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by the way, totally different topic, but i noticed on your profile you say that you have 3 adult grandchildren (2 female, and 1 male). and the male is your #1. i'm sure you have your reasons for this, but it's too bad in a way, because it's so common for women to prefer their male, over female, family members.
This is so personal for all of us. For some people, it’s important to be at a parent’s bedside.
For others, it’s extremely difficult for them and this doesn’t mean that they don’t love or care about them. They would rather remember them when they were well.
I read your profile. I am so terribly sorry that you lost your son.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
Some just cannot handle seeing parents decline. Also, lives get busy and out of sight out of mind steps in. You might want to remind them that facetime exists. This is how I keep in touch with my grands. Prayers
Sometimes it's not a bad thing for them to stay distant! Lots of posts on here are about adult children who insist on making trouble but do nothing to help their caregiving parent.
My older sister is "dying" which means in her long list of ailments she's going to keel over any day now. Last year she claimed the same thing and wanted me to bring my 88 now 89 year old mother to a family meeting so that we could "discuss family matters". My sister claims she has Parkinson's. But I am certain that this year my sister is going to claim the same thing and again want me to bring my mother to visit her. I know that the family meeting would be nothing but an excuse for my sister to point her finger in my face and lay blame on me for everything that she thinks I did to her and caused her so much pain. I didn't go last year and I'm not going this year.
I understand that your situation is different. But I'm not going to be a pincushion for my sister and neither is my mother.
Ask your adult children why they are distant and not supportive of you and their father now that you need them. We'd only be speculating. Do know that it's very difficult for children to witness their "indestructible " parents sink into the depths of dementia and get lost into another world entirely. It's easier to avoid that scene than to deal with it, honestly. Some of us have no other choice, but those who do may choose that option. We're not all as strong as we'd like to portray ourselves.
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation in the first place. Hugs.
As the daughter of a Lewy Body Dementia mother....I must say this is the worst experience of my life. I have lived through the death of my two young siblings as a teen, the early death of my dad and later I got divorced from someone I dearly loved and was with 20 yrs….but this is even worse. I had a close loving relationship with my mom…flawed as she may have been. I have stepped up and I am the involved loving daughter who is POA and her caregiver/helper. Not everyone has the strength to watch a well loved parent become a stranger in front of them. My 4 yr journey has changed my retirement plans, and my living arrangements {sold my retirement condo to be near her}. I have needed counseling to adapt to this new normal. Try to not judge how others handle this stress. We are all wired so differently. Ask the kids to be more involved. Explain what you need. Then accept what they can handle. Good Luck.
Relationships and family dynamics are complex and grieving is complex as well. The closest caretaker notices all the small (and large) signs of loss that those more distant don’t see or realize. If you are not living the reality you just don’t understand the physical and emotional struggle and need for support. After several years of caretaking of my Mom with dementia I STILL know that mentally I think of her as being more able than she is, because my lifetime tells me who she REALLY is underneath the illness. Each person adapts and grieves in their own way and avoidance can be a default setting. It is HARD to get outside yourself and serve the other person through the pain. And the reality is life is busy (and stressful) and priorities get turned upside down. Our culture has sterilized the walk towards death in a very unhealthy way, and we have lost the compassionate art of accompaniment as we have moved from the model of extended to nuclear families.
For you? Communicate VERY CLEARLY the needs - be specific! Send a list or schedule if you have expectations and ask people to sign up for whatever. Then accept what you do or don’t get, and focus on yourself and your own walk of love. Be realistic and do what you can, but be sure self-care is in there.
