My wife died Oct. 23. During her illness, her family only visited about 3 times. Since her death they don't call. How do I handle this?

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.

"The best way to get a letter is to send a letter". That is a quote from a kids' TV show that my granddaughter likes.

Send them all letters telling them how you are doing. It's okay to say you are lonely! Include your phone number.

I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. My husband's parents were divorced and both remarried when he and his brothers were young adults. "Blended" families are fraught with complex emotions and this might explain some of their distance, and sons in general tend to be less communicative or connected than daughters. It is definitely disappointing and painful when the expected or hoped-for support doesn't come. You had an expectation but there was never a promise it would be met, nor are they obligated to meet your expectations. This is a hard truth -- especially at a time when you sorely needed it and continue to need it.

I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you can choose to connect with them but I think they've made their level of interest and involvement abundantly clear already. Knowing what I've learned from my husband's "blended" family I wouldn't have any expectations from them going forward. Invest your emotional energy in local people who actually do seem interested in your life and continue seeking those good people. It's hard in the covid era, but when you are eventually able, join groups, clubs and faith-based organizations. Get your legal paperwork in order if you haven't done so already (assign a Power of Attorney, create your Advance Care Directive, be realistic about aging and decline and exiting, etc.) Your family is not obligated to be your caregivers so please talk to an elder law attorney who will give you solid legal guidance so you can make the best plan possible for your future. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart.

I am so sorry for your loss.

May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

I agree with Geaton and Barb, reach out to your stepchildren if you want to have contact with them. As far as your wife's illness and them knowing and not saying anything, well it wasn't theirs to tell, that was her responsibility to tell you. They were placed in an awkward position by her choice to not tell you, so I would let that go.

First, I am very sorry for your loss. It's hard. I know. My husband of 26 years died in Sept. The fact that her own children only visited 3 times during her illness, says a whole lot. So really you should not be surprised that they haven't reached out to you, their stepfather, when they didn't even have time for their own mom. Family dynamics can be strange for sure, especially when they're blended. Perhaps they are dealing with guilt that they weren't more supportive in their mom's life, and now that she's gone, they're having regrets, and seeing or talking to you, just reminds them of how they failed their own mom. I don't know. It's just a thought. But like others are saying, you will probably need to make the first move by reaching out to them in whichever way you are comfortable, and then let them take it from there. I wish you peace, comfort, and even joy in the days, weeks and months ahead. God bless you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I love your profile. You have a very kind soul. Please don’t lose sight of that.

I’m quite sure that your wife fell in love with your kind heart and soul.

It does seem that a death or a divorce changes the dynamics in certain families, which is sad and unfortunate.

Some relationships in our lives are not meant to be permanent. Others last forever.

Express how you feel to the family members that you wish to have contact with. If they return a mutual interest, the relationship will blossom.

I can see that you are caring, intelligent, open to relationships.

I see that you met your wife with the help of a personal ad, good for you!

I urge you to remain involved in life.

I have a feeling that you enjoy your solitude but don’t wish to be a hermit!

If your family members don’t reciprocate your wishes to have a relationship and your neighbors stay to themselves, widen your scope.

I grew up next door to a woman that I absolutely adored.

I was friends with her daughter.

She was divorced at a time when divorced women were looked down on.

She was an artist. She went back to school when she was middle aged.

She got her degree, opened an art studio, made bazillions of trips to New York to visit the incredible art museums there.

She never remarried but she stayed involved in life. She was always hosting events in her home.

She taught me all sorts of interesting art.

She is now in a nursing home in Maine, near her daughter. Her kids are spread out. Her daughter is a professor in Maine. She has a son in AZ, and a son who remains here in New Orleans. She still paints and is in her 90’s.

You have a farm. I bet that you could teach younger people lots of things.

Take time to grieve. Grieve alone and if other family members decide to share their grief with you, grieve together.

You will always miss your wife. Please remember that she lives in your heart forever.

You had a tough time caring for her. It’s hard. Honor your feelings, move forward knowing that you did your very best.

I know that you are grateful for your health. I have a feeling that you will make the most of your life.

I would love to hear more about your farm.

I am a city gal but I have a huge appreciation for nature.

Take care.

