Hi, I (23F) and fiance (29M) both have been living with my grandmother since Mid December of 2021. I moved in with my grandmother because she is raising both my siblings and I wanted to be there for them and help with the kids. My mother, who passed away in March 2022 was a drug addict and sadly passed away in my grandmother's front yard. Since the passing of my mother, I feel as though my grandmother has been irritable and abusive, especially towards my little brother. She often favors my little sister and doesn't treat her the same as my brother, especially when she does something "wrong/unacceptable" or makes a "mistake". My grandmother will often scream at my brother if he is told to grab something for my grandmother (for example, like a cup or an item she has stacked with other boxes). My brother has ADHD and a speech impediment and other learning issues. Sometimes he can be out of pocket, but mostly when he's frustrated or getting yelled at by my grandmother. Other than that, he is a happy kid that likes to be with his friends and does what any other 12 year old boy does. My grandmother will often take my sister's side when brother and sister have small arguments. It usually ends up in my grandmother treating him badly and yelling at him. When it comes to small situations that upset my grandmother, she gets extremely upset about it and then will get upset about something completely different. She tries to pretend like that situation didn't happen. And then she will get mad and storm off and complain to my aunt or other people instead of trying to calm down and talk to us instead. My aunt often complains about being the "middle man" and how it's my fault. But my grandmother will run to my aunt and then I will get the silent treatment for days. Nothing ever gets resolved and she'll pretend like the situation never happened. Where we live, fleas are common to be outside. Same as ticks. My grandmother got a kitten weeks ago without telling anyone. (That's fine. It's her house and the kitten is sweet and she can have as many cats as she wants too) My dog is on a monthly flea prevention and when I took him to the vet recently for another issue, they gave him oral medicine for fleas too. And I Recently gave him a bath and saw no fleas. The night before I found two fleas on my dog after he was hanging out with the cat. My grandmother was already sleeping and when I got up at 7 am for work she was still in bed so I waited to tell her til I came home from work. I wanted to warn my grandmother so two fleas didn't become more. Her cat isn't on any flea prevention and she doesn't brush the cat either. Well, as soon as she was told she blamed it on my dog and then proceeded to say there were no fleas because she didn't "see them downstairs". Most the time you don't know you have fleas until it gets bad. Well, I received a text while I was at work from my aunt asking about basically when we are leaving and that I'm not giving my grandmother enough space and to go stay at a hotel for a couple nights. So I know my grandmother had went straight to my aunt and cried to her about more than just the fleas. I work 25 hours a week at a grocery store. I'm usually only home to sleep or eat or when it's my day off. She complains she never has time to herself but will sleep the entire time I'm gone at work or sit on the couch all day and then complain how she "got nothing done." And her "day didn't go as planned." She complains so much, she even complains when my other aunt (her eldest daughter) comes around to check in and help her with stuff. She is never happy with anything and I feel as though she is ungrateful for all the things people do for her. But because it's not done the way "she wants it" or "when she wants it done" then it's not done right or her day is ruined. I'm doing the best I can to stay on my feet and help at the house and find a place to live and take care of my brother and sister and pets. But it's not enough for my grandma.
Social Security pays a death benefit monthly for your brother and sister and this will pay until they are 19 years old. This payment is not based on whether or not your mother worked or didn't. The children's death benefit from Social Security pays for all kids who had a parent die.
I am so sorry that you had to grow up among criminals, scammers, and addicts because you really sound like a good kid who wants to do right by your younger siblings.
One important thing that needs to happen is the deadbeat baby-daddies need to get taken to court. Get the child support court-ordered. So either they pay up or you call the police and they go to jail. If they have money for weed and cigarettes, they have money for child support. The only time being excused from paying child support should ever be allowed is if the parent does a TPR (Termination of Parental Rights). This means they get no say in the upbringing of the child, is not allowed to make any decisions for them, and in some instances they can't even visit.
