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For instance, since my Mom passed I have found myself doing things spur of the moment more. Not weighing the pros and cons of things. Doing things that are in fact foolhardy. Going for walks in the middle of the night, for instance. Just throwing caution to the wind. Why would this be?


Any intellectual types out there who would like to tackle this question.

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It could be a sub conscious feeling of "seize the day". It could also be tied to the hopeless belief that life sucks and then you die, so what difference does it make whether you die sooner or later.
Are you still seeing a therapist?
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I think we go into a phase of being a teenager again... doing things at the spur of the moment. I find myself buying or wanting clothes I normally wouldn't buy for my age :P
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Actually, C Willie I have not been seeing a therapist. Perhaps that was someone else you were thinking about. Maybe a good idea though?
Do you think? I have been to therapists a long time ago but not in the
recent past.
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I though I read you posting about grief counselling, maybe you were just joining in the conversation?
I hesitate to recommend therapy because I know that if it were me, I wouldn't go. Your question seems tailor made for a Freudian therapist though...(lol).
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I have considered taking my motorcycle test, does that count?

But mostly I'm the opposite - keep catastrophising. Slight slip on the stairs, and in a flash I see myself lying at the bottom with a broken neck and the dog howling the house down until I'm discovered half-eaten three weeks later.

Going for a walk in the middle of the night doesn't sound insanely reckless. If you start picking up strange men or joining a base-jumping group, now...

Are you having a lot of trouble sleeping?
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Yes CM, that has been an ongoing problem for me. Even before Mom died and I think if I actually considered going to a therapist then I would know for sure that I'm a goner. I know they do a lot of good for a lot of people but I personally had to go to a few when I was very young and suffering from an eating disorder and I don't think I'd go there again. When you are pouring your heart out and you wonder why the doc keeps staring at something behind your head, you turn around and look, realize it's the clock and then at the dot of noon, his secretary walks in with his lunch and he smiles condescendingly and says, "Well, thats all for today," when you are in midsentence.......... well, I guess I need not say more.
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"There is no shame in getting a little therapy now, is there?" - - - a line from the movie "Mumford" (years back).
Actually, there is a stigma for anyone going to therapy or having a mental illness. One is assumed to be mentally ill if going for therapy, and that is not always the case. Everybody needs some support at times in their lives, and a third party can often help, if just to listen, and you leave feeling heard.

Starting with an evaluation by a psychiatrist, then a referral to a counselor seems a good plan of action, for any caregiver who has had to set aside their lives for someone else for so long, and has therefore not tended to themselves properly for so long-like a garden left untended-one must get in there, do the heavy weed clearing, find yourself and plant stuff that reflects the new you.
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Good answer Send. Ah.....why have you had me reported Keeliah. I said nothing wrong. I said I know therapists are good for a lot of people, just not myself. Go report yourself while you're at it.
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In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, concluding all therapists will be like the one you saw a long time ago is called "All or nothing thinking". In CBT, one can learn how errors in their own thinking can block a person from moving forward. Once informed, given these tools in therapy, a person can learn to help themselves and correct their own thinking.
I too dislike the kind of therapy where one learns to contemplate their belly button f o r e v e r , lining the pockets of the therapist.

There are some self-help books that can teach CBT.
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CM forget the motorcycle, dog would never keep up and probably give himself a heart attack. Plus the helmet would mess up your hair.
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Dog could ride pillion? In his own little biker jacket. So cool!
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While I appreciate all the humorous responses to my question I really have been not really concerned but just a little miffed by myself and why as a normally cautious person I have suddenly not been as much.

I get why you'd all respond that way as I can be kind of flippant I know but I really would like to know if there is any psychological reason that i have changed in this way since my Mom died.
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An adjustment of priorities and values?

It isn't quite the same, but I have noticed that whereas before I used to counsel myself not to worry too much about other people's opinion of me, nowadays I don't need to do even that: I really don't care. For example, encountering snotty shop assistants. Before, I'd remind myself "you don't dress to impress somebody who works on a checkout." Now, I wouldn't even notice, or if I did I'd just note internally that this young person has a lot to learn.