I am with Geaton. This may sound harsh and sorry if it does, but to her family your were "Mom's husband" not their stepfather. The way I look at second marriages late in life where children are grown, the word "step" should not be used. You didn't raise her children so no bond. Your children and her children weren't raised together so no bond there either. How was your relationship the whole time you were married? Them seeing Mom only 3x and not being involved in her care when she was dying says it all to me. It would have been nice if they checked up on you but please don't expect it. I would expect more out of your grandsons.

I just lost a friend who all her life expected certain things out of people. And when they didn't live up to those expectations she got depressed and angry. Please don't do this to yourself. Let them go. At 82 maybe there should be changes in your life. Maybe move where there are more people and things to do. Maybe an independent living complex where you get an apartment, go to a dining room for meals, have activities and outings.

I am 71 and I am already aware that if my DH goes before me I will need to make changes. That I am going to need to make a new life for "me". Not that my girls won't be there but they will not be able to care for me or entertain me. Both have to work and have lives outside that. As the oldest and a girl I have learned not to expect. My brothers loved my Mom, I am sure of that, but they never went out of their way for her. It got done because I did it. I had my "mad" moments but after awhile I stopped expecting anything from them. Makes life so much easier. One brother lives 8hrs away and has said he won't come home now Mom is gone. Sad, huh, when I am still here and also another brother. I even have a friend I have had for 66 years but I have found I cannot expect certain things from her now. Its just how it is.

Just read ur profile. You seem to be an active man. All you have done in the past few years is care for someone. You may just need to give yourself some time to learn to just be with alone with you. I would not rush into anything. They say don't make any life changing decisions for a year after a spouses passing. It takes time give yourself that time.

Dear marjohn. My condolences on the loss of your wife. Losing one's wife is a major stressor to the surviving spouse. The loneliness is inevitable. If you're struggling with her passing, please go to Discussions and locate the post labeled “Have You Lost a Loved One This Year?” Maybe it can help.

Let it go. If you were married 6+ years and they didn't interact during that time period, it won't get better. Enjoy your grandsons, your local friends, and your farm. Those people probably had more concern about your wife and your life as a couple. Let them help you as your grieve her loss.

I am wondering if you were all very close during yours and your wife's marriage prior to her illness and death? Is this a radical change in closeness that has occurred only with her illness, and with her death?
I think when we are not close to people, or they to us, there is quite honestly little to be done. In Covid times we cannot visit one another. Surely a call to family periodically to touch bases would be good. Just ask how they are, what their family news is. Make it a brief call. Try not to focus on your loneliness during the call. Tell them what is happening on your farm. Just keep it brief.
I would focus then on neighbors and activities that, if not available in your area, may become so once covid is more under control.
I'm afraid until covid IS a thing of the past, we are all somewhat in the same boat. We aren't seeing family. We are left to solitaire games, puzzles, and what have you for entertainment. I would imagine you thank goodness for the farm and for keeping touch with the land, having things to do.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sorry for your loneliness. I think until it happens to us, this being alone, we don't honestly really think about it a lot. They are all younger, and they all have their own lives. Doesn't make it easier for you. But it's just a fact.

Condolences. Your wife’s family has no real responsibility to you. If they want to come visit they will; if they don’t they won’t.

Where you close to your wife's children before she got sick? As another poster pointed out you may be 'mom's husband' and not their 'stepfather'. My husband married me when my children were little so he helped raise them. If something happened to me I am sure they would still include him in their lives but that is the type of relationship they have. Now I like my husband's brother but we are not 'close'. If something happened to my husband I doubt I would be calling my brother in law often. That is just not the relationship we have.

I am sorry for your loss, but I wonder about a couple of you points.

You say her family knew about her illness 6.5 years ago, but she was diagnosed in 2019. This is confusing.

I am surprised that they visited at all in 2020. I have not seen my Dad since October 2019. I usually would see him a few times a year, but due to Covid it just has not been possible in 2020. I have spoken to him perhaps 3 times. It is not easy to talk to him for a number of reasons.

My stepdad died 2 years ago. His daughter does keep in touch with my Mum, but his son and family do not. They were together for 26 years. I do not keep in touch with either of them. I do not have contact info for them and that is ok by me.

When my Granny died, I had no interest in any contact with her former partner and they were together for 20+ years.