Comments regarding my situation that may or may not be helpful as you process your situation - None of us kids are the highly nurturing type which is a struggle as we navigate caring for our Mom (but I look at it as a struggle to acquire the virtues which I lack and know God is working with me). It is even more painful because my Mom was such a great and loving Mom. We often make the mistake of thinking God is asking us to do a very large thing, when in reality, he is only asking us for little steps, because that is what he knows we can and cannot do. I stop comparing myself with my aunt who is a nurse and has caretaking and compassion knitted into her DNA. My priest reminded me that each person’s relationship in the family is unique to them - I cannot know the factors at play deep within the heart (I have spent much time being angry that my brother (Mom’s favorite) is so absent). Convo’s with my spouse have been helpful as he reminds me that men in particular, will see that ‘things’ are being taken care of and so no problem exists that needs additional ‘solving’ or work. He also reminds me that despite my self-criticism and perceived lack of ‘skills’ for the situation, I show up. That is what love looks like. That is your own relationship, and stop focusing on others, despite how their absence wounds YOUR heart for the one suffering.
I'm sorry you are going through this. My mother is in a skilled nursing facility now, three months. I took care of her for a year after my father died and before I brought her here to a SNF. I have two older brothers. One brother did not even come to my fathers funeral and still hasn't seen mom since the Christmas before he died. He lives out of state as do I. The other brother helped a little while I was caring for mom but has only seen her once since being in the SNF. I guess its like everyone here says, life gets in the way. The brother who has not seen mom since before dad died, I know, is scared to see her. Mom was always this beautiful, energetic, very smart and capable woman who could do anything. Now, she looks nothing like she did three yrs ago and can't remember what she said 5 minutes ago. When we talk, it breaks his heart to hear how she is and I think he doesn't want to see it. I also think it hurts mom very much but she doesn't understand it. I think she is starting to forget him and that breaks my heart. He says he wants to see mom before she forgets him and I tell him he should hurry and get here then but I still haven't seen him. My grandmother (moms mom) had this same disease. She was also in a SNF. Mom saw her every day and talked about her a lot. But, I am guilty of not seeing her very often at all. I had moved away and when I saw her, she did not remember me. I think mom was probably the only visitor grandma had and I wish everyday I saw her more and knew what I know now. I ask God for forgiveness for not seeing her more often and telling her I love her. I get mad at my brothers for not seeing mom but it does no good. I know this is a journey mom and I will make just like she did with her mom, alone. I hope I'm enough for her. I pray for you.
You don’t say if they used to visit often before his illness ? Did they have a close relationship with your husband before his illness ? Did they visit often and now it’s too difficult for them to watch the decline any longer ? Were their visits not pleasant ?
I’m sorry for you . I’m sure you could use the support and some respite if the adult children would come visit .
My FIL has dementia. Never was a warm person , Did not pay much attention to my DH or our family especially after marrying his second wife , FIL wife died , we had to pick up FIL take his car away , put him in AL by us which was next to impossible to pull off. Since we picked him up a year ago , FIL wants to be a close knit family . Demands family dinner each weekend , which we never did before , or he’s leaving AL. He’s also very difficult and stubborn, refuses hygiene etc . Expects to be entertained , wined and dined at restaurants and taken on vacations . He wants us to help him keep his “ independent lifestyle “ . It’s the same conversations about showering and he keeps wanting to leave and get his own apartment . DH is burned out . My daughter refuses to visit grandpa anymore due to she sees how it is stressing out her Dad. She doesn’t see the point , in her eyes grandpa basically ignored all of us the last 20 years , which is most of her life , while he immersed himself in his step children and step grandchildren . She says you reap what you sow . My son reluctantly sees him once in a while because he knows FIL expects it . My husband struggles seeing him even on the rare day that FIL isn’t complaining. DH says they have nothing to talk about . DH had cut down visits to twice a week . I go with him on the weekend visit . Now DH has cut the weekday visit shorter and shorter and has been skipping them as well sometimes .
This is so true. Many won't visit due to the negativity and because quite frankly elders are very exhausting with their constant demands. The need to be the center of attention and to be entertained non-stop just gets to be too much.