Could it be a rebound from having a responsibility lifted, do you think? Are you worried about it, or can you think of positive ways even to exploit it perhaps?
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I'm not sure I've changed so much since my husband Coy and/or my mother died, but I think my attitude shifted a little when Coy developed dementia. Early in the disease, in a lucid moment, he raged, "Is this what I took such good care of myself for? I wish I had died at a much younger age like all my brothers! Why am I the one who lived long enough to get dementia?!"

I haven't become reckless, I'm still a fairly cautious person, but I have become less judgmental of my own and other people's occasional lapses. I know that each of us is going to die, no matter what we do. And some of us are going to suffer in that process. I still take my pills and take reasonable (if not rigorous) care of my diabetes. I wear my seat belt. I have all the medical tests I'm supposed to have, more or less on schedule. I don't put myself in harm's way. But I know I'm not going to live forever and I'm a little more accepting of that idea than I was before Coy developed dementia.

Does that make sense, Gershun? Is it at all like what you are experiencing?
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CM I think if it were just a matter of being less concerned with others opinions or something like that I would not be worried but I have always been the kind of person who deliberated things very carefully before I'd make a move. But I've been doing things spur of the moment lately. Nothing obscene or criminal. Just stupid things like going for a walk in the middle of the night. Let me preface this by saying it was cause I was tired of tossing and turning and just couldn't handle staring at the ceiling wide awake all night. But then one time I went for a walk after dark and walked around this dark trail that runs along a dyke. As I noticed it getting darker my inner voice said "probably not the brightest thing to be doing" but I just said blank it and went anyway. Lied to my husband cause I knew he'd freak.

This kind of behavior is not like me. I hope I don't sound like I'm reading too much into something that is not important but I am just curious I guess and wondered if anyone else on here who had lost a parent had changed in odd ways too.
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CM, I too have had images of myself at the bottom of the steps, unable to move until I eventually die of thirst. But I've never even considered being half-eaten two weeks later. Wow! What kind of critters live in your basement? :-)
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Jeanne, yes I get what you are saying. Maybe it's something like that. My mother took such good care of herself all her life and the sh!t still hit the fan.

Another thought I had was that I always sought my Mom's approval with just about everything. Her opinion of me was of utmost importance. I never wanted to let her down. Now that she is gone maybe I have loosened the reins I put on myself a bit. Having said that though I have always been the first one to criticize people, women especially who walk around with their face planted down on their smartphones cause I think you are giving predators a golden opportunity to prey on you and now here I am going for dark walks at 5am. :P
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I must have missed an answer on here. I didn't get that one from CM getting eaten by critters. LOL

I think I think too much. That's probably part of the problem.

It's like this movie I watched once. I wish I could remember the actors in it. They were in this war ravaged country hiding from terrorists. The one guy said to his friend "oh, go cry to your Mommy" The other guy responded "I'd love to see me Mom" Then they both laughed hysterically.

I'd love to see me Mom too. Good Night All!
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Gershun, most of the predators (the human kind, anyway) are not out at 5 am, and they certainly aren't looking for females on dark paths! :-)
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I know this will sound a bit poor-me, but the reason I think of the dog is that if, God forbid, I were to break my neck (or sever an artery chopping onions, or crash through the shower screen, or catch my foot in knitting wool and knock myself senseless on the corner of the table - you know, those everyday mishaps that lurk round the house) he would be the only immediate problem.

I'm honestly not sitting here weeping and thinking nobody loves me nobody cares, but it is simply true that my sudden absence from the world would inconvenience no one. Not even him, as long as I were within gnawing distance.
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"You wouldn't, would you?"

Dog assures me he wouldn't dream of eating me. Unless he got really, really hungry and couldn't find any more bins to raid.
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Gershun, I wonder at times if we miss hearing our Moms say to us, wear a jacket, it cold out.... wear boots, its going to rain.... don't walk outside in the dark, you might trip and fall. It's the don't run with scissors thing.
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I was wondering overnight if there's a sensation of being sort of un-anchored. We go through all these routines and conventions and take normal, accepted precautions. Then everything's changed, we're in a different life now, and what's the point of them any more?

It is related to what you're saying, FF, except that made me chuckle. All I remember is my mother insisting I take my coat off at a posh lunch because otherwise when I went outside again "you won't feel the benefit." Well that dining room was like a refrigerator - you couldn't not feel the benefit of just leaving it.
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Dear Gershun,

Its almost 5 months since my dad passed. I don't know if I'm less cautious or just depressed and I've adopted a "I don't care attitude" towards life. The things I use to obsess about just don't seem to matter. I haven't taken up sky diving or mountain climbing, I seem so indifferent to life right now.

