This is madness! I tell my mom what's necessary, I share with her, she made or makes decisions and then doesn't remember why. She changes her mind about decisions made months ago. I don't need and shouldn't tell her everything regarding my dad and their situation. I'm having trouble deflecting or redirecting her and we constantly argue.
This is affecting my mental health and marriage!
My parents are in their early 90’s, my dad had a stroke almost 2 years ago. I’ve tirelessly helped them since then. My dad, mom’s POA can’t make decisions for her, he has Dementia w\Alzheimers. Mom has no advanced HCD and I’ve been asking her to get this done since my dad’s stroke.
Two months ago we moved my dad into a care home, it’s been hard. He’s been in and out of the hospital and then to another care home with wake staff, finally, he seems to be doing better and mom is alone.
I wasn’t working when this began and because of their constant needs (Sundowning), it’s made finding a new job nearly impossible. Finding employment matching my skillset is in itself a full-time job and I can’t do both! I decided to give up on the employment efforts for a while to help them. I’ll never recoup what I may have earned if I had been able to solely focus on getting a job and working and doing so my parent's needs would have suffered. I have been dipping into my emergency fund to pay bills and this won’t last forever.
Early in the year, about 8 months ago my parents gave me my dad's car and signed the title over to me for helping them since he couldn’t drive it. It’s taken months to sell. Now my mom has forgotten why they gave me the car and wants the proceeds of the sale that I’m using to pay my bills. This has resulted in verbal fights and threats to sue me. I said fine do it and don’t forget I’m still working on the VA’s Aid and Attendance Benefits that will pay much more than the car was worth.
I just want to walk away from this toxic situation, sell my home, and move away! I’m having trouble rationalizing her dementia problems, yet it evokes anger and then my wife gets upset for talking to my mom and not breaking the cycle.
How do you deal with this?
I have 2 sisters who don't help much. the oldest has a diagnosed mental illness, she's bi-polar. The other lives about 45 minutes away and has anger problems and was reported to APS about 9 months ago. My mom forgets most of the last 20+ months have fallen on my shoulders and what I have done. I've told my sisters now that dad's in a good place it's your turn to step up, I'm DONE with it! I have to step away for my own good and my marriage, but that will take about 6-7 months to be ready to list my home in the spring.
And she needs to pay for the consult with the attorney, not you.
Your first priority is to your wife, not your mother. You have to find gainful employment. You are risking the future of your marriage and your own financial wellbeing on your parents, who have lived their lives.
Caregiving needs to work for everyone involved. Your situation is not working. Only you can change it.
Parents are 91 and 92.
Your wife's expectations are important in this mix.
What are her expectations?
You said: "then my wife gets upset for talking to my mom and not breaking the cycle."
How did your wife come to expect that you would no longer be talking to your Mom? Is that even possible? Did you say you would? Any agreement there?
My husband agreed to not bring me into his mother's demands, needs, panic, and chaos. He talks to her. He has occasionally slipped, and actually brings the open phone line to me, saying his Mom has a question. It has cost me a lot of time, and money we did not have. She had the money, but did not trust anyone to have her password or pin number. After about two weeks, she was able to learn to order things online, even groceries delivered. Boundaries are so hard! It is enough that I am taking care of my husband.
Can you ease your wife's distress by NOT sharing Mom's problems?
1) do NOT count on your siblings for help, just forget they exist
2) do NOT try to reason or argue with or correct your mother
Siblings are NOTORIOUS for disappearing into the woodwork when there is any caring to be done. The same siblings magically reappear if there are any assets to inherit! I have 2 brothers and got very little help when preparing for the move to facility, clearing out her place, fixing it, selling it, etc. Since then, I have written one out of my life, for good. The other I still need for eye appts mom has 4x/yr - that's ALL he has to do, but he's been trying to get out of it! It is outside the normal transport area, so no help there. Otherwise, I consider myself now an only child!
You can't reason or argue with dementia, nor can you correct it. She will believe what she believes. Either agree with her "reality" or at least remain mute. It isn't easy, but it should alleviate some of your stress if you can avoid trying to change her mind. It won't happen. No matter what you say or how many times you try, this is what's in her head. You could try fibs, such as saying dad sold the car years ago, or dad totaled the car and hasn't replaced it, but she's not likely to buy it - try it once and then drop that if she doesn't believe you.
Since your mother already has dementia, the question will be is she considered capable of signing any kind of document (health care, POA, etc.) Even if she is deemed capable enough (our mother was in early stage, the EC atty took her aside and talked with her, asking questions and deemed her okay to sign the updates we needed), she may not be willing to sign anything.
The only option left if she isn't capable or refuses is guardianship. If that is granted, you can determine where she lives and take over everything.
