Update: Moved my 84 year old mother to Memory care from a different company in April and she seems to be doing much, much better than the AL we moved her into after rehab hospital after she broke her arm. She hated the AL and threatened to get a lawyer and 1 time tried to escaped. She went to the desk almost daily to ask to call the police because she was kidnapped. Anyway, none of this has continued at the memory care place so my sisters and I feel good about that move. I am remote and my 2 sisters are local to her.
My mother has stopped asking about when she is going home but she has mentioned to the activities coordinator that her goal is to go back to her home which she lived alone since my dad passed in 2021. This is not the plan and the memory care place is aware.
Her house is paid off but is vacant, We keep the air conditioning on and the yard taken care of but just wanted to get advice about when we should bring up the topic of selling the house to her. My sister has POA.
My mother specifically asked my sister with POA to keep her in the loop about such decisions and has asked what is going on with the house while in memory care. We all just say " Nothings going on with the house" because we are all traumatized from her behavior in the AL place.
Her memory is in the mid-range of decline. She will forget conversations an hour later but she might remember a visit from the day before. She still remembers her daughters and their husbands names but has forgotten the grandkids name.
I think it will traumatize her to get her approval to start preparing the house for sale but just wanted get some feedback since I have received such good feedback to my questions in the past.
Sell the house. It is a liability to have it vacant. That's what we are doing.
If your mom is the title owner of the house, and you / she haven’t sold it before she passes, when she does pass you will have to go through probate. Even though the house is paid off. I hear the process can be long and tiring. Even if you have POA. The Living Trust just puts the ownership of the house in the trust, and adds you as beneficiaries so then it’s an easy transfer of ownership. This way you avoid paying a lot of taxes on the difference between the original sale price at which she bought the house and the market price when you sell it in the present.
Find a good Estate Lawyer, one who specializes in setting up Living Trusts.
Good luck with your mom! More power to ya, I know how tough it can be.
Why Would You Do This?
- their brain is / has changed and they will not be able to make decisions in their best interest.
- They will constantly 'insist' and 'demand' - know this is likely a combination of personality and fear.
- You deal with this by telling them WHATEVER will keep your mother as calm as possible. "Of course" she will always say she wants to go home. Who wouldn't? After a while, she will stop - although it could be a long while.
You DO NOT WANT to discuss / say anything that would potentially traumatize her. Why would you? You do what is in her best interest. She will fight you 'tooth and nail' for what she considers / feels is her life line - holding on to the independence she wants / used to have.
- Always show compassionate listening / understanding. Be clear on your boundaries. If you don't know what to say in a given moment, say "I'll think about that and get back to you ... that's a good question." Then change the subject.
* If you have any legal questions about how to proceed, i.e., POA and other legal documentation, get an attorney.
It is hard to realize that your mom isn't the same person you used to know, although or even if she is 'mid-range of decline.' It is a grief filled time - this transition. Google Teepa Snow. She has webinars, books, You Tubes and more on how to interact / communicate with a family member inflicted with dementia.
Gena / Touch Matters
We have a wonderful program here called IRIS that helps disabled and elderly stay in their home and provide the funding they need to pay not only for care, but for anything they may need in the home or outside activities that are not already covered by their insurance. The one here is through Medicaid and it allows her to pick who ever she wants for care givers (that includes family).
There is not need to force her out of her home! So listen to your mother and don't be so cruel!
Don’t say anything to your mom. If she asks about going home just say yeah, but it’s being painted, fumigated, remodeled whatever, just stall. She will eventually stop asking. Tell care providers to play along.
I try to keep him occupied with things to do near his new home. I need to sell his house but do not want to tell him.
Before you start any of this, contact a selling agent and ask for a set of photos to be taken of the property. They will be important memories for you as well as for other family members. For the actual sale, you will be asked to 'de-personalise' the property, so that a purchaser can see it as 'theirs', not 'yours'. But for memories you want photos taken while it is still 'personal'. It's worth the extra money!
