Is it wrong to ask sister for help with mother?

you deserve to have a life of your own but if you make it easy for your sisters, they will grab it with both hands, only you can create your life be strong

You can try asking your sisters, especially if you have to do things for yourself and need them to cover, but you can't force them to do it. Connect with a local social worker to find out what your mother's options are to get aides to come in and care for your mother. Medicare may pay for some of it. Also, if your sisters need to be paid, Medicare may pay for them as caregivers (you too). You can also ask your sisters to help pay for your mother's aides. If it gets to be too much for you, talk to your mother about assisted living. She may actually prefer it, as she'll have other people her own age to socialize with and they organize activities. If she wants to go to assisted living, find a place that's close to you so that you can visit often.

Maybe they don’t know how to help. Give them specific dates and duties and maybe they’ll help out.

I have a brother the same way, My mother lived with us for 4 years before we had to put her in a nursing home. Which I feel guilty of doing. But he lives a few hours away and he never came over to see her or to help out. He doesn't visit her. The only time he gets involved when it comes with money. I needed advice about resuscitate her, I asked for his advice and he said ask the dietician. He is useless. You are not wrong about feeling that they should do their part, but unfortunately I think it will be left all up to you. I can understand what your going threw. My heart breaks for you.

If you have read through many of the posts, or if you have joined any caregiver support groups, you will notice that most caregivers do this alone. Very few caregivers have regular, ongoing support.

You will probably have to go outside of the family for support. Your sisters will come to regret their lack of support, later.

My SIL used her mom as an unpaid babysitter for her disabled son for 20+ years. Now that mom is old, declining health, etc. my SIL is missing in action. We have had mom for holidays for the past 25 years since her husband died. I finally got the SIL to take mom at Xmas by shaming her. We literally told her we were going to leave mom on her own doorstep on Xmas eve after the "family dinner" and did it. The following year, 88 year old mom was finally invited to the SIL's home for Xmas for the first time. The SIL has taken mom about every other year for Xmas now, but it's only been the past 7 years. We still take mom for all other holidays.
SIL's excuse is her husband doesn't like having his MIL because then he would have to have his mom come. His mom has lived 3K miles away for 15 years so I'm not buying it.
SIL is a selfish, lazy person who had to be forced to pay attention to her own mother after using her for decades.

Bundleofjoy,

Good for you making your brothers say the real reason why they don't help.
Make them own it and own it in front of everyone. That's what I did.
It's one thing to draw the short straw and get all the responsibility put on you while the siblings do nothing. It's quite another thing to let them completely off the hook. Not happening. I'm not above a public shaming when it comes to siblings who avoid helping out.

I'm sorry about your sisters. I would think they're reacting to something deep seated and might feel like their boundaries are being violated. On one side of things, I have been exhausted from taking care of old people and especially when you I don't get a brake. On the other hand, I have a family member that I would like to have spell me for several days but I know I can't think of my family or anyone as being half-human and half machine. They can't respond to, "I think I should" like a key in the ignition. I think some people's lives and feelings might be driving them away from taking care of an elderly parent.
I have seen adult children insist on taking care of a parent and they were abusing them and not even meant to take care of anyone.
In times past I have had people rant and rave and guilt trip me because I did not want to take care of this or that patient and they could not seem to understand that I was frantic for reasons that were none of their business.

You might want to find out if insurance might cover the cost of her care, even if only for a short time. In some cases, you might find volunteer services but I'm not the expert in this way.

What would they do if you were not there doing your part? Who would take over then? Tell them you're walking away from the responsibility because your inodiated and see what happens. Give then certain days you are unavailable to take care of mom and see if they step up to the plate.

You are not wrong - now I accepted that I took mom on and I would be the main care. What I didn’t ever expect was no support at all. It is such an awful feeling.

You can try to ask for a family meeting. Make a list of even small things that you can think of that will help you and see if you can get support and commitment from either of them. Just be prepared that they may never be what you need. It is better to find out now - as then it gives you the option of finding other resources to help - you will need to know so that you can move forward and find a better way for yourself.

