It's like my needs no longer matter, after my mum had a catastrophic stroke 7 years ago. I took her into my home and cared for her for 6 years. Then had such trouble with so many issues as depression and anxiety, physical pain and alcohol abuse. I had to put her into a NH. I now feel so guilty that visiting her is such a painful thing every time. I hate this new life and I hate the stroke and I sometimes even hated my dear mum who was my bbf. How can I deal? I gave up alcohol over a year ago completely, but recently started drinking again. I don't understand why I'd do this after a whole year. But I am now finding visiting mum so much more painful and I'm putting it off. Can anyone relate or help?
I don't drink but I'm one of those people who lose my appetite when stressed. When I was caring for my mom and ultimately had to place her in full time nursing home care I lost weight and the guilt.............oh, the guilt.
But at some point you need to lose the guilt. It doesn't help anything and let's face it, if you didn't care you wouldn't be feeling guilty. So pat yourself on the back for caring.
Visit when you can. Does she have a phone you could call her on, on those days when it's just too much to be there in person? But please don't drink. Consider your own health. It's just as important that you stay well.
My mom was my best friend too and I understand perfectly.
You're also angry because mom had a stroke at a younger age, putting your life out of balance as well as hers. It wasn't her fault such a thing happened, and you've likely been going thru the stages of grief over losing the mother who was your bff your whole life. Who's this new person you barely recognize???
That's the dreadful part of visits to the NH. Seeing your mom in her current state of debilitation. It's damn hard for you to gather up the courage to do that. I know, because I went to see my mother in Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living after her dementia got bad. The ugly things she said to me were like knives piercing my heart. I'd get anxiety before going every time. But I'd go anyway, just never alone. I needed hubby there with me to support me. I wasn't brave enough to do it alone, and mom was always a lot meaner to me when I was by myself anyway.
Taking a drink is liquid courage. It takes the pain away for awhile. But, in the end, it creates more pain than it cures, as all addictive behavior does. Do what you have to do now for YOU and your own health. Mom is cared for in the NH. If you need time off, take it. Your #1 goal now is to get sober again and stay there. Most of us can't do it alone. Don't beat yourself up, just understand what you're doing and use it as a learning experience. No matter what you do, it won't change MOMS stroke situation. It is what it is. Don't ruin YOUR life for her health crisis. Live a healthy life in HER honor. You can do It! If I can do it, so can you. I've been sober since 2008 and I don't even think about taking a drink anymore, I haven't for YEARS. That albatross is off of my back and I thank God, but I also realize I'm but ONE DRINK AWAY from a relapse at any time. As all alcoholics are.
Treat yourself with loving kindness now, you deserve to. All the best.
It’s physically and emotionally exhausting to be a caregiver!
People have found themselves leaning on something to ease the stress. It may be alcohol or food.
Many caregivers say that they have gained weight during their caregiving period. Others lose weight because they find it difficult to eat when stressed. We are all different and cope as best we can.
If you feel like your alcohol consumption is out of control, please address the issue, so it won’t make matters worse for you.
Have you considered speaking with a licensed therapist to discuss your situation? Or thought about joining an ‘in person’ caregiver support group?
You shouldn’t feel guilty about how you feel. Instead try to discover what the underlying reasons are for why you feel the way you do.
Do you feel that your emotions are self imposed or are outsiders attempting to make you feel guilty? Or is it a combination of the two things?
Please don’t allow other people to dictate how you feel. People can make suggestions but you are entitled to make your own decisions in life.
Wishing you peace during this difficult period in your life.
Try to remember that your pain is not her pain visa versa. You must try to take care of you FIRST so that you can take care of mum with clarity. Your health is very important.
Holidays are tough. Memories have a way of drawing us in when it comes to "living grief". It can draw you in and it can keep you there. Please get support.
Your Mom had a stroke. It clearly has altered and changed her, and this is so common in caregiving situations, and so disturbing to family.
You have wisely recognized that you could not continue in in-home care, and you placed her in care. I know that you recognize that the changes in her are no longer in her control, and that visits from you will be treasured. I am uncertain why they are so hard given all you have gone through together.
I am going to suggest you get help for yourself. Your mom hopefully in loving care. But the fact you have been sober for a year, and now are drinking again shows there are issues you should best resolve in care of your own.
Consider a licensed social worker in private counseling practice; they are often good at life transitions work.
A forum such as ours can offer you sympathy, but you need professional help now in order to work through things.
If you have ever attended AA meetings you know that falling off the wagon is more common, especially in times of stress and grief; it's almost the "norm", and that this is when you need help in mounting up again.
Remember always that you didn't cause your Mom's problems, you can't fix them, you can only give her your love. And do her honor by getting help for yourself.
I hope you will update us. The holidays are especially difficult for so many at this time.
It is a depressing place. And it is hard to see them. But its not their fault or your fault that they are sick and where they need to be placed for care. You need to push that guilt way back because you did not cause her stroke. Its about Mom. Mom needs to see you, needs to know someone is there. I never spent all day with Mom. Maybe an hr or even less. My brothers never got beyond how they felt. They should have looked at it as how Mom felt. My DH went with me to get Mom settled in the AL and later LTC. He never went back. Thats OK. But I am sure he would have gone to see his Mom regularly even though it would have been the last place he would have wanted to be.
Stop making excuses for why you relapsed. Your anxiety, depression, feelings of guilt, your mother's stroke, or your love/hate relationship with her is not the reason you picked up the bottle again. So don't try to justify it to yourself.
Call your sponsor today (if you have one). If you don't, find an AA meeting and go to it. Go to as many as you need to get and stay sober again.
Your mother is not supposed to be your best friend. She's supposed to be your mother.
I am sorry to say, but your mother had a catastrophic stroke seven years ago as you say. Can you really expect your needs to matter to her after that?
You were her caregiver for six years. That was your choice to take on. Your mother could have been placed. You had a hard time with caregiving as so many of us do, and now that's finished.
A good therapist can help you work through all the unresolved feelings you have about caregiving and your relationship with your mother. I strongly encourage you to try therapy. AA meetings can also help because you need people to talk to.
You have a choice here. You will visit your mother, or you won't. Either way there are a lot of feelings that you have to work through. Please find a therapist. It can help so much.
I want you to know that there is life after caregiving. It may seem like there's not now, but there is. Good luck.
I stopped drinking decades ago and I am so much more healthy because of it. Alcohol is the worst! Some of my acquaintances did not stop and they are disasters now - alcoholic, unhealthy, legal troubles (dui's). That's not nearly as bad it can be though. I've seen the devastation alcohol does all through my life and it's just on and on misery and of course worse. Ruined families and mental degradation (brain damage) are not something that come to mind with alcohol but my goodness it's all over the place! Never drink again!
Alcohol is only a problem if a person has a problem with it.
The average person who enjoys an occasional drink doesn’t experience the issues that you are describing.
You chose to drink because you wanted to. Not everyone has to stop enjoying a drink every now and then.