I'm new to the forum and I'm hoping it's ok to join when I'm not in USA. I live near Edinburgh in Scotland and my mum, who is 86, lives in Ireland where she and my dad were born. My sis is the only one of 6 siblings that live in the same country as mum. She is 20 mins drive away from mum. Sis is 63, a functioning alcoholic and has been helping mum as needed with shopping, prescriptions, medical appointments, outings, etc. for many years, more so over the last 3 years since mum had an accident and had to stop driving. Mum has been supporting sis financially as she's been unemployed or working seasonally for the last 20 years or so. Sis has few friends and no partner so is lonely. She drinks everyday from about noon. Mum and sis have never had the easiest of relationships, I feel like they love and care for each other but they don't seem to be able to accept each other as they are.
As the years have gone by sis has leaned on me for emotional support more and more. She's the oldest and I'm the youngest and she left home when I was 7 so we've never really been close. She blames her childhood and particularly mum for all her troubles and how her life is now. She even blames mum for dad turning to drink. Mum had 5 children under 6 at one point and dad was drinking and gambling what little money they had away. As the youngest I saw some of the worst of dad until, when I was 17, he started hitting mum and she left. Dad joined AA and stopped drinking then, but it was never talked about. Mum moved back and I left for college shortly after only to return for visits. My childhood was horrible but somehow my sis thinks I had some kind of idyllic upbringing and that I have no problems of my own. These are recurring things that come up when she calls and she's been drinking and I hate the way she talks about mum. I feel physically sick now when she calls or I see an email from her. I need to support her as she's the one near mum but I'm finding it so draining and worrying.
Mum is declining, she's still mobile and able to walk with sticks for about 20 mins but has osteoarthritis, more worryingly her memory is deteriorating and she can't remember conversations, appointments, how long or when she has visited her family etc. Doctor says mild cognitive dysfunction. I've tried to talk to mum about what she wants for years now and mostly the response is "I'm just taking one day at a time, and as long as I can get out of bed in the morning that's a good day." She has said that she wants to make sure my sis is ok and she wants to be back in her own country. When I mention her own home though she is noncommittal and says she doesn't want to be lonely. I've asked her about AL and NH as options, I've shown her a really nice AL about 2 mins drive from me but she's refusing to even consider that as an option. Anyway after a 6 month stay with us for a medical procedure and recovery, and a couple of online meetings with the sibs it has been decided that my brother will take mum back home and stay with her for a week to get her settled back in. We're working on getting some in-home care visitors set up for mum and once she's back we can get her assessed in her own home by the health service. I feel like the main issue with this plan is sis.
Mum's home is rural with limited public transport so she's reliant on the help of others. My sis says she hates it where mum lives and won't live there being mum's servant. No-one has ever asked her to live with mum, in fact it would be a disaster! The last time she stayed for 4 weeks while mum recovered from an operation she drank more and more each day to cope and was drunkenly raging and crying over the phone to me about mum, her childhood, how great dad was (he died when I was 24), etc. Mum got upset as sis was going on and on at her, just like dad used to when he was drinking. I'm worried that sis will try to move in with mum and for my own health as the phone calls have already increased - mum's not back yet
I am hoping more/better advice will follow.
For now, let's have a cuppa. A big sigh. Maybe a cry. Families are tough, right?
You are are kind of in 'The Club'. Awaiting a Crises to Effect Change Club.
And at that time, somehow you will cope.
I think you’re right though I am now waiting for a crisis that will push the situation in another direction. I think with mum moving back home it’s inevitable and with my sis in the mix I think it’s all going to be messy, emotional and horrible.
I’m just feeling the guilt about letting my mum return home where I really feel it’s not the best solution for her. Also guilty about not being able to have her stay in my home permanently - although I’ve been happy to help mum through the operation and rehab if I’m totally honest with myself the last 6 months with mum living with us have made it really clear that my marriage, my work and my teens would be badly impacted if she were here permanently. We could definitely manage with her in AL nearby but she just won’t consider it. My brother has offered the same solution near him but she’s also not willing to consider that. And because mum is forgetful but not incapable of making it clear that she wants to be ‘back in her own country, Ireland’, we’re forced into going along with what I think is the wrong move for mum. But as you say when the crisis hits I’ll cope somehow. It makes it all so much harder from a different country tooo but I have to keep reminding myself that to move back to Ireland was mum’s decision not mine and to a degree she has to live with that decision. Same for my sis, I didn’t make any of her choices for her.
In the US, there are professionals who help families deal with issues like yours. They are called “eldercare managers.” They are typically licensed social workers with knowledge of resources and connections with the right people to help you solve your problems. Their rates are reasonable.
