No husband, no kids, no family. The thought of going to a nursing home is more frightening than comforting because of all of the horror stories I have read and also personally am aware of for some I have known that have ended up there. When there are no family left, when I reach a certain age or health deterioration, what options do I really have when I do not have any money or retirement funds, no one really, to see that I am cared for? I read that Washington and Oregon now have a law on the books that allows one to take their own life when they do not have an expectation of living long (terminal illness) but I do not know if that includes old age. I know that no one wants to think about being all alone in life but what do you do when you know that you will be all alone in death?
Be thankful that here in the States we have Medicaid to help those who cannot self-pay for care. Oh, old age is not a terminal illness... you could feel old at 80 with no health issues and still live to be 100.
I am an only child who had no children, and who knows if my sig other will be around when I become older. I actually look forward to being in a continuing care facility... to me it will be like a college dorm, but without all the late night parties :) I could make a lot of BFF [best friends forever] while living in the facilities. And if I am still mobile, I could do volunteer work to keep myself busy.
I have a feeling my neighbors don't consider me "elderly", well that's a plus :)
@fre flyer - read my new discussion post. I'm beginning to think the only option is the nursing home or whatever fancy new name they have for it. 'Assisted Living" is quite frankly, only for the wealthy among us. In FL, it's $5500 per month, self pay.
Some people will pay (and this is a low ball figure) anywhere from $250,000 entry fee to get into the apartments where you can live normally with the guarantee you'll be able to graduate to assisted living and/or nursing home care. Now the apartments are anywhere from $1500 upwards for the fees which of course include your food, and whatever else.
That is expensive for the average Joe Schmoe.
Medicaid (at least this is what I've been told) will only pay for nursing home care. Now I 'thought' the consultant told me after sixty days she may be able to be moved in 'assisted living' but doctor told me today that wasn't true. So, I'm getting one story from consultant, one story from lawyer, and one story from doctor, who made me feel really bad when she called today and told me that I should take my mother home because she won't be able to walk at the nursing home because of fall risks and risks of lawsuits and that is why her legs are swollen (again, see my discussion topic). She will be able to what I call 'wheelchair walk' to activities, etc., but not 'walk' walk.
The way I see it there are two options here: one, take her home and allow her to fall (since she's such a fall risk) or two: allow my mother to stay in the NH and risk the stroke factor because she's sitting all day.
Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And I'm sure at some point the nursing home will see this and find a way to deal with it. As of now, I'm stuck in a catch 22.
@fregflyer- I have first hand knowledge of and witness of the neglect that occurs in NH's which is something that I will never forget because I saw it with my own two eyes and this occurred in several separate facilities that were supposed to be well managed. With the exception of my mom (she now lives with me because of the NH abuse), I have had two additional extended family and a senior lady that I once cared for ALL pass away because of neglected medical issues that were not addressed in time for them to make a recovery.
@litldogtoo - Medicaid will pay for at home attendant care but they are the first to tell you they DO NOT pay for 24hr care because they assume that the family is providing family care as well. I know this first hand because this is my situation now as I care for my elderly mom of which I brought into my home 8 1/2 years ago. I am her paid attendant. However Medicaid pays so very little for this service, just a little over minimum wage and they determine based on medical condition how many hours they will pay for care, which is not enough! And because they pay so very little it is all but nearly impossible to find additional caregiver help because private pay is so much higher, finding an attendant to work for their wage is a huge obstacle. I am doing 24/7 care now for the past 3 months and trying to find part-time attendant care to help me and so far out of the 100+ resumes for caregivers that I have contacted, NONE have been interested in working for the wage that Medicaid pays.
But I have digressed. I am thinking about my future care and wondering since I am the youngest of my remaining family and assuming that I outlive them, who can I get to act as my medical/personal patient advocate when there is no family left to survive me?
I am in the same boat but with a different perspective. I believe our best bet is to sign a DNR and have a friend / attorney enforce it so as not to prolong our suffering. There are patient advocates/social workers in the Hospitals but they are paid by the same Hospitals who make money on our surviving, regardless of the quality of life.
Pray much & trust your God to send the right people your way.
Best wishes.
You are right that home care is still kind of institutionally biased - if you need 24 x 7, they expect facility placement to be the answer, and it may cost a little less though it may also be a lot less satisfactory.
Wish it was easier. An we can always hope we will be in the group that never actually needs guardianship, but it is certainly best to plan for the possibility.
As far as neighbors, I had shoulder surgery and my car sat in my assigned spot and never moved for about 3 weeks. Not one person came to see if I was living or dead lol What solved that was when I got a dog. This was a dog community and when I got a dog, I was finally accepted and met neighbors, got invited to lunch at their homes etc. Really? Took that? After that, I met 2 neighbors who were also single and near retirement so we exchanged numbers and promised to check up on one another.
Unfortunately, I had to move out of the area and now I'm back to square one again and after 8 months of living here, I still don't know a soul. Maybe I should get another dog lol
Bottom line is we all have to consider what will happen if we have no one around to care about us. I might consider the Golden Girls style living arrangement but you have to have compatible personalities and at that age we are all pretty much set in our ways.
I know of wealthy individuals who have run out of both money and family and had no one to advocate for them as their health declined. The public guardian may have looked after their assets, but their physical and mental well-being was not really addressed. It is a scary thought.
The golden girls lifestyle sounds good, but as NJCinderella points out, you might have trouble finding others to join up. And besides, those women were relatively young and in good health. It is getting ancient and ill that I fear and see no way to prepare for. We just have to trust that karma really does come back around and we will be rewarded for all the caring we have done.
Is it possible for you to take some time off during the week so that you can indulge in a hobby or join a group for an activity you enjoy? This may sound very futile to you, and obviously this is not going to solve the specific problem of your future care, but sometimes it does not take much to get a different outlook on things. Maybe a local church could relieve you to sit with your mom?
Most of my friends are in our 40s and 50s and childless. We live in a large metropolitan area where the lifestyle does not lend itself to making deep, lasting connections and it's scary. Those of us who have parents with dementia are terrified when we start forgetting tings. Your concern is valid. It's bleak out there and there are no guarantees.
The best thing I can think of is to have good doctors. I mean, not just adequate, but blow-you-away good doctors. Then get that good doctor to agree to still follow you if you're in a nursing home. Become familar with different homes before the need arises and choose one with a high staff to patient ratio and good ratings and activities. Pray that before needing long term care, you die of something else.
I do think that people are going to have to put their heads together to come up with plans for care of the aging. This will be us soon. I do not have faith that the government can come up with sustainable solutions. There are too many conflicts of interests in the government. I listened to the president's State of the Union address the other night and agreed with the things that he said. At the same time I realized that the government did not have the money that would be needed to do all the things he mentioned... and that the probability of increasing taxes on the wealthy was small, given the conflicts of interests. The wealthy are the main supporters of the politicians, who are not going to bite the hands that feed them.
The idea of coops sound very good to me. And if there are people who are too mean and cranky -- set in their ways -- to live with others, then fine. They can live by themselves. For the more sociable people, coops are a great idea. I lived in a retirement community in TX where people looked out for one another. I guess you say it was like a coop. Many of us were a tight-knit group that helped each other. Ages went from 60s-90s. I was the baby in my 50s then. It does work.
Frankly, I've thought of suicide, too. I see my mom fading away, not able to have a conversation or imagining odd things, and I sometimes think I don't want to be a burden like that to anyone, family or otherwise. I think it's normal to think that and in some ways a sign of empathy and good mental health. But if you're consumed by those thoughts, call a helpline and see if you can secure counseling!