Why turn on one another? Caregiving is tough enough.

I can see your point.

I, myself rarely address the emotional issues someone is going through....because, I feel that a virtual *hug* does very little to move the discussion forward.

I suppose that lack of commiserating may be viewed as missing the point. But, also..keeping to the basic facts and the obvious issues, seems more like offering real information, real information is useful to help solve problems.

if I have offended anyone with this fact based approach, it was not intentional.

I love KatieKate's response, and I would love to echo it, especially that last line. That said, I do wonder how any thread here got "eliminated" because I think we are powerless to do that? If anyone knows otherwise do let me know. I think that if a thread was eliminated then it must have been an admin on the site who did so, and very likely with good reason.

Alva there are moderators here that delete posts and edit replies.

Amen.  We should all choose our words as carefully as possible and be kind to all who post, as well as those who respond.  If not for sites like this, many may have nowhere else to turn to talk about these things and vent.  Some are afraid to post or even changed their screen names in an effort, presumably, to avoid harsh responses.  No one should be made to feel like that.  Thank you for posting this.

Yes this site is essential for all of us who need a listening ear. We need to stick together.

Those involved in that thread have received emails. The Administrator has handled the situation privately.

I was not on last night so didn't see it. I think at this point we should just let it go.

I won't harp on this but will just say this once that it seemed to make some go anonymous which I find sad. People should be able to stand behind their comments.

There is a wonderful book, the 5 Languages of Love. It discusses how we each give and receive love differently.

I sure an equivalent book could be written on the sharing of advice. Geaton777 has given us quite a few references to Scripture. I respect that, but I am not religious. It does not mean I cannot find truth or comfort in her quotes.

I am a problem solver at heart. I push past the emotions and get right to what I see as the main issue that needs to be solved. I may see abrupt or uncaring, but that is far from true. If I did not care, I would not post.

If I comment that some one appears to be enmeshed with their parent to the point it is harming their other relationships, it is because I was there. I have had years of therapy to get past it.

When I say hang up the phone, it is because I was taught that I was not allowed to turn away from an elder, no matter the harm they were doing to me. To the point I became very ill from the stress. I could sugar coat it, but it does not have the impact of saying you can hang up, you can walk away, you do not have to answer the phone.

Was it Dear Abby or Ann Landers that said the only person you can change is yourself? How many first posts ask, "How can I change x,y,z, in my sibling, parent, spouse or child?"

I find it very sad that a valuable poster, who offered her professional advice is being maligned after she has left the site. She offered all of us her expertise, that would cost upwards of 250.00 an hour to buy, at no charge and because she didn't sugar coat her answers the attack escalated until she left. I personally saw her name dragged into ugly situations that she had not even posted on.

I hope that we can all be kinder to everyone in the future. Barring that perhaps we can just not say anything if what we have to say is not kind.

Judging others using scripture is unfair, because it is cherry picked to make them wrong, that is not the spirit that scripture should be used for, we should use it to lift one another up. This person has had personal struggles that would break any of us and she grew stronger and hardened her heart because of the unkind treatment she received when she was drowning, this wasn't a safe place for her, shame on us all for every single person that left because they were attacked for their differences.

I am so sorry that my comment made someone delete their account. I was not judging her comment. I just felt that things were handled and better to just move on from it. I apologize.

I totally agree!!
I have also had replies to my posts that were extremely harsh.
We come here because we're hurting and in need of some uplifting advice.
Let's be mindful of each other's feelings. None of us is perfect, but we're all in the same boat!

Really sad and sick is a poster who is here playing people. Giving alot of long winded replies when it seems to truthfully be stalking!

Sorry I missed it

Barb has returned, but has said that she is going on a long vacation. You can't send her a message, because everything is set to private.

I haven't been on in a few days so I missed the thread. I too have noticed and commented that some posters like to make things personal. Unfortunately my pleas to keep things civil have been generally met with derision. I try to keep discussion about the topic. It's one thing to get heated talking about an issue. It's quite another when the only contribution someone makes is to slight another poster. I admit that when I'm attacked, I'll attack right on back. But I try not to throw the first punch.

