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My elderly mom has agreed to give up her car keys and has agreed she should not be driving anymore. I know this is the best decision and news for our family, but I'm sad for her. I know this is a big deal for her, she has been independent my whole life being a single mother of 4 kids. We have made arrangements for her driving needs but how can I make her feel better about this? She hardly leaves her apartment and never wants to do anything but stay home. She does nothing to keep her mind active and any suggestions from her family to be active is put down. I'm afraid that giving up driving will only create health issues sooner rather then later.

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This is a big life change for anyone. Maybe she needed to give up driving because of her decline and not that she is having decline because she is no longer driving? It's a challenge if she has to wait for rides to be scheduled. Is she able to do it on her own? My 90 yr old neighbor has her son order Uber whenever she wants to go someplace. Of course, she is very sharp still so this isn't for everyone. When my 2 elderly aunts in FL gave up driving I made an agreement with their retired neighbors to take them to medical appointments. In return I thank them with gift cards to restaurants so they can all go out to eat afterwards. They also have a Visiting Angels companion who is allowed to drive them anywhere, plus they really enjoy her company. People from church come to get them, relatives and friends help out when they can... now they don't even miss driving because they get to socialize. Give your mom some more time to adjust. She may have actual depression, so don't let it go on for too long before discussing with her doctor. It's an adjustment for everyone but she should eventually settle into the new normal.
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Alicew234 Mar 2020
Your neighbor's family could look into GoGoGrandparent for their mom. My mom uses it. You do not need a smart phone. You just dial a phone number and then you press 6 to speak with a "grandchild" who will order you a car.

There is a slight up charge from ordering the Uber or Lyft yourself but my mom can't figure out a smart phone (and has 'zombie fingers'), so this works for her.

As far as adjusting to the loss of driving, I think getting old seems to be a continuous series of losses. I hope Whynergal's mom adjusts soon.
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First of all, she will be safe. She is protecting others as well. I would be very proud of her if I were you. Tell her how happy you are about her decision.

My mom has Parkinson’s and had seizures and had to give up driving. She was wonderful about it. She was told by her doctor that she couldn’t drive any longer. She did not complain at all. She accepted it with grace and I told her that I was very pleased that she did not argue about driving.

Tell your mom that she made a sensible decision and that you admire that she isn’t selfish by wanting to continue driving. Maybe you have already told her. If you have, fantastic! If not, I am sure it would make her feel good to be appreciated and to know that you support her.

It’s unnerving at any age not to be able to drive. I was on bedrest during my pregnancy and I had friends and neighbors offer to do grocery shopping and bring my oldest child to dance lessons, gymnastics and so on. We manage in these situations. Also years ago, I had a horrible bicycle accident. My orthopedic surgeon would not allow me to drive while I was healing. It took awhile before he gave his permission to drive. I wasn’t happy about it. I was a bit frustrated but eventually I accepted it.

I was in my 40’s at the time. I am fortunate to have good friends that chipped in to help. They brought my daughter to preschool and periodically ran errands for me. The older daughter took the bus to school.

Allow your mom some time to adjust. Ask her if she has considered taking the transportation from her facility to outings that are scheduled. Does her living facility plan activities outside of their residence? Look at schedules of activities and discuss them with her.

What about taxis? Would she take a taxi periodically to an outing?

Best wishes to you and your mom.
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anonymous912123 Mar 2020
It is interesting, my step father who was a truck driver for 50 years, just decided it was time to turn his keys in, we went to the DMV, turned his and his wife licenses in, it was very smooth and he never mentioned it again.

My mother still has her license, but there is no more driving after her stroke, we sold her car, she does comment on not driving, but it is not a major issue.

Now, on the other side of the coin, my father fought it, my cousin fought it and they were both terrible drivers even when they were younger.

