A 43 year old grandson has been living with my 97 year old mother in law for many years. Recently he became engaged to a lady we had never met. We came from another state to discover this 'lady' has moved in with the grandson and grandma. We were shocked to see she has taken over the house, moving Grandma's clothes to a smaller corner of the closet so she could fill up the entire other side with her clothes etc. Her mail and magazines are coming there, including collection letters. AND worse still, we learned this lady was arrested last week for using a credit card from another elderly lady without her permission and spent $30,000! (She supposedly was helping her) This lady, who is no lady, should not be in this house. She is currently out on bail and has a hearing in a couple weeks. My husband asked her to leave and the grandson is refusing to have her go, they ran to Grandma, and Grandma said they both could stay! Grandma is being duped! We are beside ourselves! How do we get this woman out when Grandma says it is OK? This is a HUGE problem. We live out of state too, Any ideas or where we can turn for help?
Concentrate on protecting mom's accounts, if giving up closet space does not bother her, do not let it bother you. If having this woman run her house is acceptable to her, do not let it bother you. Monitor the situation. Unless gran is incompetent, if she chooses to have roommates she may do so.
I am not saying you do not have just cause for worries, but I believe the problem is the grandson, for bringing this woman into his grandmmother's house.
Did 43 move in to take care of granny or because he wanted a free place to live?
Is this lady the sort of person he typically hangs with? IF he is a freeloader, is it a surprise he hooked up with this sort of person? Is he just being vulnerable and can he be open to an intervention? Monitor the situation for fraud and report if you find evidence. Let them know you will be looking.
Since you do not describe grandson as your son, assume he is a nephew. Where are his parents?
I feel your pain. My 90 mother has been being taken advantage of by a lady that lives upstairs from her. My sister and I have always had aclose and involved relationship with mom, but since this lady lives in the same building and we children are an hour and two hours away, we have let this lady help my mom. My mom pays her to do her cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping. The lady has insisted over the past few years that she wants to do this. This lady has always been very pushy...but is wasn't until recently that we discovered that she is taking advantage of mom. She has taken 2,000$ worth of "loans" and has not paid any back (and can't...she has all kinds of trouble with money it turns out). My mom can not afford to be giving loans but feels so grateful to this person because she has been so "good" to her...Meanwhile this lady is doing things like threatening to change my moms locks so the family can't get in, etc. too many stories to tell here. She is taking money from my mom and her elderly friend who my mom is POA for....it's awful and I am not sure what to do about it. My mom knows about all of the awful things this lady has done....and is upset about it ....but then will always say "but she has been very good to me." She has been totally brainwashed. My mom recently fell and broke her hip. I am hoping to use this opportunity to get my mom to live somewhere else....I have to get her away from this lady. I really want to get her out of moms life. I do not know how to help someone when you know they are being used (and have proof) but they are complacent about it. Any suggestions appreciated....do I call elder services? Can I get a restraining order? What can I do? This lady does now know I am watching and I am taking on POA of mom....I hope to stop money from going to this lady because I know she is using mom and her friend as her own personal ATM!
We had a niece that my mother raised that was an unsavory character. After she became an adult she left her first child to be raised by my mother. The girl was my niece’s leverage in manipulating my mother for mother and babysitting her other children. The niece ended up spending all of my mother’s money. Stole some of my dad’s funeral money and half of my mom’s jewelry.
I lived 11 hours away from them but went once a month to make sure all was being taken care of.
I gradually took over their finances. My mom with dementia wasn’t paying bills and they had liens on the house. At the same time I put the squeeze on the niece.
The problem was that my mom kept giving her blank checks and her ATM debit card. The girl spent money like it was hers. I filed with APS, CPS and filed forgery charges against her. The problem was that my mother always defended her and none of the authorities would do anything unless my mother pressed charges.
It’s a horrible situation to be in. Watching someone else take advantage of your mother.
If you have DPOA it helps.
You need to start documenting everything. Report everything. Make sure there is a paper trail for all activities. Get on your mom’s checking account and don’t allow her to have a debit card or checks. Who is paying the bills for her? If it is the grandson it is going to be difficult to change or take control of the situation.
I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you. The elderly are so very vulnerable to people. We don’t get to choose our family. Develop a friendship with her neighbors to call you whenever they see something happening that shouldn’t. Or hire someone to look in on her periodically.
I don't know what state, or county in your state that you are located in, but one such agency is HHSA (Health and Human Services). Look up the one where she lives under State, & the correct county. There will be an 800 number. You can report anything, even your hunch, and it will remain completely confidential. Do you know any of her neighbors? Can you also give that neighbor the number too? Also tell them, that it will remain strictly confidential, and their name and what they report will NOT be disclosed.
Next, a social worker will be assigned to the case, to go to the home to investigate. If she/he notices any signs of the above mentioned forms of abuse, that person will notify the correct authorities. The correct authorities will contains: police, probation, lawyer for the elderly, and so forth. If you call the probation department directly the individual in question will be aware, and you don't want to alienate your grandson, and that may not be confidential.
This is a complicated situation, since it is not only the person in question, but involves 2 people, one of which is your grandson.
