When is it time to walk away and leave Mom on her own?

I do not think she should walk alone, she needs assistance or she could fall and fracture a hip. It seems she needs 24 hour care to be safe. Poor eyesight, walker getting in the way, falling on Sunday I am concerned for her safety. I would not put the door back on and be firm, the door is a hazard. We sometimes have to make decisions for our loved in their best interest to keep them safe. It might be time to place her in a nice facility for her safety. Things are going to get harder as time goes on and you need a plan in place. Good luck.

Place her in a Memory Care Assisted Living community where she can be cared for and safe 24/7. Don't ever walk away and leave a demented elder alone to fend for herself! She has NO reasoning skills and no ability to understand danger, or consequences to her behavior. That's what dementia is all about. Not only should you not put the door back on the bathroom, you shouldn't leave her alone in the shower, no matter how loudly she objects.

You either need to make her home safe to live in, or place her in a safe environment. It's okay either way. This shouldnt be about what the "squad" thinks of you....but about doing the right thing for your mother, aggravation aside. My own mother lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and they do a great job of caring for her. Much better than I'd do, truthfully. Be honest with yourself and make your decision accordingly.

She has no reasoning skills left because she has dementia.
IF you want to remain with her in the house there are hinges that you can get that will allow the door to open fully. OR Have a carpenter come in and enlarge the opening to the bathroom. It would require a bit of work but it should be possible.
Is this the only barrier?
Enlarge other doorways there will come a time, maybe sooner rather than later when she will be in a wheelchair.
If she continues to use furniture as support it will be sooner. One option might be to remove as much furniture as possible. Use the closet, put a dresser in the closet if that is possible. It will eliminate some of her spots for support so that she has to use the walker more.
As I said you can not reason with her but remind her that if she falls she will go to the hospital, she will go to rehab and she may not be able to return home after that.
Begin to look at Memory Care facilities so that you know what is available and you will be able to take the steps needed when the time comes.

Hang a shower curtain in the doorway of the bathroom.

Currently you are living in her house? If you moved in 7 years ago with her begging not to be put in a nursing home, clearly there were already problems 7 years ago? And no diagnosis??
If you do not know if she has dementia then that is the place to start. Diagnosis. Let her doctor know she need a thorough evaluation. After that it is guardianship and placement.
She would not now be safe alone just from issues of mobility. So it is way too late for you to just "leave" at this point.

Please, you need to get her "officially: diagnosed so you can get power of attorney &/or guardianship. It might take a little time but it will take a burden off your shoulders. There are a few other suggestions I have: 1) The hand hold bars aren't expensive and if you can't install them, there usually are a few handymen that work for cheap; or free for certain jobs; to install stuff like this thru your local senior services agency. 2) About the walker. Do you know of anyone who welds? I've seen a few of them cut & rewelded a little narrower to fit thru odd size doors. 3) As for the suggestions the officers made, that's all they are-suggestions. Since you didn't/don't have guardianship, there's nothing you could legally do; that's why you needs guardianship asap. 4) The door is not only a privacy issue but it's Her way of still keeping some dignity & control of her life. If it's financially feasible, look into a bi-folding door. They aren't heavy so installation is easy and she'll still be able to keep her privacy. They are also easier to open & close when using a walker since there's less swing room and have 2 places to "grab; to open & close. You don't need the extra trim like you have on a regular door, so that also will give you an extra inch to 1.5 inches in width for the opening if it's removed. Why not go onto facebook market place and put an add for some of the jobs you need to have done. Sometimes handymen will do it for free as an act of paying it forward, sometimes it's a school group that can do them as part of their community outreach programs.

Pretty good shape for 95! My MIL is 94 and doing a bit better than your mom but has some definite similarities. I nagged my MIL enough to get her to ALWAYS use her walker. She kept leaving it and saying she was holding onto the wall. Umm, sorry, no. Not safe. At all.

