Today, I woke up to this huge crash bang. A junior from one of our Catholic schools had been rear ended, causing her small two door vehicle to total a neighbors truck before hitting my front yard fence, which is now demolished. 911 told me to ask that victim if she needed medical, which she declined. I found out she was 17 and called the cops to bring medical. The girl managed to call her dad, who decided that she was going to get checked out.
Times like this bring out the entire neighborhood to eventually get caught up with our neighbors.
Each side of me, what we did was swap elder care stories. My one neighbor had to get lawyers involved as the dad's paid caregiver was extorting him. He got placed in an AL with an additional aide before he died.
My other neighbor moved in with her family when the husband, unvaccinated, died on a vent from covid in February leaving behind a frail person who is now falling a lot.
There is no dementia, but the caregiver told me that her aunt was confronted by her pt who said she had three choices here.
Accept help that includes PT.
Get people in who can be there when they’re not.
Or go to AL.
My neighbor, the homeowner, declined all of them.
I imparted some advice that I’ve learned here on forum, but the dilemma is always the same.
- what accepting help means (it means they are aging, are less independent and will steadily lose control, are mortal) and they've spent their whole lives not coming to grips with the reality that their life will eventually end. It terrifies people so they ignore it.
- they have the very beginnings of cognitive impairment/memory problems, and it doesn't yet register in a basic test or with their doctor. "Stubbornness" is often blamed but in reality it is often cognitive decline.
- they have a hard time trusting when they already feel vulnerable. Many elders don't have someone they feel safe or comfortable with on a deeply personal level.
My sons all know that I'm a regular participant here, and with our 4 family elders they've seen a lot and know a lot. I often tell them that there probably won't be any "line" that I or their dad slide over into dementia territory (if that's how it goes for me). I've let them know that seemingly irrational stubbornness is a symptom and they need to pay attention to it.
Good question.
Next visit, when I see mess or unhygienic environment - I will ask & report back.
I suspect like the Hoarders episode I watched it is a mixture. The main ones being;
1. Fear. Of other people. Of letting go. Of losing independence.
2. Pride.
3. Lack of insight
4. Denial
No one wants to be told how to live, and those big decisions often have to wait for a crisis or for the person in question to have an epiphany of their own, because people fear there's no going back if they give up that autonomy. They're usually right, too.
Lately, the homeowner has had confusion with her medication. The niece got her one of those services that sends out individual wrapped packs of whatever meds. At the last minute, the homeowner just decided she didn’t want the blister packs. I mean, besides the mixup issue is the fact that homeowner is literally making them pick up pills every day.
I wish I could tell her, and all these seniors requesting family help, that the family is actually there so that they can age in place longer. We have no interest in taking over your life, but we also can’t be your life.
But seriously, I think the answers to your question will be just as varied and numerous as the aging population is. In other words every senior is different and the reasons they don't accept help are as individual as they are.
My mom, who was religious about seeing her doctor every three months and who had had a CAT scan of her brain with every episode of HPB was found to have had an undetected stroke that had wiped out a good deal of her reasoning ability, ability to prioritize and see her own needs accurately.
But then again, she has always been frail but was able to manage when hubs was working or later when hubs was golfing. She meanwhile was very into nextdoor to advertise their doggy day care. Granted, she wasn’t the one walking them in later years, but she’d stay home for four hours at a time attending to client dogs.
I think that’s what niece thought she was walking into, but since the hubs death three months back, her functionality has declined, and she won’t see anyone about it.
I think Seniors who refuse help would rather depend upon family they trust, are confused by the medical system and are often in denial. May be that simple. They are used to aches and pains and trips and falls, and ignore all the signs. They have passed to the realm where a bad headache is just a bad headache like they have had all their lives, when in reality it may be Blood Pressure or impending stroke of something other. But they often just take the tack that "I will feel better tomorrow". Or "I will give Ann a call to see what she thinks" (and that may be Ann's ninth call that day.)
But who really knows.
So there you remain, shaking your heads over the busted garden fence!
Take care Peggy Sue.