Why will you, or will you not, provide in-home care for your folks?

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Why will you, or will you not, provide in-home care for your folks?

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CaregiverL and lealonnie1: My mother has not been diagnosed with dementia. I thought of that also, but she has been this way for a long time. My husband told me she's been this way forever but it's just worse now. Yes, I also hold up "the shield" when in contact with her. Her doctors say she's capable of making her own decisions, even if I don't like those decisions - as a result, she cannot live in her own home due to her hoarding and refusal to allow anyone to clean it, she's in the hospital right now because she wouldn't tell anyone she was sick and so she wound up in the ER and then hospital with pneumonia and UTI and ulcers on her tongue. This is probably the 5th time she's done this - plus, when my brother I ask her to go to the doctor she refuses. Thus, the ER when she's near death with pneumonia. It's like she believes if she doesn't get help, then she's "independent". But she's actually very dependent on my brother and me, and I think it makes her very angry. The doctor told her to use a walker, but she refuses saying she doesn't need it. She refuses to use her cane at home. Won't get hearing aids - she'll tell you her hearing is "perfect". It goes on and on. She is so contrary and irrational that I do suspect dementia, but so far no such diagnosis. I am glad to know there are people who have the ability to take care of their elderly parents, and that there are parent s who are grateful for that help. Hugs to everyone.

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guiltandanger your mom sounds just like my mom. Still making her decisions. She is a hoarder also. She was in the hospital for 4 days and she shmoozed the doctors and nurses into believing she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I was too afraid to speak up and say she is a hoarder. If she ends up in the hospital again should I tell them she is a hoarder? Will that prevent her from going home? She would have to go to assisted living because my brother and I aren’t taking care of her in our homes. Is that the solution? I know if I say that my mother would definitely go into a tizzy and schmooze her way out of it somehow and she would never speak to me again. I know that as sure as I am writing this.

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Great thread, Lealonnie!

As you can see, many variables here. Lots of people raising valid points. I have enjoyed reading all of them. Thanks for posting an important question such as this and we are all learning from it. 😊

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When my father retired he and my mother moved to a trailer park in Sarasota. They would come up North to our house and my sister's house, spending a week or two at each, for the summer months and even would go with us when we had vacation rentals in New England. There was never any question that they should do anything else; we never turned them away. When they could no longer manage the home in Sarasota they came up permanently. Even one time we had them in the house and my son and wife and four little kids all in a 3 br. place (the basement had been converted into living quarters so it wasn't as bad as it sounds). Why did we do this? Family ties, maybe. My parents had emigrated to the US with my sister and me when she and I were still teenagers, right after WW2. Our bond was strong, and even my wife, and to some extent my sister's husband, went along. As a practical matter we had to accommodate them, and they us, but they were little trouble. When my mother became senile, maybe dementia but that was not diagnosed, my parents stayed with us, until my mother could go to a nursing home, and my father stayed with us and visited my mother every chance he got. Now as I see that and compare it to caregiving for my wife as it is now, I think if we had known of Home Health Aide service my mother could have stayed with us all the time. It might have been preferable to the nursing home. There were never agreements, formal or informal, to any of our family matters. I don't know if I could tell you of the pros of our arrangements, to us it was just a matter of family and adaptability. It was how we saw life.

As for the con side of the question, I have no experience to offer. I know of some family breakdowns but I don't want to speculate on the reasons for them.

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Everyones circumstances and challenges are different. Here is mine. My MIL moved with us over 7 years ago (stupid me, I agreed to this). Our lives have not been the same for the past two years. Dementia, balance problems and no one wanting to watch her anymore (family members). She is a fall risk, can't hear or see well, stubborn as a mule, and does not believe us. She constantly lies, does not want help (but she can't do it herself). My husband tries to help her but she refuses his help. I guess because he is male. I refuse to do a lot of things to help because my own mom is in a ALF, she is not able to walk. Told my husband if he wants his mom in the house and not in ALF then don't count on me for everything. I watch her for several hours several times a week, make meals, take care of her meds, but he must do the bathroom runs and bathing, only if necessary. She manages these things on her own but needs assistance because of the her balance. We have not had a vacation in 2 1/2 years. We retired for this purpose and now we are stuck. Did I mention she is 99. The drama every day is taking its course on our marriage, trying to maintain sanity between these two has been a challenge to me and our marriage. Because we believe this is happening for a purpose in our lives, is the only reason we keep going. He feels that as soon as he puts her in a nursing home, she will fall break a hip or something and that will be the end. So, I feel he is keeping her alive in his own way by keeping in a more safe environment even if it's causing all kinds of problem. I said my part.