So you need to make your mom's environment safer and not care what she says about it. Just know she will complain and you can feel good about doing the right thing and making her safer. Don't argue about it. Blame it on the doctor. Or someone. "They" made me do it. Try to have some general vague responses to her complaints and try not to get upset about it and definitely don't argue or even explain.

I also agree with others that it is probably time to look into memory care for your mom. Even if you have "promised" that you wouldn't put her in a home, that is not a valid promise.

Good luck.

There are some great responses to consider. I particularly agree about not leaving her alone at this point. Her inability to function, reason, and use good judgment seems very poor. I'd make a list of her behavior and share with her doctor, so he knows what she's like. That may help with the evaluation. Are you the appointed DPOA and HCPOA? If not, I'd get a consult ASAP with an elder law attorney who focuses on Medicaid planning. You may want to know where you stand and how you can make decisions for her if she is deemed incompetent. You might inquire about your legal interest in the home from a Medicaid and estate perspective.( Inquire about adult children caregivers who live in the home for at least 2 years. They may have rights to the home if Medicaid is necessary.)

Reasoning with her her won't help. Eventually, it becomes a matter of keeping her safe. I'd likely not allow her to walk alone without assistance. You can't be certain she won't fall, touch the heaters, etc. Space heaters are very risky.

How much longer can YOU handle this daily stress?

We DO want to do what's 'best' for our LO's. And sadly, that is often moving them out of their current living environment to one that provides more care.

I visited my mother on Monday and was shocked to see how much messier and actually dirtier her apartment is. I have not gone into it for a year (I was doing chemo and her feral birds were a health danger for me).

Quite obviously, no one had so much as swept her floors or watered her plants. I pointed out that they are ALL dead and said I would be happy to throw them out and her response was "I can't see them, so who cares?". I did take a minute and wipe down the chandelier that hangs over her kitchen table, ropes of dust were hanging down from it and fall into her food. She told me to stop 'fussing' but when her kitchen faucet snaps off in my hand...I have to do SOMETHING.

I did 'fix' the faucet and tried to take out the bathroom trash as the smell of wet depends was gagging me. Mom just said to leave it--that was a job her 'maid' did (my mentally challenged 24 yo niece) who doesn't do anything, but mom gives her $20 a week to do....I dunno what.

She'll never move from YB's home. To me, it's past depressing and I want to scream when I am there and when I leave. This is NOT what our dad would have wanted for her, and her health is impacted by the filthy air and hoard of junk.

BUT..I have less than zero say in what goes on. YBs are her POA's and neither of them want to move her and neither of them care about how messy her place is. So, I just make my occasional visits and try to not go into her place. 2020 was a terrible year for her, so I'm not going to make this year worse by pushing for a move to an ALF of some kind.

Sad, it's just sad. At least you have some say. I am bound by silence as being a 'girl' and girls don't have any say in our family.

What do you want the outcome to be? You are not morally or ethically obligated to honor the promise you made to her about a NH since you would never have been able to know how bad things could get for the both of you.

If you want life to be improved for the both of you, you will need to either significantly ramp up the amount of in-home for her, or she needs to transition into a care facility. There are only 2 options from which to choose, assuming you don't want to lose your own sanity and health in the process.

If nothing changes then it is inevitable that she will soon have a catastrophic fall that will land her in the hospital and then "rehab" and then probably LTC anyway. She is not able to "learn" anything new, or adapt. Indeed, she is losing what she already knows, so is in essence going backwards. I wish you great wisdom and peace in your heart as you ponder what truly would be in both your best interests.

My mom had drapes that covered the opening between her sitting room and the kitchen. She used it in the summer to keep her room cooler and the winter to keep it warmer. I HATED the curtain. Now I feel ashamed that I complained about it so much. She did not hang onto it, etc as others warned about and it worked....but that was before she had to use a walker.
I’m assuming your mom bathes only when someone is there. At any rate, You could put the curtain away when you aren’t there. Put it up to heat the room and then take it down. Find a way to compromise to decrease the tension between you.

