3 years ago; my older sister insisted our newly widowed, elderly mother go live with her. My sister and I live on opposite sides of the country. It seemed to be what my Mother wanted too. After a year of phone calls assuring me everything was fine, the situation came to a head and my Mother landed in my newly empty nest. My entire life changed in the blink of an eye. I am a divorced grandmother with a full-time job and a long term lease on a 2nd floor walk up; I have no other family within hundreds of miles. It's important to know that I'd made conscious trade-offs in order to have my life arranged the way I wanted it; including refusing to be in a relationship or even date. I'd traded wealth, security and sex for my independence.
My Mother has never lived independently. She went from her parents' home to marriage. She'd never made a decision without input from someone else; and she isn't even aware of how intimate certain things are, she doesn't understand why I wouldn't be interested or even capable of that kind of intimacy. It's so intrinsic to her existence, I don't think she's aware that other people exist outside of it.
So I'm drained. I am unable to feel compassion or empathy. I don't feel anything apart from resentment and a silent desperation. I'm being treated for depression and anxiety; but I'm so empty that I'm struggling cognitively. I can't concentrate or remember what I was thinking or saying. I know I have a moral obligation to care for my mother; but I'm worried it's costing me my health and it may cost me my job.
My mother is like a 5 year old and always has been; same as your mother in that she went from her parents home to her husbands home, and was coddled her whole life, never had to pay a bill or make any decisions except what pair of shoes looked best with which outfit. She even stopped driving b/c it made her 'too nervous' and when my father developed a brain tumor & could no longer drive, she put her foot down even harder & refused to do a single thing to help him.
Long story short, I placed both of them in Assisted Living after dad fell and broke a hip in Independent Living. The rehab would not release him back to IL, even under the pretense that mother would 'care for him'. So Assisted Living it was, which turned out to be a huge godsend for both of them, AND for me, their only child.
My dad passed away shortly after the move to AL, and my mother is still alive, at almost 94, and still living in the same AL, but in the Memory Care bldg nowadays. She's fine...........why? Because she's taken care of by others. It's perfect. I pay all her bills, make all her decisions, buy all of her supplies, clothing, make doctor arrangements, hospitals, you name it, I do it. But from 4 miles away.
I maintain MY life while she has HER life 4 miles away. I'm still 'caring for' my mother, just not inside of my home. When dad was on his deathbed and asked me to take care of mom, I agreed, and I'm still doing so............some 5.5 years later.
Right from the very beginning I let it be known that NO ELDERS would be moving in with me. And they haven't. Make up YOUR mind now and figure out how to get your mother out of YOUR house and into an apartment in either Independent Living or Assisted Living. She'll be fine b/c you can manage her life FOR her, like I do, but she won't have to live WITH you while you do it.
Take your life back, my friend. You deserve to. You CAN care for mom AND yourself at the same time. Make it happen!
Lealonnie’s post is excellent! She and many other posters gave me the same advice, “Take your life back.”
You will feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you surrender caring for your mom.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
You may want to consider other options before that happens.
I was bedridden after two months of my mother in my home. It was IMPOSSIBLE to continue. I don’t understand why people guilt others into what was their choice for THEIR LO. Not every LO has the same needs and challenges.
Colleen
If caring your mother is beyond your abilities, then it is time to consider other options. Talk with your sibling(s) about other options: home health care aides while mom is awake and cared for in a set aside place in a family member's home, senior or assisted living (if she has the resources and ability to care for herself with a little help), or long term care residential facility if she needs a lot of her care met by others. Also have your sibling(s) help you with researching resources (home health care agencies, apartments, LTC) in your own respective communities. Many times care is less expensive - and more do-able - in one community than another in another province or state.
Caring for a parent is about making sure he/she is safe and healthy, not necessarily about providing the care yourself.
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