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My parents are divorced, and my mother is very bitter.
She is also very poor, and she needs to move into a safer place.
My father is doing very well and has offered to extend help to my mom through me. She would never accept it directly.
Soon my mom will be offered an opportunity to move into a senior apartment. We can't afford to contribute to her rent, but my father can and wishes to.
Here's the question:
When she asks - and she will - what is the right thing to tell her?

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One way of wording it since Mom is so bitter about the divorce is this.... "this is something that Dad is doing for me because I cannot sleep at night worrying about you living where it isn't safe, so I am looking for some place safer for you to live"..... make this all about you, not about Mom. Hopefully your Mom will accept this most generous offer.
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How wonderful of your Dad. I would do whatever guise / lie / story works best in dealing with your mom. At some point mom may need a higher level of care, so she could maybe need to move into AL or a NH. As she is poor, she probably can apply for and qualify for Medicaid.

She will need to provide some bank statements as part of the application to show her low income. So whatever you do with dads funding, do NOT deposit it into moms bank account. You don't want to face " income ?" from medicaid say in 2019. You need to pay for the apt from its own bank checking account....talk with your dad as to how to do this...maybe you open a nice & new checking account that he puts $ into at a banking group that works for the two of you. He could do a more formal special needs trust but it sounds like he prefers this to be off the radar so as simple as possible. You & mom are fortunate even if she can't move past the past.
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Not to pry, but I'm wondering if the funds your father extends come on a monthly basis, or there's a larger amount that's available, on an as needed basis. I ask b/c Igloo's comment on a trust made me think that if anything happens to your father, that money might stop. If it were in an account, as suggested, that both of you could access, it could still be available if anything happened to your father. And there's always the possibility that he might marry again and stop the contributions.
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Thanks to you all for your comments - they are really helpful! I hope that I can keep this question from going stale; I'd like to collect more ideas because these comments so far have given me hope and food for thought.
Please - if there are more ideas, do share!
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The situation has developed a bit. My father has directed me to contact other family members (e.g. my mom's siblings) to see if any of them can contribute to her rent expenses.
This could be a can of worms. There are tricky relationships involved. (It's a family - DUH!) I don't think that my father is making his support conditional upon other sources of income being found, but I think that in order to get any help from him, I'm required to see what others in her family are willing to contribute.

Again - thoughts anyone? I could really use help thinking about this from different angles!
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If your Dad is cooperative, and good for him btw, work out a good cover story and get the thing done. I don't hesitate to lie to my stubborn parents when all else has failed and it's for their own good. Don't feel guilty for a second. Do what ya gotta do!
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Ah Jeeze......This could turn into a can of worms. It's hard to advise without knowing the gory details of the family but I still think it's worth a shot. Just hope it doesn't turn into a circular firing squad.
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Well, set up a special bank account, and tell mom that "the family is contributing to help you!" Can of worms or not, this is a very gracious thing you all are trying to do.
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You do not list your mom's age or her state of health. I was divorced from my first husband and raised my kids with very minimal "help" from him. If I were your mom I would live in squalor before I accepted a dime from him. I would not want to be beholden to him for anything. With the new "direction" your dad is showing his true colors, pitting family members against each other. Mom's siblings have no responsibility to pay her rent.
I would set up the account in your name and tell Dad the bank routing number and the account number. Tell him the amount of the rent and that Mom will never know it came from him. Then I would begin to look for alternatives for your mom if she cannot afford the senior living home. Maybe a shared apartment with a roommate or a room in someone else's home. What does your mom want?
We can only interfere so much in another person's life. If she doesn't have dementia, these are her concerns and she needs to participate in solving them if she so chooses.
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if your father is willing to help that is fine, but as someone said, if in the future something changes and the money stops, then your mom will be in a pickle. why not check into Medicaid on this matter or check with a good elder attorney. in all honesty no one else should help foot the bill for your mother, what happens if one member gives a little more than the other can afford, then you will have hurt feelings that way. better off to find a way for your mother to pay on her own or get assistance of some kind. I know some people don't like to accept assistance but at some point in time, we all might need some type of assistance. good luck
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How old is mom and what are her physical and mental cond.like? In order to give best insight need to know these things if you can share
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Please, please, please do not ask other people in the family to help with your mom's expenses. This does not sound like a good idea. There are things between your mother, your father, and the rest of the family that you know NOTHING about. You think you know all of it, but let me tell you from experience, MANY things, words, behaviors, etc. happened BEFORE you were even born! For your father to offer his help, and then later make conditions for his help based on what others are willing to do for her is just PLAIN WRONG. I agree with most people here: Assume there is no help from your Dad, and go from there. Once family gets all inter connected as older adults there is TROUBLE!
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It's nice of your Dad, but my 1st thought was what if he stops paying. Could he wind up re married down the road? New wife may not be willing to contribute her $ into a situation with him if $'s are going on an Ex each month? None of my business, but wonder where the joint assets went, (home equity, savings). Usually the sale of the home gives the one who earns less some seed capital to start over? Wonder why she didn't get monthly maintenance after divorce, if arrangement during marriage was he was chief earner and she was chief "everything else". :-) If she's too ill to work and they were married at least 10 years she can file for a monthly disability check based on the money he paid in for both of them while she was at home raising his kids and doing all his chores. (One of the few safety nets that being divorced doesn't change.) Hmmm, the "truth or dare" part, I always opt for the truth, it's just safer down the road. Would rather have someone hot at me up front for a truth they don't like, see if I can get them to consider why I think something is right and then go along with me. Then if something blows up later, at least know they still have me as a team member they can trust. If there is no monthly maintenance, could it be drawn up and signed now, so it's all above board and legal? I wouldn't think that would cost too much.
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I agree with the others who wrote above about NOT having other family members to help pay. That could create other family members wanting the same for themselves.

