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I was sole caregiver for over ten years for both elderly parents and am now sole caregiver for my surviving parent, my 93-year-old mother, who is now frail and I dare not leave her alone. Over the years my own life has shrunk as caregiving became more consuming, but I do have two very good friends and confidantes who know I have been burnt out for a while. I support them in their own travails too as any real friends do. One of the friends has been so generous and supportive and anticipated all kinds of needs, but the other one hasn't even offered to come sit for an hour so I could do something urgent. I did ask her once to do so and she agreed, but then my appointment fell through. I just don't understand it and it hurts my feelings. My mother doesn't need any scary tending to, and my friend's own family obligations are few--her children are grown and her husband is still working in an actual office, so he isn't home during the day. Her own aging parents live out of town and stubbornly refuse to move, so she hasn't had to care for them yet. What could be going on?

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If you have read any of these forums, you will find a common thread....we can't even get assistance from our siblings or other family members who should be helping. I would never expect a friend of mine to take on that kind of responsibility and I definitely wouldn't ask.

This isn't your friends issue. You need to hire help.
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Hire a caregiver sitter a couple of times a week on a regular basis so you can take care of your business and get a break. It is best to have that arranged anyway; since your mother is in her 90's, you are elderly yourself. I am sorry your life has shrunk but that is your doing and now you need to look at how you might change your situation for the better. You don't mention finances and that could be a factor but no way you should think that your friend failing to bail you out is because she is a bad friend.
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I agree with most of the responses. But I do have to say that not everyone is comfortable with elderly people just as some people love to be around babies and other do not. I would rather sit with a cranky elderly person than an angelic child. So it goes the other way too. My childhood best friend, who was my maid of honor and with whom I've just celebrated 50 years of friendship, never once offered to babysit my two children, and they weren't bad kids (not just a mom's opinion - I had a preschool teacher tell me that my husband and I needed to have more kids to make up for the crazy ones). She just didn't like kids.
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Because it’s not her responsibility. You shouldn’t expect it either.
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Some people simply don't want the responsibility or stress of being a caregiver. She is obviously a good sounding board and emotional support for you. It sounds like although caregiving is not her jam, she is willing to help you out in a pinch, which tells me she cares about you and is a good friend to you. Perhaps you should look into getting respite care for mom so that you can spend more time with your friends, and also start doing some things you enjoy.
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Theres nothing going on except for the fact it’s not socially expected that you sit for a friends relative. It sounds like both your friends are supportive but it’s not at all the case that being a supportive friend means that’s supposed to include taking care of someone’s 93 year old parent—- it’s a job even many adult kids of the parent avoid and pass on to hired caregivers. There’s also liability- it’s just not the type of thing that’s considered a every day part of what it means to be a supportive friend is. Look into other relatives, or make use of a agency who can have someone watch her for those occasional times. Also you aren’t required to continue doing this if it’s causing you too much stress
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Lifelong friend of mine and I each had our own caregiving struggles going on with elders, but we both stayed out of the other one's situation - other than just to listen. We never discussed helping each other and never made any assumptions as to what the other could or couldn't do. In the depths of my caregiving depression, I slipped a little bit and did let myself wonder why Friend didn't offer to help me.... but it was my desperation tapping me on the shoulder rather than a true desire to drag a dear friend into a situation that she could not truly improve for me - let alone resolve it. Best to keep friends out of it - unless it's a true, self-contained, single instance of help without further assumptions of what else the friend might be able to do. People who help who do not want to be caregiving or are afraid of the situation are not going to continue to treasure the friendship that led them into that abyss.
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RoxaneF: It is NOT your good friend's responsibility to provide care for your mother, albeit for an hour. Your friend may not possess medical knowledge nor really be in tune to your mother's health requirements.
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Do you ever unburden on her? Say- I had such a hard time turning my mom in the bed this morning. Or she almost fell off the toilet. I had a hard time getting her there. She was very stiff today. If she hears those stories, she might think she's not up to that task.
Id keep her as a good friend, and get someone to watch mom. Maybe you 2, can go do something fun. And leave your caregiving burdens behind for a few hours. You need a break too, and shouldn't put that on her. Good way to destroy a friendship. Keep the friend and get a sitter.
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Be thankful they are friends and appreciate the support they give you in other ways through listening, etc. Also, please recognize that you don’t really know what goes on in other peoples lives or how much free time they have. It’s kind of the older person’s version of assuming housewives have nothing to do all day but watch soap operas if you think your friend has few obligations. Even if she did have few obligations, friends can be friends without being your babysitter, or elder-caregiver.
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I would never expect my friends to help me with my parents (now just my Mom) It would be nice if family helped and I am lucky to have a sister who comes every couple of months.