I say ask for a meeting - make sure you make a list of way to help and see where they are willing to commit and hear you. That way you know now and even if it stings - it gives you a path to find other people or way to receive help and stops setting you up for being let down.

My sister came to see mom once on the last 2 years - mom has asked her for 8/9 months when she can visit - the answer is always “I don’t know and I’m busy at work” I begged her to give me breaks 2/3 times a year (I have since stopped begging) - 2 weeks ago she told mom she booked a last minute trip to Aruba (her second trip to Aruba in 2 years) - I use to get sick inside - mostly now my heart breaks for my mom. I’m telling you it is better to know so you can stop waiting and start finding a different team of people to help you. So sorry - I do understand how awful it is when you cannot count on your own family. (((Hugs)))

I would completely fall apart if my sister didn't help me. She's a very busy lawyer and works God awful hours but checks in everyday, covers sick days, and days I need for my own Dr appts. She also gives up all holidays so I can be with my family. Neither one of us has had a "vacation" beyond 2 days in the past few years. She's my shoulder to cry on and the only person who truly understands the sacrifices I make. I'm shocked your sisters haven't offered to help. The more of you helping the lesser the burden.

The sad reality of the matter is that most times indifference for someone else plight is what occurs. Family is a tricky concept. I know for a fact that when my mom and dad were at their best, blessed with assets, they had the undivided attention and constant requests for economical matters. They were the life of the party, kisses here, kisses there, not a moment of peace throughout the years, and of course my parents did thrive on the attention regardless of the cost. Once the powerhouses declined they were basically abandoned to their own fortunes, distance and indifference became the norm, so it is never a surprise to hear siblings doing the Pontius Pilate? The only beauty of the tale is that life has a way of catching up with rare exceptions. Oh Yes! Usually if there is anything of value they will suddenly come to life and be there for one more piece of the pie. Peace to you, and wash your hands of them in the exact manner they seemed to have washed their hands from this difficult situation.

Good for you asking for help!
No it is not ok for siblings dodging responsibility for taking care of their parents!
If your mom was a good or great mom, then it is their duty and responsibility to share the load. Did she changed their butts, feed them, clothes them, be there for them. Then Guess what its their turn. For thousand of years we had it this way. For good reason. Because it keeps the human tribe whole. My family just had this fight over the holiday too. The ones who believe everyone should help caring the load won.
So if you're holding the bag at the end with POA. Cut them out of anything that was not expressly given to them in a will. You are not alone. And it's ok to be Angry. Because your siblings are being selfish. If it takes a Village to care for kids then it takes a Village to care for elders.

Absolutely not wrong to hope your sisters are doing their part but (please correct me if I’m wrong) it doesn’t sound like you’ve asked them for help.

I only say this because I have two sisters who weren’t (past tense) helping my 83 year old mom who lives alone. I live in another state (and have my own chronicle health problems and work) and I have been the only one doing anything…until I complained to my therapist who said what I just did.

Try to figure out (by asking) why they’re not helping and try being really humble and tell them you just can’t do it alone.

I followed her suggestion and now at least one sister is devoting a day out of her week and often more to help.

I’ll freely say that she doesn’t do it the way I would 😉 but that’s beside the point. At least she’s doing it and it has brought us (surprisingly) closer because we now commiserate together and support each other, and that was a great benefit.

It’s also self care and you may be able to do it yourself but ask family and friends to pitch in. You might be pleasantly surprised.

I wish for you self care and healing and help for something that’s so difficult to do all on your own.

You are not wrong for thinking that way BUT you need to look elsewhere. Release yourself from the aggravation and resentment of waiting for them. Hire someone, let them know you are hiring someone, and that you will be using your mother's money to pay for that someone.

Your sister has no moral or legal obligations to help with any hands-on caregiving.

junk6usa: Imho, you can ask them to pitch in with the caregiving, although you shouldn't expect much as they have already left you holding the reins with zero relief given by them.

No, you're not wrong. They should want to help you in caring for your mother and you need all the help you can get.

