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For instance, since my Mom passed I have found myself doing things spur of the moment more. Not weighing the pros and cons of things. Doing things that are in fact foolhardy. Going for walks in the middle of the night, for instance. Just throwing caution to the wind. Why would this be?


Any intellectual types out there who would like to tackle this question.

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CM,
Your loyal dog would not gnaw on your corpse - a cat however would relish your nose

Just say'n
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Caution has nothing to do with the loss of my mother, but moreso my aging. I used to think nothing of going to a store very late at night, but I now realize that would be very foolish at 70 years of age.
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I do like the idea of a support program for ex-caregivers. Momma has been gone one month today. I sit a lot. I achieve little, house is reasonably clean but I could do some work. Yard REALLY needs work...but I am rather mañana about it all. I seem to have no motivation beyond the necessities; lawyer, insurance renewal, arrange probate, get broken things fixed. I feel like I should be starting my life...but there isn't much eagerness to make plans. I have always been purpose driven; work, then care for Poppa, then care for Momma. So where is the purpose in life now? I am single, 58 and have been out of the work force for years. Momma's declined came so suddenly and quickly that I had not thought about what I would do when she was gone. Some ex-caregivers could use support/guidance through the transition. I am alone in this and I would like someone to please kick my butt in gear.

Could it be that I lived according to the needs and whims of my mother and felt I had no control in life? Would doing something daring or dangerous, and coming out the other side make me feel like I have control and thus make me more likely to start taking action? Maybe taking a night time walk is a somewhat safe but daring way to feel one is gaining back control of ones own life.
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Gershun, the only "dangerous" thing you mention is walking at night. For me it does sound risky, but I can also understand it's allure. The world in moonlight can be lovely and so quiet and peaceful. And walking at night can feel daring and doing daring things makes our senses alert and makes us feel more ALIVE. Caregiving can be a bit of death itself, as so many of your own desires and preferences must be pushed to the side. In the self sacrifice of care we must push ourselves aside for the sake of our loved ones.

I would not change my choices for a second, but having denied myself my preferred food, TV, music, activities, sleeping habits etc. for years, I can imagine how a night walk might be an enlivening experience....I'm just kinda chicken.
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I found I wasn't exactly alone revelling in my new-found freedom. But if one finds oneself doing something really crazy and harmful (to oneself or others) - it should be mentioned to a physician, who can refer you to a therapist. That's the way to go, instead of picking a name out of a phone book!.....Some medications can tamper with the brain, there are some that can actually incite you to start gambling, for example. Who knows what else? Perhaps these meds work on tearing down other inhibitions besides gambling.
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As I am aging, I find myself being much more cautious, physically, taking care going down the stairs and concentrating harder when driving....now, after my mother went into a nursing home, it was like an elephant stepped off of my chest and I felt as light and free as a canary flying out of a cage! I started buying a nice bottle of wine for dinner, as well as starting to actually buy ingredients and COOK again. (instead of staying sober waiting for a call from someone about some new mess, and maybe eating fast food once a day as I had no appetite and no time to cook). I could get up in the morning and decide I would drive to the lake for the day - alone! I got my dishwater hair cut and colored. These are small things, not 'living dangerously' exactly. But after the weight was off of me, I felt it was time to start living a little, before MY time ran out. Only a few short years are left, and after the horrible caregiving experience, I am going to make the best of them before it's too late.
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After my mom died a year ago I went on several shopping sprees - and you have to understand I don't shop maybe hit the mall once a year if that - but I just let loose and updated my wardrobe and so many cool boots now!! Not sure what it was but maybe in some way I was taking back charge of my life after having it "up ended" with taking care of elderly parents. It made me feel special - - so what the heck do what feels good and right for you whatever that maybe. Being a caregiver is no picnic!!
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As caregiver to 2 parents if find I am more cautious thinking 'what if I get hurt? who will help them?' much like a new parent - now your responsibility has ended that [maybe unconsciously] you are making up for lost time - it may seem reckless to you but is that in comparison with last few years where time also restricted your movements -

Assuming we do a semi-reckless thing once a month, like your late night walk, but you haven't done any for 60 months then you have a bank of things to do to catch up - the fact that you are aware of this change means it is most likely short term & quite possibly a part of your grieving process albeit more unusual than most but probably not unique to you only