It sounds like you need someone to fill in so you can attend to your appointments etc. hire an Aide to sit with her one day a or two half days a week so you can have some time to tend to your needs.

i am glad you have at least one supportive friend, you are blessed
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Maybe you can hope for, (but not expect back), support only to the extent of the travail-support you have already actually given.

It maybe helpful to kind of categorize and periodically recategorize friends as you each evolve.

There are friends who are able to offer say 3 skill sets. 1) great shopping buddy. 2) great foodie buddy. 3) great listener and advisor. After 5 years they offer more or less.

Recatagorize this one who's been letting you down in the Mind-Reading-and-Help category to the I Enjoy Her Politics category, or Garage Sale Buddy category, or Always Finds Great New Restaurants category.

Not everyone has to do something. I had a friend that was completely useless except she was hilarious.
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I NEVER expected my friends to come and sit with my mother while I ran errands. I hired and paid sitters to do that.

I think it is UNREASONABLE of you to expect friends to be your unpaid sitters. I hope you compensate the friend that does help. Her time and generosity should not to be taken and used for free again and again.
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Your friend probably watches you struggle and has set an imaginary border of not getting involved. You can ask her why she never offers if you prefer the blunt truth.

How about calling "Visit Angels," or seeking out respite care at a local senior facility?
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ConnieCaretaker Jun 2022
Oops..............Visiting Angels
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It sounds like either she does not like old people or she is afraid of the responsibility of caring for your Mother.
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Beatty Jun 2022
🤔 Liking old people & afraid..

Friend may *like* the Mom very much..

I would change the word *afraid* to *aware*.

She is *aware* of the responsibility of caring for your Mother".

She is probably also aware that the responsibility is in no way hers.
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You answered your own question. You have a friend who generously (frequently?) helps and a friend who sees it’s as support on a repeatable indefinite basis.
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Maybe she's sending you a message. Even good friends are no replacement for professional care givers. I'm sure your friends are great. But there's the point. They're FRIENDS who OFFER to help OCCASIONALLY It sounds to me like they're trying to tell you to either contact an AL or a HHA. And nothing personal, but it also sounds like your taking advantage that they'll always be available to come running whenever you call and that's not fair to them. Or your mom.
Start looking for other avenues. If your mom has any kind of government funding help, SSI SSD Medicare/Medicaid a pension anything like that, that may help to pay for either an AL or a Home Health Aide.
It's time to cut your friends and yourself a little slack and do what's best for everyone, especially your mom.
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Fear: Fear that something could happen to your LO while under her care. Selfish: Selfishly unaware of your feelings because she’s into her own life. Sometimes, people who have never walked in our shoes are oblivious to what we face and how we feel. We THINK that they should be sympathetic but often they are clueless to our world. You can come right out and ask her to do it, but don’t be disappointed if she’s uncomfortable about it.
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cpell122112 Jun 2022
I don't think it's selfish for a friend who helps occasionally to back off when "occasional" is becoming "frequent". A line has to be drawn somewhere.
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Some people are just not good at initiating things like that. You did say that when you specifically asked for help she agreed, and then your appointment fell thru. SO maybe you should be direct and say "I have a really big favor to ask you. Would you be willing to stay with my mom for 2 hours per week, so I could go out and run some errands and just take a breather?" Your other friend obviously has more of a server personality where she anticipates the needs of others. This friend doesn't. It's not a knock against her, it is just the way she is wired. She obviously cares for you, and has been a good friend. She just doesn't anticipate needs.
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We hired a family member to come stay with my Mom 3hrs./3 days a week. We are also looking to enroll her in medical day care. I would never ask my friends to sit with my mom.
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cpell122112 Jun 2022
You HIRED A FAMILY MEMBER? Ok, excuse me but, if you could hire a family member, although the words "Family Member" really doesn't go together with words like, "To look after mom". If you have something you can hire someone with, why not a home health aide?
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Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need. Some people love a challenge but others retreat at unfamiliar situations. It's very likely your friend doesn't feel confidant taking over and being alone with your Mom. When someone has no experience doing something, they usually shy away. Taking care of an elderly person is a huge responsibility, and anything can happen. That's probably your friend's fear. That said, you should ask for help for a short period of time one day. That will give her the "experience" to feel more confident the next time. Ultimately, she may never "volunteer" but as long as you know she will step up if you ask, that should help you get over your hurt feelings. I would not take this personal at all, as I'm sure she is your close friend for many other very good reasons.
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Easy. She doesn't want to. She probably sees how the occasional sitter job will morph into a lot more. It is not her job, or her parent. She doesn't want to open that can of worms. And you are mad, she doesn't do it. Why is it her job to cater to you? Its not. If your car broke down, would you assume she should fix it, or drive you everywhere?
I'm sure she sees and hears about what you are going thru and doesn't want to be slid into caregiver #2 and employee role for free. It will never end, and you will get mad when she says no. Or decide her excuse is not good enuff for you. You already decided her time is not important. You said her kids are grown so she can do it. WRONG! Entitled much? Her time and life are up to her not you. She is not your employee.
Time to hire someone. Just because someone is your friend, doesn't mean they are are YOUR free caregiver. I'd run too.
I had a friend who tried sliding me into a free child care. Wrong, no and heck no. Those kids didn't listen, and I envisioned they ran out into the street and got hit by a car, and I was legally responsible, and got hauled off to jail. No way!