At the same time, I’d suggest that you start to talk about how much work is needed to the fabric of the house and yard. Some of it may be true, if it’s things that should be done before a sale. Some of it may just be ‘complaints’ about what OUGHT to be done, at least potentially. Ask for her suggestions or decisions, particularly about plumbing etc that she probably doesn't understand. Build up the picture that the house isn’t in good shape to move back into, and that it’s all a lot of work and worry.
If you have the time to do this gradually, you may find that the end is a whole lot easier for her to accept. It may even seem like a relief!
You all need to realize that you don't need mom's approval for anything now. ANYTHING. You can ease every situation onto her and discuss with her as if it makes a difference, but it does not. It only stirs up things that are better left alone.
The family could now be getting her house ready for sale, such as cleaning out the attic and basement, getting rid of old clothes and knitting needles and that figurine she bought on her trip to Niagara Falls in 1995. You do this without her knowledge. In the end, she won't care. It seems sneaky, but that's how you and the fam need to do things. Mom has dementia. That rules all.
That means possibly that you have to sell the house and place the funds in an account that will be available to pay for her care.
The POA does not need moms approval to sell the house.
If she asks about it you say what you have been saying and you can add these phrases.
The house is being taken care of.
The house is in good hands.
We are taking care of everything
All of these statements are true. Even if the house is sold the statements are also true.
(If the house is sold just hope that no "do gooder friend" of hers comes to visit and spills the beans. But if that does happen you can just say that her "friend" does not know what they are talking about)
Sell it as soon as you can...a vacant house is or can be trouble. Anything from someone breaking in to squatters and just neglect (I think houses know when they are vacant and they begin to "die" if that makes sense)
Consider it a GOOD thing that you have it vacant! (and not still full of her stuff!)
so being vacant, you can deliberate whether its best to rent it out vs sell it.....
Dementia prohibits a person from being able to make decisions or process decisions made on their behalf. Since the vast majority of dementia sufferers are obsessed with "going home" in the first place, what earthly good would it do for you to discuss selling moms home with her???? So she can cry and complain incessantly and then require drugs to calm her down?
Please let common sense prevail here. Do not apply our rules of normalcy about "lying" to folks afflicted with damaged brains. Come up with whatever vague story you need to in order to keep mom calm about her house, that's the only goal: Keeping them calm.
Best of luck.
the home .
Do not tell Mom .
Just keep giving the same vague answers because she forgets what you say an hour later .
If every time she brings up the house and you told her it’s sold , she will get upset each time as if it was the first time hearing it .
If she wasn’t as forgetful I would tell the truth .
This is what DH and I did. DH unplugged the refrigerator and and appliances. I had a light set up in the living room that went on at dusk and off at 11pm. Mom always kept her stove light on, so we did too. I left the water on and in the winter left heat at 55. Mom had no a/c. But if I kept it on, it would be on the highest possible temp for comfort if being shown. If you can, have a neighbor park their car in Moms drive. Have mailed dlvrd to sister. Lawn mowed so it looks like someone is living there.
When Mom asks about the house, fib. She will never return and you should not have the responsibility of it.
So I will focus on working with my sisters to clear out the stuff.
If you want to keep the house - rent it out - get a rental company to collect the rent and then save the money for repairs and up keep.
I had to sell my daddys car because he could not remember how to drive or where he was. So because I was POA and Executor of the Estate I could sell it. He had resigned from trustee of his living trust and so I was able to do this. Talk to an elder attorney -- well worth the money trust me!
There are repurcussions to keeping and to selling. If mom is self pay then this will give her the needed extra funds for her care ongoing. If she is on Medicaid she can keep the home, may not want the funds, and there will be clawback by the government when the home is sold.
The home will be difficult to get insured, difficult to keep up without funds unless rented; a family member may be able to move in to caretake.
All these legal "nice-ities" need to be known. An attorney, elder law in your area, can help you make decisions.
None of this now really is in your mother's control. She KNOWS WHAT IS COMING and that is why she keeps asking. The POA handles these decisions for your Mom now in her best interests and your Mom will be informed. She will GRIEVE. DO grieve along with her, because is this last loss not worth grieving?