Taxi's, Ubers and the shuttle from the county and the homes are now my step father's and my mothers wheels!
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Your mother can always take a taxi, Uber, lyft or a bus. My mother takes call a bus which is part of the centro bus. She only has to pay 3.00 for a ride each way. She uses it for doctors appointments and the grocery store and she is 95 1/2 years old.
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Was her unwillingness to go out and the other behaviors you describe present before she stopped driving or did it all start then? She may be depressed about that and the other losses associated with aging or she may be hiding cognitive decline that caused her to stop driving. A visit with a geriatric specialist might be a good idea. And of course you are trying to get her out more.
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Well you better get in there and save her from herself...honestly; leave her alone. Why are you creating problems? Do you want to put her in a nursing home next? Honestly... It sounds like it's you who has the concern. Work it out...sometimes we just like sitting at home after a lifetime of raising kids.
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I was lucky that my dad gave up driving as it was a condition I made for him to move here. I praised him for his wisdom. I told him without a car it was like living in New York City where most people don’t drive. I was his new Taxi. I agree with an earlier poster about GoGo Grandparent. You can’t make your mom feel any particular way, that’s in her court. But you can find ways to arrange outings. Does the church she goes to have a van service? Does she still have friends who drive?
I just read in your profile where she is in independent living. So they should have on site transportation right? They should also have a social worker on staff. Contact her/him to go visit with your mom to see what she thinks.
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That is awesome that she willingly gave up driving. I would make every attempt to get her out and about if she wants. If you're swamped maybe secure a volunteer driver or educate her about uber and left. The important thing to stress is maintaining her independence in other area of her life.
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How fortunate you are--and how wise she is--that your mother did this freely! I would take her for short rides every week to places she might not have gone on her own, so she can see that this change has some added perks. (Her old neighborhoods, family cemetery plots, gardens). Take her or hire someone to take her to do her errands (grocery-shopping, etc.). Maybe friends could get her to church or meetings she still attends. If some of the people who will help her now are people your mom once helped in this way, they could reinforce how grateful they are for what she did. Figure out all that she is now saving on car insurance, maintenance, gas, parking, and give her an idea of what she might now spend on other luxuries. Take her places to spend it--like a nice dinner out together every month. I'm hoping that all her children will be involved with this. Hook her up with the local aging transit service (they aren't always great but they might help), volunteer drivers from churches, uber. She might not ever want to be a gadabout but if she's invited to go places by her children, I can't imagine that at least on occasion she will do this. Several calls a week to see what errands she needs will help her and hopefully at least sometimes she will want to go along, especially if it involved a visit to her favorite snack venue.
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Giving up the car is a big change for people. But when they agree to it, they are also recognizing their own declining abilities. They are being realistic. As long as she has people to drive her where she needs to go, this gives her some mobility. Is she capable of calling for a taxi or car service if she wants to go somewhere on her own? Some neighborhoods have shuttle buses that take seniors to activities. You might want to speak with a social worker about this and other resources that are available. But you can't force people to be involved. My 96 year old mother who used to be an active involved person is now happy sitting on the patio for hours, she has slowed down in every way.
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Is there an Adult Day Care in your area? She would get stimulation and something to do for a few days a week.
Is there an active Senior Center she could go to? I know the one close to me is always filled with people doing all sorts of things.
You do not indicate that she has dementia so this suggestion...
Are there places she can volunteer?
Animal Shelter
Local school
Library
Food Pantry
Hospice (very rewarding and there are plenty of things to do some office work and if she feels up to it patient visits)
Her church or place of worship if she has one.