If you have the child support court-ordered, there's a record of it. This means if the baby-daddies aren't paying it goes into arrears (back child). So if either one of them ever comes into money like an inheritance or an accident settlement, anything it will go towards back child support to whomever is the guardian of their kids. If they win the lottery, same thing. The child support as to be court-ordered for this to happen. Their employers can garnish their wages and subtract the child support before they even see their paychecks too. This has to be court-ordered though.
Years back the father of my best friend's child thought he didn't have to pay. He worked part-time on the books but also worked cash jobs and did well for himself. He'd see his kid doing without though. I went to court with my friend (she didn't want to) and the judge ordered him to get a second job or go to jail. It's time for the fathers of your siblings to have a reckoning. In all likelihood you'll be raising your siblings, so get anything you can to help with it.
If you can provide a little more essential information, it'd help us to help you:
- how old is your grandma?
- how old are your siblings?
- is she a legal guardian to your siblings? If not, is anyone?
- has CPS or social services ever helped out?
- is the behavior you describe about your grandma her normal personality, or is it getting worse lately?
- your profile says your grandma is a heavy smoker and secret drinker. Is this how she's always been, or is it getting worse?
- does she seem to have any memory problems?
- does her behavior seem worse in the afternoons/evenings?
- is anyone her PoA?
As a grandma myself (63 yrs old) I have a lot less energy than even 5 years ago so I can get overwhelmed with responsibilities and pressures more easily now. There could be many causes of your grandma's shortening fuse, and that's why I've asked you more questions. Hope you can provide answers.
My grandmother is about 80. And my sister is 9 and my brother is 12. As far as I know my Grandmother does have legal guardianship over both of my siblings. Cps was involved when my mother first lost them because of her drug addiction, about 4-5 years ago ( I was not present in that time as I left home immediately I turned 18 to leave that situation) Cps no longer checks in on my siblings or my grandmother for the past 2 years.
My grandmother is usually a negative person, but I feel like it's been worse. Especially when we get on each other's nerves or something small happens that she can't control and she blows up ( It wasn't this bad before. I know people get frustrated occasionally, especially older people.) She's always been a heavy smoker and secret drinker from what I remember when I was younger. I don't think she's increased smoking. And I'm unsure how if she's been drinking more often than usual because she hides it well, only buys bottles of stuff and drinks out of a specific glass cup with canned soda and doesn't keep her liquor out in the open for the kids and me to see. She does have memory issues. She will misplace something and then blame it on my brother or my fiance and I. Or she'll complain about something she asked us or one of my siblings to do and none of us will not know what she's talking about. I'd also like to add to that when I leave or I leave with my fiancee, most the time she won't even notice we've left. I do try to tell her when I see her. Her house is small and very old and she has cameras pointing at the inside door, outside front door, and the driveway. All cameras can be seen clearly from a computer screen she has next to the TV (only 3 bedrooms 1 bathroom. She is always mostly in the living room area on the couch either watching TV or on her phone/tablet and the stairs to upstairs are right next to the living room. The downstairs is very open concept. there are no walls separating the living room and dining room and everything is close together so you can always hear whats going on in the bathroom or the living/dining room and even upstairs from anywhere in the house including the cellar.) She seems to be fine in the morning but she sleeps a fair amount till about 1pm so it's hard for me to really determine if her behavior is worse in the afternoons and evenings.
If I was your grandmother, I would not appreciate having to care for children the age your siblings were when she took them in. She was too set in her ways. I would say talk to CPS but that may backfire. I really think you need a lawyer to help you get custody but you can't afford it. I remember my Mom at 80. There was no way she could have cared for 2 kids this age. And then she has two more move into her house. Yes, you thought you could help, but doesn't seem to be working. It really is not fair that either of you have to care for these kids. But its what it is.
I think you could get HUD housing. Food stamps. Think you may get some support from the State. They should be getting Medicaid for health. You are old enough to take this on and they are old enough to take care of themselves to a point. You have a partner who can help. Its not going to be easy. You have 9 yrs that you will be legally responsible for these kids who are going to be adolescents soon and all that goes with it.