While in grieving process some people demonstrate unusual things - would you thinking anything of saying 'good night' to a pix of your mom & blowing her a kiss? - not at first but what about many years later? -

It is same with you in that your readjustment is more acute due to time & effort put in with caregiving - just take the word 'caregiving' with its literal meaning 'giving care' & now you are 'carefree' with its literal meaning 'free of care' - so you are back to being at university & that is a very carefree time -

Give yourself time to enjoy a few things & don't beat yourself up too much for having some fun because you probably really, really deserve it - let us know how you are doing
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Wonderful conversation, I appreciate that it went back and forth, with various reflections and experiences. And you're right, there needs to be a special counseling focus on life for EX-caregivers.

I have to call to everyone's attention, the movie, "Hello, My Name is Doris" - with Sally Fields - Gershun you'll get an expanded view of someone who did explore beyond her world, after her mom died, when Doris had been her caregiver for decades - It's beautifully done.

I was active caregiver for my youngest brother, born with brain injury disabilities - I took on hte task of helping him adjust to an adult world - it was a huge and interesting task, that involved all my thinking and planning and practice of counseling informally, guiding advocacy on his behalf. I moved him 8 times over the years, in later years into places closer to the ground, and eventually into a nursing home. That freed me up, for they handled any emergencies. And he gets help with skills in a Brain Injury program.

I find it's a huge challenge to shift gears - one issue is that I organized all papers for him, but for myself, I'd let them pile up, thinking, I'll have time for that later. I'd like to finish a degree, or write of my experiences, and contribute what I learned - and I'd like to join others but find it a challenge to sort out. Interesting to suddenly be just an "individual" when my identity has been so greatly linked with my role. Confusing to "experiment", when it looks like most others did all that many years ago, and now they "all" know the ropes.

BTW, I used to go out walking at night if I couldn't sleep, when I had my dog. It's less scary out there than we may think, in fact, it's lovely in many ways.
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Yes, Katie22, makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for sharing.
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Perhaps it's because I was 83 when my husband died in 2014, I became more cautious about my own life. I fell twice in 2016, once losing my balance on a curb and falling sideways into oncoming traffic; the second time, being knocked backward onto a concrete floor when my wheeled walker ran into me. I wasn't hurt either time, but decided to stop believing I could do anything a 65 year old can do and moved to an independent living facility where the staff can call 911 if the law of gravity strikes me again.
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I wouldn't consider going for walks in the middle of the night to be wildly rash, depending on where you live of course.

When one is a caregiver, there is so very little margin or choice to do anything. Maybe you're just doing normal things you enjoy and it feels strange and reckless after being "anchored" so long with caregiving duties.

So I'd look at exactly WHAT activities you're doing that feel impulsive or reckless vs how you FEEL about doing them.

If what you're doing is truly risky, what are you getting out of it? Are you depressed?