I know I should appreciate that life is short. And that life is precious. And I should make use of my time. People have encouraged me to travel, but I can't seem to make myself get out bed right now. I've been cautious my whole life, so maybe even in grief its a hard personality trait to break.
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Gershun, how are you doing with what to do *next*? That's where I am well and truly stuck. Still nothing seems important enough. Except safeguarding elders. And I'm not sure I could handle that kind of work emotionally.
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Oh CM and Cdnreader, I appreciate what you are saying and I still have my mother with me. People keep telling me to get on with my life and here on the forum we often read comments from people anxious to get back to their old normal. What's the point? What life? What normal?
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I hear a little bit of myself in all your comments.

Frequentflyer, yes my Mom was that voice of reason in my head. The be careful, call me when you get home thing. It didn't matter if I had been at her place for an hour, 5 min. she always wanted me to call so she knew I had got home safely. Then when she got sick, it was the opposite as I'm sure you all experienced and still are. Role reversal big time. Not to sound like too much of a suck but I really miss that motherly concern.

And Cnd Reader I totally identify the not wanting to get out of bed except in my case my sleeping schedule is all over the place so bedtime can be anywhere between 11 pm. to whenever I get to sleep and when I wake up.

And CM, I wish I could tell you what comes next. Damned if I know. Maybe someone should start a type of counseling service for ex- caregivers. Sort of like they are starting to have for war veterans. I think caregiving is sort of like going to war isn't it? Except you are fighting age and all the ravages it brings.

Yes C Willie. What life? What normal. I know I need to be getting on with it. But with what.

You know it's funny, I watch those stupid Housewife shows. And of all the shows to hear something which I thought was kind of deep and profound I would never have thought it would be this show. One of the housewives lost her Mom in the summer and she was talking to a counselor and she said she finds she can't live in the moment anymore cause that would mean having to accept that her Mom was gone.

I totally get that.
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I didn't really look at this thread at first because I didn't think it applied to me - hahaha!

Then I started thinking about the fact I'm smoking at almost double time. It's funny - I gotta wonder how many other full grown women hid their smoking from their mom? It's like "Ha! I can smoke all I want and you can't stop me!"

Then there's the tattoo - or should I say tattooS. I've had one for years that my mom knew about - it's readily visible in summer clothing. But now I've got big plans to add to it - a whole lot. AND - I'm getting a separate tat that's in memory of my parents. I gave the motorcycle thing some thought - but yeah, I wouldn't want Helmet Hair.

So I guess the cigarettes and tattoos are gonna have to do it for my risk taking behavior!
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When I make references to a "therapist", in my mind that may include any good counselor or even support groups.
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Dear Countrymouse,

That is an excellent question the struggle to figure out what to do next? I am still mourning, but then I wonder then what? My siblings have their careers or their kids. But I've always had my dad to take care of. I stayed around to maintain the house, pay the bills, help buy the groceries. Then after the stroke I took him to the majority of doctor appointments. Now, I still have a job to go to, but what else? People say the skies the limit, but maybe I am just too depressed to figure out what else I want to do. My one sibling said I shouldn't replace my dad with another caregiving role. I honestly don't know right now.

Dear cwillie, I can identify with what you are saying. Even when my dad was in the hospital. My siblings would tell me not to see him. They thought this was a way for me to have a break! I know I was getting burned out, but I still worried "is today our last day together?" never believing it would happen. But it did happen. I had that too. People wanted me to have my own life. They like my dad was robbing me of a fulfilling life. I don't know. It was all I knew how to do.

Dear Gershun, you are so right. We ex-caregivers do need some sort of special therapy. The shock of losing our beloved parents. And the shock of losing our daily routine and purpose. It was never easy and there were moments of anger and resentment. But now that is all gone, I still miss it. I can't believe my dad is really gone. He had survived so much, why couldn't he survive a bit longer?

My dad had kids late in life. I know 84 is a long life. But in my mind I wish I was in my 50s or 60s before he passed. I don't know. I guess no matter how old I was, I would have lost my daddy and it would have been too much.
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