A 43 year old grandson has been living with my 97 year old mother in law for many years. Recently he became engaged to a lady we had never met. We came from another state to discover this 'lady' has moved in with the grandson and grandma. We were shocked to see she has taken over the house, moving Grandma's clothes to a smaller corner of the closet so she could fill up the entire other side with her clothes etc. Her mail and magazines are coming there, including collection letters. AND worse still, we learned this lady was arrested last week for using a credit card from another elderly lady without her permission and spent $30,000! (She supposedly was helping her) This lady, who is no lady, should not be in this house. She is currently out on bail and has a hearing in a couple weeks. My husband asked her to leave and the grandson is refusing to have her go, they ran to Grandma, and Grandma said they both could stay! Grandma is being duped! We are beside ourselves! How do we get this woman out when Grandma says it is OK? This is a HUGE problem. We live out of state too, Any ideas or where we can turn for help?
Concentrate on protecting mom's accounts, if giving up closet space does not bother her, do not let it bother you. If having this woman run her house is acceptable to her, do not let it bother you. Monitor the situation. Unless gran is incompetent, if she chooses to have roommates she may do so.
I am not saying you do not have just cause for worries, but I believe the problem is the grandson, for bringing this woman into his grandmmother's house.
Did 43 move in to take care of granny or because he wanted a free place to live?
Is this lady the sort of person he typically hangs with? IF he is a freeloader, is it a surprise he hooked up with this sort of person? Is he just being vulnerable and can he be open to an intervention? Monitor the situation for fraud and report if you find evidence. Let them know you will be looking.
Since you do not describe grandson as your son, assume he is a nephew. Where are his parents?
We had a niece that my mother raised that was an unsavory character. After she became an adult she left her first child to be raised by my mother. The girl was my niece’s leverage in manipulating my mother for mother and babysitting her other children. The niece ended up spending all of my mother’s money. Stole some of my dad’s funeral money and half of my mom’s jewelry.
I lived 11 hours away from them but went once a month to make sure all was being taken care of.
I gradually took over their finances. My mom with dementia wasn’t paying bills and they had liens on the house. At the same time I put the squeeze on the niece.
The problem was that my mom kept giving her blank checks and her ATM debit card. The girl spent money like it was hers. I filed with APS, CPS and filed forgery charges against her. The problem was that my mother always defended her and none of the authorities would do anything unless my mother pressed charges.
It’s a horrible situation to be in. Watching someone else take advantage of your mother.
If you have DPOA it helps.
You need to start documenting everything. Report everything. Make sure there is a paper trail for all activities. Get on your mom’s checking account and don’t allow her to have a debit card or checks. Who is paying the bills for her? If it is the grandson it is going to be difficult to change or take control of the situation.
I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you. The elderly are so very vulnerable to people. We don’t get to choose our family. Develop a friendship with her neighbors to call you whenever they see something happening that shouldn’t. Or hire someone to look in on her periodically.
I don't know what state, or county in your state that you are located in, but one such agency is HHSA (Health and Human Services). Look up the one where she lives under State, & the correct county. There will be an 800 number. You can report anything, even your hunch, and it will remain completely confidential. Do you know any of her neighbors? Can you also give that neighbor the number too? Also tell them, that it will remain strictly confidential, and their name and what they report will NOT be disclosed.
Next, a social worker will be assigned to the case, to go to the home to investigate. If she/he notices any signs of the above mentioned forms of abuse, that person will notify the correct authorities. The correct authorities will contains: police, probation, lawyer for the elderly, and so forth. If you call the probation department directly the individual in question will be aware, and you don't want to alienate your grandson, and that may not be confidential.
This is a complicated situation, since it is not only the person in question, but involves 2 people, one of which is your grandson.
If HHSA decides she is committing an act of abuse (financial, physical, emotional, ADL's - food, water, bathing), she will be removed from the premises by law enforcement and arrested.
The next step will be the hardest. If your grandson will still be living there, a lawyer will be needed. He may let her back into the house, since they are married. A lawyer will have to take steps further, since it is not one person, but two. He will have to find another place to live, since he is allowing a person into the house that is not in the best interest of your Grandma. If he will willingly move out, than that is fine, if not, that is where it becomes complicated.
Next a CHHA agency will need to have people to go help your Grandma with food, bathing, cleaning, doctor's appointments, etc.
If both individuals are out, and no longer living there, the locks must be changed immediately.
Please follow through on this, if your "gut feeling" is correct, than you were justifiably "the eyes and ears" for your Grandma. If it turns out that she is perfectly fine, than no harm was done.
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