It might do to talk to a counselor who deals with grief issues. You may just be having a hard time giving yourself permission to move on, enjoy life, and do things for yourself. That makes things most people take for granted feel risky.
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I find myself doing the opposite lately, closing the curtains and going to bed with TV or a book early. Except for a little vacation once in awhile since my Mom passed away and getting a good haircut, I find myself like a deer in the headlights most of the time. I do what I have to around the house. I have bought myself a few items of new clothing and some books, that is about it. In contrast, a woman I have known for over 40 years that cared for her Mom to a lesser degree had a house built on the opposite coast, and indulges herself in salon treatments etc. but brags incessantly about her new life and home and 9K refridgerator to the point that I have decided not to go visit this person anytime soon. I just can't do a lot for myself at this point. I should soon buy a new car but don't know what I want, I don't know where I would want to live, but don't like the home we are in anymore, etc. I feel so clueless and scattered much of the time about doing for me. Stuck in some sort of holding pattern and now afraid that I need to step in more for my MIL.
Several months after my Mom died I did walk around outside after dark once in awhile. The neighborhood is safe but there can be wild animals around. With me it was just not wanting to be seen and the darkness was like a warm safe blanket around me. It made me feel like I was exploring and yet in control, as the darkness kept me undercover. Does that make any sense?
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I am just the opposite. I won't take any risks at all. And I think it has to do with being scared. When my parents died, I felt so alone. A lifetime of love and memories gone. It was overwhelming. And the world scared me. I am living in their big old house and ghosts are all around me.
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Extreme sports was never on my "to do " list, so in the midst of grief I am unlikely to do that.
Why I even hate walking over a bridge when you can see the water through the slats.
Went on a trail ride once when we came to one of those metal bridges.
Horse said "No thank you" and backed away. Must say I agreed with her but turned her around and backed her over. On the way home she went willingly but then she knew that was the only way she would get back to the barn.
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Just checking back in here today. There are no words..But I do feel safer in a therapist's office than attempting sky diving or bridge jumping. If I were able to consider doing extreme sports, then I don't think depression or grief would be the issue.
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I knew I was going insane, always second guessing myself...I'm seeing a life coach, only two visits and it has helped me tremendously. To remind myself that I still matter and my husband and two children matter first but I was not helping at all so I could not take care of them properly let alone help my parents with what they need and knowing my limits on what I can and can't do for them. I've been to counselors before and it really got nothing out of it but this lady is helping me focus on the present and my future goals instead of dwelling in the past . When I come against the triggers like when my parents say or do things that get me angry etc. she's teaching me how to stop in the moment and refocus my brain in a different direction.   Super hard to do when you get in that place in your mind we are going crazy but practice makes perfect I guess, well probably never perfect but at least better...one step at a time  I had to get on Prozac and Xanax that's how bad I was and still am but I'm definitely moving forward
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a couple years ago my hubby and kid did zip lining.
In memory of your mom, do a hobby that your mom liked doing. Do this for you and her... Scrappbooking, cooking, movies, shydiving... Whatever her hobby was, or one of them, do something like that.....
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You are now the proud owner of a bit of emotional freedom. Congratulations, it comes with a price... I am sorry about your Mom, but you took care of her, and now she is liberated from this Earthly body. Now you are liberated from worrying about her...And she is probably looking down at you - smiling-

My mom and aunt are still with me. My MIL past away, but I feel a bit of relief that I am down to 2 elders. Don't get me wrong, it is still upsetting, especially for my child... but it's a relief.

I moved mom and aunt into one place, and I feel the relief of only needing to stop one place to see both at the same time. So my little bit of free time, I have been burying plants, and digging up weeds... Ground is still moist so weeds pull out easily, and I can bury plants with ease...... My yard is looking a bit better, but still needs work...

I walk my dog a lot... I used to walk at 2 am, but not I am just an ambien addict, so I don't walk late at night any more, as far as remember :)

REMEMBER: IT IS OKAY ... DEATH IS OKAY....I miss my mom, how she used to be.... I will miss her more when her time comes....

I do believe she will contact and talk with me when she passes...... My dad did, my brother did, so I think she will too......
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I saw someone on tv the other day doing one of those zip lines over a canyon of beautiful rocks, trees and a river. I found myself thinking "that looks really fun!" Sooo not my usual reaction to death defying feats!

Tacy - what the priest at your school said makes sense to me. My mothers father died from complication related to emphysema. I smoked as a teenager and while my mom never forbade it she sure rode my butt into the ground nagging and her predictions of my agonizing death. So me smoking like a chimney to "just show her..." is hitting home. Maybe now I can go back to killing myself at a slower pace. Thanks for sharing that insight!
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Tacy I've thought about jumping off a bridge but not for recreation purposes............:P
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Dear Countrymouse,

That is an excellent question the struggle to figure out what to do next? I am still mourning, but then I wonder then what? My siblings have their careers or their kids. But I've always had my dad to take care of. I stayed around to maintain the house, pay the bills, help buy the groceries. Then after the stroke I took him to the majority of doctor appointments. Now, I still have a job to go to, but what else? People say the skies the limit, but maybe I am just too depressed to figure out what else I want to do. My one sibling said I shouldn't replace my dad with another caregiving role. I honestly don't know right now.

Dear cwillie, I can identify with what you are saying. Even when my dad was in the hospital. My siblings would tell me not to see him. They thought this was a way for me to have a break! I know I was getting burned out, but I still worried "is today our last day together?" never believing it would happen. But it did happen. I had that too. People wanted me to have my own life. They like my dad was robbing me of a fulfilling life. I don't know. It was all I knew how to do.