There are so many reasons to choose from for why adult children rarely visit or call when an elderly parent has dementia. Or even when their elderly parent is in fine health. Many times it is due to the type of relationship they had in the past. A person may have several siblings in a house growing up and they all had a different experience. Adult kids have jobs and families of their own. They put some distance between themselves and an elderly parent that's getting needy because they don't want to become the Designated Caregiver like I did. The one who has all the responsibility put on them even if they don't want to because it's convenient for all involved. So the others keep a safe distance because they don't want to be asked to help. No one wants to give up their vacation or their free time to sit and listen to their demented parent repeat themselves continually, confabulate, and make a mess. So they keep away. Then there's the abuse that so many of our elderly LO's with (and without) dementia engage in with their adult-child caregivers. The villifying, lying, instigating, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and bullying. There's the constant negativity, the gloom and doom, and the misery spreading too. So after spending an hour with that elder the effect they produce on a person is either you want to drink yourself into a blackout or find a cliff to jump off of. You have the ones who panic because they don't know how to relate to the new mom and dad with dementia who is now sick. I worked for a client whose DIL was an RN. She came with client's son to visit. My shift had ended and I was heading out. Her MIL crapped herself. The DIL RN went to pieces and flagged me down on the road. I pulled over because I recognized her. She asked if I could come back and change her MIL. I told her no that my hours were up and she's an RN. Surely she learned how to clean can and change a diaper at one time or another. She also had two children of her own. Cleaning someone up is not rocket science. There are all kinds of reasons why family stays away and really most of them are full of crap. Even if your adult kids can't communicate with their father anymore, they can still communicate with you, their mother who does not have dementia. You need their support and they should give it to you in whatever ways they are able. Call them and talk with no expectations. Then listen. You'll probably be surprised by what they have to say.
I'm sorry that you have to face the way your children are responding to your husband's situation.
I am in the same boat. In fact, one daughter, after finding out that her father has dementia, declared "you aren't the kind of grandparents we want in our children's lives" and moved ten hours away. She won't even acknowledge her father's text messages (let alone phone calls), no card for his 70th (and most likely last) birthday, nothing for Father's Day for the last few years.
Yep, it hurts. But in a way, I feel like just as their father was a manipulative person, they have turned the tables and are now doing the same to him. Some sort of game of payback.
My biggest concern is that when he passes, they will look back at all the missed opportunities and have to live with the regret.
Not all children become distant, but some just can't handle the change and it is just easier to remember the person that was and not the person they would see now.
Your children will not live with regret. I never knew a person that had narcissistic and manipulative parents their whole life have a moment of regret if they aren't "there" for them when they are needy. I placed my father when he had a stroke. I stopped in the NH weekly because that is what a POA is supposed to do. I made sure the nursing home did not rip him off and that he received adequate care. This was not out of any great love or affection for him. He was a very selfish man who lived his life only for himself. When he finally passed, none of his children were all that upset about it. I don't have any regret about it and neither do my siblings. So, don't worry about your kids. They'll be fine. I don't see how it would be such a big deal to send the guy a Father's Day card though. How hard is that? You don't have dementia and I would tell you to call your daughter and ask her what her beef is with you.
I should visit my mother of 93 with dementia more but I don't. She lives in a memory care home, the best in the city, and gets good care. We did our best to keep her in her home until it was obvious that this was a danger to her, her caregivers, and the neighbors. She is now unhappy, angry with us, her memory is gone, but she can inflict verbal pain well. It took months of counselling for me to recover from the dual blows of moving her and my brother dying from covid complications around the same time. I wish I could visit more than once a week or two weeks, but it is very hard to hear the one you love say things like "what did I do to you to put me in an institution?"
Were your children in better contact when their father was well? Tjey may not know how to relate to him with dementia and they may find it too depressing and scary to see his decline.
It is emotionally draining. They may not know what to say and that scares them. It is sad to see someone you loved deteriorate before your very eyes. Some folks prefer to remember them as they once were. Those of us that are their caregivers don't get that choice.
That is exactly what I am going through. I pray for all caregivers watching their loved ones through this disease, it is not pretty, or easy and it is lonely and isolating and as you said totally mentally and physically draining on the caretaker. It is downright ugly to go through. God Bless you in this time and prayers for both you and your loved one.
