When will I stop feeling like I’m lost in space?
Mama passed away July 27, 2021, peacefully…in her sleep. Thank GOD for that! And, thanks to all of you, I was prepared for her passing. I have/had been reading here for months, and you all shared posts of what “the-end” would be like. Thanks to you all, I did not panic or hyper-ventilate myself into a heart attack. I was ready!
My question now is, how long before I stop tunneling through daily life stuff like a zombie… feeling mostly nothing? I only feel human texting or talking to my husband, adult children, my 11 year old grandson, and my BFF.
I can’t occupy all of their time. So, how/when can I get to feeling human all by myself . . . again?
PS: I’ve been hesitant to post because I didn’t/don’t have time (yet) to interact BUT, I need HELP! Any suggestions?
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Because of that you loose friends and a sense of “self”.
Then in a matter of hours your world changes. You are no longer a caregiver. You’re no longer “doing” for someone hour after hour, day after day.
It took me a long time before I could be out and not look at my watch and say or think “I have to get home by 3 because the caregiver has to go.”
It took me a long time before I could sleep through the night, waking every few hours to change my Husbands brief, or change his position.
You need to find You again. What did you do before you were a caregiver? Can you that? Or is there something you have felt strongly about?
I Volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I also Volunteer with a Veterans group. These activities help keep me busy and I feel good contributing.
Sure it is still difficult at times. I hear a song on the radio and one time it has no effect on me, another time and I breakdown. No rhyme nor reason.
Give yourself time.
Be kind to yourself.
And I will share this with you…
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love
((hugs))
You have identified yourself as a caregiver for many years and now that role has ended. It will take time to move forward into new things. You could pick up some of the things you did before caregiving but now might be the time to consider something new.
Years ago I started writing (to myself) a document on my computer called "Wondering Who I Am" because I realized that after all the years of a living with a controlling husband and now caring for him, I lost "me." Maybe you could try writing for your own sake, not words anyone else will ever need to read. I find writing helps me process.
* I believe that everyone grieves differently as we are all a unique combination emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually -
* And, how we believe / process the transition from being here on earth to wherever we go. Some believe in heaven (which I do not understand personally), some believe in reincarnation and others, perhaps like me, believe that energy continues on and transforms.
* You 'may' stop tunneling through daily life . . . as you are when you feel through however you feel. Be with it. Understand it is grief and a part of the human experience. With lots of emotions going through us.
* If it supports you, write write write.
* Meditate.
* There is no rushing through grief. We can get stuck in the process though if we do not allow it to wash through us, like a spring or cascade on a mountain top.
* Reconsider - reframe how you say "... I only feel human texting . . . " ALL your feelings, including numbing out, are part of how you feel and part of your process.
* Sit with yourself in silence and be with 'it' no matter how 'it' feels or how you associate / attach meaning to it. Honor your grief by being with yourself through it. It is painful. You are likely in shock.
* If you have difficulty being with you, focus on your breath. Or, as we tend to inhale more deeply when we focus on it, be aware / focus on the in-between moments when breathing in and out.
* Key is to be present and honor all your feelings, even the ones you say you do not feel. They feel you. And, they want you to grieve and heal through however the process takes / moves you.
And, do things that bring you joy (flowers, gardening, a walk).
This is a time when you are super sensitive to the present. Love yourself in any way you that supports you in presence.
Touch Matters / Gena
Besides spending time with family and Spot, I do simple, healing things. I "play" in my garden, and have worked on some projects - knitting, sewing, carpentry - all work with my hands that I already had some skills with - nothing new to learn, and no deadlines. I also did some major closet cleaning out with several trips to various recycling centers and resale shops. That was therapeutic to me because I felt like I was getting my life back, but might be overwhelming to other people.
Something that a lot of people have a hard time realizing is that your emotions are all yours and all valid. Sometimes I hear people say "I shouldn't feel this way." or "I should be over this now." Well, no. We don't control our feelings. We can and should control our actions, but acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to feel them.
Just give yourself time to heal. If you are feeling like it is more than you can handle, check into grief support groups.
At first, I had all the end of life notifications to make so that kept me busy. Then we had a virtual service (no regular calling hours or funeral were allowed at the time). I had put off going through boxes of things that were from the family house when it was sold so I forced myself to do that. We visited our kids/grandkids without worrying that I'd have to get back for an emergency. And then there was a celebration of life to plan this summer which was both sad and cathartic. Keeping busy with things that both remind you of the person you lost as well as things you didn't do because you were caring for that person will gradually get you back on track. It does take time, you can't make it happen any sooner than you're ready but it does happen. Set small goals for yourself each day and you'll feel good when you've accomplished them. Over time, you'll have larger goals and they won't seem as daunting. Eventually you start to feel more like your "old" self. This doesn't mean you won't have sad times or times when you simply can't accomplish what you set out to do but those become fewer as the months go by.
I'm very sorry for your loss. As much as we try to prepare for the inevitable, we are never truly prepared when it happens. As I'm writing this, my phone kindly brought up a picture of a "memory" from 4 year ago - Mom on her front porch with all her beautiful flowers. It still makes me cry. When she and I would talk about getting older, she would always say "It beats the alternative!" Oh, she was so right!
Get out in the world again. Whatever that means in your life.
Due to Covid, the world is probably different than it was when you started caretaking, so naturally your behavior has to adapt.
Do something you enjoy. Shopping, museums, movies, lunch with a friend? Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Design short, low-pressure outings alone or with others - but choose someone outside the bubble that you listed so thst you start branching out.
I always felt movies were a great place to escape. But learn about the movie before you go to make sure it is appropriate for your mood.
When I was first at a movie following my mom’s death, I chose a comedy purposefully and then there was this “supposed-to-be-funny” scene where this guy was electrocuted and needed CPR. I wanted to run screaming out of the theater because I was doing CPR on mom just after she died until the paramedics could arrive. The memory of that distasteful scene still makes me cringe.
The thing that helped me feel alive again most was engaging in volunteer work. It got me out and thinking about other people’s problems, not mine.
Volunteer work has changed too, but there are still lots of things you can do during Covid. Volunteering at a religious institution is easy, the projects are already set up, you can just show up and join the assembly line. No pre-thought needed.
if you aren’t interested in implementing a project that someone else has created, design your own. You can always start small by bringing dinner to someone who is sick or grieving. It is as simple as making an extra portion of whatever you are cooking. It may cause you to cook creatively, and make something more exciting than your repertoire.
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