You appear to have been married to their mother for 6.5 years, I am not sure how long you knew each other before marriage. You are not their father, you were their mother's husband.

My mother complains endlessly that certain people do not call her, yet, she does not pick up the phone to call them. Last I checked phones worked both ways.

As you may have guessed this is a bone of contention with me. I have had several elders in my family that complain a great deal about not being called, yet they have 100 and 1 excuses to not make the call themselves. OP you may not fall into this category, perhaps you are calling your late wife's family and asking after her grandchildren.

I cannot call my former father in law, a man I love dearly, as he cannot hear to use the phone, so I send him newsy emails very 3-4 months. I have no idea if he can access email anymore as I have not had a reply in 18 months, but I still choose to send them. Yes, you have read that correctly, I reach out with no expectation of a reply, to a man I am no longer related to by marriage several times a year.

So sorry for your loss: first the loss of your dear wife and second the realization of the loss of family support. You can't make them call you, but you can call them and try to open up room for relationships to develop. If they rebuff your friendship, then turn to friends - and make new friendships - to fill the void. It no wonder that the Bible has a verse that says "there exists a friend that is closer than a brother." Go find that person.

In the meantime, please consider joining a grief group like GriefShare. The next year will be so much different without your spouse. People who have walked this road can help you in your journey. God bless.

Sympathies on the loss of your wife.

Sounds like either the "children" were either not close to their mom or couldn't handle the dementia issues. Without discussing it with them, there's no way to know. If they weren't very close, then they did their "duty", visiting a few times. If it was because of her condition, that is a common issue - some can't handle dementia or figure out how to "deal" with it.

My OB visited mom by himself once when he was here a week or so to help clear out her condo (she was in MC already, close to 2 years.) When I suggested he visit her again a day or 2 later, he refused to go back, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Sure, she repeated a lot and with bad hearing it was hard sometimes, but you just do your best! Nope. He wouldn't go. I would bet even if he was local he would not have visited again. He hasn't even asked about her in the 2.5+ years since then.

This is so sad, because when he showed up the first time with me on his arrival, her reaction was so overwhelming - not like the greetings I get ("What are you doing here? Where'd you come from?") Clearly she was overjoyed to see him and hug him, yet he couldn't even muster up enough to make another visit. It does happen.

Why they don't reach out to you? You really would have to ask them if you've said or done something. You need to reach out, either by phone or a letter, to make contact. Perhaps they don't want any relationship or perhaps they don't know how to deal with someone who has lost a LO, even though it is their LO too. As others suggested, when you phone or write, ask about them, how they are doing, what's new, etc. While it's nice to have someone to commiserate with, that could put a damper on any contact with them. If you can't avoid talking about your late wife, try to keep discussions about their mother light, remembering fun things she did or said, etc and avoid the trials and tribulations you went through. That's best shared here or with a counselor (even good friends will drift away if you harp on all the bad news.) But the primary focus if you contact them should be asking about them. If they don't respond to a letter or seem rather abrupt on the phone, most likely they don't want contact. It happens even when it is their own parent, not "mom's husband."

So, make an attempt or two at contact. If they aren't receptive, then just move on. Enjoy time talking with your grandsons. Plan some fun outings with them. Try to get out and mingle with others, to make new friends. Volunteer to help others or dogs/cats and you can build your relationship circle bigger, without them. You sound like a very caring person, don't let that go to waste!

I am sorry about your loss, your wife, and the absence of her family. Support sometimes can come from other than family. I am glad you reached out online.

This is what it sounds like: they were very relieved that you took your wife off their hands and their consciences, and now they'd rather not think about it.

Their attitude is not admirable. But...

You have to take them as they are, not as they ought to be.