I don't know about a father but I do know about a BIL. It is hard to watch him go down hill. We went to see him yesterday and he was outside with others releasing balloons. So when we went in the nursing home to bring him his diet pepsi he had another view of releasing balloons he said a helicopter came over and released all the balloons. Its so hard listening to him make up stories that never happened.
We learn to go with the flow. In other words you don't correct them. You don't know what to say to them because you don't want to get them upset. So we agree with him.
It is emotionally draining because they want to go with you but you have to direct them away from walking out with you.
I hope they come see their father but they may just want to remember him like he was before.
My husband, his brother just can't be in the nursing home visiting that long because it is so hard to see his brother like this.
This Dementia is such a hard disease to watch someone to come down with. My uncle came down with Dementia a few years ago. My uncle and l were so very close. About a year before he passed away, he did not know who l was, even looking me right in my eyes. I about had tears in my eyes as with someone so close yet did not know me. No l did not neglect my uncle, l kept talking to him and sat with him and tried to brake the ice and make a connection. Yes, when he passed l was, and l am still am heart broken.
Here's the cold hard truth for myself anyway: She doesn't remember when I DO visit, and every time I visit, she first fusses about me staying away so long (I see her in MC every Saturday), then she fusses about anything I try to talk about, but when I try to talk to her about what she wants to talk about, she has nothing. I sometimes skip a Saturday just because - my gosh - I need a little time of my own. Between work and church, and home and farm work, then going to see her every Saturday, I am left with pretty much no time to unwind. And since it doesn't seem to matter whether I see her every day or once a month - she's not going to be happy no matter how often I am there - the temptation is to not go as often. And I hate that I feel this way, but it's the hard truth.
What would bother me is that they aren't coming to see YOU. You need their company and even a little respite.
Think it’s a few of things. First off, it’s just so heartbreaking to watch someone you know as capable deteriorate and then you have to try and be upbeat for them. It’s not something you’d look forward to doing, therefore visits become less.
Secondly, at times it seems so futile. The patient doesn’t know who you are. They don’t know who they are. They talk about things that never happened. You are never sure if your visits are meaningful. And this brings us to the third reason…
Sometimes visits are not just seemly futile, they are downright hostile. The patient is angry, aggressive, complaining about stuff that may or may not have occurred. They holler to go “home” but their idea of home doesn’t really exist anymore.
The short answer is it’s hard and heartbreaking.
Im not saying these are good reason to stay away. Just my opinion of why some stay away.
I have seen the change in declining visits with my mom. She is now in 24 hr care, increasing dementia, irritability, negativity and anger is off the wall at times. My son lives 10 min away, and I feel his reason for not calling/visiting is that it’s very hurtful to see the change in his once vibrant and loving grandmother, who now talks about everything negative in her life. Both sons have had wonderful lifetime memories with both sets of grandparents and she is the sole remaining one at 93. While he’s had his own personal struggles that he has overcome, I think it’s very painful to see this happen to his grandmother. However the other son who lives 8 hrs away, is always getting calls from grandma, (he also has an infant child), and she loves talking to him. I always encourage our son to go visit her or give her a quick call, but that’s up to him. Knowing the 1st son’s sentiment, I truly believe it’s hard and I won’t force him, only suggest. You may try talking to your family member, but don’t force it upon them. Good luck.
Fear of Indentured slavery? Being coerced into paying someone else's living expenses? Afraid of commitment? Facing their own mortality? Too busy to care?