Let's try to keep discussion to the topic at hand and not name people just to disparage them.

I’m sorry if I had offended anybody the other night. I certainly didn’t mean it. I have to remember that when an OP posts something they are usually at a low point and possibly in crisis. I need to remember to have empathy and compassion. I have only been here a few months but Needhelpwithmom, Barbbrooklyn, lealonnie, worriedincali and others have shown me empathy and compassion when I have been at a low point with my mother. You all have helped me. I am so grateful for this site. I am so glad that Barbbrooklyn has come back. She sent me links to borderline personality disorders regarding my mother when I was trying to figure out why she was acting the way she was her whole life. I have been grateful for the links she shared with me. Barbbrooklyn, you truly are a gem. You have a heart of gold. Thank you for sticking around.

It is sad to be sure when bickering occurs. I came here through the advice of a social worker that I found while researching support for caregivers. It’s very helpful to speak to others in similar situations.

Later I went to a caregiver group that was held at an assisted living facility. I found out about it because I had toured the facility for my mom and the lovely receptionist was friends with the social worker who ran the group. She asked if she could give my phone number to the social worker. I said yes.

The social worker called me personally and even though mom didn’t live at the assisted living facility she invited me to attend the group. It’s held once a month for the families of the people living at the facility. I was happy to attend it.

I met some nice people at the meetings. The social worker who leads the group has a mom at the assisted living facility so she relates to caregivers very well.

I think going to an in person support group is more personal but that isn’t possible for everyone. One drawback is only meeting once a month instead of weekly. Some of us have met for coffee outside of the group which is nice.

The social worker and I meet independently too. Our personalities clicked. I feel it’s natural to be drawn to certain people and feel a closer connection because of similar views on experiences.

Although, in general I am accepting of differences. I’m open minded to a variety of opinions on issues and enjoy differences because I have a chance to see another point of view.

In person meetings are similar to this forum focusing on different needs. For instance, a woman in our group is having trouble adjusting to her husband not being able to remain in the assisted living facility that she loves.

Her husband became too ill and she had to place him in a skilled nursing facility. Another woman was dealing with a diagnosis of ALZ with her husband and he never wanted her to leave his side. She was going stir crazy. One woman was saying she had a difficult time with her mom’s constant insults.

The leader teaches coping skills and she also informs the group about community events such as awareness walks to raise money for ALZ and so forth.

Some people are religious. Some aren’t but everyone has been respectful. Live and let live. The leader is not religious. She doesn’t stop religious discussions though. No one tries to convert anyone which is how I feel it should be. If someone wants more information they can ask.

Caregivers are under a lot of pressure and shouldn’t be pushed. Offering prayers is kind and even the non religious people are not offended in our group and say thanks.

I generally feel people aren’t as brazen in real life. I suppose the ‘cyber bullying’ happens sometimes because of the anonymity on a forum.

I love the convenience of an online group. Some people may like the anonymity.

The bottom line is whether it’s an in person or online group everyone should feel welcome and safe to speak. It’s important to remember that new people are entering all the time and they deserve a warm welcome and to feel harmony within the group.

If a misunderstanding occurs we can do our best to explain, apologize if necessary and respect someone’s space if they desire a break.

Let me take the opportunity to say thank you to all who have helped me and also say I am sorry for any misunderstandings on my part or saying something that hurt anyone due to my own frustration.

No one is perfect. If something wasn’t intentional forgive, let it go and move on. I think if we are stressed and what caregiver or former caregiver that is healing doesn’t feel stress, then we may be a bit more sensitive than usual.

NHWM,
You are an example to many who succeeded in ending the live-in part with your own Mom. I feel that everyone knows that was not easy, and still isn't.
This is meant as encouragement for others who have not yet been able to walk away when needed.

[from the internet]

Walking is the best exercise! This year, 'Walk Away' from arguments that lead to nowhere but anger.
'Walk Away' from people who deliberately put you down.
'Walk Away' from any thought that reduces your worth.
'Walk Away' from failures and fears that stifle your dreams.

The more you Walk Away from things that poison your soul, the happier your life becomes.