I think what you are trying to say is “I love you mom. I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself. Let’s figure this out together”.

Also look into a rollator. I was amazed at how much easier it is for my 94 yr old to get around with it than her walker. I know it won’t go into the bathroom either but it might get her closer without incident.

You could also put a bedside commode by her bed for the nights so she wouldn’t have to go so far. My mom had a bathroom just a few steps away but she was on diuretics and had to get up 4 times a night on average. The bedside commode was her safety net. Of course it has to be emptied and sanitized.

A motion detection light might be beneficial to insure her path is well illuminated.

Thank you all for your advice. My mothers bathroom is in her bedroom. She can shut her bedroom door for privacy. She started this morning that she was not getting out of bed until I put her door on. I told her it was her choice. She states she is not going to freeze and wants her door on to keep the heat in. Using all the heaters keep the bathroom warm. I do go in and check in on her from time to time, but she doesn’t know. She has made it clear she does not want help. I tried to explain again it is for her safety. She told me to pack my things and get out. I walked out saying if I leave she will go to a nursing home. She says she isn’t going anywhere. She then called my sister and told her she was going to call the police on me. My sister also tried to reason with her. No luck. I thought of a curtain in the doorway, but she would forget there is no door handle and reach for it for stability. I am standing firm this time on the door. Thank you all again for your advice. It is nice to know that some agree with me and I am not the enemy. I just can not believe this is my kind, loving , do anything for anyone in need, mother.

I've said this before and I'll say it again.... if someone says it's too cold to take a shower then get them those bath wipes that they can use instead of taking a full shower. They leave you just as clean, smelling really sweet and you can stay warm while using them.

We have a really weird door situation in our master bedroom. When we moved in the sink are is open to the room - kind of like a hotel room. Their was a door to close off the toilet and shower area but was so tight you couldn't stand on the floor to open or close the door (had to stand in the shower). We removed the door and have it stored. We added an accordion folding door to close off the sink from the room so the entire master bathroom is enclosed. Maybe you can have an accordion door installed - very easy to do.

I am concerned that your mom is so combative because she has fear of loss of control. Please consider talking to her doctor about a geriatric psychiatric evaluation. She may be easier to manage with anti-anxiety medications.

btw, get her room cleared out more in accordance with what squad told you. Just make sure that mom sees that you are not throwing out her things, but making it easier for her to maneuver. If she is on anti-anxiety medications, this task will be a whole lot easier.

This woman is 95 with dementia. Look at all what has happened and what she is demanding. Look at how upset you are the the difficulties she is causing. The answer is so simple but you can't see it - you must immediately remove her and put her into a facility to give you some peace and provide some safety for her. You do NOT HAVE A CHOICE. She will make your life hell if you don't do something. It is too late for her to be in charge - you are in charge and you must take on that responsibility - now. She has to go.

Can you get a tension rod and put up a lightweight curtain in the doorway? Once she's safely in the bathroom you can pull it closed and open it for her when she's done. This way she gets her privacy and the heat she wants, and the door stays off.
She will not change her behavior, so don't expect that to ever happen. That said, her safety (and your peace of mind) is paramount! Put in as many safety aids as you can. There should be safety bars all over the bathroom and a shower chair. No throw rugs or runners anywhere. Remove door saddles so she can't trip moving from one room to another. You can put a bed rail on her bed so she can more easily get in and out. There are very inexpensive led motions lights that can be attached to key areas so she can see when she gets up at night. Wifi cameras can easily be put around the house (try Wyze on Amazon) where you can view what she's up to from your phone. There is so much available, do the research. You won't regret it. Good luck!

I kind of get it about having a door shut when showering. I am cold all of the time. And regardless of how high the heat is, unless I can close the door and heat the area up - the air is just to cold for me.

