Would it be okay to make mom furnish her apartment?
When we moved mom to the AL we made sure she had all her own bedroom furniture, and set it up quite nice. We put her chairs in the living room, and a lamp and table. Her couch wouldn't fit. I want her to buy a loveseat, and she admits she misses having a couch. She says she can't afford it, but she surely can. My brother has agreed too, and he is the conservator. She complains about only having chairs, but doesn't want any more furniture brought in because she feels it means she is staying there. She has other nice things we could take there too, like pictures for the wall, but she refuses them. There's room as well, it's not crowded. I have offered often to take her shopping to pick a loveseat out herself, but she won't. I know I am trying to make it nice and comfortable. But she is trying to say "I don't want to be here". Should I just back off?
At any rate, we fit whatever we could, and she is proud of her apartment with her furniture and paintings and pictures of family and friends, and the sales director actually uses mom's apartment (with her approval) as part of the tour, which makes mom happy.
She still asks when can she come home. I tell her she has to stay until I retire, that there are laws that she can't live alone or be in my house alone while I work, because if something were to happen to her, I could go to jail for neglect. She has been in the ALF for a year. But I think it gives her some home that someday down the road maybe I can bring her home. It's better than having her being perpetually angry or depressed.
Then came the glorious day when my "fastidious" [do I mean neurotic?] BIL came to visit. For a moment I couldn't think why he was standing there like a tin of milk to talk to my mother instead of taking a seat, until I realised that he was afraid to sully his person on these chairs. A truly Christian woman would have fetched a towel to use discreetly as a temporary throw, but I'm afraid I just beamed internally and snuck out to the kitchen to laugh myself sick.
Let your mother make her own furniture choices.
I am going to hold off on bringing much because she’s only been in AL for approximately two months. She says she likes it but then, she’s not let go of ‘her’ house yet. I can understand that.
SHE prefers to live in a hoarded, grimy apartment. SHE doesn't care if the windows are opaque with dirt or that there's bird poop all over...she's content with all her junk crowded around her.
I have had to completely change MY viewpoint of what is good and right for her and allow her to live in grime, because she likes it that way. Backing off is really, really hard. But I am doing so and not saying a word.
I KNOW that one of the reasons she hoards so much stuff is that the more stuff she has, the less likely we are to even attempt to move her to a SNF, no matter how ill and infirm she becomes.
What she's saying is that she wants to have HOPE that she can leave there before she dies. If all these things are surrounding her, it represents the end of her dream-to leave. I think her refusal of having her things is depression over having to be in a place that she rather not be in.
Back off sounds harsh but I wouldn't bring it up again so as not to "choke" her with your desires. Let her adjust to her surroundings (if ever) and you be available to talk about it if she brings it up.
Why give her something she doesn't want. She said no to your many offers, didn't she?