My wife was diagnosed in late 2019. As her illness worsened, I was her only caretaker, though Kindred Hospice assisted during her last 2 months. Her family and friends were aware of her illness from the beginning of our 6-1/2 year marriage, without mentioning it to me until late 2019. During 2020, they only visited about 3 times, and never called to inquire of her condition, or mine. One son and his family live only 15 miles away in Reno; the other son lives in San Francisco, yet he could easily call. Since her death, they never even once, call to see how I am (I'm 82 in March). I'm very lonely, though I have a small farm to run. Good neighbors, but we all keep to ourselves. I have 2 grandsons - one in Elko, NV, about 5 hours away and the other is about 10 miles away, but doesn't drive. They do call me, but how do I handle my wife's family's lack of consideration?
In time maybe you can work on building a life for yourself. Keep in touch with your grandsons and your own family. Is there a place near your farm where you can go for a meal to socialize with some neighbors?
"You cannot make people care about you." Never was there a truer statement made as unfortunate as that may be.
And I say the same thing - let her family go their own way; it's their loss!
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your wife on October 23rd.
I want you to know that you are not the only one that experiences this sort of thing. Even when the person with the illness is still alive, we often see friends disappear as well as family.
The few that suspected something wasn't quite right with my mom (one of her siblings and her ex son-in-law of my half sister) never told me either. I was angry as I might have been able to have her evaluated sooner and got her on medication (she has Alzheimer's - but she does pretty good for having it over 10 years now).
In my childhood home where my mom continued to live up until early 2015, our longtime neighbor promised to visit her when I moved her to her ALF. Unfortunately, they tried to interfere with my selling of her house, got angry that I figured out what they were up to and calling them out on it politely but, firmly. Obviously, not only did the neighbor never go to see my mom but, wouldn't even take my call so never heard from them again. One of our other close family friends kept promising my mom to go see her but, never did. I told her point blank "please do not keep telling my mom you will visit her when you have no intention of doing so." She still did it even saying she'd meet us for her birthday - she never showed up, called me and said she couldn't find my mom's facility even though I drew her a map. I asked her if she stopped and asked someone where such and such place is - nope. I caught her several times alluding to not wanting to see my mom because she wanted to remember her as she was. I know my mom was hurt and I hurt for her. All she has is my husband and I.
She nearly died in April from severe dehydration and COVID. I asked one person to make the calls as I was upset with all of my extended family. They didn't bother to call my husband and I either to offer support or even suggestions - just silence. My mom will be 96 in February, has been discharged from hospice oversight Friday and will never walk again. I don't have extended family in our state. My husband has two older siblings who live 1/2 hour away and an hour away. We don't hear from them either unless they have a crisis or my husband calls them.
So I feel for you since you have a small farm to take care of which tells me you're in a small area where you don't have contact with many people (as well as the pandemic situation) so I'm sure you are extremely lonely.
I don't know how you handle your wife's family's lack of consideration. For me, my mom has 5 remaining siblings, all in other states ranging in age from 76 to 90. I hate to say it but in my case I am in contact with just one of her siblings (my uncle and his wife) and their oldest daughter (my cousin). The rest I have let go of - my mom and I spent most of our lives attending family reunions (as my dad didn't enjoy going) in Denver, Montana, Washington State and Nebraska and now when they are needed most, they are nowhere to be found. I'm done with them and my husband and I are going about our lives. I am so glad to have reunited after 40 years with my cousin - that's the bright spot for me.
That being said, unfortunately it's at these difficult times that we truly know who our friends really are and the closeness or lack thereof with extended family. I wish it weren't so.
I know the upcoming holidays will be especially difficult and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - that God would somehow fill your inner loneliness and you would feel His presence in your life.
May He give you peace as you continue grieving the loss of not just your wife but, the connections to family/friends.
It works both ways. You could also call them.
Maybe they don't think you really care if they call since they're on your wife's side of the family?
You mentioned they only visited her 3 times.
Maybe you can go to Church or call and speak with the Preacher about this and I'm sure their are Church Members and Friends that would be happy to visit you.
Sone people just don't know what to say after someone's loved one dies so they do and say nothing.
Sad but since you're the one suffering, Please Reach Out.
You might even find a meeting with others that had a Spouse Die.
Prayers for you during this time.
all I can say is forgive them and pray for them. They don’t understand. I sent them boxes of his things. If they contacted me I would act like everything is fine, they have enough grief.
I will pray for you
A Grief Support group that encourages participants to share their stories might be helpful to you. We have several men in the Grief Support groups I work with, and they find great comfort in being able to talk about how they are feeling. Men are less likely than women to have many people they talk to openly, so a support group can bring much solace.
When you are able, begin to look for activities and community involvements that interest you. You will build new friendships and social contacts and won't miss emotionally distant "family" much at all.
As you move ahead, you will begin to find other people who need support and encouragement from you and your life will become fuller again with these new relationships.
I saw that someone mentioned Griefshare.
It is a very good program.
With Covid, I’m not sure how they meet. You must me good working a computer or phone so check out Griefshare.org
They may use ZOOM to meet.