You can get the door made wider - construction fees would be involved. A cheaper remedy would be hand a heavy curtain, blanket, tablecloth over the opening. You can sash it to one side when not bathing and it should be out of her way.

I'm going thru the same thing with my 85 year old dad. He now needs a walker to get around the house safely. His bathroom door is narrow, like 23 inches narrow. He didn't want the door removed either, so I measured the door way and went to Goodwill, (they loan the medical supplies in Arkansas for free, but you have to ask, they keep them in the back of the store) and they had a narrow one that measure 24 inches. I took it home and turned the wheels to the INSIDE of the walker and now it fits thru the door. Dad then put tape around the top portion where the wheels attach and taped them tight so the wheel are now stable, and won't move. Give it a try.
So far so good at dads house. Good luck.

let social services answer her questions.
they will come out and do an assessment of her home and what needs to be changed.
get a portable commode = toilet by her bed so she doesn't have to walk anywhere.

if you cannot follow their instructions at all.. then perhaps get someone in who can follow safety rules for mom, or move her.

who has POA for finance and health? if it's not you... release her to them.
It's a tough situation... just know, you will be making the right decision one way or the other.. It is ok..
Her health baseline is now.. this is her healthiest moment of the rest of her life.... truthfully...

goodwill and 2nd hand stores are good to find walkers. get tennis balls to fit around the base of the wheels so they slide.. cut em and fit em..

You can also find replacement parts at home depot and lowes, last time I checked a few years back...

So... mother fell on Sunday morning. Any ill effects from that, or further falls/stumbles/near misses since?

If not, here is what I would do today:

Put her door back. If she'll allow the lock to be taken off it I'd be relieved (a fallen senior behind a locked bathroom door really is no joke).

Get a bedside commode for use between (say) 10:00 pm and 07:00 am.

Say as little as humanly possible about anything controversial until the dust has settled.

Don't worry about what the squad might say about your (not your, actually: her) failure (not a failure, merely a lead-in period) to implement their recommendations. They will be even more aware than you are that these changes require mother's consent.

There are various alerts, monitors and devices that can help you be present when your mother is mobilising. Would you consider using these, and would you rate your chances of getting her to agree to them if they can be kept low-key?

Can you not turn the heating up in the area that leads to the bathroom, or put a heater in there to provide a suitable warmth level - perhaps you should follow the "squad's" advice. Why seek the advice of experts who can see the situation and then ignore it and hope to get answers you like on here?

We are getting a new bathroom door. I took the door down thinking it would get replaced faster but not the case. I bought a bathroom heater for my mother that heats the bathroom very quickly. I put it on an hour before her bath. She has a shower chair that is warm when she sits on it. She is 98 and no problem with being cold. I get hot when I bath her. Good luck.

How about trying a portable commode placed next to her bed that she can use at night?
As for her being in charge and the threats she makes about throwing you out, you don't have to put up with that.
You're the one living there and taking care of her and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
Tell her straight that if you go she's going into a nursing home unless she makes other arrangements herself for her care.
If she refuses to bathe or shower until the door is put back on the bathroom, tell her that she will be the one who will suffer the problems that come from a lack of hygiene, not you.
Put up a curtain on a rod in place of the bathroom door so that is can be pulled over when it's shower time, and that kept pulled to one side at night. Or an accordian fan-style door that can be folded and put to one side. Don't ask her if she agrees to it. Just go ahead and do it.

The time is NOW. Get her into other custody: professional, preferably. Tell her either she listens to you or you walk. You can’t take care of her, if you don’t take care of YOU first! No one should put up with that kind of abuse.

This may not be the safest solution on the planet, but it worked for my mother for many years (twelve, in fact): She simply turned her walker sideways and pushed it through her narrow bathroom door that way. I installed grab bars so that she always had something additional to hang onto.