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Does your husband ever stop and think about his mother’s quality of life? About the quality of life he is prolonging? I’m not saying any one of us should try to play god and decide when it’s someones time to go. I am just wondering why quality of life seems to not be an issue for some people.

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My husband offered for my mom to come here to live, but I said no. I really feel like having her come here would be no different than when she was still at home just laying around on the couch by herself. If we moved her free, it would have led her down that same path, as well as really putting an emotional toll on me. I am having a hard enough time emotionally with dealing with her being in AL near us.

At least in AL she has access to nurses, physical therapy, a chaplain ... to help keep her social. I don’t feel she would have gotten any of that here.

All that being said, I am still a total newbie at this. Every day brings a new challenge and a new emotional toll on me. I am so blessed to be able to be here for my mom, but I still wish it didn’t have to be this way. 😕

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I agree, Mom is safe and cared for with someone watching out for her 24/7. Nurses to check her meds, aids to help with bathing, laundry, housekeeping etc. It takes multiple people to do this not just a single person subject to burnout.

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The pros we had were both financial and the privacy issue. When we were dealing with nursing homes for rehab it was noisy with TVs blarring all night long. This way, my mom at my home in her own room was able to get sleep at night!

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Here's my experience, for what it's worth.

My Gram lived with Mom for 7 years. Gram was in her 90's, legally blind, bad arthritis in knees and hands, and starting to get forgetful. Gram needed the help to bathe, to dress, a little help to toilet, and increasingly to transfer from bed to chair to walk with her walker. Gram needed somebody to keep her meds straight, make sure she got the right meds, and ate 3 square meals every day. Mom and Gram did well together since Gram was easy-going and compliant. Mom has similar outlook/values as Gram. So their situation worked well. This is the good example of a "Yes, I'll take my parents in and help them".

Mom decided to sell her house after Gram died. Mom got a great offer the week she put her home on the market. Should have been a "Yeah, Mom!" moment. She was not prepared to move, had no place to move to, and needed to move in 30 days. I helped her move from Illinois to Florida to stay with us "for awhile". She promised it was only for a short time, couple months max. I gave her a large bedroom and "bonus room" for her stuff. The remainder went to storage for that eventual "new home". She slowly started having her stuff creep into other rooms of the house. Her housekeeping is more lax than mine and so is her hygiene. I asked her to let me help her clean her rooms. I asked her to bathe more often. I asked her to see a dentist about a horrendous case of "dragon breath". She resisted my suggestions. I needed to take allergy meds the entire time because she had mildew/mold on boxes in her room. After 6 months living with me, she finally decided she needed to move. It took 3 months to find a condo she liked and get her moved there. My hubby and I helped her with fixing it up. We put her on our dental insurance so she is finally getting her teeth fixed (lots of abscesses). She can still drive, take care of her own affairs, and has her own friends and activities. She and we are happier with us "helping her" without her living with us. When she has to move back, I will have an in-law cottage for her use. That will provide enough separation. She will have a feeling of control/ownership that she needs with a safety net of family "help". We will have the privacy/control we need as well to live according to our much different habits.

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Just buried my 95 yo mother two weeks ago. She lived with me nine years after my father passed. She was a total functioning independent senior citizen, driving, church, community activities, etc.

Two years ago signs of dementia progressed quickly, followed by a fractured shoulder and later a fractured hip. After two rounds of rehab with very little progress I decided I could take care of her just as good as the rehab employees. So for over eighteen months I was her caretaker. She received home care assistance that included nurse visits, an aide twice a week to bathe and dress her as well as an afternoon aide to relieve me for four hours a day. Mom and I had hours to chat and cement our mother/daughter relationship. In August her condition began to deteriorate further, packing food in her cheeks then not eating at all, not drinking and being able to swallow her meds, and losing significant weight. Mom eventually had to be placed on home hospice with someone from the care team visiting daily.

I am very relieved and at peace knowing I had the opportunity to provide care and solace to my mom in her final days.

Believe me the journey wasn’t an easy one. There were sleepless nights. Tons of frustration because she couldn’t/wouldn’t eat or drink, move on her own or assist me when I needed to move her BUT she was always thankful.