If nothing else give her a task to do. Have her start going through all the family recipes and organize them so you will have a great cookbook to pass down.
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Mipollito Mar 2020
Tasks? My mom has the attention span of a gnat unless it's a tv show/movie. She will just walk away and say "I'm tired." It's like when I used to work at preschools. Funny, not funny.
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In my small city there is a little bus for elders. It lifts wheel chairs into the back and the driver helps people in and out of the bus, and it picks people up at their homes. It isn't as high up as other buses. It isn't suitable for my mom, so I don't know how much it costs, but you might see if your city has something like that. That is if your mom is able to find her way around where ever she is going and back to where the bus picks her up. It requires a certain degree of ability. It's a way to meet and talk with other people too. Changes are difficult. I hope she adjusts somehow.
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My 87 yr old mom also agreed to stop driving. Couple days later she drove, who knows where. I noticed because car was parked slightly off. I took ALL her car keys. She had 3 copies. She said she left because she was bored. I explained we did not want to have her as a silver alert. I asked Dr to explain to her why she can't drive......memory issues, high blood pressure, possible accident. She accepted it THAT day. Next day asking for her keys again. I don't argue with her. When she asks " where's my keys?" I just answer her "I have them." Move on to another subject. Good luck with your mom.
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Maryjann Mar 2020
I hope you can sell the car soon. It's an ongoing temptation for her. I am sorry. We are dreading the day we go through this with my MIL.
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We just got my mom to hang up her keys too and refuses to go anywhere but the doctor.
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Just don't do what my sisters and I did: we told Mom we would take her wherever she wanted to go. We were that happy that she had finally decided that she was a threat to others. (She was.)

Unfortunately, driving Mom to the store, to appointments, to her swim class, to lunches with friends, etc., became a burden very quickly. Then there were the add-ons: "while you are here, could you..." The 3 of us had split up the week between us thinking we could spend an hour or so with Mom and do some shopping or whatever while she did her thing. That quickly changed into staying with Mom to help her with her errands. With the add-ons it is usually most of a day. All of us agree that the days we spend with Mom are the most strenuous and stressful days of the week. I am still not sure what other options we had, though I suspect that it might have been best if she had moved into a residential care facility in town. Rural life is not really suitable for someone who does not drive.
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First thing to always try and remember to do is to put yourself in their place. How would you feel about a particular situation that your mother might be going through. The ability to drive defines our ability to be independent. When that is taken away then we lose our independence. So try and put yourself in her position about how would you feel if you could no longer drive. My mom lost her ability to drive due to dementia. The doctor told her she could no longer drive. The DMV told her she could no longer drive. The police even told her she could no longer drive. I had to take the keys away from her and she outsmarted me several times. I disconnected the battery and she called AAA. Eventually my mom excepted the fact that she Could no longer drive. I am my mothers only child. I remember teaching her how to drive a stick shift these are the memories I have. Be patient with your mom. Be understanding. I got my mom involved in adult daycare and she loved. That took some of the load off of me and gave me some time to myself. I took care of my mom for eight years. And she just passed away last September and I miss her so much. But I took care to the best of my ability. There were times that were tough but we got through them. Three days before my mom passed away here at home it was almost as if her mine was totally clear. She says to me that she love me very much. In fact she said that multiple times during that conversation. We Both apologized for the things we did wrong to each other and in life.hboth apologized for the things we did wrong to each other and in life. and we both said I forgive you to each other as were holding hands. That afternoon hospice came in and put her on morphine and she passed away three days later.
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More than half your potential battle is won with her own agreement to give up the driving - so you're ahead of the game! Now she may just need a little help in using a different method to do what she wants to do. You didn't say what arrangements you made for rides, but it might help if you rode along with her for a few trips to ease her in to the new way to do things.