P.S. just a thought. Could you talk to CPS or Social Services explaining that you are now living with Grandma to help with the kids. Explain that at her age you see some decline. Would it be possible for you to get the foodstamps that Grandma gets for the kids so you can make sure they get fed properly. If she is getting any money for them, could it come to you so you can make sure they are clothed and get what they need.
If ur Mom worked, the kids should be getting her SS. You can become payee.
Their father should be paying support.
They should be on Medicaid for health. This may include prescriptions, dental and vision.
The State maybe paying for their care.
You may be able to get this all changed over to you. Then you start keeping records how the money is spent. All of you should be paying Grandmom to live there. You take the bills and divide them by 5. Support covers the cost of a roof over your head.
KM22 sounds like such a good kid, but the bottom line is at 23 that is a kid and that kid has a lot on their plate to be sure.
Grandma is collecting for the children and no mistake. Food stamps, Medicaid, monthly cash stipends from the state through foster care because mom lost custody of them, and a social security death benefit which will pay until they are 19 years old if they're in school.
There doesn't need to be a lawyer. The OP can go through social services and a social worker will be assigned to the case. They will help with the petition in family court for custody.
Please learn all you can about Alzheimer's/Dementia as it is an every changing set of medical issues. Go the blue/green bar at the top of the page, click on CARE TOPICS, now find Alzheimer's/Dementia. Lot of excellent articles about the different stages of this disease, that way you won't be surprised when the next stage appears.
I agree with Geaton777 about energy levels. I am in my mid-70's and my energy level ship had sailed when I hit my 60's. Gone are the days of working in my yard for 8 hours, today I am lucky I do 20 minutes. I even found just carrying the laundry basket is harder, so I need to do half the clothes, thus two washings instead of one, but not on the same day. I can't imagine also trying to care for two children, and that's without Alzheimer's/Dementia.
The only thing I can suggest is that you and your boyfriend do all you can to help. In all truth the time is coming when you will have to face finishing raising your siblings or make the touch decision to make them wards of the state.
You are so caring, and I know you are all trying, but this is a terribly overwhelming situation. Make use of all the resources you are able for these dependent children. Make certain through a Licensed Social Worker that you are receiving for them ALL THE money and resources they are due after the loss of their Mom. Any more money you can bring into the home will help you in terms of shopping and cooking. Inflation being what it is I cannot even imagine what the costs of a shopping trip for you all might be.
I wish you all the luck in the world and my heart goes out to you. I truly wish there was more I could tell you. This is about as tough as it gets and you all need badges of honor for giving it a try.
If you cannot find access to social services start at the kids' school.
I wish you the very best.
Where is their father (or fathers in most cases like yours). Do your young siblings and yourself a favor and find an Al-Anon meeting appropriate for their ages, and a separate one for you and your fiance to attend. It will help all of you cope with the alcoholism and drug addiction that you've lived in your whole life.
If your intention is to become your siblings' guardian, you can petition the court to make you their guardian. There are things you will have to do. Like get your own place. Prove that you can provide for them (eventhough as their guardian you will be receiving the social security death income your grandmother now collects for them and will be eligible for other benefits as well), you and your fiance will both have to have clean police records (no arrests). In some states the court will deny people from becoming guardians or foster parents if they owe child support and rightly so. If a person can't provide for their own kids, they should not be taking on someone else's. You and your fiance will both likely be subjected to regular drug testing and random inspections of your home. My husband and I were foster parents and the state was strict here. If the state only demanded of biological parents a tenth of what they do from foster parents, every kid in America would be living a good life in a good home.
If you're not serious about becoming their guardian at your young age that's perfectly understandable. They should be put into foster care then. Those kids deserve better than to be in the care of a senile old drunk and an aunt who resents them being around.
Do your siblings a favor and call the social services in your area.
Give them a chance at a family that isn't riddled with addiction, abuse, and dysfunction. Then when you've got all your ducks in a row, you petition for guardianship and custody of them.