I won't call family while I'm away or take any phone calls. I'll listen to messages and if required and an emergency I'd call. The care home can reach me and I will ensure my dad is okay but I think my mom needs to fail on her own.
If I were in your shoes, I'd place your mother in a Memory Care ALF or with your father wherever he's living at the moment. Then you can become the son again and visit on YOUR terms as YOU see fit. When the conversation degenerates into word salad, well, then it's time to say Goodnight. The in-person visits are limited now with the plague that's upon us, so I'm restricted to a 20 minute window visit with my mother which is just about right. Right when I feel ready to rip my hair out, it's time to leave! Small doses, is the key phrase here. And giving up the notion of trying to make sense out of anything or trying to get your mother to remember past agreements or stop asking you for the proceeds from a car that was purposely given to you as a gift. You're expecting the impossible, so stop doing that. This is why limited visits on YOUR terms is all that can be expected and achieved with this level of dementia present.
Otherwise, YOU go crazy. And YOU go find a log cabin off the grid somewhere and check out of society. Not worth it. Especially not for something that she can't really help to begin with. Nobody 'wants' dementia or asks to be burdened down with it. And we're ALL burdened down with it once it affects ONE family member. It infiltrates the whole family, unfortunately, and wreaks havoc everywhere.
Please look into placement for your mom and education for your wife on the disease your mother is suffering from. You can't 'break a cycle' with her that she has no knowledge is even HAPPENING. It's not like punishing a naughty child or giving him time out so he'll remember to toe the line the next time. Your mother won't remember anything, so it's useless to try to get her to. Take care of YOU! That's the real goal here. And getting her placed where she can get care by a team of people 24/7. It's a win-win for all.
GOOD LUCK!!!
If any of this you already know, just ignore it - some of this is for those who doesn't really understand POAs and/or guardianship.
"It's going to be hard"
The whole process and condition are certainly hard. MORE than hard! If you can get placement, it will become easier - not 100%, but certainly easier!
I think your biggest problem is you want to be honest with your parents and discuss what needs to be done, but dementia, as it gets worse, thwarts those attempts. You don't have to be dishonest - either some fibs, bending the truth or don't discuss whatever it is. You have to make the decisions now and anything you do get agreement on is fleeting - 2 days, 2 hours, sometimes even 2 minutes and that discussion is gone, never happened. You can't always explain or get agreement from a toddler, and this is in the same ballpark. Worse than a toddler, you have to put yourself in her reality and deal with her on her level. Agree a lot, even with nonsense. Don't ask for decisions, make statements if something must be said or done. Reasoning, arguing, correcting, all are for nothing other than your own frustration and her anger. Throw those out!
"... and I really don't want to become the guardian."
Just to be sure, you do know that being guardian doesn't mean you have to be the one providing care, right? If so, then disregard this. Some do think that's what it means. It is a few steps above POA, which also, despite what some think, doesn't mean you provide the care. For anyone - these are both methods for allowing you to oversee a person's care and finances, etc., but guardianship gives you more control over where they live, etc. POA doesn't.
"I'm really thinking maybe the best thing is to get a court appointed conservator due to the stress I expect."
This is acceptable (to most of us - there are those who will spew, but ignore them!) if that's how you feel. Just understand that if you go this route, you have no say as to where she lives, medical care including medications, or what becomes of any of her assets. If she has no assets, no loss there. Whatever income she does have would go to offset the cost of a facility in all cases.
In any/all cases, you can still visit if you want, or maintain some other form of contact. HOWEVER, I would recommend taking a break, wait a few weeks before attempting any visit. Give her time to adjust and give yourself time to restore some sanity!
I only suggested guardianship because she may be beyond capability for signing POA or refuse to sign. Guardianship, being a step above, DOES allow you to determine where she will live and move her. POA allows you to sign for a facility and pay for it, but doesn't allow you to force her to move.
We were told we couldn't force mom to move when it became unsafe for her to remain in her own place. Our POAs had been set up long before, but she refused to consider moving anywhere and POA isn't enough (per EC atty.)
Even now, after 3.5+ years in MC, today they called because EMS came and she refused to go to the hospital. Despite dementia, they cannot take her if she says no. It isn't clear what they thought I could do - sure, I can say take her, but if she still says no, her word stays! I gave okay to take her IF they could get her to agree, but no to hospitalization. Given age and condition, it would not be good to do this. I got agreement from YB too. She still refused to go, so that was that. Suspect this was a TIA, as the symptoms did get better not too long after. She still has weakness on the right side, but the other signs faded. She just turned 97, and will likely experience more TIAs or a stroke at some point. She's had a good long run, I see no point to disrupting her with all that hospitals do!
Hope you can find some resolution soon.