She probably is feeling sad about losing this freedom even though she recognized it was time to stop. It's a huge change for older folks. Plan an outing or two, using the new transportation method, so she can see it may be easier for her. Explain to her how much she enjoyed being out and about and can still enjoy it. Tell her that staying indoors and away from people will slow her down to the point she begin to lose ability to get around. Pep talks. Might get some resistance, but might help
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The retirement community nearby has a motto: “Living life forward”. Celebrate mom’s new choice to try new activities. Explore everything that this new age has to offer and make the most of the next part of her life.
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Giving up driving is no problem if plenty of help is available. i do not love driving. it is simply a necessary thing for me. i am 86, strong, healthy, med free, and pain fre. Nevertheless, i am looking forward to giving up driving in about 2 more years.I will count on meals on wheels and HEB delivery. Also, I have precious friends who love to take me to lunch every week. and to Bible study and church. i always fill up their cars with gas.It would be silly to feel sad about giving up driving.I am concerned about getting to any medival and or dental appointments. However, fortunately, i coul call a cab if necessary.I do not understand why driving could be a "big deal".
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O, how I do hope and pray I will never become helpless and dependent. Right now, my children treat me with love and resoect. They still value my opinions and still ask for advice.I make all my own decisions and manage my own affairs. I have never asked them for help; and have always aceppted it graciously when offered.they would not ever dream of trying to tell me what to do.I dread becoming helpless. However, I do not dwell on worrying over it. i do have long term care insurance in case i ever do need assisted living. however, i hope I never have to use it.I do not want to become a burden nor a problem for anyone. i want to be truly mised when i do die.
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Spend More time with her driving her around to places and roads you have never been on. We live in rural Ohio, and you can drive a couple of hours and be on roads you never knew existed. It gives you quality time with your mother. Do you have GPS on your phone and you will never get lost. Just make sure you share your location with someone you trust. That is also an app on your phone
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I schooled my mom in how to use her town's council on aging bus. For $2 she could use it to get to the hair dresser's and to visit my dad who was in long term care. It gave her the enjoyment of feeling independent. Although she didn't want to prevail on kind neighbors, she would get a ride from them once in a blue moon to see dad. I made a point to take her to doctor appointments and lunch out. I had an elderly neighbor who was very smart about giving up driving. He called a friend down the street and asked that when the friend planned to go to the barbershop, he would go at the same time and treat said friend to lunch. My job was to take him to the polling place on voting day. He hired a young woman to do his grocery shopping once a week. As he had no children, I tried to play a couple games of cribbage with him each week and made sure that he felt welcome to join in on holiday meals. My neighbor, instead of being isolated, nurtured and expanded friendships. He really was the ambassador of the neighborhood. He was such a good example of how to age thoughtfully. So, think carefully about how your mom and develop her network and help her see that although she is losing the ability to drive, that decision could gain or develop more friendships. It can work!
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Mother also stopped driving by her own decision. We don't really know if something happened and it scared her, like a near accident or maybe she got lost. Anyway, after quitting driving, she pretty much quit life and quickly went downhill with depression and her physical health.
I think that if you are in a position to keep her involved in life by taking her out for pleasure a couple times a week, and out on errands it will be easier for her to accept not being able to drive anymore.
Even better would be to get her involved at a senior community center a couple days a week. Some provide transportation to and from the center. Of course this is easier if she's open to it.
Sadly, I cannot get Mother to participate in life unless it's me waiting on her. But these are lessons of how I DON'T want to live when I'm elderly.
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Once my mother realized that she should give up her driver's license due to Macular Degeneration, she used her town's van that gave her rides to the grocery store, doctor's and shopping for a nominal fee ($3). Try this. This was the Council on Aging van.
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Talk to her about going to a senior center to do some activities.
Whatever it is that she likes, show up and make sure she gets there.
Just love on her and let her know u respect her hut wrenching decision to not drive but if appropriate joke about how she has earned the right to be driven around like royalty after all she did for her 4 children
She is processing life and u may not be able to make her feel better.
If she doesn't want to go out bring activities to her. If she likes bingo, take it to her with friends and food.
Keep telling her how much u love her and how proud u are of her strength to make the tough decision. Love on her and repeat regularly 🙏🏾💪🏾♥️
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Check out go go grandma type programs . They are special Lyft and Uber drivers who have the highest ratings and will drive elderly. I’m not sure but I think the rates may be lower as well. Safe rides to wherever they want to go. Your location may have similar public elderly buses as well that you call but sometimes they need to be scheduled ahead.
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my mother fell at 91, broke her arm (first break ever), had rehab for 3 months, but in discussing with her, I mentioned that she might have issues with driving (she had problems moving her arm up the whole way after the break) so she decided after a couple months that it would be better IF she did NOT drive, she did not regret it (of course I take her everywhere).  She likes to work on puzzles, crosswords, maybe that is something your parent could do.  does she know how to crochet or knit, if so maybe she could make hats or scarves for people or under privileged/churches.  wishing you luck.
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