How is everyone handling the holidays? My grief has come to a head.

I'm so sorry mmeridith that you are struggling. Grief is such a personal thing. There really is no one answer. There is probably loads of answers but it is up to you. We cannot experience your personal grief, just give you glimpses of ours. I lost my father a few years ago, cancer won. Then I took care of my mother will Alzheimers for the next 2 years, lost her in May. Alzheimers won.
Holidays are so hard, especially when grief is always present. Got it.

I read this the other day. It's written by an elderly man in response to someone who felt they couldn't go on without the person who passed away. It gives me comfort and I hope you can find comfort in it as well.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Dear M., please, please show your wife your post, and please have her call this number if you cannot call for yourself: 1-800-273-TALK. It is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. They should be able to direct you to help nearby. There is also a website specifically for Kentucky, kentuckysuicideprevention.org

You have had a shock with your mom and close friend both passing away so suddenly. When you are under stress that significant, sometimes the body and brain have a hard time "settling down" and you can have very intense anxiety akin to PTSD -- that intense anxiety can prevent your heart from doing what it needs to do to begin grieving and healing. I think sadness is normal, and healthy, but it should be an ebb and tide of sadness and love, not a feeling of continuous despair or intense restlessness, especially for an extended period of time.

Your kids love you, and they want to enjoy life with you. They, your family, your friends at home, and your friends here all want you to feel better, and know you can.
Your mom's spirit is there with you now. Her heart is with your heart, and with her grandkids' hearts. That love does not go away. With a doctor's and your family's help, you will be able to find that peaceful spot in your heart and feel your mom's presence there with you. She is looking after you, and your life will get better.

You sound like a very kind-hearted person and things will be ok. Treat yourself gently.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Your wife has made the terrible mistake of assuming that because she does not understand the depth of your emotion, and she does not grieve in the same way, it is not real and she can therefore neglect it and brush it off. It may not be intentional cruelty but it is cruel and wrong. What you need is someone who can wrap their arms around you just as you are and make God's love for you more real. Sure, it is the way of things that we should lose our parents. For some of us, certain circumstances make that harder than for others. The first holidays are the hardest. I remember just finding my Mom's Snoopy stocking I had bought for her that we were not going to get to use, and how I'd been pretty much OK up til then...

But seriously, do get help from a hotline or any source for a complicated grieving that is beyond what you can handle alone - the timing, the lack of support, the kind of relationship you had, the job loss on top of it. I will pray that your wife's eyes and heart could be opened to how much you hurt and the fact that she probably does NOT want to lose you over this, but could, if you don't get help and ideally get help together. Possibly someone else could give her the perspective on what you are going through and a better way to respond to it!

Keep talking my friend. In my experience, shrinks were good at prescribing me another pill just so I could sleep my problems off. That didn't work. Problems were still there when I woke up. Also thought about suicide. That's the easy way out -- and it's certainly not the answer. What did work was reaching out to others (e.g., this forum) and sharing my grief.

The Holiday Season depresses me to no end because the people whom I truly loved are no longer here, especially my wife and Dad. They passed years ago, yet I'm still grieving. Remember the show "Cheers"? It helped me get out of the house. Try it. There's a lot of lonely souls out there in need of company. Go out and brighten their Holidays.

It's late and I'm very tired so maybe I'll comment tomorrow. In the meantime I am so very sorry for those that grieve at this time of year. Nothing we can do but get past it as best we can and look forward to spring when nature comes alive once again.

Anyone who threatens or EVEN mentions suicide needs help immediately. Only psychiatrists can prescribe pills but counselors or support groups don't. I would suggest finding a support group specifically for the loss of loved ones. I just passed a church the other day that had a banner out that said that very thing. There are so many of us that are just numb or stunned at our situations. I take care of my dad 93, my mom dem/alz., my sister passed away 3 years ago which almost killed me and our son lives with us along with his 2 kids which adds to chaos. Someone mentioned PTSD and that's exactly what it is. Your body goes into shock. Some people can handle it and others curl up. PLEASE look for a support group and keep talking. It really does help HOWEVER, you might also need some medication to help get you over this hump. Good Luck and God Bless.

I'm also struggling to get through these holidays. But I guess we have something to look forward too.. December 26th and January 2nd.
Hang in there my friend.

We all here understand , especially during the holiday season. Every day I want someone who will wrap me in their arms, tell me everything is going to be O.K., but those trusted, loving arms are now gone from me...I have never been able to reconcile the death of those I love. The older I become the more difficult it gets...You are not alone, please don't do something that will cause the same suffering to those you love and who love you.On those very darkest days when I feel to the depth of my soul nothing matters, I know those I love matter....You are in my prayers....

To help understand Meredith's grief, it's also helpful to read his earlier post:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-get-over-watching-your-mom-die-190857.htm

Please reread lindylu's post, show this whole tread to your wife, and call the suicide help line. The most important thing right now is to get through the holidays without giving up.

I don't know whether killing one's self takes "courage." Probably a certain kind of courage. But I do know it is a very selfish thing to do. From your other post where you were worrying about how to get gifts for your three children I would guess that you are very much NOT a selfish person. Maybe that is why you can't muster the "courage" to leave those kids without a dad.

Last year a young woman in our family killed herself. Her 4-year-old son walked in and found her in death seizures. Her mother had to call the authorities and calm the child while going crazy herself. Her oldest daughter was a teen and hadn't been getting along well with her mom (the usual teen stuff) and now will never have a chance for an adult relationship with her. The middle child was just entering her teens and in the usual state of confusion about that. Now no mother to help her sort it out. This will be the second Christmas these children spend without their mother.

Would you do that to your children? Killing yourself would end your pain, but it would be the beginning of unbelievable pain for theirs. I am sure you do not want to do that to them, or to your wife, or to your father.

Yes, you absolutely deserve to get out of this state of excruciating grief. I don't blame you at all for wanting that to end. So find some other ways to lessen it and end it.

Please, please, call that suicide prevention line and get some guidance to other kinds of help.