Your friend is probably envisioning you sliding her into #2 free caregiver whenever you want, and something happening to your mom. Then you hold her responsible, and want to call police or sue. She is probably thinking no way!
That is very selfish of you to decide she needs to be your caregiver because you are friends. She doesn't owe you.
That 1 time emergency, would morph into a weekly free carer. You know you would try to do that. She didn't sign up for that. It is not her job. Why do you feel you are entitled to her being your caregiver? Hire someone! I wouldn't be surprised if she ghosts you.
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I don't understand why you would expect your friend to be your hired help, especially as a caregiver for your mother!

How would you feel if someone asked you to be a caregiver for their parent? You said that your mother is frail. What if your mother falls, or goes to the restroom on herself while your friend is watching her?

Your friend probably does not feel comfortable with watching your mother, and I don't blame her.

You need to hire someone to watch your mother.
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Your friend does not feel up to the challenge of watching your mom. Best option is to learn to live with this and value what you do enjoy in the relationship.
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I understand your situation but, more than like it’s a physical obligation she chooses not to honor. And we do have choices! It doesn’t make her any less of a friend though ( my opinion). It’s just there are some things we are willing to do and some we’re not. If she has helped or is helping in other ways then appreciate that and keep moving forward knowing that that one thing she doesn’t want to do 💕
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I once went on a girls trip with four of my friends. We all paid 1/5th in advance. At the last minute, one of them let me/us know she was bringing her 92 year old mother along. She didn’t contribute anything extra. Her mother got the best bedroom and we had to keep the house at 80 degrees because her mother was cold. I’m sure she was thrilled to have four captive others to entertain and serve her mother. I already have two elderly loved ones to care for. We aren’t friends anymore.
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BlueEyedGirl94 Jun 2022
I have no words. My mom is currently taking care of my 95 year old grandmother and she treats her annual beach trip with her friends as sacred. We step in and take care of my grandmother so that my mom can get her peaceful retreat. My mother would never dream of taking my grandmother with her. That's her break!! She'd pay her part and stay home if she couldn't go for some reason before she would impose on her friends like that. And they all love my grandmother - as do I, but my grandmother can be...a lot sometimes. I just can't even imagine!
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Babysitting and elder sitting are not volunteer positions.

Plan your absences and hire someone to stay with Mom.
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Your friends may be uncomfortable with fall prevention or toileting issues, which are always a possibility with senior sitting. That doesn’t mean they are bad friends.
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I'm in your situation. But after being focused on my mother's care for 16+ years, most of my friends only call or text occasionally. I'm fine with that.

If I were in their position, I wouldn't want to sit with someone else's elderly LO either. Not everyone feels comfortable doing that. So I don't put conditions or expectations on my friends and I don't ask them to help me.

I've hired sitters to stay with my mother so I can get out.
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Do what I do....ask you friend to keep her eyes and ears open for anyone willing to give you a break, Be honest about being burned out. She may volunteer on her own. But in her defense, she may be afraid something will happen while she's there. Does she at lest come over while you are caring for your mother? Maybe she could just pitch in while there. Unfortunately, and I found this out while caring for my father, our feelings have to move to the side for a while. I hate that, but it's true. If you can get a break, go somewhere and cry if you want to. :)
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