I would definitely do it again because I honestly feel it’s what she wanted me to do. I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to do it and demonstrate to my granddaughter what compassion is for your family but also for seniors.
In the beginning my patience needed improving because my caregiving experience was limited to mothering my child and grandchild, not adult care which is totally different.

My pros definitely outweighed my cons in the end. Not being a family of unlimited finances placing her a nursing home was absolutely out of the question. Caring for her at home was best for both her and me. Medicare and Medicaid contributed to her care by providing equipment and supplies necessary for her care.

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your story makes me take pause and realize how lucky I am, thus far.

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This question certainly applies to me. My Papa is 92 and lives alone. He has Parkinson’s, completely blind in one eye, 20/500 vision in his “good” eye, chronic pain from old injuries to his back and the THIRTY-FOUR FALLS he has had in the last 3 years from the Parkinson’s. I have no idea how someone can fall that many times and not get seriously injured, but somehow he’s managed. We are there twice a day. An aide is there 4 times a week for 3 hours each time. He refuses to move. Period.

He was in rehab 3 years ago after a fall. He should have stayed, but he talked his doctor into letting him go home. He wants to die in his home. And his doctor is behind him doing this. Until he falls and breaks a bone. Or goes completely blind. Or some other catastrophe.

We offered our home to him. He refused. We are glad he refused. He is the most bullheaded stubborn man I have ever met in my life.

Our home is our refuge, where we recover, after spending time with Papa. I can’t imagine having contact with him 24/7. I am close to losing my mind, as is.

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My mother has fallen 36 times that we know of, with no serious injuries either! We did find out she has broken ribs and sternum bones in different phases of healing, though, when she had a recent CAT scan. These fractures were from falls she kept hidden from me and the ALF, where she was able to get up by herself without help. She will be 93 in Jan. Amazing isn't it? I'm glad your dad refused your home. I'm going mad dealing with mother in memory care, never mind in my home!!!

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First of all, know that not every person or family are mentally and physically suited to be good caretakers, just as not everyone can be an engineer or a teacher, etc. We are all different. Some people work because they love their jobs and others because they have to work to exist and pay the bills. Often old people get very nasty, demanding, abusive, controlling and not nice to have around - they can cause all kinds of interference and problems. Think of the possible impacts on you and your family and what effect it will have long term. Are you willing to take that on? As to finances, there are ways to fund outside care but it takes time and effort to search for answers - but it can be done. What about your life and quality of life? Do you care about that or is your guilt too high and you feel obligated. These people have lived their lives. Now it is your turn. Think from every angle because things get worse rather than better as time goes on - and then what?

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For me, it's a matter of my elderly mother does not want to live with me. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for several years. If I disagree with her on any topic, then I am personally attacking her or she calls me "stupid". She says deeply hurtful things to me and expects me to keep on coming back for more. So, in my opinion, she has nothing but contempt for me and would never want to relinquish any control over her life by moving in with me. I stopped subjecting myself to her abuse about two years ago - I hang up the phone when she begins her abuse, or if I am seeing her in person then I leave immediately when she begins the abuse. Also, she has four cats and I am extremely allergic to cats, so she couldn't live with me and bring her cats. I refuse to live my life under the constant emotional abuse - it has caused serious physical/medical problems for me. When talking to her on the phone or seeing her in person, I feel like I'm walking on eggs or bombs, just waiting for the explosions (which cannot be predicted). She now lives with my brother, who has been easily manipulated by her for his entire life. Now he's miserable, seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety, and he's ready to put her in a nursing home. She is the sweetest little old lady in front of everyone else in the world. I felt guilty about not doing more for her or with her (after I stopped subjecting myself to the abuse), but now I just feel sad. +

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Guilt...is it possible she has dementia? They get verbally & physically abusive with that disease. Was she like that always? My mother became that way even though she was not like that before. Has she seen a neurologist? Medicine can control the anger & agitation. Hugs 🤗

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My sister (and next door neighbor) shared in home care for our Mom. We wanted her there and we were both able to retire eo we could care for her in her home (my sister was already living with her). But...your question cannot have a black and white answer. Many factors play in the answer. The caregivers age, health, employment, relationship to the person in need, location, other family and obligations.....I'm sure there are more. While caring for Mom my sister's back layed her up for 3 weeks so i stayed at their house 24/7 to care for her and Mom. Not everyone has support and back up. We were for each other. And to those who choose not to care for a loved one at home, it does not make you less loving, or selfish, or anything negitive. Wanting the best for a loved one and seeing they get it is what's loving and giving. I one can do the financial keeping, bless you. I did it and hate it....i hate numbers and managing someone else's money but there was no one else to do it. We all gave our roles in caring for our loved ones. Which ever is "your" role it is important...and an act of love and caring 💕🙏