If HHSA decides she is committing an act of abuse (financial, physical, emotional, ADL's - food, water, bathing), she will be removed from the premises by law enforcement and arrested.
The next step will be the hardest. If your grandson will still be living there, a lawyer will be needed. He may let her back into the house, since they are married. A lawyer will have to take steps further, since it is not one person, but two. He will have to find another place to live, since he is allowing a person into the house that is not in the best interest of your Grandma. If he will willingly move out, than that is fine, if not, that is where it becomes complicated.
Next a CHHA agency will need to have people to go help your Grandma with food, bathing, cleaning, doctor's appointments, etc.
If both individuals are out, and no longer living there, the locks must be changed immediately.
Please follow through on this, if your "gut feeling" is correct, than you were justifiably "the eyes and ears" for your Grandma. If it turns out that she is perfectly fine, than no harm was done.
that may not work for you, but the premise is the same. if shes like i think she is, im sure she has a probabtion officer. contact local law enforcment see if she has warrents. i personally would simply get grandma out of there. 97 yr olds, no matter how strong, are no match for 2 scandolous people. set up nanny cams.. get grandma into a better place. once the rent runs out, the scum will scurry away to rip off someone else.
If he wants to live with or marry this individual, they are both of legal age so her moving her stuff in the home would happen. The criminal record, how extensive or not it is --would be my big concern.
If you fear for the 97 yr olds safety, you could take her with you or move her somewhere like the NH or ALF. If the home is sold to cover the cost the couple would need to move on with their lives as another address.
Otherwise, you will find trouble at every turn.
Guess some readers here failed to read what you wrote about this--that one response from Michelleheart was really out-of-line!
What you describe is very hard to deal with--especially at long distance.
There are quite a number of great ideas as to what to do--I liked Lori1943's suggestions.
Do you have POA?
If not, why not?
IF there is no POA, it's a good idea to get it done...BUT...it will not help if Mom gets riled up over you in conflict over her grandson & his woman living there....please try to keep things calm until a POA can be achieved.
If Mom gave POA to grandson, then he can do what he thinks is right, legally, unless it can be shown/proved he does stuff that might be seen as endangering or abusive of an elder--that is an APS report issue.
Contacting the woman's parole officer, or at least clueing law where she is--she may be violating her parole. That she was caught taking C/C and charing large sums on it from another old lady, shows she may be up to that again. Therefore, it's real important that something be done fast, to try to prevent Mom's assets from being taken--the State might even view that very badly--
--State welfare does NOT like being ripped off, either---any elder who gets ripped off so that it causes that elder to require State Aid, well, DSHS might be interested in helping prevent that from happening.
Call her local police dept.; request "well-checks" be made--sometimes weekly.
Cops go to house, check on person named, report what they find.
It has to be written up in the police reports, usually, but there might be some glitches to this---you might have to call her local police via their regular phone lines, instead of dialing 911, since you are located far away.
So, make sure you tell them to please file a written report about it, so a file will be started on it.
Files accumulate, then can be referred to APS, which helps them make some determinations.
If a pattern of unsavory things is noted, or if police or APS see health issues, safety issues, etc., there may be grounds for APS moving her out of there to somewhere safe,
OR, if something illegal is going on there that police can see, smell, hear, they may have grounds to nab grandson and/or his woman.
Safety of the elder comes first.
Watching out for her assets comes second, but it still ranks.
If Mom still has all her faculties, you may have difficulty removing her from her home--even for an extended "vacation", if she understands you might be trying to move her outta there due to grandson & his woman. It will require all your most conciliatory communication skills to do something like that....& you may not want to move her in with you--you may want to just honestly take her on a vacation--something pleasant.
You need to learn if there is any legal arrangement allowing grandson to stay in her house. Is he helping her, or just free-loading because he can't find work and pay for his own shelter?
Is his woman there in some useful capacity? IF so, her parole officer needs to know--if she is outside her parole area, or, if she is doing work or residing in ways that violates the terms of her parole, THAT is a problem for her.
...and could get her yanked outta there faster.
It's common for parolees to have a tough time finding housing they can afford, or that allows them to live there. She may have had relationship with grandson for some time, to be able to move into grandmas' house that easily.
Which brings some question onto grandson's motives/actions.
OTH....he may be OK---many friends & family still love their jailbirds, and can't bear to force them to make their own way in the world....tough love...so many families cannot bear to do that; it usually results in helping offenders keep repeating, unless and until they learn how to make their own way honestly.
But her living with another elder?
That is just tooooo tempting since she already was charged with that in past.
=Document everything.
=Keep up with her local police, to make sure they keep repeating well-checks, and writing up what they find.
=Contact that woman's parole officer and/or their local police to get them on it.
=If Mom is still classed as being competent, but is having some glitches in her reasoning and such, document those, and perhaps approach her Doctor, to see what can be done from there, explaining what is going on.
=Once some well-checks have been done, contact APS &/or Social Services, to report what is happening.
=Keep on it.
=Keep visiting, and keep things as friendly as possible, to prevent them getting nasty as a pre-emptive move against you.
Good luck!