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My father just died and my mom intends on having a memorial type service at Christmas at her home for immediate family. My brother and others are very inconsiderate and hurtful people and I have not seen them in years. They did not acknowledge my husband’s death 1.5 years ago. My son and I prefer not to attend. We don’t want to hurt my mom but could certainly honor my Dad, with my Mom in a different fashion, without the relatives. Is it wrong to not attend?

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No, I don't think it's wrong at all for you and your son not to attend. I think it's wrong that your mother is doing this memorial service thing at Christmastime when your father died in October. Why ruin the holidays for people? She can do the memorial service anytime. Like now or on the one-year anniversary of his death.

You and your son should send a nice flower arrangement, or better still one of those delicious holiday luxury gift boxes that have the smoked sausages, the cheeses, crackers, etc... Those are always a nice thing to get. You shouldn't miss out on the holidays because your mother has poor timing or because your family members are inconsiderate and hurtful.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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If the expectation is that you will all sit around sharing food, memories and having a kumbaya moment together then I would opt out because the likelihood is that the event is more apt to be bickering, finger pointing and dragging up past grievances, which will honour no one. Scheduling the event around Christmas will only heighten those feelings/behaviours because the holidays are already fraught with certain expectations.
But maybe your family dynamic isn't as bad as I imagine, I'm basing my comments on families who have funeral fist fights at the church door.
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Reply to cwillie
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czechchick Nov 5, 2024
You have a very good point. Thank you!
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My condolences on your losses. I am so sorry.
Your mom is having a "do" here. I think the timing is poor, but that's up to her.
Why are you not asking HER what matters to HER here, because she's the important one, imho?

I would say "Mom, you're well aware of how I feel about the sibs? Right? Can I just ask you if there's some way it's OK for me not to attend with them, and for the two of us to make our own celebration of dad together? Are you OK with that? Because if you are not I understand that this celebration of his life is really about YOU and if you want me there I will be there with bells on and I will take Dr. Laura's advise and 'just be polite'. But if you really don't care, or would just as soon avoid any discomfort, I would love not to attend. What do you think?"

Option two, say you will attend, call and lie that you have covid.

This isn't about you really, or your beloved hubby, or your sibs. This is about your mom and what she needs to do to comfort herself. Let her guide you.

If you aren't comfortable with ASKING mom, I would help her prepare, I would attend, I would just be as polite as I could be to everyone, and I would leave slightly early. And I would literally die before I would cause dissention that would hurt your mom at that time. So if you cannot do this without that, then you cannot go. Start practicing now:
"It's SO good to see you" . Smile smile and walk away.
"What a lovely dress" . Smile smile walk away.
"I remember how much dad loved your lasagna". Smile smile smile
And on you go, butterfly at the ball, just buttering them up one side and down the other.
Have FUN with it. Imagine dad smiling. Laughing, Raising a glass to you.

Good luck, CzechChick. Omlouvám se.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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czechchick Nov 5, 2024
Thank you. Good advice as always.
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When my nephew passed, I didn't attend the funeral or the repass. There are a couple of my sister's children who are alcoholics and will make a scene. When my husband died, one niece said she didn't care about those people. She turned out to be a very sick individual. We were close at one time but she turned on me. She came to my home after my dad's funeral, got drunk and started a fight with my husband. She called the cops and was so drunk that the police locked her up for the night. I haven't spoken to her in almost ten years.

So no, I will not be attending anymore functions involving them.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Don’t go for your father, he won’t know or care. Go for your mother if you wish, if you think that the rest of the family won’t keep her occupied, and if you are sure that there won’t be an upset between people who don’t like each other.

If you would prefer not to go, I’d suggest that you don’t make a big statement about it – tell M that you will try to come but you have an important appointment that you may not be able to alter. If you don’t make it, say that you will take M out to dinner yourself a week or so later.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I would go for mom. What you still share with your brother is grief over your father’s passing. I would, in addition, hire a chaplain to lead the service. If dad died on hospice, that’s a free service to the family.

Now that dad’s gone, it’s more advantageous for you two to be on civil terms when it comes to discussing moms needs going forward, such as who is tasked with poa.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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It's not wrong to not attend. It's your choice. Personally I would not attend with rude and inconsiderate family members who I haven't seen in years. It would be nice to send something to your mom as has been stated before, saying you love her and will come to visit another time. I choose peace. Best wishes to you.
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Reply to roadtrip54
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Tiredniece23 Nov 5, 2024
I like this idea.
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If you can’t bring yourself to go, send a big beautiful bouquet of flowers to the memorial and include a card telling your mom how much you love her and that you would like to come later and talk to her about doing something special in honor of your dad.

I don’t know your family dynamic but just know that if you don’t go you may be putting your mom in an awkward position with other guests on a day that maybe already difficult for her.

If you do decide to go, stick like glue to your mom’s side; nobody is going to be awful to you when you’re holding hands with a grieving widow.

I’m sorry for your loss.
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Reply to Peasuep
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This isn't about your brother and others who are inconsiderate. It's a memorial for your father, so in honor of him and your mother, I would attend.

My condolences on the loss of your dad, and also on your husbands passing a year ago.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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czechchick Nov 2, 2024
Thank you so much for the thoughtful answer.
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Not at all, honor your dad your way, and stay away from people that you don't feel respect you, and don't expect or push your son to go if you decide to.

Very sorry about your dad.🙏
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Anxietynacy Oct 25, 2024
Just read others post, very different answers. Honestly there is no right or wrong here.

Do what you feel is right, and I'd wait until it gets closer to Christmas to decide, for sure. You May feel different
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If it was me I’d go for your mom’s sake .
I didn’t speak to one of my siblings at either of my parent’s funerals . When the second parent died , I did not attend the after funeral , family meal get together .

You could go and not stay the whole time .
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Reply to waytomisery
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czechchick Oct 25, 2024
Thank you 💕
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That’s a very nice idea. Thank you!
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Reply to czechchick
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I would go for your Mom's sake. Who cares about your d-bag brother and others? You don't have to interact with them or even look at them at the get together. You don't have to stay long. Then support your Mom afterwards. Or, don't go at all but explain it to your Mom in advance and do your own private memorial with her separately.
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Reply to Geaton777
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czechchick Oct 25, 2024
Thank you for the helpful reply.
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Your dad is dead and he doesn’t care. You can have your own memorial and plant some flowers in your garden in his memory or whatnot.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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czechchick Oct 25, 2024
That’s a very nice idea. Thank you!
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