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So, my circumstances are a bit of a different spin on it, though I'd guess I'm not the only one...I am in my parent's home. Life takes different turns for people and it is too long and personal a story to share. But I am here and so I feel it is, most of the time, a trade-off...however...as their needs increase, as I contemplate the future there are more times I fantasize about having taken my only sibling's path and running far away to let these people fend for themselves. They would do poorly and for sure wind up in some godawful medicaid facility. So yeah, in spite of the differences and antgonism and demands as I have become Dad's "wifey", I will be here and do for them. The benefits go both ways. I feel like I know, to some extent how the plot of this story is going to go and sometimes I wish I could skip the middle hard part and get to the end...where I hope I have my health and have some energy restored and time to enjoy with my those I really love. Don't get me wrong...I love my parents...but the demands and needs are increasing; my father is naive and remains clueless as to what the outcome would be without me...the savings would be gone quickly at today's rates. For now I feel more the dutiful daughter doing payback. And yes, I am now officially a senior as well. I must continue with my employment to protect my own income source.

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To AlvaDear...Not having the personality who could take care of a loved one at home does NOT make you a bad inadequate person. Wanting the best care for that person is what is important. In home care vs facility is not a black and white question. Bless you for knowing your "limitations."

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I moved in with my mom after a short debate over whose house would be best (in different states). I was her only unmarried child with no kids of my own. I always assumed I would end up with her, just because she and I had the most compatible temperaments and lifestyle among her 5 kids. I had health problems at the time & at first she helped me more than I helped her. After 18 years of this arrangement, the roles gradually flipped and I do more caretaking and home management. Her better finances keep me in a very nice home that I could not otherwise afford, and I reciprocate by being her companion, chauffeur, medical manager, financial manager, and household manager. My siblings appreciate my efforts. I'm now in my mid 60's and she is in her mid 90's.

We looked into assisted living, but thought it was expensive, already have a handicap accessible house, and she didn't really want to leave. If only we knew how long she will live - financial planning would be easier (lol). We will bring in help as long as it is practical and she is safe. We have a home health aid for 3 hours/week, house keeper every 2 weeks, lawn care, and snow plower. I encouraged her to make sure all legal paperwork is in order (trust, will, durable power of attorney, health care proxy).

NOTE... if my Father had outlived my mother, this would have been a much different story. He was a bear to live with and I would not have chosen to move in with him.

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I could not, and would not, for several reasons.
I am still employed and my mother got to the point where she needed someone to check in on her several times a day.
I helped to keep her in her own home for as long as possible - taking her to appointments, bringing groceries, doing laundry, etc.
But when it became apparent (to me, but not her) that she could no longer stay at home, I hired an "elder care advocate" to help me find the best facility and get her moved.
I visited every weekend and tried to make sure she was as comfortable as possible.

Aside from being unable to do the care-giving required, I couldn't live with my mother even if her health and physical condition had been better.
She was NPD (Narcissistic) and was never the mother I needed, wanted, or deserved.
But, that's a discussion for another time...

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My mom NPD as well. I know how damaging their abuse is. My parents moved in 20 years ago when my dad started dementia and mom couldnt handle him alone. She is getting worse with age with her narcissism but I have learned her tactics and protect myself best I can. It is very hard

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Unwilling to live in her house--it's on a gravel road behind drug-dealing apartments, and ever since she almost died there in April, it's pretty creepy. But it took several years of serious thought to come to that realization. Luckily there was time, as my mother's symptoms of dementia very gradually increased, for me to think about what it would mean to give up my life, move 3,000 miles, and move in with her. At first it did seem to be the natural, obvious conclusion, especially since I'm unmarried, don't own a house, and my financial situation is not good. But finally I decided it's my life and I'm the only one who can fight for it. Right now she's in memory care. She is mobile, coherent, still quite agreeable and passive generally, and I would be willing to live under the same roof with her--but it would have to be in the location I choose, in a house I would buy with her money. For now, she has been in memory care for 6 months. I was there for 3 months in spring, spent 6 hours per day with her at rehab and memory care, so I feel confident the memory care is fantastic. Her friends from the neighborhood visit occasionally, and she still has the fantasy/delusion she will be going home soon, which I think keeps her from panicking. But I feel bad I don't see her--I left in late June, next saw her in September. It's not what I would want for myself, and she deserves more. On the other hand, she had many years in which to make different choices, and she had the financial resources to make almost any choice. She knew what was coming, saw it with her own mother and other relatives. She refused to change anything. She stayed in her house alone until she almost died. Now she is totally dependent on my choices.