Use FaceTime or Zoom to talk with the grandsons. Learn a video game to play online with them. Get an Apple Watch or some device that detects a fall or you can use to get help if needed.
You sound like a busy man.
Walk. Take care of yourself. Watch church on TV
Do chair yoga. Make a memory book of your life or your marriage. Take pictures of your farm and make a photo book. Stay safe but stay busy.
God’s blessings to you.
Their attitude is not admirable. But...
You have to take them as they are, not as they ought to be.
I think it is very healthy on your part to have recognised that loneliness is a real and serious issue for you. More calls or visits from people whom, let's face it, you don't know well and have no particular reason to be fond of wouldn't do a lot to change that. Have you given much thought to your options, looking ahead? There are plenty, you know! :)
Sounds like either the "children" were either not close to their mom or couldn't handle the dementia issues. Without discussing it with them, there's no way to know. If they weren't very close, then they did their "duty", visiting a few times. If it was because of her condition, that is a common issue - some can't handle dementia or figure out how to "deal" with it.
My OB visited mom by himself once when he was here a week or so to help clear out her condo (she was in MC already, close to 2 years.) When I suggested he visit her again a day or 2 later, he refused to go back, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Sure, she repeated a lot and with bad hearing it was hard sometimes, but you just do your best! Nope. He wouldn't go. I would bet even if he was local he would not have visited again. He hasn't even asked about her in the 2.5+ years since then.
This is so sad, because when he showed up the first time with me on his arrival, her reaction was so overwhelming - not like the greetings I get ("What are you doing here? Where'd you come from?") Clearly she was overjoyed to see him and hug him, yet he couldn't even muster up enough to make another visit. It does happen.
Why they don't reach out to you? You really would have to ask them if you've said or done something. You need to reach out, either by phone or a letter, to make contact. Perhaps they don't want any relationship or perhaps they don't know how to deal with someone who has lost a LO, even though it is their LO too. As others suggested, when you phone or write, ask about them, how they are doing, what's new, etc. While it's nice to have someone to commiserate with, that could put a damper on any contact with them. If you can't avoid talking about your late wife, try to keep discussions about their mother light, remembering fun things she did or said, etc and avoid the trials and tribulations you went through. That's best shared here or with a counselor (even good friends will drift away if you harp on all the bad news.) But the primary focus if you contact them should be asking about them. If they don't respond to a letter or seem rather abrupt on the phone, most likely they don't want contact. It happens even when it is their own parent, not "mom's husband."
So, make an attempt or two at contact. If they aren't receptive, then just move on. Enjoy time talking with your grandsons. Plan some fun outings with them. Try to get out and mingle with others, to make new friends. Volunteer to help others or dogs/cats and you can build your relationship circle bigger, without them. You sound like a very caring person, don't let that go to waste!
In the meantime, please consider joining a grief group like GriefShare. The next year will be so much different without your spouse. People who have walked this road can help you in your journey. God bless.
You say her family knew about her illness 6.5 years ago, but she was diagnosed in 2019. This is confusing.
I am surprised that they visited at all in 2020. I have not seen my Dad since October 2019. I usually would see him a few times a year, but due to Covid it just has not been possible in 2020. I have spoken to him perhaps 3 times. It is not easy to talk to him for a number of reasons.
My stepdad died 2 years ago. His daughter does keep in touch with my Mum, but his son and family do not. They were together for 26 years. I do not keep in touch with either of them. I do not have contact info for them and that is ok by me.
When my Granny died, I had no interest in any contact with her former partner and they were together for 20+ years.
You appear to have been married to their mother for 6.5 years, I am not sure how long you knew each other before marriage. You are not their father, you were their mother's husband.
My mother complains endlessly that certain people do not call her, yet, she does not pick up the phone to call them. Last I checked phones worked both ways.
As you may have guessed this is a bone of contention with me. I have had several elders in my family that complain a great deal about not being called, yet they have 100 and 1 excuses to not make the call themselves. OP you may not fall into this category, perhaps you are calling your late wife's family and asking after her grandchildren.
I cannot call my former father in law, a man I love dearly, as he cannot hear to use the phone, so I send him newsy emails very 3-4 months. I have no idea if he can access email anymore as I have not had a reply in 18 months, but I still choose to send them. Yes, you have read that correctly, I reach out with no expectation of a reply, to a man I am no longer related to by marriage several times a year.
In the profile it says:
"I'm disappointed that her family and friends knew she was showing early signs of dementia when I met her, but they kept that from me."
The original post says:
"Her family and friends were aware of her illness from the beginning of our 6-1/2 year marriage, without mentioning it to me until late 2019."
So it is rather confusing if you don't read both the profile and the question/statement. The post doesn't mention dementia.
If the OP didn't know a whole lot about dementia, he could have missed those very subtle early signs and/or she was very adept at pulling up her socks and appearing normal. I could see and hear the difference in my mother long before either brother could. They were pretty dismissive.
The point here is that there can be a gap between someone having early signs that are missed (so no Dx) vs tests later, when it becomes obvious there is an issue. Sounds like the family either knew or suspected, but said nothing.