Why is my mother always so angry?
My mother is 84. She was a school teacher who raised me as a single parent. So she is use to being in control. I am an only child.(56) and my mother is stressing me out. She lives alone and seems to be doing ok managing her home on the surface. My mother has always been a controlling person. Now all she does is complain. Everything seems to make her unhappy and she blames me for almost everything
I don’t know if it is a health issue because she refuses to go the doctor. Has not had a physical since the late 1980’s. She is losing her vision because of glaucoma (in denial), but was complaining even before that. My mother has caused her few friends and family to avoid her because she complains about everything they do. Now she wants me to be her outlet for everything. I work full time and run a cottage business and have a collage aged daughter.
I truly understand that my mother is lonely. She never developed any interests. So now she really has nothing to do. When I have suggested that she join The Red Hats group so that she can get out of the house more..she will cast that idea aside because she does not see herself as an old lady and really wants nothing to do with people who do.
What is real stressful is when she does get out… she wants to return home right away..but then complains that I don’t take her out enough. When I take her out to the movies she complains that I did not do it sooner.
The worst days for my daughter and me are the days when she gets very little sleep. The telephone becomes her friend and she will call either of us at 6AM to complain about something that we did or did not do, then call later to complain about something else. I am at my wits end. I love her dearly and will do whatever I need to do for her. I just need help learning how to cope.
She is so angry about getting older. Because of her anger we are walking on eggshells. She will then flip and be very pleasant...as long as you don’t disagree with her about anything.
I am so afraid that the next few years a going to be a living hell.
The reality of life is that each person has to tend to their own needs. You can't depend on other people, though in theory it is a sweet idea. If people are lucky they'll find a mate who will help out with things. And it they are lucky when they get old, there will be family to make sure they're cared for.
If the things that have happened to you have caused PTSD, only you can take yourself to a counselor for help. If you're angry and depressed, you really can't expect other people to want to be around you. You first have to be a friend to make friends.
Years ago, I knew someone who, in retrospect, would probably qualify for this diagnosis. She sapped my time, energy, told lies about me and to me; lies that destroyed relationships that I had with other friends. I finally had to put up boundaries to prevent her from doing further damage.
It was not the diagnosis that caused that damage. It was her distorted thought process and her behavior that did that.
If she does have vascular dementia, or any other sort, she genuinely can't help her behaviour. Of course that doesn't make it any easier on the rest of you, but it's important to understand what is going on in her head, and not to hold her responsible for what she can't control.
Stay positive for the sake of all of you, but it's no good trying to change your mother's thought patterns. Try reassurance instead; and if she's abusive don't respond, just walk away.
Depression (which can be expressed as anger, or as complete blankness) is also common after strokes - is your mother being given any help with that?
Can you choose not to answer her calls at times and let her leave a message? That gives you time to collect yourself before you return her call. Get stern with her and tell her you are not her entertainment committee. If she's lonely and board, it is NOT your duty. She should've thought of that before. It's selfish of her to put you and your daughter in this position and its up to you to stop it now. My kids and I had to do that with my mom. Selfish was her middle name. She had had a life but she didn't want any of us to have one just because she was hacked off about getting older. Get rid of the eggshells!!
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