My sister has had a Personality Disorder from the time she was a teenager. She has a full blown case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which ultimately means she only cares about herself. I asked her for help and she basically refused. My aunt sent my cousin on her vacation to help me deal with Mom. She is 64, a social worker and worked with the elderly in NJ. I am 66, retired and live with mother. My sister had a fit, swore that she would not come by until my cousin returns. She made one brief visit after Thanksgiving but has not come by. since Now, since my mother is in hospice, I will need help after cousin leaves, I have contracted to hire a caregiver 20 hours a week to help me. My mother has some money and, since I have a POA, I will use this money to hire caregivers. My sister's kids, i.e. my niece and nephew, have not even called. No Xmas gifts from me or mom for them this year. Once mom passes, i have no real wish to stay in touch with my sister. Some families stay together in emergencies while others turn out to be non families only related by biology..
.

No your not wrong for wanting and needing help. If they are not already stepping up to the plate to say “How can I help take care of (name) “? You are not going to get it by asking either.

Like many others posted the non-helpers we begged for help always had an excuse, sometimes valid but not always.

To me the message sent when your loved ones refused to help is that their life and schedule is more important than yours,

This caregiving role is exhausting. My mother died October 25 2021 so I am no longer caregiving but now we are trying to clean out 55 years of junk. My parents never threw out anything so it’s been quite a job.

my brother and I are trying to clean up a little at a time. He lives close to mom house but works full time and I have a long drive due to Los Angeles traffic. Only 70 miles from my home to moms but 2-3 hours drive each way. This all makes it hard to get much done but we are getting there. Our sibling helps with this as about as much as he did with caring for mom and dad. Which is not much.

I am unhappy not to get more help but I don’t feel any guilt because I always did my part to help out. Good luck.

I am hoping my response helps, since I learned from my own mistakes.
I do not regret taking sole care of my Mom for 22 years. My sister refused to help even when I begged, always an excuse. For the most part it was fine with me that she didn’t help because everything has to be her way. But after Mom died my sister left me with the debt of medical expenses and funeral expenses because Mom put us both as beneficiaries on her life insurance. I was fine with my sister getting half of the savings because that was Mom’s wishes. Make certain that you use your Mom’s money for her needs and let you sisters know that you are doing this. I would not have believed that my sister would have hurt me so bad at the worst time in my life. She still will not communicate with me and it is over a year. So please read in these blogs about protecting yourself. Get POA, get a caregiver’s contract. Your sisters may help if they know there will not be anything left. For me the debt was not the worst part, it was the deceit and manipulation. I still feel angry and hurt and sad that I lost my my Mom and only family at the same time.

Often siblings don't know what the job is and think you do, so they leave it to you. If you want help from them, you will have to be specific. If they live close enough to be practical, tell them something along these lines.. "Mom has a doc's appointment Monday and I have a conflict. SHE (not I) needs you to take her".
"Mom needs you to be with her on xx day from time - time because I have some business I must take care of. Pick her up early."

An option could be "Mom needs care assistance. I have looked into hiring someone and it would cost xx$. Your part of that is 1/3 xx$ unless you would rather do it yourself".

You haven't mentioned the type of care she requires. Does she have any special needs?

You can expect more help from your siblings but you may be left with frustration and resentment. Of course we all have to make choices for ourselves and have reasons for making those choices. I chose to bring my mother home with me during the pandemic. She was hospitalized and I was told she had "given up." I didn't want to send her back to the facility to die alone, never being able to see her children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren again.
I never expected my sister to be able to do what I was doing. She eventually agreed to take mom every other weekend after mom had been with me for several months. I actually think she resents me for bringing mom home and expecting her to help.
The last straw for me was at Thanksgiving. Mom was supposed to go to her house just for Thanksgiving. I was hoping to get away for a day or two with my family for Thanksgiving. When I brought it up that I had made plans and would need mom to stay a couple more days, her response was a sarcastic, "That is great." Then went on to explain that she had a party to go to, was going to have a houseful over the Thanksgiving vacation, and that she was already going to miss her granddaughter's dance recital because it fell on her weekend with mom.
All of this is valid. I think had she said something along the lines of, "Gee I'm sorry, I already have plans for those days, I wouldn't have felt the sting as much.
But it felt like it was all about her social life. And maybe that is the truth, the real reason she doesn't want to help with mom.
So my head is constantly telling me to get over the fact that my sister isn't going to help as much as I want/need her to. My heart, though, says something else.
From experience, I can say that it is a waste of energy placing expectations on other people and expecting them to follow through on them. Take what help they offer and expect nothing more. You will save yourself a lot of pain and anxiety. Know that when your mom is gone, you will have done all you could for her. You will answer for what you have done and your sisters will answer for what they have done.
Take care and know there are a lot of people sitting in this boat with you. Come here for help or just to vent. It doesn't necessarily change your situation, but it helps to know that other caregivers know exactly what you're talking about.

