How is everyone handling the holidays? My grief has come to a head.

I'm also struggling to get through these holidays. But I guess we have something to look forward too.. December 26th and January 2nd.
Hang in there my friend.

I feel for you. It has taken over a year to recover from the shock of what happened. I have spent the last 10 years taking care of my terminally ill mother and now my father. Brother stole everything from my father, who is cognitively impaired after strokes and never revoked poa, so he/I owe over $200K. My life is destroyed, I have totally withdrawn. I feel for you. Look at it this way - It could always be worse.

To help understand Meredith's grief, it's also helpful to read his earlier post:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-get-over-watching-your-mom-die-190857.htm

I feel for all of us. I never dreamed this would be so hard. I'm glad it's not just me. But that is little comfort. I'm still at a loss. I'm trying to live. But my brain wants to die. I've died a thousand times already it seems. What's one more. I have heard people say it a cowards way. But I don't think people that do this are cowards, it's an end to their insufferable pain. I don't blame them. They are brave in my book. Brave enough to stop the hurt I'm not yet. I hope I never .

Get thee to the Dr! Maybe they can be of some assistance with your depression, I know this is hard, it is mom and I's first holidays with out my Dad, he passed in Feb, and several other family members have had bad health issues since then. Sometimes it seems like it never ends. Mom was trying to go off her antidepressants.. no go the holidays. She even admitted they help. So perhaps you can find some relief as well. My best thoughts are with you

Dear M., please, please show your wife your post, and please have her call this number if you cannot call for yourself: 1-800-273-TALK. It is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. They should be able to direct you to help nearby. There is also a website specifically for Kentucky, kentuckysuicideprevention.org

You have had a shock with your mom and close friend both passing away so suddenly. When you are under stress that significant, sometimes the body and brain have a hard time "settling down" and you can have very intense anxiety akin to PTSD -- that intense anxiety can prevent your heart from doing what it needs to do to begin grieving and healing. I think sadness is normal, and healthy, but it should be an ebb and tide of sadness and love, not a feeling of continuous despair or intense restlessness, especially for an extended period of time.

Your kids love you, and they want to enjoy life with you. They, your family, your friends at home, and your friends here all want you to feel better, and know you can.
Your mom's spirit is there with you now. Her heart is with your heart, and with her grandkids' hearts. That love does not go away. With a doctor's and your family's help, you will be able to find that peaceful spot in your heart and feel your mom's presence there with you. She is looking after you, and your life will get better.

You sound like a very kind-hearted person and things will be ok. Treat yourself gently.

Please let us know how you are doing.

I'm so sorry mmeridith that you are struggling. Grief is such a personal thing. There really is no one answer. There is probably loads of answers but it is up to you. We cannot experience your personal grief, just give you glimpses of ours. I lost my father a few years ago, cancer won. Then I took care of my mother will Alzheimers for the next 2 years, lost her in May. Alzheimers won.
Holidays are so hard, especially when grief is always present. Got it.

I read this the other day. It's written by an elderly man in response to someone who felt they couldn't go on without the person who passed away. It gives me comfort and I hope you can find comfort in it as well.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Your wife has made the terrible mistake of assuming that because she does not understand the depth of your emotion, and she does not grieve in the same way, it is not real and she can therefore neglect it and brush it off. It may not be intentional cruelty but it is cruel and wrong. What you need is someone who can wrap their arms around you just as you are and make God's love for you more real. Sure, it is the way of things that we should lose our parents. For some of us, certain circumstances make that harder than for others. The first holidays are the hardest. I remember just finding my Mom's Snoopy stocking I had bought for her that we were not going to get to use, and how I'd been pretty much OK up til then...

But seriously, do get help from a hotline or any source for a complicated grieving that is beyond what you can handle alone - the timing, the lack of support, the kind of relationship you had, the job loss on top of it. I will pray that your wife's eyes and heart could be opened to how much you hurt and the fact that she probably does NOT want to lose you over this, but could, if you don't get help and ideally get help together. Possibly someone else could give her the perspective on what you are going through and a better way to respond to it!

Please reread lindylu's post, show this whole tread to your wife, and call the suicide help line. The most important thing right now is to get through the holidays without giving up.

I don't know whether killing one's self takes "courage." Probably a certain kind of courage. But I do know it is a very selfish thing to do. From your other post where you were worrying about how to get gifts for your three children I would guess that you are very much NOT a selfish person. Maybe that is why you can't muster the "courage" to leave those kids without a dad.

Last year a young woman in our family killed herself. Her 4-year-old son walked in and found her in death seizures. Her mother had to call the authorities and calm the child while going crazy herself. Her oldest daughter was a teen and hadn't been getting along well with her mom (the usual teen stuff) and now will never have a chance for an adult relationship with her. The middle child was just entering her teens and in the usual state of confusion about that. Now no mother to help her sort it out. This will be the second Christmas these children spend without their mother.

Would you do that to your children? Killing yourself would end your pain, but it would be the beginning of unbelievable pain for theirs. I am sure you do not want to do that to them, or to your wife, or to your father.

