My sister is 17 years older than me and we’ve always had a great relationship. She’s so funny and sweet and I love her so much, that when she knew it was time to have some help and assistance with her living situation after our brother, who lived with her, passed away, I moved in to help her until she could decide what she wanted to do.
I offered to have her come live with me at the beach, only about 10 miles south, and she loves it here! I have a single story duplex, with my son and family living above us and a beautiful backyard that she takes a daily sunbathe in. So she’s really happy. She loves the beach and all the things we can do together. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving etc. So all is well here at home between us.
My hurt comes from her kids, my niece and nephew. I’ve always had a great relationship with them but now neither one ever calls, texts or emails me. They seldom call their mom unless she calls them first. I keep sending texts with pictures of what’s going on with their mom and my son’s family, but never hear back from them. I’ve called them and they don’t call back.
Before my sister chose to move in with me, she discussed the move with her kids. They we’re concerned about her house, having to sell it and then moving and then got worried I was going to “take all her money”. I own my property in full, which is valued at over a million plus dollars, have money in the bank and financially fine. She sold her co-op for $160,000. She’s borrowed money from me that I know she won’t be able to pay back, but I am fine with that. She would do the same for me if things were reversed. So neither one of us gets why her kids have a problem, except my sister thinks it’s jealousy?
My nephew lived less than a mile away from her before she moved and seldom stopped to even see her unless she called him. He said his home was too small and couldn’t accommodate her. My niece lives in New Jersey and has a beach house in Virginia. She did offer to have her mom live there, but my sister realized both homes are three stories up, with the main house on the second floor and bedrooms on the third floor and my sister can’t do stairs any longer, one of the main reasons for her moving from where she lived. She also considered the cold winters and said that wasn’t for her, so chose to stay in sunny Southern California.
Unfortunately, as a side note, my niece and her husband are both alcoholics and have been unhappily married for 30 years and so my sister really didn’t want to live in that kind of continuous conflict. Or drive 5 hours back and forth between their two homes. My niece hasn’t been out to California for 7 years now to even see her mom, which again makes my sister feel bad.
Anyway, I just think it’s sad that because they treat me the way they do, it hurts my sister probably more than it hurts me. I can be okay with it because I have my kids close by and a new granddaughter that we all love and have fun with!
Any solutions? It’s tricky, because I would love our family back together again but I just don’t see that happening.
Thanks so much. I know this is long story, but it is complicated. Your help would be appreciated!
You can ignore this question, just curious. Why can't sister pay the loan back if she sold her condo for $160k.
I hope you are keeping her money separate from yours. It will cause problems if Medicaid is ever needed. Keep good records concerning her money so if her children ever question how it was used, you have proof. Keeping it in a separate acct will show the ins and outs. Mom got her statement every month. You could see her SS going in and the bills going out. She used her little pension for her spending money. When I took over her finances, I kept receipts for everything she or I bought with that money. If anyone questioned, I had proof.
Make sure everything is in order like POAs. Her Will is made out.
They sound to me like the kind of ingrate grown kids who would rather see mom holding onto the house, never spending any money, and counting her pennies daily to leave a greater inheritance for them. Good you for taking your sister in. I hope the two of you are having a great time, and I hope your sister spends every penny of the proceedings from selling her house on enjoying life. God bless.
I would avoid discussing this overmuch with your Sis. You two have a wonderful life, it sounds to me. Ideal really. If she brings it up then don't say much and say "I am sorry if this hurts you; I really don't know what to advise you; our kids have their own lives".
Your Sister's children have made their choices. There is nothing you can do about that but be open to POSITIVE communication they may make in the future. And be a comfort to your Sister. Just reassure her that they have their own lives, make their own choices, and she should just love them and be open to change if they decide to change; meanwhile to live the happy quality life you two have now, and ENJOY it. I am so delighted you two have one another.
Sometimes they're all lovey dovey kind and concerned and sometimes I'll go a month or more and just get dodged phone calls, emails, whatever. I'll start thinking "what did I do THIS TIME?" and usually, it's nothing. They're just busy with their own families. I'm annoying.
Likely your nieces and nephews are upset about the $$, but if they had any sense at all they'd realize that they are NOT OWED a dime from their mom's money. An inheritance is a gift, not a birthright.
All our kids make far more money than we do. FAR MORE. And yet, should DH and I die tomorrow they'd each inherit about $300,000. They know this, but honestly, that, to them that is just 'play money'.
DH and I will review our will every couple of years and we may alter it to leave it to the grands, in trusts to be used for COLLEGE. Or we may give it to a homeless shelter..point being...when you stop looking at a parent as a potential source of money--'someday' you have a really different perspective.
My MIL recently cut my DH out of her will but left him as executor. Great. He gets all that grunt work--and won't see a penny. Good thing we never planned that she'd leave him anything.
My sis and I talk about moving in together if we are widowed at the same time. I think it would be a hoot. (That sounds wrong, but you get my drift) You just enjoy your sister and your life.
You can't make people care if they don't want to. Just try to have a happy time with your sis, and don't take the other monkeys on your back. Enjoy the beach before our SoCal winter (usually a week in February) comes crashing in with a few raindrops! ;-)
So just go on with your life and your sister's life. You can't make them be nice. Make sure both of you have wills or trusts and POA. Make sure her kids are not POA. Keep the money separate. Make sure she is well taken care of. If not they will pounce on it and accuse you of neglect.
Just go along and be happy. Ignore them.