Dear Gershun, you are so right. We ex-caregivers do need some sort of special therapy. The shock of losing our beloved parents. And the shock of losing our daily routine and purpose. It was never easy and there were moments of anger and resentment. But now that is all gone, I still miss it. I can't believe my dad is really gone. He had survived so much, why couldn't he survive a bit longer?

My dad had kids late in life. I know 84 is a long life. But in my mind I wish I was in my 50s or 60s before he passed. I don't know. I guess no matter how old I was, I would have lost my daddy and it would have been too much.
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When I make references to a "therapist", in my mind that may include any good counselor or even support groups.
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I didn't really look at this thread at first because I didn't think it applied to me - hahaha!

Then I started thinking about the fact I'm smoking at almost double time. It's funny - I gotta wonder how many other full grown women hid their smoking from their mom? It's like "Ha! I can smoke all I want and you can't stop me!"

Then there's the tattoo - or should I say tattooS. I've had one for years that my mom knew about - it's readily visible in summer clothing. But now I've got big plans to add to it - a whole lot. AND - I'm getting a separate tat that's in memory of my parents. I gave the motorcycle thing some thought - but yeah, I wouldn't want Helmet Hair.

So I guess the cigarettes and tattoos are gonna have to do it for my risk taking behavior!
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I hear a little bit of myself in all your comments.

Frequentflyer, yes my Mom was that voice of reason in my head. The be careful, call me when you get home thing. It didn't matter if I had been at her place for an hour, 5 min. she always wanted me to call so she knew I had got home safely. Then when she got sick, it was the opposite as I'm sure you all experienced and still are. Role reversal big time. Not to sound like too much of a suck but I really miss that motherly concern.

And Cnd Reader I totally identify the not wanting to get out of bed except in my case my sleeping schedule is all over the place so bedtime can be anywhere between 11 pm. to whenever I get to sleep and when I wake up.

And CM, I wish I could tell you what comes next. Damned if I know. Maybe someone should start a type of counseling service for ex- caregivers. Sort of like they are starting to have for war veterans. I think caregiving is sort of like going to war isn't it? Except you are fighting age and all the ravages it brings.

Yes C Willie. What life? What normal. I know I need to be getting on with it. But with what.

You know it's funny, I watch those stupid Housewife shows. And of all the shows to hear something which I thought was kind of deep and profound I would never have thought it would be this show. One of the housewives lost her Mom in the summer and she was talking to a counselor and she said she finds she can't live in the moment anymore cause that would mean having to accept that her Mom was gone.

I totally get that.
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Oh CM and Cdnreader, I appreciate what you are saying and I still have my mother with me. People keep telling me to get on with my life and here on the forum we often read comments from people anxious to get back to their old normal. What's the point? What life? What normal?
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Gershun, how are you doing with what to do *next*? That's where I am well and truly stuck. Still nothing seems important enough. Except safeguarding elders. And I'm not sure I could handle that kind of work emotionally.
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Dear Gershun,

Its almost 5 months since my dad passed. I don't know if I'm less cautious or just depressed and I've adopted a "I don't care attitude" towards life. The things I use to obsess about just don't seem to matter. I haven't taken up sky diving or mountain climbing, I seem so indifferent to life right now.

I know I should appreciate that life is short. And that life is precious. And I should make use of my time. People have encouraged me to travel, but I can't seem to make myself get out bed right now. I've been cautious my whole life, so maybe even in grief its a hard personality trait to break.
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I was wondering overnight if there's a sensation of being sort of un-anchored. We go through all these routines and conventions and take normal, accepted precautions. Then everything's changed, we're in a different life now, and what's the point of them any more?

It is related to what you're saying, FF, except that made me chuckle. All I remember is my mother insisting I take my coat off at a posh lunch because otherwise when I went outside again "you won't feel the benefit." Well that dining room was like a refrigerator - you couldn't not feel the benefit of just leaving it.
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Gershun, I wonder at times if we miss hearing our Moms say to us, wear a jacket, it cold out.... wear boots, its going to rain.... don't walk outside in the dark, you might trip and fall. It's the don't run with scissors thing.
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