Yes, you absolutely deserve to get out of this state of excruciating grief. I don't blame you at all for wanting that to end. So find some other ways to lessen it and end it.

Please, please, call that suicide prevention line and get some guidance to other kinds of help.

Keep talking my friend. In my experience, shrinks were good at prescribing me another pill just so I could sleep my problems off. That didn't work. Problems were still there when I woke up. Also thought about suicide. That's the easy way out -- and it's certainly not the answer. What did work was reaching out to others (e.g., this forum) and sharing my grief.

The Holiday Season depresses me to no end because the people whom I truly loved are no longer here, especially my wife and Dad. They passed years ago, yet I'm still grieving. Remember the show "Cheers"? It helped me get out of the house. Try it. There's a lot of lonely souls out there in need of company. Go out and brighten their Holidays.

We all here understand , especially during the holiday season. Every day I want someone who will wrap me in their arms, tell me everything is going to be O.K., but those trusted, loving arms are now gone from me...I have never been able to reconcile the death of those I love. The older I become the more difficult it gets...You are not alone, please don't do something that will cause the same suffering to those you love and who love you.On those very darkest days when I feel to the depth of my soul nothing matters, I know those I love matter....You are in my prayers....

It's late and I'm very tired so maybe I'll comment tomorrow. In the meantime I am so very sorry for those that grieve at this time of year. Nothing we can do but get past it as best we can and look forward to spring when nature comes alive once again.

Mmeredith, I hope you begin to feel better soon. I am sure hoping that we all may feel better once this month and these holidays are over. It won't be much longer and I certainly hope so. I am always relieved when it is done.
I took a walk today and the lovely decorations on people's homes made me feel terrible...as though I am not deserving of things like that. If it just were my bedridden Mom on hospice it would be rough enough, but then came the blindness in my one eye from my retinal detachment, and now my husband's heart problems worsened 3 weeks after my eye surgery and I am so depressed about that. Every time I get some hope for the future it seems something awful occurs to tell me NO. I have to be here for my loved ones though, so I usually go one day at a time...

Maybe it doesn't work for everyone, but I strongly urge you to see a doctor -- both to talk about your individual situation and feelings and also to get help and pills can help other than make you sleep. It doesn't have to be forever, just until you get your feelings "under control" and you can deal with them without acute depression. If you don't want to see a doctor, find a grief support group in your area so you can talk face-to-face with others who are also having difficulty. You can help each other! You can find the strength you need to 'come back' and you have to know that all of us are behind you, supporting you. Look for help. Not everyone can do everything on their own.

Mmeredith, please do call the suicide prevention hot line, talk to your doctor, talk to your wife, and yes, if necessary, see a psychiatrist for help. The stereotype of a psychiatrist as someone who has you lie down on a couch and tell them about your childhood is no longer valid. They are very knowledgeable about medicines that can provide relief from the intense suffering you are going through, so that you can grieve and heal. You have been through the wringer, so treat yourself kindly. And come back here to share again. It really helps to know how others are feeling and to realize that you are not alone.

You are experiencing extreme caretaker burnout. I have felt the same and could not understand why I felt suicidal. Please take some time off or it will destroy you as it has me.

Anyone who threatens or EVEN mentions suicide needs help immediately. Only psychiatrists can prescribe pills but counselors or support groups don't. I would suggest finding a support group specifically for the loss of loved ones. I just passed a church the other day that had a banner out that said that very thing. There are so many of us that are just numb or stunned at our situations. I take care of my dad 93, my mom dem/alz., my sister passed away 3 years ago which almost killed me and our son lives with us along with his 2 kids which adds to chaos. Someone mentioned PTSD and that's exactly what it is. Your body goes into shock. Some people can handle it and others curl up. PLEASE look for a support group and keep talking. It really does help HOWEVER, you might also need some medication to help get you over this hump. Good Luck and God Bless.

Mmerdith, trust me, no one can understand what you're going through except someone who is going through the same thing. No doctor, grief counselor, therapist, so-called friends, or even your wife knows what it feels like. But I do.

I lost my mom in September. She was the most precious thing in the world to me. My dad died when I was only 4, and my mom raised me all by herself. I am an only child ( a son) who never married and spent my whole life together with my mom. I have feelings just like yours. I have never experienced so much suffering in my life. For me, it's been a matter of getting through day by day. A day does not pass that I don't break down in episodes of uncontrolled crying.

As Christmas approaches, I don't know how I am going to make it through this. Everything about Christmas seems to heighten my sense of loss and lonliness. I want to be with my mom and my family celebrating Christmas in heaven, not here alone.

You have already found the answer that you are seeking in your last sentence, God help me! The only thing that has gotten me through thus far is my faith in God. My faith has grown substantially and now I realize that the most important thing you can do in this life is to believe in God and trust in His Divine Mercy.

