would say that everything is being organised. Perhaps go through pictures and ask which ones would be nice to put up for everyone to see. Discuss the music - what were her favourite hymns etc. Even talk about her favourite flowers and look at pictures of wreaths online.
Not all in the same visit, of course.

Personally, I would go along with my loved one's fantasy, but this one seems to be making your mum anxious.

So, you could try AlvaDeer's suggestion of telling her the truth and tell your mum about the real funeral that happened. Tell her about the hymns you sang, who attended, who spoke. About how beautiful the service was and how lovely the flowers were. Speak in terms of how beautiful it all was and how your mum did her mum proud.

Perhaps try the truth first, then try the other suggestion if it doesn't work.

One thing I wouldn't do is say, "don't you remember" if not remembering is causing your mum anxiety, as I noticed it did with my mum. Instead, tell your mum like it's a story of the day - paint a picture, one that's lovely and honours the love she feels for her mum.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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swmckeown76 Dec 12, 2024
If by chance, you had the funeral livestreamed, there's a chance you might be able to show it to her on a laptop or tablet. My church makes livetreaming of Requiem Eucharists available on its YouTube channel. and records them. They request, but don't require, a donation to the Tech Services ministry for this purpose because the people who come in to do the livestreaming and recording are usually coming in at a different time than the normal Eucharists on Saturday night and Sunday morning. People could watch it live or later with a private link I gave them. My late husband and I lived over 400 miles from where we grew up. Some of the people who attended high school and college with him watched it live and others watched the recording. We also had friends who were ill or couldn't be there for other reasons and they also appreciated this.
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I had a recurring dream when I was very young: running after my mum who was either in a taxi (a big black cab) or on a bus and I could see her through the back window as I tried to reach her. The fear and heartbreak were so strong, I can feel them now over 50 years later.

I know, for sure, that if I get dementia (like my mum and my nan before her) I will be looking for and longing for my mum. I hope that my daughter or carers comfort me with little white lies that ease my aching heart.

When Mum called out for her mum in her final week, I told her that nan was there, and I sang the song that nan had sung. It soothed her agitation before the morphine took effect.
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