Maybe there are equivalent professionals on your side of the big pond.
Families are tough. Staying out of sibling wars, with my two younger sisters, is possible because I have the two year younger sister, who was raised with the same parents I was. The oldest two were taught to take care of ourselves. The youngest two were taken care of more, enabled more. The differences between us can be vast.
The best advice I have is to not fight with siblings, no matter how tempting it would be to tear their heads off, cause it serves no one. I’m 38 years sober and feel for you, having the only sibling close enough to mom to help, be a drunk. It would be fantastic if she had that wonderful moment of clarity, that saved my life at age 24, and tossed the bottle. It can help to live one day at a time. It sure does help keep me sane sometimes. Take care.
But gosh sis is so self-absorbed, everything and everyone is against her, she says some really horrible things about mum and rarely speaks about her in a caring way even though mum has supported her financially for years. Mum and her have never got each other. When I speak to her she somehow makes me feel like such a horrible, uncaring person - I have to keep conversations short and avoid certain topics now for my own mental well-being but even that makes me feel cold hearted and awful. I’ve been trying to really think about why I find our relationship so difficult and I think that it’s the lack of trust - I don’t trust her and I feel like she’ll use anything I say against me in the future or as a reason for her behaviour, twisting my words if need be. Even when I do say what I think she doesn’t listen anyway.
All the siblings find her difficult, I think it’s mostly due to the drinking because when she hasn’t been drinking she is a lovely person but she’s using it to cope and can’t seem to stop and then sends long rambling emails or phones to criticise what she thinks we have or haven’t done for mum. A couple of the siblings have got to the point of not contacting her at all sadly, which I find difficult as then there’s more pressure on me to support her.
sorry this is a very long note. But thank you for your response. I really appreciate feeling like others are coping with similar.
Don't you just love stubborn. My DH does not want to be put in a NH. I told him I will care for him as long as I can but...he is not allowed to be stubborn. But then with stubborn people you let them just have their own way. Your Mom is entitled to live the way she wants. Tell her you love worry about her. Thats really all you can do. So for now, let it go.
Your sister, I know people I went to school with back in the 50s/60s that their childhood was not the best. The ones that I see who still live in town have done well for themselves. Scars probably but they have learned to push them aside. Then the "its your enviroment that as a child shapes the person you become" So that becomes the excuse why a now adult murders someone, his childhood. Yes, it does have something to do with how you react to things but we also can change that. Therapy may give us the tools to learn how to move forward. I have a cousin who is an alcoholic, maybe 20 yrs sober. He has been married 2x and divorced for domestic violence when he drank. He held down Union job until a disability that did not debilitated him to the point he can't do anything just he could not do his Union job. His parents were divorced and Dad was physically abusive. Mom, my Aunt, thought he was too much like his Dad. So he really had no support there. He has been in a long relationship. Has 3 kids of his own and 2 steps from one of the divorces that all keep in touch with him. But when he talks about things, its all about his childhood and how rotten it was. Nothing can be dine about it now. His parents are gone as are his 3 sisters. He has had therapy too. What I am saying is your sister will not get better until she faces the fact that the only person who can help her is her. She has to put all that hurt behind her and move on. Maybe someone should tell her she is such a sweet person until she drinks.
When there are siblings in a family, they each remember things differently. My oldest thinks we did more for the youngest and we did. The oldest had her son at 16. I watched him for 3 years so she could finish High school and go on to Nursing School, which we paid for. I did not work during that time. She used my car to go to school. Eight years difference in the girls ages so when youngest graduated, I was holding down a f/t job. We were able to afford a car for her and we didn't pay for most of her schooling. Two complete different scenarios.
You have filled us in very well about family.
Other than you and Sis, does anyone else speak about plans and about Mum?
It sounds Mum has known her options and that she wants to remain at home. She doesn't care to go into care of any sort. This will mean a possible decline at home, and an eventual need for some member of the family to step in and "handle things". Any plans on who that will be?
As to calls when one has been drinking, I would not do that. I would be honest to say I was so sorry but couldn't communicate when Sis has clearly been drinking, and would love a callback when she's feeling well.
Each of the siblings I would imagine has his or her "own history", the one he or she lives and the one he or she accepts and works with.
Right now it sounds there is not a lot to talk about. I would hope someone has access number of friends that Mum might have who can do a check on her? We often recommend APS here for wellness checks.
There could, now Mom is refusing care, be some catastrophic event. I know you understand that. It seems Mom would be aware of that as well, and that choice is one she has considered, and doesn't wish further help or care. Sister being in the neighborhood, with the drinking problem, may be less help and more problems and in all truth, could be in more danger right now than your Mom.
Welcome to Forum. We are glad to have you here.