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I have my mom in a facility for several reasons. The first was because I was working and it was a surprise to take her on, so no time to try to find someone to stay with her while I worked. Another was her diagnoses, one of which was Moderate Alzheimer's with psychoses and her statement that she wanted to kill me. Another was that I have stairs in my house that she would have to scale to go to the bedroom and bathroom. This was unsafe for her to do. Another was that I wanted her to have the opportunity to meet people her own age and form friendships with them since she was new to the area and her friends that she had known were either dead, or they had moved away to be with their friends or their children. These are still viable reasons even though I am now not working. She has added diagnoses that are health related added to the original ones. I am actively hands on and watch her like a hawk as well as those who are charged to care for her. I let them know that I am the daughter, the POA, the court appointed Guardian, and....an R.N. and I am SERIOUS about my mother's care.

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After a stroke, we moved my Mom in with us and provided her care. She paid for a bathtub-shower conversion which was extremely helpful and worth the expense. I was her FT Caregiver for 4 months, and my husband and 25 y/o daughter helped. A lot of physical assistance and 24/7 toileting was needed for the first 2 months. I am 55. For much of my life my Mom and I were not close; though we agreed to do what we felt families should do, a bit of history made it hard for me to give my life to hers. We tried having a Caregiver and Daycare that gave me 15-20 hours a week of time for me, but it wasnt enough. I was up with her every morning, put her to bed every night and we were together the rest of the time. I became short with her and knew we both deserved better. About a month ago, we found an AL where her assets will allow her to stay for quite a few years. She did not want to go, but we explained and discussed many times that if life wasnt working for us all, then we would have to find a place. She will need to move to one where they accept Medicaid some years from now, or if she becomes too ill for aging in place care at this small facility. Not my choice, but it will have to be that way. She has been in her new home for only 2 weeks. We have our privacy back and she has more freedom, activity with others and socialization. I've seen her a few times a week, she will call me if she needs me(rarely!) and we enjoy our time together. I monitor her care and notify the staff if anything is not being done as it should be for her. My personal view after doing this is that no one HAS to be a family member's Caregiver if it does not provide the happiest, safest and most beneficial life for all involved. For those that constantly are stressed out mentally and physically, it truly is YOUR choice to make. It is a hard decision, and one I struggled with for 3.5 months, but I finally had to make it. And I worry if they will provide the best care, but I will oversee it. My spent 21 years as an AF medic, so I know what to look for and what to do. And falls can happen anywhere; I had to come to terms with that issue! So for my family and my Mom, being her Caregiver only worked for a while, as long as I could bear it. Now I have my sanity and my life back, and my Mom is creating a new one where she is. We are able to create a different family dynamic, a more positive one. I know I would feel a different desire to care for my husband or children and it may even last longer, but each event would be a new journey. My 3 children are fully aware that we do not want them to stop living to care for us unless they simply want to and love to Caregive! We've told them to find the best place, move us in, advocate for good care and visit. I want them to live thier lives. Good Luck to you and yours oxox

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Well said, thank you for sharing!

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Good morning. My husband and I were willing to take my mother into our home in order to slow down how quickly her retirement savings were used. She didn't have a lot of retirement money and if we became her caregivers, we felt she would have a more comfortable life, and her money would still be there when she required more medical attention than we could give to her.

Sadly, that only lasted 9 days. We had to put her back in assisted living. The whole intent for bringing her home was that she was able to use her walker in our house. We tried to tell her that the wheelchair is too big as we live in a 960 sq ft double-wide mobile home. It was hard to get her down the hallway and then the transitioning from chair to toilet was taking its toll on my back. I'm 71 and my husband 75. It just didn't work. So we took her back, and her money continued to disappear. I ended up getting a job in order to make up the difference for her room and board at the private pay facility. We looked at Medicaid facilities and they were just awful.