I have 2 siblings and both refuse to help with anything for our parents. Lots of excuses but bottom line they just won’t help. I stopped asking months ago. Set boundaries for yourself and find other caregiving resources. You can’t change your siblings and they will have to live with the consequences of disregarding their senior parents. Self care with what little free time you have. Only way to keep your sanity. You’re the better person for helping. Good luck.

You can always ask for the help of siblings, but don't expect them to fill in as much as you would prefer. Sometimes, you will be surprised by willing help. More likely your siblings see that you have things well in hand and have arranged their lives accordingly. If they will not help, get help from all other available resources: family, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help.

I am in the same situation . My sister did not help with my Mom when I needed her most and had to place her in a NH but she was able to borrow her house keys and take all the art , jewelry and money by forging a check . My Brother got sick at the same time snd I cared for him at Home till he needed ICU and a NH and died . No one called or sent a card . A tenant I had eventually committed suicide his family would not come get his belongings . My Dad hasn’t been well the past 5 years either . All my sister does is talk about her inheritance - it’s rather disgusting- I realize she is a selfish greedy person and not someone I can trust . I realize I am alone . My Dads legs are a bit wobbly … otherwise he is doing ok besides the short term memory stuff - I know it’s a hard road , My brother hasn’t seen Him in 25 years . Do I feel resentful ? Yes . Her excuse is she is working or her child has soccer - I realize she isn’t a true friend . Hire help - get a CNA , social worker, meals on wheels . This caretaking is a lonely isolating path .

Welcome to the Hell of caregiving.

One child does all the work with little to no appreciation. The other children are absent unless it is to lighten mommy or daddys pocketbook.

I have been a caregiver for a narcissistic mother from Hell for over seven years. Most of the other caregivers I know go through the same thing. I am sure most of the caregivers here would agree with me.

Hold your head high girl because you are head and shoulders above them in dignity and duty. Believe me at some point in time your hard work will be rewarded seven times more upon you. It always does.

Sending you a big hug and saying well done beautiful child

Nobody is required to take care of any parent. Many children choose to do so. That is their choice. It is perfectly acceptable to have a conversation with your sibs about how much time each of you have to share with your Mom. Bear in mind, though, that her needs will continue to grow. Obviously, you are already doing more than is good for you to do. You need to cut back. However, if your sibs are unwilling/unable to help in caring for your mother you need to take a hard look at what other options might work, including hiring help, moving Mom into a senior residence, or whatever else might be available where you live. Your mom should absolutely be part of this conversation.

You don't mention if you also have brothers. If you do, they should also be part of the conversation. Before you meet with your sibs, though, you need to clearly define for yourself just what you are willing to do. Be realistic, you cannot spend all your spare time with Mom. You need time for your own appointments, emergencies, and personal time (plan for a bit more personal time than you think you need, you will need it later). Specify clearly to your sibs what your mother appears to require and what you can do. Prepare for several minutes of dead silence while they consider the implications. Do not back down. They will probably not offer to do much, but there could be some surprises. Be prepared to steer the conversation toward whatever other options you have researched.

An important considerations is what your mother can afford to pay for. She should pay for the assistance she needs. She should be aware that if nursing care is ultimately required she will need to spend down her estate before Medicaid will take over payments for her care. Many nursing homes will accept an older person as a paying resident and assist in converting her stay to a Medicaid-paid stay when it is necessary. Your sibs need to understand that if that is the plan there will be no inheritance beyond memorabilia. Everything of value must be liquidated to pay for care.