Too narcissistic and selfish to care? Thats my brother in a nutshell. I understand some people have truly legitimate reasons for not being able to at least offer to help...but quite frankly,Im a bit tired of all the excuses and passes given to all too many of these other slackers ...because the excuse about being too busy seems to magically disappear when they move heaven and earth to be there, when the LO is dying ,....with their hands out, hoping to collect their piece of the pie..be it money, antiques, a home, a car, furniture, whatever.Its a nightmare watching my mom not able to eat, and the fear in her eyes when she forgets what a remote control is called and she wants to watch tv...or when she examines all the new lymphoma purpura spots on her hands and arms and they embarass her ..yes, I face my own mortality everyday that I travel through this with her , I worry that she will run out of money if her cancer takes its time to take her, and we will need to come up with a way to help her until funding comes through . I am very busy too..monitoring of my hubby whose heart attack has greatly weakend him so that he doesnt take too much on, and the prostate cancer that may be lurking in him ...I am not looking for sympathy, am not a martyr or an indentured servant, but I have forgiven her and learned to put the past aside, so I can truly love her again ..regardless of being the only one she has. I was blessed to get the chance to do that ..and being able to then make my choice to be with her on this journey that often seems like a nightmare..so she feels loved and supported and safe......Her pastor is coming Monday and Im hoping he can help me to ask her if she is ready to transition and if she is afraid.....and pray with her and help to allay her anxiety and the questions I know she has. ...My dad was a very faith filled man and was totally at peace during his last hours...ready and even eager to meet his Maker and relatives that have passed on. But Im not sure where mom is at. Im quite sure she knows on a soul level that she is near her end....I just hope I can find the right words.....and that they will bring peace and that she is ready to hear them . Prayers appreciated....
This very thing has happened to my sister. Her husband and sister in-law don't do anything to care for their mom leaving it to my sister. It has been really upsetting for her and caused her a lot of resentment. She is literally having to do the worst parts of the job, personal care. Her MIL has advanced dementia and the kids don't want her to live in a home with strangers for reasons I'm not sure. They are quite opinionated and I'm sure they've heard stories about these places but automatically think it happens at all elder care homes. While I should probably just stay out of their business how can I let them know there are resources they can check out to get accurate information? They don't listen to what I've learned about places through the county. I love my sister but it is making her an angry person when she comes to see family. This is Especially important now because our mom is showing signs of dementia. I've been proactive on seeking advice about alternative living situations but how can I convince others that mom would be safer in a community setting?
Your sister needs to tell the "opinionated" kids, her husband and her SIL that there's two choices about how the MIL is going to be cared for.
1) They can take care of her themselves and totally leave your sister out of it
OR
2) The MIL can be placed in some kind of residential managed caee.
After your sister has made made herself plain in to the family that she is no longer willing to be MIL's caregiver, she needs to stop caring for her. Total refusal to change her diapers, wash and dress her, feed her, or even watch her. Her husband (MIL's son), her daughter, and the kids who are so opnionated can now assume all responsibility. Please tell your sister to do this. It may sound a bit harsh but often this is the only way an unwilling caregiver can extract themselves from the situation they were forced into. Good luck.
Nanabinx: Although it's difficult to speculate, it could be for a variety of reasons, e.g. fear of providing care and not wanting to see their parent unwell are a few possibilities.
Well...the reason my sibling is not involved is because my parents' pockets are not deep enough. Sibling has very wealthy in-laws who are generous. My sibling wants to be totally reimbursed for all expenses. Sometimes it is all about money. Sibling feels that they are "owed" for dysfunctional childhood.
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This is so personal for all of us. For some people, it’s important to be at a parent’s bedside.
For others, it’s extremely difficult for them and this doesn’t mean that they don’t love or care about them. They would rather remember them when they were well.
I read your profile. I am so terribly sorry that you lost your son.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
I understand that your situation is different. But I'm not going to be a pincushion for my sister and neither is my mother.
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation in the first place. Hugs.
For you? Communicate VERY CLEARLY the needs - be specific! Send a list or schedule if you have expectations and ask people to sign up for whatever. Then accept what you do or don’t get, and focus on yourself and your own walk of love. Be realistic and do what you can, but be sure self-care is in there.