MBFoster, since your Dad is doing so well financially, was your Mom so bitter that she didn't want anything from him? If yes, then that was her choice to do that, and she has to live with that choice. Now you are able to help her out, and as I had mentioned before, make it sound like Dad is helping you.

I speak from being divorced myself, and I didn't turn down anything my ex was offering at the divorce or afterwards financially. He knew that I had to uproot my career every time we moved, thus he was the one who gained the most financially during our marriage.
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Your father's help should not be conditional based on help from others. I would be wary with such an offer, it coild backfire in a very negative way. There is low cost senior housing available as a better option.
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"A can of worms" is a perfect description. IF you could do this w/o anyone else knowing or ever finding out, yes, take the money for mom. IF there is even a chance it could backfire--I'd look into low income housing and do the best I could. When your dad asked you to ask her sibs--well, then he just took a can opener to that can of worms. They will all wonder what's going on. Do you think he wants to "redeem himself" in their eyes? Money does weird things to people. If your dad simply wants to quietly provide a certain sum each month and let it be "anonymous"...great. But it doesn't sound like that. There are just so many variables...think long and hard before you jump. I agree with Newtothis--can you make it "legal". There's just too many factors to consider before most of us would weigh in on this.
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Is it possible to tell your moms family that in order to get financial assistance for her you need to pursue all options? Do they need to know that the financial assistance is from dad? Also, if you say that you are required to ask them they might not blame you for asking. The other comments here are very good. I know my mother would never take assistance from my father (not that he'd offer).
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There are many Low Income Subsidized Senior apartments, take a look at that option so that you won't be worried about Dad's money drying up.
if he chooses to gift some money to you it can always be used for other things that would make your Mom's life easier. You could save it up for her eventual care if she needs it
Good Luck.
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Of course it depends why she feels so bitter, but at first glance, the right thing to tell her - if in your view it's true - would be: "he owes you. This money is your due."

Play it by ear. But for goodness' sake don't tell her any lies or she won't trust you either.
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Ladylee is correct, i think a subsidized apt based on her income would be a better option. My aunte lived in one and only paid 200 a month rent because her ss was so low and she never married. Many good points on the pitfalls have been given here and i agree. If she lives above her means because of his help and that help dries up for any number of reasons she will be in a bad situation. Perhaps $$ from him could be used for moving expenses, but i wouldnt want to count on them for ongoing expenses. If your mom has her mental facalities in tact it would be wrong to leave her out of decision. Would you want to be left out of decisions about your life? If she is impared then thats a different story.I hope the best for you, try and avoid family drama if you can.
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Has she filed for Medicaid?
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A million thanks to all of you.
My mom is on Medicaid and lives on Soc Sec and a small teacher's stipend.
She has applied for government-supported senior housing, and has finally worked her way to the top of the list. But there's still sticker-shock, since she's been living rent-free for some years now. (However the housing is unsuitable; moving her is a matter of safety.)
I have given some thought to the comments urging me to NOT appeal to family members to 'crowdsource' her support. While it seems like a good idea at first blush, you've helped me see that it's not sustainable -- and is likely to cause great family friction.
Now I'm trying to figure out what sort of account I might set up to have money for mom deposited to.
WRT the divorce - she accepted/demanded a settlement that was not particularly to her advantage. I don't know the details, and I don't want to know them. I just know that she's got insufficient income to support herself, apparently, and so I have to figure out a way to keep her housed and fed.

Any advice on the sort of account to set up for my dad to deposit money to?

Gratefully -
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You can simply open a checking acct and have her name and yours (or just yours) on it and use it as any checking acct. HOWEVER--if your mom is alert and with it enough to want to see what's going into it and who is putting money into it, that may not work. My mom is 85 and still writes checks for everything and still balances her acct to the penny--she'll fret and fuss over it if she's off by a nickel. I myself have used online banking and my HUSBAND doesn't even know how to look at it, much less pay the bills. IF she isn't the least bit likely to see the acct, you could freely put in deposits and such and pay her bills and no worries. I would keep meticulous records (which online banking kind of forces you to do, esp if you categorize each payment as you go). Also you can pay bills from your home and not hers. If family members want to add in to that, great, but don't count on it. If your father still wants to help out, also still great, but I'd keep the expenses going out to a minimum until you KNOW that he is really going to be there each month. Keep a pretty comfortable balance as a cushion, if you can (good advice for anybody!) and see how it goes. Give your dad the acct # or some actual deposit slips. It doesn't say on those where the money came from--so he'd be in "the clear". Good Luck!
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