The only person that I have been able to confide in has been a priest. He did not come into my life by chance, but was sent because someone knew that I needed help. He may not feel what I'm feeling, but somehow he understands and is leading me in the right direction to God. The faith is already in me. He is acting as a guide to lead me.

Mmerdith, seek out a clergyman who can relate to your situation. Many cannot. It may be a good idea for your wife to meet with him also so that she can better understand what you are experiencing. If she refuses, go on your own. Trust me, it is the only thing that has helped me.

The only consolation that I can offer is that your mom and brother are in peace, in a good place. You don't have to worry about them anymore. They are with God. Your focus should be living the type of life that will reunite you with them one day. Think about what I have told you. It is coming from my heart. Maybe someone knows that you need help. May God bless us all!!

The holidays are so difficult when you have lost someone. The only way to get through it, is to get through it and eventually it gets better. But it sounds like you have too much on your plate and Christmas when you are lonely is depressing. Losing your wife as well, that is even harder because divorce is not final, meaning that person is still around to remind you of what you have lost. (been there, done that - it feels like a personal failure more than loss by death). It sounds like you need to see a doctor to get some help, at least for the short term some sort of antidepressant until such time as you can figure out where your life is going. Please call the suicide hotline and talk to someone every time you feel like that. Keeping it all in is not the answer.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out and sharing! We are all sending you love and caring. These people have good suggestions, too.... Take good care of YOURSELF, just like you took good care of your mother. Do one little thing for yourself today. You can do it!

When I'm feeling like I don't want to live, I remember, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." My grandmother and two great-uncles on opposite sides of the family all committed suicide. It's not a path you want to travel. I know it's hard to understand in your grief with so many people dying but death is a part of life. I have/had a lot of animals, and I've lost tons of them. Instead of focusing on what you lost, think of what you had with them while they were alive. My mother died two years ago but I dream about her all the time, and she's still giving me grief! We are still alive, and where there is life, there is hope. I hope you can find something to help snap you out of your depression. It may be therapy or medication but, for the most part, it's usually yourself. I'm decorating for Christmas with hundreds of things, 95% of which, my mother bought, and I remember her joy about this thing and that, and I become her.

I will tell you that holidays are the worst times for some suffering from clinical depression disease and other mood diseases. I'm not saying this is you. Don't get me wrong. Hang in there and simplify Christmas for yourself as much as you can!

dear MMeredith the amount of stress and grief you are feeling is huge but there is hope. Firstly please realise that you are loved by your family, especially your children. At times we don't pick up on cues and get so caught up in our own worlds we don't always let people know how deeply we love them. If you Harmed yourself Your children will not get over it and I'm sure they would want to grow old with you. Trust me you are valued. Please call the suicide prevention line and Please see a psychotherapist. When I found myself depressed and stressed many years ago when my father first became ill I didn't think I could make it through the day. A friend urged me to see someone. With medication and therapy I began to manage the baby steps of getting through each day. The medication balanced the fluids in my synapses that the stress had caused to be unbalanced. I know everyone is different but there are physically changes and imbalances that probably need A doctor to evaluate. We cannot do this by willpower alone. Talking to someone who didn't know me personally also helped. My father passed on dec 5 th 18 years ago and I feel him close to my heart every day. I have learned to focus on feeling blessed that I had him as my dad. I miss him daily. It is because he was so special and we had a really close relationship. I was very lucky. I cuddled him as he passed as I did with my gma and as my mum is nearing the end of her journey I hope I am there at the end. These are hard hard moments in life and I feel for your situation and know something of what you are going through. Because I loved each of them so much I wanted to be there at the end. Not everyone can or wants to do this. You are strong to have been there for your mum at that time. There are many on this forum who are going through this or who have been through this. Saying this is not meant to diminish what you are going through but to say we are here to listen and support. We can understand some of what you are going through. Grief is very personal we all have a way of dealing/not coping too well. It's going to take time. Just try to take one baby step at a time but I think you need someone to suggest the next baby step. Please keep talking to us

The Holidays and any event focusing on "the family" is rough. I lost my father 8.5 years ago and it still feels like I lost him the morning of the day I feel the pain from his loss, which still happens to this day. I promise you, there will be a day when you will be better at handling the pain because, at least for me, the pain will always be there but as the years go by I'm better able to handle it. You need to let yourself feel the waves of pain - over and over...and over - in order to heal. Let yourself cry - hard - until it hurts and your coughing. And continue to do this - even if it's months from now. When I'm having a bad day, I think about how my father would've handled the situation and I work hard to learn from my experience and hope that whatever lessons I did learn that day will make me a better person for it, thus making my father proud. As you work through the grief, there may be a time when you'll want to do something good in your mother's and brother's name. Think about what was important to your mother and brother, and maybe you can carry this legacy as part of your healing process. I'm finally at this point in my life. I'm working hard so I can become successful and establish a college scholarship in my father's name because education was very important him. I'm now solo caregiving my elderly mother. I want to open up an animal rescue group in her name because pets have been instrumental in her healing process after my father died. You'll be okay, I promise. It's just going to take time and it's different for everyone.