I think it is very healthy on your part to have recognised that loneliness is a real and serious issue for you. More calls or visits from people whom, let's face it, you don't know well and have no particular reason to be fond of wouldn't do a lot to change that. Have you given much thought to your options, looking ahead? There are plenty, you know! :)

You cannot sit and stress over them. Celebrate and enjoy what you have

I’m sorry for your loss, both of your wife and of the relationships you wanted to have. There’s no harm in reaching out, if you can do so without placing any guilt or blame, wishing them well in the holiday season and letting them know you’d enjoy them keeping in touch. Also know that acceptable is a gift you give yourself, accepting a situation or people as it as, and stopping the expectation that it will be more. I’m glad you have some family and community around you and hope you can continue to build on those relationships

You sound very caring for others. My sympathies to you.
I saw that someone mentioned Griefshare.
It is a very good program.
With Covid, I’m not sure how they meet. You must me good working a computer or phone so check out Griefshare.org
They may use ZOOM to meet.
Use FaceTime or Zoom to talk with the grandsons. Learn a video game to play online with them. Get an Apple Watch or some device that detects a fall or you can use to get help if needed.
You sound like a busy man.
Walk. Take care of yourself. Watch church on TV
Do chair yoga. Make a memory book of your life or your marriage. Take pictures of your farm and make a photo book. Stay safe but stay busy.
God’s blessings to you.

As others have advised, looking ahead and outward will help your journey through grief and lonlines. Don't rely on your wife's uncaring family. They may see you as a late-comer into their lives and their mother's and not feel much attachment to you.

A Grief Support group that encourages participants to share their stories might be helpful to you. We have several men in the Grief Support groups I work with, and they find great comfort in being able to talk about how they are feeling. Men are less likely than women to have many people they talk to openly, so a support group can bring much solace.

When you are able, begin to look for activities and community involvements that interest you. You will build new friendships and social contacts and won't miss emotionally distant "family" much at all.

As you move ahead, you will begin to find other people who need support and encouragement from you and your life will become fuller again with these new relationships.

My husband passed on September 21. I was his caregiver for a few years. The pain is hard. I also have not heard from his family. We were married 12 years and I’m just glad he doesn’t know how they have acted
all I can say is forgive them and pray for them. They don’t understand. I sent them boxes of his things. If they contacted me I would act like everything is fine, they have enough grief.
I will pray for you

Eloise, I am sorry you are going through this. How awful that they have not contacted you. You sound like a very strong, kind and loving woman. I would give you a hug and a Christmas present if I could. I hope you have friends and your own family to console and show you love. You sound like you certainly deserve it. Best wishes to you.

I don't know what the relationship among all of you was but it is obvious for whatever reasons they are just selfish and simply don't have it in them to do what would be decent. I hate to say it but there are many, many of these people in society. They just don't care or have their own perceived reasons why they don't do this or that. Face the fact - it is what it is and as wrong as it seems, you are not going to change it - and if you did, it would be "phony". Once you realize how people are, and if what they do has a negative impact on you and your life, please get tough and walk away and never look back. They simply are not worth it. Seek out new connections and try to find things in your life to make it worthwhile to live. You don't really have a choice but to move on and let the past die off. Been there, done that.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and then the avoidance by your family. Clearly family connections mean more to some of us than others. I can so relate. People like us know when push comes to shove, it's family who will, or should we hope, be there. And sadly the reality is that is not the case for many of us. In the past few months I had a life threatening illness and am recuperating. My only sibling, an out of state sibling, showed up for a week or less. I am looking after, and live with our elder parents. She is spared all the worry, details, physical labor...or yes, she did offer to do what she could sitting on her little ass...pay their bills, which would leave me in the dark wondering and add another person to the mix which could make it all the more confusing so I said no thanks to that. On top of it she has been virtually non communicative, and had the nerve to not only blame me for my illness (my fault for not habitually seeing MD, and I should have known I have high blood pressure--which can be a contributing factor but is not the only cause of what happened which comes on suddenly)In retropsect, I'm surprised she even came at all. And after? She upset me greatly with the blame, and no apologies for that; and even more tallied up her expenses including airfare at the last minute and "incidentals" down to the penny! Expected ME to write her a check from parent's funds. This is the ethics/morals of someone who wants control of finances to pay bills? I told her they were NOT my funds (I am POA) and if she wanted money to ask her father. If he wanted me to write a check he would tell me and I would follow through. Apparently she doesn't have the guts to do that because she feels some remorse? Who knows. Not to defend her, but she is out of work and does have some unexpected expenses. But it all is so hurtful.

Send them a Christmas card telling them that you get pretty lonely and would love for them to visit you.

It works both ways. You could also call them.

