3 years ago; my older sister insisted our newly widowed, elderly mother go live with her. My sister and I live on opposite sides of the country. It seemed to be what my Mother wanted too. After a year of phone calls assuring me everything was fine, the situation came to a head and my Mother landed in my newly empty nest. My entire life changed in the blink of an eye. I am a divorced grandmother with a full-time job and a long term lease on a 2nd floor walk up; I have no other family within hundreds of miles. It's important to know that I'd made conscious trade-offs in order to have my life arranged the way I wanted it; including refusing to be in a relationship or even date. I'd traded wealth, security and sex for my independence.
My Mother has never lived independently. She went from her parents' home to marriage. She'd never made a decision without input from someone else; and she isn't even aware of how intimate certain things are, she doesn't understand why I wouldn't be interested or even capable of that kind of intimacy. It's so intrinsic to her existence, I don't think she's aware that other people exist outside of it.
So I'm drained. I am unable to feel compassion or empathy. I don't feel anything apart from resentment and a silent desperation. I'm being treated for depression and anxiety; but I'm so empty that I'm struggling cognitively. I can't concentrate or remember what I was thinking or saying. I know I have a moral obligation to care for my mother; but I'm worried it's costing me my health and it may cost me my job.
None of those things is life threatening. All are chronic health issues. She needs to be around people her own age. Time to find a senior community that fits her budget.
Mother was widowed three years ago. What to do? How and where would she best be supported as she made this huge adjustment?
Older sister - let us make no comment for now - decided and mother agreed that living with older sister was the answer.
One year later, "the situation came to a head."
?!?!?! I don't like to pry, but..?
Meanwhile, OP's child/ren had left home and there OP was with a bedroom to spare. And somehow - ? - it was decided that living with younger sister (the OP, that is) was the answer.
And who exactly decided that?
LNH, if you don't mind my abbreviating you, I don't personally dispute at all your assertion that there is a moral obligation to care for one's parent. I might qualify it, but in any case if you think there is for you, then there is.
But work on your definition of "care for." There is NO moral obligation to move your parent with her incompatible personality into your house and blow up your life. Other methods are available!
Sister is a retired nurse on her third husband. She had 5 grown children, with whom she has various levels of strained relationships with. When my father was dying, she made her first visit to them in 20 years; and took over. She convinced my Mom that she was the best option because she was an RN and retired; but she was not emotionally equipped to handle the situation.
I realize that my Mom's expectations were unrealistic too. I think she fully expected replacement companionship at the same level she had with my father. As a new widow, she'd never not been part of a "we". I don't think she even realized that she was attempting to transfer that "we" thing to, first my sister, then to me. I finally had to explain it to her; but took me a little time to figure out what it was that was making me so uncomfortable. Apparently, my sister never figured it out and never addressed it other than reacting in fits of rage.
Now, the situation is that she really needs to be in residential care. Getting her in and out of my 2nd floor apartment is becoming more and more difficult for her. When she first came to live with me, she made the statement that when she couldn't get up the stairs, she'd go to a nursing home; but with COVID, her doctor will not make that recommendation. Just now, she came in to tell me she's in medical distress, but doesn't want to go to the doctor because she doesn't think she can get back into the apartment. She asked me "what should I do?".
Your roles are reversed. If you are mentally and physically tapped, you cannot help your parent.
As many here have said, 'moral obligation' does NOT mean you are the physical caregiver. Take care of your mom by finding a place for her or bringing in a medical companion. Benefits.gov is one resource to find federal/state resources. The questionnaire is long, so if that's too much, try FindHelp.org.
And since presenteeism is likely contributing to your distress, talk with your HR/EAP to see if you can get a short leave of absence before your doctor orders one for you.
Best wishes for the well-being and peace of mind for you and your mom.
If caring your mother is beyond your abilities, then it is time to consider other options. Talk with your sibling(s) about other options: home health care aides while mom is awake and cared for in a set aside place in a family member's home, senior or assisted living (if she has the resources and ability to care for herself with a little help), or long term care residential facility if she needs a lot of her care met by others. Also have your sibling(s) help you with researching resources (home health care agencies, apartments, LTC) in your own respective communities. Many times care is less expensive - and more do-able - in one community than another in another province or state.
Caring for a parent is about making sure he/she is safe and healthy, not necessarily about providing the care yourself.
I am hoping to return to my part-time job (most likely continuing as prior to work mostly remotely).
I know it's a rough time to make decisions, but you might want to connect with your local Area Agency on Aging and see what in home services you and your mother qualify for. It might be enough to help you. I wish you so well...and no matter what, you remember, you are a good person, and you are not alone...we are so with you. Sending hugs.
You may want to consider other options before that happens.
I was bedridden after two months of my mother in my home. It was IMPOSSIBLE to continue. I don’t understand why people guilt others into what was their choice for THEIR LO. Not every LO has the same needs and challenges.
Colleen
If she has no other relatives that she can stay with and you are no longer able to care for her and neither you nor her have the finds to hire a Caregiver to give you a break then all that is left is to take her to a couple Senior Places to chose which one she likes unless she is capable of living in her own Senior Apartment.
Prayers
Lealonnie’s post is excellent! She and many other posters gave me the same advice, “Take your life back.”
You will feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you surrender caring for your mom.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
My mother is like a 5 year old and always has been; same as your mother in that she went from her parents home to her husbands home, and was coddled her whole life, never had to pay a bill or make any decisions except what pair of shoes looked best with which outfit. She even stopped driving b/c it made her 'too nervous' and when my father developed a brain tumor & could no longer drive, she put her foot down even harder & refused to do a single thing to help him.
Long story short, I placed both of them in Assisted Living after dad fell and broke a hip in Independent Living. The rehab would not release him back to IL, even under the pretense that mother would 'care for him'. So Assisted Living it was, which turned out to be a huge godsend for both of them, AND for me, their only child.
My dad passed away shortly after the move to AL, and my mother is still alive, at almost 94, and still living in the same AL, but in the Memory Care bldg nowadays. She's fine...........why? Because she's taken care of by others. It's perfect. I pay all her bills, make all her decisions, buy all of her supplies, clothing, make doctor arrangements, hospitals, you name it, I do it. But from 4 miles away.
I maintain MY life while she has HER life 4 miles away. I'm still 'caring for' my mother, just not inside of my home. When dad was on his deathbed and asked me to take care of mom, I agreed, and I'm still doing so............some 5.5 years later.
Right from the very beginning I let it be known that NO ELDERS would be moving in with me. And they haven't. Make up YOUR mind now and figure out how to get your mother out of YOUR house and into an apartment in either Independent Living or Assisted Living. She'll be fine b/c you can manage her life FOR her, like I do, but she won't have to live WITH you while you do it.
Take your life back, my friend. You deserve to. You CAN care for mom AND yourself at the same time. Make it happen!