Just bear in mind that your sibs are entitled to make their own choices. You cannot force them to do anything at all. Remind yourself that you have CHOSEN to help your mother. How much you choose to do is entirely up to you. Be reasonable with yourself and be kind to yourself you do have the right to a life of your own. Your mothers needs must be secondary to your own needs. Good luck. This will not be easy. I hope you will find a good place of agreement with your sibs, even if it is not what you might be hoping for now.

Out of curiosity - you say they have their excuses - what is their situation? I agree they should do their part. But everyone's situation is different. And from the outside looking in - I am sure there are plenty of people who would say that my DH and I should be doing more than we do for my FIL. But they don't know the entire situation. My BIL and SIL moved in with FIL not because he needed care but because they needed a roof over their heads. He was independent at the time. Then he just stopped doing anything for himself because "why should I when they live here and they can do it for me" (long story). As a result they became caregivers. He lost his mobility - almost to the point now where if he loses anymore they won't be able to keep him in his home. But they still need a roof over their heads. SIL doesn't work outside of the home. BIL does. DH and I both work full time. And we live an hour away one way. SIL is his primary caregiver. But we take off work and help with as many doctors appts as possible because he is a 2 person transport to anything he does. We are there nearly every weekend. We talk every day. We are as involved as we can be. SIL called and one or both of them may need surgery in the near future. And I literally said "We need to talk to FIL now because we need to talk about hiring someone to come stay while you recuperate".
Now...there are plenty of people who would interpret that as us shirking our duties. We are 100% willing to help when and how we can. But there are definitely people who feel like one or both of us should be taking time off of work and moving over there to backfill to take care of him while they recuperate. So taking care of them and him. And I drew a line in the sand. DH has a disability of his own. Am I being selfish for not dragging us over there to help? I work from home sometimes 50-60 hours a week and I need the office set up I have at home and cannot replicate at his house. DH as well. We can't move our work from home set up over there, so we would have to take time off. Recovery from surgery can be weeks. So it makes more sense to hire someone.
Too many times, as a society, we have this expectation that hiring help is somehow dismissing our responsibility to care for someone. When the reality is that sometimes we can't do it ourselves. That is not NOT caring for someone or shirking our responsibility to provide their care. It is simply finding another way to do it. If we aren't physically able to do it, isn't it better to find and pay someone who is, than to put us all in the hospital to provide it.

FYI, the reason that my SIL needs surgery is directly related to her time providing care for my FIL. Caregiving related injury related to assisting a 300 pound man to do things - repeated injury to her hand. So sometimes knowing what needs to be done and admitting that you need help is the most important thing.

If your siblings are telling you no - as hard as it is to hear - they have their reasons. Yes, in an ideal world - they SHOULD help you. 100%. I wish we were able to help my SIL and BIL more but logistically it is impossible. We don't live there - they do. We are an hour away without traffic and the little time we have outside of work every day during the week would offer them nothing. And we already spend the weekend doing what we can. And we already give them any time during the week that we can for doctors appointments and multiple daily phone calls. Short of living there I don't know what more we can do. I also have my own mother and grandmother that I need to be able to help as well.

So you have to decide what you are willing to do, your siblings have to decide what they are willing to do. And then you bridge whatever else your mother needs with outside help. You have to take care of yourself too. That is equally important. They may not tell you the real reason, but if they don't you may just have to get the help you need so that you can get what you need too.

No. You are not wrong for thinking your sisters should be doing their part to help out. What's wrong is when all the caregiving and responsibility falls on one. It usually happens that way though.
Stop accepting their excuses for why they won't help out and make they say the real reason.
It's understandable to refuse to become caregivers to needy elderly people and to not want to take on the colossal responsibility that comes with it.
Make your siblings own it and say it. They just don't want to help with their own mother. Excuses like having to work, having the kids, and everything else saves face and sounds better than owning the real reason. Nobody wants to look bad and I'm sure your siblings voice their "concerns" about how mom is being cared for and offer plenty of advice to you too. They probably also offer plenty of praise for how great a job you're doing.
Tell them you don't need palms thrown under your feet. You need help with mother's care. If they're not willing to help start looking at care facility placement for her.