For instance, since my Mom passed I have found myself doing things spur of the moment more. Not weighing the pros and cons of things. Doing things that are in fact foolhardy. Going for walks in the middle of the night, for instance. Just throwing caution to the wind. Why would this be?
Any intellectual types out there who would like to tackle this question.
Tacy - what the priest at your school said makes sense to me. My mothers father died from complication related to emphysema. I smoked as a teenager and while my mom never forbade it she sure rode my butt into the ground nagging and her predictions of my agonizing death. So me smoking like a chimney to "just show her..." is hitting home. Maybe now I can go back to killing myself at a slower pace. Thanks for sharing that insight!
My mom and aunt are still with me. My MIL past away, but I feel a bit of relief that I am down to 2 elders. Don't get me wrong, it is still upsetting, especially for my child... but it's a relief.
I moved mom and aunt into one place, and I feel the relief of only needing to stop one place to see both at the same time. So my little bit of free time, I have been burying plants, and digging up weeds... Ground is still moist so weeds pull out easily, and I can bury plants with ease...... My yard is looking a bit better, but still needs work...
I walk my dog a lot... I used to walk at 2 am, but not I am just an ambien addict, so I don't walk late at night any more, as far as remember :)
REMEMBER: IT IS OKAY ... DEATH IS OKAY....I miss my mom, how she used to be.... I will miss her more when her time comes....
I do believe she will contact and talk with me when she passes...... My dad did, my brother did, so I think she will too......
In memory of your mom, do a hobby that your mom liked doing. Do this for you and her... Scrappbooking, cooking, movies, shydiving... Whatever her hobby was, or one of them, do something like that.....
Why I even hate walking over a bridge when you can see the water through the slats.
Went on a trail ride once when we came to one of those metal bridges.
Horse said "No thank you" and backed away. Must say I agreed with her but turned her around and backed her over. On the way home she went willingly but then she knew that was the only way she would get back to the barn.
Several months after my Mom died I did walk around outside after dark once in awhile. The neighborhood is safe but there can be wild animals around. With me it was just not wanting to be seen and the darkness was like a warm safe blanket around me. It made me feel like I was exploring and yet in control, as the darkness kept me undercover. Does that make any sense?
When one is a caregiver, there is so very little margin or choice to do anything. Maybe you're just doing normal things you enjoy and it feels strange and reckless after being "anchored" so long with caregiving duties.
So I'd look at exactly WHAT activities you're doing that feel impulsive or reckless vs how you FEEL about doing them.
If what you're doing is truly risky, what are you getting out of it? Are you depressed?
It might do to talk to a counselor who deals with grief issues. You may just be having a hard time giving yourself permission to move on, enjoy life, and do things for yourself. That makes things most people take for granted feel risky.
I have to call to everyone's attention, the movie, "Hello, My Name is Doris" - with Sally Fields - Gershun you'll get an expanded view of someone who did explore beyond her world, after her mom died, when Doris had been her caregiver for decades - It's beautifully done.
I was active caregiver for my youngest brother, born with brain injury disabilities - I took on hte task of helping him adjust to an adult world - it was a huge and interesting task, that involved all my thinking and planning and practice of counseling informally, guiding advocacy on his behalf. I moved him 8 times over the years, in later years into places closer to the ground, and eventually into a nursing home. That freed me up, for they handled any emergencies. And he gets help with skills in a Brain Injury program.
I find it's a huge challenge to shift gears - one issue is that I organized all papers for him, but for myself, I'd let them pile up, thinking, I'll have time for that later. I'd like to finish a degree, or write of my experiences, and contribute what I learned - and I'd like to join others but find it a challenge to sort out. Interesting to suddenly be just an "individual" when my identity has been so greatly linked with my role. Confusing to "experiment", when it looks like most others did all that many years ago, and now they "all" know the ropes.
BTW, I used to go out walking at night if I couldn't sleep, when I had my dog. It's less scary out there than we may think, in fact, it's lovely in many ways.
Assuming we do a semi-reckless thing once a month, like your late night walk, but you haven't done any for 60 months then you have a bank of things to do to catch up - the fact that you are aware of this change means it is most likely short term & quite possibly a part of your grieving process albeit more unusual than most but probably not unique to you only
While in grieving process some people demonstrate unusual things - would you thinking anything of saying 'good night' to a pix of your mom & blowing her a kiss? - not at first but what about many years later? -
It is same with you in that your readjustment is more acute due to time & effort put in with caregiving - just take the word 'caregiving' with its literal meaning 'giving care' & now you are 'carefree' with its literal meaning 'free of care' - so you are back to being at university & that is a very carefree time -
Give yourself time to enjoy a few things & don't beat yourself up too much for having some fun because you probably really, really deserve it - let us know how you are doing
I would not change my choices for a second, but having denied myself my preferred food, TV, music, activities, sleeping habits etc. for years, I can imagine how a night walk might be an enlivening experience....I'm just kinda chicken.
Could it be that I lived according to the needs and whims of my mother and felt I had no control in life? Would doing something daring or dangerous, and coming out the other side make me feel like I have control and thus make me more likely to start taking action? Maybe taking a night time walk is a somewhat safe but daring way to feel one is gaining back control of ones own life.
Your loyal dog would not gnaw on your corpse - a cat however would relish your nose
Just say'n