Why can't they see it?
I'm not my grandmother's caregiver, but I am the first person to notice she was saying and doing things that were entirely outside her character. Everyone just assumed that she woke up one morning hating me. But before that day we spent 10 hours a day 5-7 days a week together for 2 yrs happy. Then one morning, after a week long headache (which is totally abnormal for her) she just started screaming at me over the most random things. The first time was for a hose laid over a fence, another time for moving clothespins on a clothesline.
This led to a series of untruths that I systematically disproved, but my uncles simply didn't care. They spend a combined 80 hours a year with their mom between 4 men. In their minds I must be an awful person for their mom to suddenly hate me so much. It took me time and education to figure out what it was, but once I knew, I knew. Again I tried to show these men, my poor little grandma has dementia (probably vascular) and her new rage was part of the disease. She's forgetting words, can't always operate an outdoor faucet, accuses anyone nearby of "stealing" whatever she's fixated on that day, gets stuck in a loop of questions or stories, started calling her great-grandbabies derogatory names, can't remember friends she's known for 25 yrs, can't learn new things, and has forgotten old skills like operating her dvd player or e-mail.
This led to lawyers and accusations, which I again systematically disproved.
Two months ago, the day before mediation, she had a stroke caused by her heart not pumping enough, which created a clot. They put in a pacemaker. My uncles complained about who would take her home. After 1 week they brought her home and dropped her off. At 90 yrs old, 9 days post stroke that almost killed her and pacemaker surgery, and they just left her at home alone. Because, according to them and her, she's fine and doesn't need care.
A few weeks ago her attorney told her she can't win with the lies she's told and they offered to settle. We accepted; suddenly she says she never offered and was furious. Last weekend she was found by the neighbor screaming for help, completely disoriented, extremely combative. They forced her into an ambulance and sedated her. She didn't recognize her brother or his daughter and kept calling her niece her granddaughter. This is when she demanded that my cousin come kill my husband and I, followed by demanding that her sons kill her attorney. She wasn't allowed to come home, for now, but that may not be a permanent situation, and if that changes she has a loaded gun in her house. (she says she uses it for coyotes, we're in small farm country). I live next door with my four kids and husband.
Still her sons can not see it. What is it going to take? For 2 1/2 yrs this has just progressed from bad to worse for her, and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It seems proving she's lying makes my uncles more defensive about her mental state instead of seeing the disease for what it is. They are actively working to prove she's in her right mind, despite the laundry list of people she can't remember anymore, or the hallucinations of people talking to her through her window. Some of her friends and religious leaders have started to see it and are reporting it where ever they can. Including one episode of Grandma losing her temper and screaming at her friend while inside her holy temple. (no one ever talks above a whisper in there and this is sooooo far out of character for grandma) Grandma is now very suspicious of her friend, and treats her with disdain.
Yet her "holistic" doctor says she's fine based on one type of memory test that she has failed and passed depending on the day.
Why is this diagnosis so difficult to get? What the heck can I do? I'm just in survival mode while this disease eviscerates my life. Stupid disease doesn't just tear up our LO's, it destroys whole families. What the heck is it going to take for them to see?
And the fact that there is a loaded gun in the house?
Are you in the US?
Can you move?
Last time your uncles probably told the discharge planner that they would be looking after her.
Likely your uncles are in denial as they have no idea how to look after her. so if they pretend she does not need to be looked after, then they do not have to do it.
legal action between you and your grandmother... “her lawyer told her she can’t win”, “mediation”, etc.
Whats up with that? Could whatever that’s about cause your grandmother to be angry with you?
Is your uncles insistance thats nothing is wrong with your granny be connected to the legal situation- is granny seeming mentally healthy important to the outcome? Do they or granny stand to gain or loose something of value should the case go your favor?
Lastly, do you have your own
attorney? Has anyone mentioned to granny’s attorney that she’s making death threats - including towards him? Seems a good idea that
someone might want to mention it to him...
The sales agreement wasn't traditional, but was written by Grandma and her friend of 25yr (and retired attorney) signed in front of a notary.
Grandma has insisted that we are trying to make her look bad so we can "steal her house". Her mental health has zero effect on our contract, but they seem to think it does.
We agreed to buy Grandma out of her part of the contract, based on her offer to settle. HER OFFER. We agreed. Basically meeting in the middle, and we were more than fair. This caused her to have, what I believe to be another TIA, which landed her in the hospital disoriented and combative. That's when she made the threats. I'm told my uncles are now trying to talk her into honoring her offer. The problem is that by accepting her offer she will have to move. Our previous agreement kept her in her house for the rest of her life while we paid all of her housing expenses.
We do have an attorney (I've never even had a speeding ticket before this mess). He's confident that we will win in court. I informed him of the threats, but I don't know if he has contacted Grandma's attorney about them or not. The threats have now been reported to APS by the cousin that witnessed them, and our local chapter of the Alzheimer's association has asked my cousin to contact the police to remove the gun.
they are ignorant of her disease
they see it as an affront to be told that they are ignorant and therefore won't learn
they think it's clever to look for the ulterior motive
they would rather blame somebody else.
Do these people, whom I shall privately refer to hereafter as the Four Cs, currently have any legal status as regards your grandmother?
It is important that you recognise that *they* believe they are doing the right thing. They believe that they are preventing your mother from taking over control of your grandmother's life and walking off with the loot. I can see from first glance at your description that no such thing is happening; but the 4Cs' behaviour will seem less perverse and malicious, and therefore be less frightening and painful, if you keep in mind where it's coming from.
Does your grandmother have any other underlying and/or longstanding health problems?
None of that even matters, and it's not why I'm here. I didn't come to this site hoping to get advice of our housing situation. I'm worried about my Grandma. The point is Grandma is ill and deteriorating fast, and they refuse to see it. They created this situation out of greed and it's not doing her any favors. The doctor sent her home with these uncles telling them she can not be alone and needs 24 hour care. They brought her to their house and promptly returned to work, leaving her home alone all day. And then they post on social media how proud they are that she's home alone sweeping out their garage, as some kind of proof that she doesn't need anyone. I guess I keep hoping there is some kind of magic formula for helping get them in front of people who can explain this to them, but I know that's wishful thinking.
TIAs sometimes show in an MRI, but not always, and not likely in CT scan. My aunt has this issue, but not the anger or hallucinations unless she has a UTI and is dehydrated. There could also be other medical conditions causing them.
Legal action will be needed, and so difficult with the 4C's. In my dementia caregiver's group I heard of a woman who became a lot like your grandmother (but without the uncles). She had nieces who wanted her kept for evaluation. The woman kept calling the police on the hallucinated "intruders and skulkers" around her house. The police stopped coming. Dr. and they couldn't detain her unless she was an obvious threat to herself or others. Finally she called saying those people were across the street were shooting at her, and she had her rifle out and was going to shoot back. Instant police action, hospitalization on Psych ward for evaluation, proper meds she needed, and then a nursing home. There was a lot more to the story, but those are the highlights. The threat of her shooting at others and their homes got her what she needed.
You will never convince the 4 C's. Could an elder lawyer find who or what can do something legally? That rifle of hers, and her threat to use it on you (or your kids?) should be enough of a reason.
Prayers for you and your family. I wish I knew more that might help.
Her gun is .22 revolver, and she knows how to use it.
The thing I'm confused about is she told her doctor she wanted to die, but he didn't keep her for a psych evaluation. Then she made the threats about us to my other family members which the doctors didn't hear. I'm hoping APS talks to her doctors and therapists, not just my uncles, but I don't know how all this works.
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