Maybe they don't think you really care if they call since they're on your wife's side of the family?

You mentioned they only visited her 3 times.

Maybe you can go to Church or call and speak with the Preacher about this and I'm sure their are Church Members and Friends that would be happy to visit you.

Sone people just don't know what to say after someone's loved one dies so they do and say nothing.

Sad but since you're the one suffering, Please Reach Out.

You might even find a meeting with others that had a Spouse Die.

Prayers for you during this time.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is terrible how some people are just so inconsiderate. My aunt was married for 30 years and after her husband passed, his children has ceased to contact her. And that was after 30 years! It’s a shame. Maybe they need time to grieve themselves before reaching out to you but if they never do I wish you peace and hope you will find comfort. God bless.

Dear "marjohn1939,"

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your wife on October 23rd.

I want you to know that you are not the only one that experiences this sort of thing. Even when the person with the illness is still alive, we often see friends disappear as well as family.

The few that suspected something wasn't quite right with my mom (one of her siblings and her ex son-in-law of my half sister) never told me either. I was angry as I might have been able to have her evaluated sooner and got her on medication (she has Alzheimer's - but she does pretty good for having it over 10 years now).

In my childhood home where my mom continued to live up until early 2015, our longtime neighbor promised to visit her when I moved her to her ALF. Unfortunately, they tried to interfere with my selling of her house, got angry that I figured out what they were up to and calling them out on it politely but, firmly. Obviously, not only did the neighbor never go to see my mom but, wouldn't even take my call so never heard from them again. One of our other close family friends kept promising my mom to go see her but, never did. I told her point blank "please do not keep telling my mom you will visit her when you have no intention of doing so." She still did it even saying she'd meet us for her birthday - she never showed up, called me and said she couldn't find my mom's facility even though I drew her a map. I asked her if she stopped and asked someone where such and such place is - nope. I caught her several times alluding to not wanting to see my mom because she wanted to remember her as she was. I know my mom was hurt and I hurt for her. All she has is my husband and I.

She nearly died in April from severe dehydration and COVID. I asked one person to make the calls as I was upset with all of my extended family. They didn't bother to call my husband and I either to offer support or even suggestions - just silence. My mom will be 96 in February, has been discharged from hospice oversight Friday and will never walk again. I don't have extended family in our state. My husband has two older siblings who live 1/2 hour away and an hour away. We don't hear from them either unless they have a crisis or my husband calls them.

So I feel for you since you have a small farm to take care of which tells me you're in a small area where you don't have contact with many people (as well as the pandemic situation) so I'm sure you are extremely lonely.

I don't know how you handle your wife's family's lack of consideration. For me, my mom has 5 remaining siblings, all in other states ranging in age from 76 to 90. I hate to say it but in my case I am in contact with just one of her siblings (my uncle and his wife) and their oldest daughter (my cousin). The rest I have let go of - my mom and I spent most of our lives attending family reunions (as my dad didn't enjoy going) in Denver, Montana, Washington State and Nebraska and now when they are needed most, they are nowhere to be found. I'm done with them and my husband and I are going about our lives. I am so glad to have reunited after 40 years with my cousin - that's the bright spot for me.

That being said, unfortunately it's at these difficult times that we truly know who our friends really are and the closeness or lack thereof with extended family. I wish it weren't so.

I know the upcoming holidays will be especially difficult and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - that God would somehow fill your inner loneliness and you would feel His presence in your life.

May He give you peace as you continue grieving the loss of not just your wife but, the connections to family/friends.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your wife. Let her family go their own way. You cannot make people care about you.
In time maybe you can work on building a life for yourself. Keep in touch with your grandsons and your own family. Is there a place near your farm where you can go for a meal to socialize with some neighbors?

marjohn1939: Firstly, let me say that I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife. I send to you deepest condolences. Secondly, let me say that I am very sorry about your family's inconsiderateness. However, do not hold out for any sympathies from them. Sadly, you cannot change some individuals, whether they are family or not. Build a life for yourself with those who care, e.g. a grief support group, a church, et al.

You can't make them stay in contact. Can't Change them either. Enjoy the time with whoever you have. Thank goodness for your neighbors too. I'm sorry for your heartache. I too have a dysfunctional family. I envy families that enjoy and love each other.