Comments regarding my situation that may or may not be helpful as you process your situation - None of us kids are the highly nurturing type which is a struggle as we navigate caring for our Mom (but I look at it as a struggle to acquire the virtues which I lack and know God is working with me). It is even more painful because my Mom was such a great and loving Mom. We often make the mistake of thinking God is asking us to do a very large thing, when in reality, he is only asking us for little steps, because that is what he knows we can and cannot do. I stop comparing myself with my aunt who is a nurse and has caretaking and compassion knitted into her DNA. My priest reminded me that each person’s relationship in the family is unique to them - I cannot know the factors at play deep within the heart (I have spent much time being angry that my brother (Mom’s favorite) is so absent). Convo’s with my spouse have been helpful as he reminds me that men in particular, will see that ‘things’ are being taken care of and so no problem exists that needs additional ‘solving’ or work. He also reminds me that despite my self-criticism and perceived lack of ‘skills’ for the situation, I show up. That is what love looks like. That is your own relationship, and stop focusing on others, despite how their absence wounds YOUR heart for the one suffering.
to reckon with their own mortality and vulnerability .
My mother is in a skilled nursing facility now, three months. I took care of her for a year after my father died and before I brought her here to a SNF. I have two older brothers. One brother did not even come to my fathers funeral and still hasn't seen mom since the Christmas before he died. He lives out of state as do I. The other brother helped a little while I was caring for mom but has only seen her once since being in the SNF.
I guess its like everyone here says, life gets in the way. The brother who has not seen mom since before dad died, I know, is scared to see her. Mom was always this beautiful, energetic, very smart and capable woman who could do anything. Now, she looks nothing like she did three yrs ago and can't remember what she said 5 minutes ago. When we talk, it breaks his heart to hear how she is and I think he doesn't want to see it. I also think it hurts mom very much but she doesn't understand it. I think she is starting to forget him and that breaks my heart. He says he wants to see mom before she forgets him and I tell him he should hurry and get here then but I still haven't seen him.
My grandmother (moms mom) had this same disease. She was also in a SNF. Mom saw her every day and talked about her a lot. But, I am guilty of not seeing her very often at all. I had moved away and when I saw her, she did not remember me. I think mom was probably the only visitor grandma had and I wish everyday I saw her more and knew what I know now. I ask God for forgiveness for not seeing her more often and telling her I love her.
I get mad at my brothers for not seeing mom but it does no good. I know this is a journey mom and I will make just like she did with her mom, alone. I hope I'm enough for her.
I pray for you.
Did they visit often and now it’s too difficult for them to watch the decline any longer ? Were their visits not pleasant ?
I’m sorry for you . I’m sure you could use the support and some respite if the adult children would come visit .
My FIL has dementia. Never was a warm person , Did not pay much attention to my DH or our family especially after marrying his second wife , FIL wife died , we had to pick up FIL take his car away , put him in AL by us which was next to impossible to pull off. Since we picked him up a year ago , FIL wants to be a close knit family . Demands family dinner each weekend , which we never did before , or he’s leaving AL. He’s also very difficult and stubborn, refuses hygiene etc . Expects to be entertained , wined and dined at restaurants and taken on vacations . He wants us to help him keep his “ independent lifestyle “ . It’s the same conversations about showering and he keeps wanting to leave and get his own apartment . DH is burned out . My daughter refuses to visit grandpa anymore due to she sees how it is stressing out her Dad. She doesn’t see the point , in her eyes grandpa basically ignored all of us the last 20 years , which is most of her life , while he immersed himself in his step children and step grandchildren . She says you reap what you sow . My son reluctantly sees him once in a while because he knows FIL expects it .
My husband struggles seeing him even on the rare day that FIL isn’t complaining. DH says they have nothing to talk about . DH had cut down visits to twice a week . I go with him on the weekend visit . Now DH has cut the weekday visit shorter and shorter and has been skipping them as well sometimes .
Many times it is due to the type of relationship they had in the past. A person may have several siblings in a house growing up and they all had a different experience.
Adult kids have jobs and families of their own. They put some distance between themselves and an elderly parent that's getting needy because they don't want to become the Designated Caregiver like I did. The one who has all the responsibility put on them even if they don't want to because it's convenient for all involved. So the others keep a safe distance because they don't want to be asked to help. No one wants to give up their vacation or their free time to sit and listen to their demented parent repeat themselves continually, confabulate, and make a mess. So they keep away.
Then there's the abuse that so many of our elderly LO's with (and without) dementia engage in with their adult-child caregivers. The villifying, lying, instigating, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and bullying.