My story was longer than I had planned. Anyway, My only advice is if you have a house big enough that your parents would have their quarters large enough for them to be comfortable, and most important, have in home care help as much as you or they can afford because your life is truly not your own and the toll it could take on your marriage may not be something you want to risk. I think it is a wonderful and courageous thing to do by 24/7 care of your parents. I'm sure you'll have a lot of opinions to the pro/con options you are looking for with this life changing decision.

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I had my parents move in with me and we took care of each other until my parents passed away in 2014.

It was only the natural thing to do: having them move in. They took care of me when I was a child. I took care of them when they needed the help.

Circle of Life.

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All you need to do is read the MANY threads on here which discuss just this. For me, tried to help my mom..until she kept leaving the house open, set a kitchen fire, and I lost my privacy and ability to have a life. I became a chauffeur, cook, cleaner, and could go nowhere. So she moved out after the fire, and I’ll never ever do it again. With ZERO guilt.

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My own folks are both gone, so for us, that question never came up.

My parents-in-law, however, are both frail but very much alive.

They, along with all 3 children, plus me as daughter-in-law, agreed many years ago that - as much as we genuinely love each other - there is no bloomin' way our collective personalities could *ever* allow our generations to blend households.

They did resist leaving their home, long after it became untenable. At one point my local SIL lived at their place for a few months, but she HAD to move after a while (to no one's surprise or disapproval).

Parents-in-law finally saw the light after too many ER visits (not life-threatening, but worrisome). They now reside in Independent Living. The facility also offers Assisted Living (on several levels) and Memory Care.

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So this is what sane people do! They made a good choice.

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I fall into the unwilling category for various reasons. I want my privacy. I very much need my quiet time and my space. I don't want to be treated like a child as an adult in my own home. I don't want to see my parents every single day. I don't want to provide care to my parents every day. I don't want my house filled with people visiting my parents. I don't want to cook more than the meal I feel like eating. I don't want to be "ON" 24/7. I don't want to make concessions all the time because that is what it takes to live with a parent whose needs are only going to increase. I don't want to watch the decline from a front row seat. I need my sleep and am a grouch when it's interrupted. I'm selfish and I just don't want to!

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You’re so confident and smart! You know exactly who you are.

So many of us caved into guilt. Even against our own desires, our own better judgment, knowing deep down in our souls that it’s not a good idea. We still do it out of obligation. Hate to call it dumb, but what else is it? Confused maybe? VERY confused! Brainwashed from a child.

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Stigma: If a woman does not work outside the home.
Stigma: If a woman does work outside the home.

One is NOT better than the other.
Try not to exploit your differences.
Be kind.

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Oh, so true! I’ve done both. They are both work!

Question though? Did anyone while at home wish that they were working at a ‘paying job’ and what about those with ‘outside paying jobs’, ever wish that you were home even if it meant sacrificing a paycheck? Such a controversial topic, isn’t it? Comes down to choice. One isn’t better than the other as sendhelp has stated so well.

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Unwilling. I currently live with my mother part-time in her home. I thought I would be able to handle it but it gets on my nerves. The short story is I work nearer to her house than my own (which is 3 hours away). Her health has deteriorated and I have turned into her part-time caregiver. I take her to all doctor's appointments, do some of the food shopping, help clean the house, prepare meals, household tasks, etc. I did ask my ex sister in law to help and she does a little bit of cleaning once a month or so.

When there I have no privacy until I go to bed. She wants to know what time I will arrive from work if I am going to be late, who I am with, where I am going, etc. I know she enjoys having me there in the evenings for the evening meal. On weekends I go to my own house and look forward to having that little bit of time to myself, see my own kids, grand-kids, friends, etc. If I take a vacation (which I am next week and which are my goals for 2020 and 2021) she doesn't like it. I have two living brothers, one of whom is mentally ill and unable to help. He wouldn't anyway even if he was not sick. My other brother ignores her most of the time (maybe has her for dinner once a month) but for her the sun rises and sets with him. Tired of that too. Unequal treatment, unequal responsibilities. She's always going on about how busy he and his wife are with their business, house, etc. Am I'm not?

Having said all that and done this now for 3-1/2 years, I can say unequivocally that I will not move her into my home to care for her when I retire in two years. She will sell her house and that money will pay for AL. She has had her life. I want to have mine. When her parents were old and sick she did very little for them and refused to take in her dad at the end of his life.

I have told my adult children that I am not interested in living with them if/when the time comes that I cannot care for myself. I don't want to spend their inheritance, but I don't want to live with them either.