It's important to note that she had adapted her walkers to use Shepherd ball-type casters, which greatly improved maneuverability for her. In the later years, I took off the casters and replaced them with furniture glides. This also worked until she was leaning so heavily on the walker that it started getting away from her, at which point I invested in the narrowest transfer chair I could find, and she never walked into the bathroom (or anywhere else) after that.

Everyone's needs are different, so proceed with caution according to your mother's condition. Good luck.

It's great you are trying to keep your mom safe. Maybe in one of her calmer moments y'all could come to a compromise? I like the idea of the curtain on a tension rod.

Hi,
There is no manual for this. I realized that when I started taking care of my Mother in Law and Mother newly married in my husbands home. Its been quite a ride. His mother has since passed. My Mother is 84. She wants to have total control. She refuses to listen or follow rules, she cries all the time, almost everyday. We rescued her from her mobile home and has been here for 7 years. My health deteriorated. My husband has a short fuse because he suffers from depression with outbursts esp. when someone pushes his buttons and starts (stupid as I call it), situations that do not need to exist in the first place. Those buttons are outside our bodies and my Mother will push them like a baby with a busy box on their beds. I am going to write a book someday. Right now at this moment I live with terrible anxiety with her here. She has relied on me to do everything. All her paperwork which is a lot to handle. All of a sudden she decided she wants to move out on her own, because she is incapable of following rules and it cramps her style. Now i feel cheated and used. If I tried to get her to do her own things, she would cry and spend however long it took to manipulate me into feeling terrible and do it for her. I started to just do it. She has told everyone we know that we abuse her, monetarily, isolate her, are mean to her, wont let her do anything she wants to do. None of those are true of course and one thing you can do is to log. Log your day what went on and how you tried to handle it and why it didnt work. There is no one on this planet that can convince me that I am doing my Mother wrong. When this happens it makes you do it right even more, like check and checking again, but it doesnt mean anything to them anyways. One of those is not letting her have a humming bird feeder because of ants. Our yard is polluted always was. The only year she had them I watched the ants crawl in order right to my door and walk up it to the feeder. I would rather avoid that then have ants in my cereal. she says to just pick them out, there is no compromise. ITs get better but I will try to answer your concerns with what works for me, or doesnt but at least I try something. I hate to say that I hate my Mother, I just hate who she is now. She can be so hurtful and walk away like it didnt matter. I was working with her doctors, the rule was that she get mental help and counseling to stay here with us. Years went by and we endured way too much. One Sunday she ended up being sent to the ER for a Psych evaluation. This has angered her to the utmost highest. She refuses to let anyone in to her psyche all her life. As it stands now I have been "relieved of my duties" I am not to talk to her doctors. She cant hear doesnt have a hearing aide she spends her money shopping (her addiction). Everything is my fault. So I started to chart the day. I use free forms from the internet that log her mental health and her moods etc. I have resigned to the fact that since I am not a POA and she wont let anyone, there is little I can to but to keep her safe, help her when she asks, and ignore the comments, and know that all I did GOD will be the judge of it. Its hard to let go, when you know they will fall. She will and what happens from there is nothing I can do anything about. I use Office of Aging, her counselors, and I will step in and message her doctor if its really really an issue. Such as hearing music and voices. I try to envision the day when my husband and I will be alone. It may be soon as she may get a housing apartment soon. My health will not allow me to do anymore for her than I do, this is not appropriate for her life. She is mad at that fact and thinks I am lying. while I chart stuff i date it so that if anyone wants to come into my home and investigate I have a history. Dont be so hard on yourself. You cant as I was told by my doctor make her do anything. But she can do what she wants somewhere else. God Bless.

Nursing home for proper care for your mother.

Maybe meet her half way and put a curtain up in the bathroom doorway. I’m sure she hates her current situation. The curtain would help keep the warm air in and no drafts. My mom has to have a hot bathroom to shower in too. I always feel like I’m gonna faint if I stay in there too long.
They can be like two year olds, it’s not easy. They get pretty childish when they know they are losing control of things so they try to control what they can when they can.
Good luck.