My father-in-law has finally given in to assisted living which I am so glad as he will be getting the care he needs. He does still have a home but is not safe for him to be there, as he thinks that he can go back there for a few hours each day and then return to assisted living later in the day. I do not think this would be a good idea but my brother-in-law insists that there will be no issues with this. Has anyone ever done this? What are your ideas on this.
If your brother in law thinks that he can do this, then BIL should sign dad up for adult day care and commit to being responsible for the rest of dad's care needs.
This is a TERRIBLE idea. What is BIL going to do if his dad refuses to leave?
Your family has the right to call a Care Conference at any time. Call one and make sure BIL is there. It’s a good idea to call one within the first few weeks of admittance. Have the staff kindly explain to BIL that to switch between the two residences is very confusing to his father and will be difficult for all of you. He may be more on board with their experience and knowledge.
From what I can determine your BIL is his son? Sons see their fathers as the leaders of the family, and they do not want to bruise their fathers ego. It is complicated, as the son sees himself through his father, strong, healthy...a leader...this is a difficult adjustment on both of their parts. The father is no longer who he was, yet the son wants to maintain a façade.
Who has your FIL Durable POA, who is going to make sound decisions for him when he can no longer do this for himself?
Call a Care Council meeting, make sure all parties are there, perhaps the facility can help him to understand. Good Luck!
He has not 'given in' to Assisted Living at ALL if he's expecting to go back home every day for a couple of hours!!
Not a good idea at all, based on my experience with my own parents in AL.
Good luck!
He had no interest in arts & crafts, bingo, etc. & he couldn't smoke at the facility. At home he felt comfortable.
It was tedious for mom & uncle doing daily transportation. Otherwise it worked out for them.
FIL thinks he can sleep and eat at the ALF and return to his home for "a few hours" each day. Well, he can if he likes. He's not a prisoner. He can go where he pleases.
But how's he going to manage it? I wonder if your BIL is taking this line as a bit of a ruse. If that's what it takes to get FIL's agreement, let's go with it; and then once FIL is actually resident in the ALF we can work on his practical routine.
Or, if BIL is happy to undertake the ferrying back and forth, and the negotiations on days when FIL wants to stay in his house for "a few more hours," let them try it. Just make sure you're not on the volunteer drivers' list.
As for when he brings it up during your visits, suggesting he call his attorney is good. I wouldn't focus on saying YOU would not support his return, but place the blame elsewhere (doctors, courts, etc.) then try to change the topic or leave.
I'm trying to get a feel for just how much supervision or care FIL needs, if he is in a facility that is tracking him and needs supervision throughout the day this probably isn't a great idea but if he has his full faculties and isn't a real danger to himself they need his consent and cooperation so perhaps a plan that keeps him in his new "home" for a few weeks before going to visit home again, going back to his old house for a couple of hours 2-3 times a week rather than every day or some combination of these either by plan he agrees with or happening naturally because no one is available to transport him or other things are going on. FIL agreed it was time for this move, what were the reasons he felt it was time and does he have a social life he's trying to keep in touch with by going to the house or does he just sit in front of the TV and hole up all day?
What did he usually do during the day at home? Sit in front of tv??? Or was he more active and doing things around the house? What are the safety issues for him to be at home? Maybe you would need someone to be there at the same time to keep an eye on things.
Not sure of his finances, but if you are spending down a small amount of money to pay for assisted living, there could be a problem (when Medicaid nursing home bed is needed) if he has spent money to be at home (in home care) at the same time he has residence at a facility. Hope you can work this out for him so that his transition is a happier experience for him.
If he is in AL just so his basic needs can be met (med management and proper meals), I see no real harm in what BIL is doing. Sure, FIL could eventually balk and say he wants to stay overnight or return to living there, but that would be BIL's problem, no? Also, typically AL is an open environment, they don't prevent anyone from leaving or staying away. If so, even without BIL's help, he could hire a taxi or perhaps use the facility transport system to go there himself.
If he is going down the dementia road (hopefully he is in MC not just regular AL), this could *really* backfire, but again that would be BIL's issue, no?
Clearly your concerns are for FIL, but do you really have any say? Personally if dementia was not involved and it didn't result in refusal to return to AL, I would not object to occasional visits, pick up some items maybe, but overall the best thing is to make a decision about where to stay and stay. Every day? If BIL is facilitating this, he has WAY too much time on his hands!!!
As long as this isn't really impacting you, I would let it be. If it is your husband's father and he objects too, then he needs to work that out with the others in his family. There really isn't a lot you can do, other than to be supportive of hubby if it is his father and he objects to this.
As for the house itself - if no one is living in it, the family needs to be aware that regular homeowner's insurance most likely won't cover the place. We had to get special insurance for an unoccupied residence. It can be very costly, but will be even worse to find out the current policy won't cover it! We lucked out in that I was able to get this from the condo association master policy provider - it was very comparable to what mom had been paying, or perhaps overpaying.
Also, as others said, there could be issues that arise as the place ages. It took over a year and a half to get mom's condo cleared out, fixed up and cleaned, and in the meantime the heating system died and all the windows started blowing their seals (they get moisture between the panes and then start fogging up.) I wasn't getting a lot of help from my brothers, so it took way too long. One plan was to rent, as it was set up as life-estate and selling it early had tax implications. Being 1.5 hours each way and having enough on my plate, I decided that I was NOT going to play at being a landlord and have to deal with MORE management of mommy stuff! Atty was surprised, but when I told him that just between taxes and condo fees, it was sucking down about 14k/year, and the heating system + window glass + other stuff needing attention, it sucked down even more! I was DONE with all that crap!
Don’t listen to other relatives with impractical suggestions. Simply say, “No, we are not doing that. The nursing home is his new residence.”
If any relative wants to take him to lunch at a restaurant for a change of pace, or go for dessert and coffee somewhere, perhaps a visit to a nearby park, then do that. Why confuse the issue of bringing his back to the house that he is moving out of? He will have a much harder time adapting if he goes back and forth.