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My mother does the exact same thing with my son..............carries on about how BUSY he is, yada yada. Why, I wonder, is HE so busy but I am not? Nor is my daughter, who is an RN in a busy downtown hospital in a very stressful unit working 12 hour shifts!! Again, it's the sexist nonsense of the male species being superior to the female, no matter WHAT. So sick of the excuses she makes for HIM and the expectations she has of the rest of us.

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The TV sure wasn't it for my Mom at all and our home wasn't unstimulating or isolating.Sure,the TV was on ,but we never watched it much because we had other things to do.
No matter how sick Mother was,we always went to her Art group and Bridge Club and PEO luncheons and ofcourse the beauty shop and many days we went shopping or out to eat or had a picnic lunch in the park,or went to the library or Barnes and Noble,etc.
My Uncle,her faithful brother visited every day and brought Mother and I special treats he cooked or flowers from his garden.A lady from Mother's Hospice came 3 times a week and gave Mom backrubs and we fed the birds and walked around the block everyday.Some days I wheeled Mother through the house and we explored and she told me about things and every Halloween,I dressed Mother up in her Lady GaGa costume and we answered the door together and gave out the cupcakes we had made the night before .We celebrated all the holidays and decorated had some great times &.Sometimes we put on the TV and went to You Tube and I put in her favorite songs and we listened to those and even sang together,we did lots of things so Mother and I kept busy and made alot of wonderful memories together&.She did much better at home in her comfort zone and she certainly wasn't bored&.Along with her oxygen and breathing treatments, in a wheelchair and everything else,we continued to live the best we could.
Mother did alot better at home than she would have in a NH,I'm sure.

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Wow, that is an amazing environment you provided for your mom! With most of us working, we aren't in a position to provide such stimulation for our elders. When I was growing up and my grandmother lived with us, my mother did not work outside the home. The stimulation grandma received daily was ironing, washing clothes, helping to cook and doing housework in general. That was IT.

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Do I have a spouse? And/or children? My immediate family will always take precedent over in-home care of parent/s. IMHO having any immediate family should be a dealbreaker. Even if one spouse doesn't work.

Being cared for in a private home can be very isolating and unstimulating for seniors (a sterile environment) especially if it is just them and a single caregiver. A care facility that is in close proximity where the family can visit for as much as they want and then leave seems to be the ideal arrangement. This is, of course, assuming that the LO is in a trustworthy place.

Often, well-meaning people commit to caregiving without really understanding what they are signing up for. No one can ever fully imagine how physically, emotionally, financially and relationally draining it will probably be. This forum has been extremely instructional to me. As an only child to a (challenging) single parent, I've made known to her what my limits will be and she understands and agrees. I've also already "released" my sons of ever even considering this for me and my husband. I'm unwilling to do it and unwilling to have my children to do it for me.

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You make an excellent point in that home care for the elderly is isolating and not stimulating. What sorts of activities go on in-home for the seniors, esp. those with dementia? None. In AL and MC, there are tons of activities, meals, outings, etc., that provide the required stimulation. Yesterday, in the MC I work at, the activities director was helping the residents paint and decorate mini pumpkins together. My favorite was the one that was decorated with pom-pom earmuffs! After dinner, someone was coming in to do hand massages. At home, there's a television set and that's about it.

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UNWILLING. I admit I would probably be consumed with guilt, since I think I have an internal notion that children are obligated to take their parents in. But out of self-protection I think I would rather deal with guilt than invite the constant emotional abuse that she would bring with her. Not to mention the "little" things: lack of privacy (I'm a SERIOUS introvert & she wants to be in your face talking constantly), she wants it 85° and I find 78° intolerable. Thankfully my house, while there's an extra bedroom, has lots of stairs & is senior-unfriendly. Too dangerous for her. Can you tell I'm not real good at standing up to her?

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For me also the question was ‘for how long’. I moved into my mother’s flat for the 4 weeks after she was discharged from hospital until she died from cancer. I was glad to rise to the emergency and let her die at home. That was what she wanted, and what she did for my grandfather when I was a child. It was very hard (for us both) but we both knew that it wasn’t going to last long. She wasn't always easy to get along with over the long term, but I loved her very much. No I didn’t object to looking after incontinence, it was just a part of the problem. I wouldn’t (and couldn’t financially) do that long term. It was a difficult part of my life, but it didn’t take over my life like long term care does.

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Amen 2that Margaret!

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