I am a 41 year old single female and an only child with no children. A few years ago I had a gut feeling that if I didn't move back to the east coast my parents were going to die. 4 months after I moved back mom got a septic infection that nearly killed her. After 3 months of hospital and rehab I took her, we bought a house and dad joined us. Mom has always required more care than dad but it was all managable for the most part.
Last fall mom went on in home hospice because of an unknown tumor on her lung and end stage copd empjasemia. This has been really hard on dad and I. Last Christmas dad's chronic pain took a turn getting worse, became more depressed and I was to begin getting him tested for dementia because he was starting to show all the signs. Getting him to go to the dr was impossible and he wouldn't go no matter the approach I took. Dad went into the hospital last week for pnemonia and got released with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.
I can't even express the extent of grief and fear I am feeling at the moment. I care for them both full time and my workload before this was unmanageable I don't know how I am going to get through this. I am doing it all by myself and it is so scary. Last night dad was puking while mom needed help on the toilet and the dog was barking at me for attention.
I couldn't even tell you what the worst part is....
Knowing my family is dying at the same time and I will be alone?
Can't even smoke a joint to relax because someone might have a medical emergency?
Watching my parents suffer miserable deaths?
Working my a** off everyday just knowing it is going to get worse from here?
Consoling my dad when all I want to do is cry all the time but there is literally no time for grief?
The seven deaths of friends that have happened in the last 3 years that I haven't had much time to process?
The fact that I am an empath and absorb the emotions around me so I often feel like I am dying myself?
I know that when I look back at this time I will be proud of myself and know I did right by them but....how do I get through now?
The lonliness is the worst. I have pushed so many friends away because they don't understand or I have a hard time empathizing with their struggles that seem so unimportant compaired to mine. I got a dog to help with my lonliness but she is really needy and another living creature that needs everything from me.
I used to be this easy going west coast person that was filled with love and kindness. I feel those things at moments inside of me but everything feels so grim and hopeless and I have so little left to give.
Where is the hope?
I don't know if you receive therapy or are on an antidepressant but I think with all the sadness around you it could prove helpful. I am also an only child to a 90 year old mother who is now immobile after a serious septic infection. She resides in a NH after 7 years in AL. The immobile aspect has been hard for me to deal with for her.
As I an sure you realize the presence of Covid in all our lives aggravates so many aspects of daily living. Combine that with all you are coping with and you have a perfect storm.
If I were in your shoes I would think about where you might most want to live. Maybe it's someplace different that could offer you a positive change. I don't recall you stating if there had been a job before CG took over your life. I don't know if finances are a significant issue to your particular life.
This is a time in the world like no other. All sorts of people are changing their habitation due to challenges of Covid. I think it would be helpful if you could try to find a support group. I hope you find your way and there is not too much time of suffering for your parents. You should not beat up on yourself. You have made a tremendous sacrifice and I hope you find some rewards for all that.
My parents bought this house with the idea that they would be leaving it to me and I intend to stay here. It is quite and in the country and my chosen west coast family will join me in a couple of years. It's that window of time between that has me panicked.
Last summer my therapist left her position and I felt stable enough to be ok with that and not pursue another. Given the current news I am going to get another therapist asap. As for meds...I was on them for anxiety for 5 years and they helped make me overweight. Last summer I decided to stop them. Boy does that timing suck.
Before mom got sick I got a job as a caregiver with the state which is something I always wanted. When this is over I never want to care give again. Ever.
I grew up in ny, lived in or for 12 years and well now I am in ma and it is ok. Portland changed so much while I was there and even more so since I left that returning isn't an option.
With mom and dad leaving I see some healing and then possibly some foster kids to fill the space.
Thank you for reminding me that there is life and hope outside of this despair and redundancy. I used to be a person and pretty cool one in fact.
Thank you for reminding me of how the pandemic did create this perfect storm for me and so many other ones in similar situations.
I guess there is hope that I am not alone. Thank you for listening
Now is the time to call in hospice services, if you haven't already. There is no reason for either of your parents to suffer their end days in misery, and hospice will see to it they don't. That is your hope right now. That your parents won't suffer and you won't have to bear witness to such agony and live with that memory. Hospice helped my father pass peacefully, with a large brain tumor that would have made the end of his life unbearable otherwise. For that I am eternally grateful.
Your hope lies in the future you carve out for yourself later. After your parents pass and all those final arrangements are made. Then it's time for you to create your new life in whatever fashion you see for yourself.
But for now, you just have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, remembering to relax and unwind yourself. Call for hospice help and or caregivers to come in and give you some necessary respite. Even God rested on the 7th day, don't forget.
Wishing you all the best as you wend your way along this difficult road. You'll never be alone, either, even after your beloved parents leave this life for the next, as they'll stay with you forever in spirit.