There's the constant negativity, the gloom and doom, and the misery spreading too. So after spending an hour with that elder the effect they produce on a person is either you want to drink yourself into a blackout or find a cliff to jump off of.
You have the ones who panic because they don't know how to relate to the new mom and dad with dementia who is now sick.
I worked for a client whose DIL was an RN. She came with client's son to visit. My shift had ended and I was heading out. Her MIL crapped herself. The DIL RN went to pieces and flagged me down on the road. I pulled over because I recognized her. She asked if I could come back and change her MIL. I told her no that my hours were up and she's an RN. Surely she learned how to clean can and change a diaper at one time or another. She also had two children of her own. Cleaning someone up is not rocket science.
There are all kinds of reasons why family stays away and really most of them are full of crap.
Even if your adult kids can't communicate with their father anymore, they can still communicate with you, their mother who does not have dementia. You need their support and they should give it to you in whatever ways they are able.
Call them and talk with no expectations. Then listen. You'll probably be surprised by what they have to say.
I am in the same boat. In fact, one daughter, after finding out that her father has dementia, declared "you aren't the kind of grandparents we want in our children's lives" and moved ten hours away. She won't even acknowledge her father's text messages (let alone phone calls), no card for his 70th (and most likely last) birthday, nothing for Father's Day for the last few years.
Yep, it hurts. But in a way, I feel like just as their father was a manipulative person, they have turned the tables and are now doing the same to him. Some sort of game of payback.
My biggest concern is that when he passes, they will look back at all the missed opportunities and have to live with the regret.
Not all children become distant, but some just can't handle the change and it is just easier to remember the person that was and not the person they would see now.
Your children will not live with regret. I never knew a person that had narcissistic and manipulative parents their whole life have a moment of regret if they aren't "there" for them when they are needy.
I placed my father when he had a stroke. I stopped in the NH weekly because that is what a POA is supposed to do. I made sure the nursing home did not rip him off and that he received adequate care. This was not out of any great love or affection for him. He was a very selfish man who lived his life only for himself. When he finally passed, none of his children were all that upset about it. I don't have any regret about it and neither do my siblings.
So, don't worry about your kids. They'll be fine.
I don't see how it would be such a big deal to send the guy a Father's Day card though. How hard is that?
You don't have dementia and I would tell you to call your daughter and ask her what her beef is with you.
We learn to go with the flow. In other words you don't correct them. You don't know what to say to them because you don't want to get them upset. So we agree with him.
It is emotionally draining because they want to go with you but you have to direct them away from walking out with you.
I hope they come see their father but they may just want to remember him like he was before.
My husband, his brother just can't be in the nursing home visiting that long because it is so hard to see his brother like this.
Prayers
Good Luck
What would bother me is that they aren't coming to see YOU. You need their company and even a little respite.
Secondly, at times it seems so futile. The patient doesn’t know who you are. They don’t know who they are. They talk about things that never happened. You are never sure if your visits are meaningful.
And this brings us to the third reason…
Sometimes visits are not just seemly futile, they are downright hostile. The patient is angry, aggressive, complaining about stuff that may or may not have occurred. They holler to go “home” but their idea of home doesn’t really exist anymore.
The short answer is it’s hard and heartbreaking.
Im not saying these are good reason to stay away. Just my opinion of why some stay away.
Your sister needs to tell the "opinionated" kids, her husband and her SIL that there's two choices about how the MIL is going to be cared for.
1) They can take care of her themselves and totally leave your sister out of it
OR
2) The MIL can be placed in some kind of residential managed caee.
After your sister has made made herself plain in to the family that she is no longer willing to be MIL's caregiver, she needs to stop caring for her.
Total refusal to change her diapers, wash and dress her, feed her, or even watch her.
Her husband (MIL's son), her daughter, and the kids who are so opnionated can now assume all responsibility.
Please tell your sister to do this. It may sound a bit harsh but often this is the only way an unwilling caregiver can extract themselves from the situation they were forced into. Good luck.
Sibling feels that they are "owed" for dysfunctional childhood.