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My 85 yr. old mom has never been very independent but rather depends on  two of us brothers. Lost my wife 10/2016, and retired 1/2017. I bought a house one block from where I live, all on one level, spent 8 months remodeling with the intent to downsize and move there once my house is ready for the market. In the meantime mom got to where she could not traverse the stairs in her house or keep it going so with some remorse I moved her into the new house, either that or assisted living which she vehemently opposed & refers to as a nursing home.


Younger sister, after sponging off mom for years moved away 2yrs. ago so is of no help. I've offered to allow her to come live with mom as she struggles financially as well, she is younger and I feel she kind of owes it to mom but, she won't. I have an older brother nearby still working so cannot help much. So its pretty much me. Before I retired she knew I had work obligations. Now, knowing I'm close by I'm on speed dial sometimes 2-3 daily. Can't get the T.V. to work, computer issues, on and on repeatedly. If not that she finds things wrong with the house always needing address. It's like a new house for crying out loud. No time to work on my overwhelming issues to deal with without interruption. Most is for attention.


Called me last Sunday evening at 11:30pm saying the T.V. stopped working. I had been in bed asleep. She calls at the drop of a hat. We eat dinner together almost every evening. Sometimes I'm by there 1-2 times during the day prior to, ugh. I hate to be mean but have repeatedly asked her to use some judgement. Her mental faculties seem fine, more like being self-centered and it never changes.


I've been looking out after her for 35 yrs so burned out when the real work is just starting. She is still mobile with a walker & still drives although not very well. Part of the problem is she has never had any friends, lives her life vicariously through her children. What she is today is the summation of how she's lived over the last 40 yrs since divorcing my stepfather- wants to be independent but could never without our support.


Came to my house unannounced and ease dropped on a conversation I was having with my brother with my saying that if somehow she cannot find a way to be satisfied and content in the new house then she just may be looking at going into assisted living whereby she can get all the attention she wants. She butted in and said I'm not going into an nursing home! I repeated my stance. Six months later- still exactly the same. I'm soon to be 62, I've worked hard my entire life and want some peace and enjoyment in retirement. I have my own declining physical issues related to age to deal with.


I've tried to set up boundaries but it is hard when they go ignored. Me and older brother are wondering if she will outlive us. Longevity runs in the family and she could live to be 100. I will be in my late 70's by then if I'm lucky enough to still be alive as I've had a hard life working- her, not so much. I was a caregiver to my wife who had cancer for 3 years prior to her passing and now caregiver to my mother. I believe in looking out for our elderly but besides a vacation week here and there I never get much of a break & she consumes my thoughts. I myself would spend a little time exploring me moving on with my life and maybe finding a new mate- my plans to retire and spend my time with my wife did not work out.


When is it time to have a family meeting and tell her it's time to go to assisted living? There is an excellent place at the end of our street so close-by. Sometimes I feel like my personal life is over. Ugh. I feel like I'm burned out and just getting started with no relief on the horizon. I know this probably sounds familiar & repetative but thanks for allowing me a venue to sound off. Best wishes to all of you dealing with similar circumstances.

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Timing judgment (along with financial) is one early cognitive declines with aging. I worked from home just down the street from my parents for a number of years. Following cataract surgery, my Mom's short term memory problems became much worse and began to impact daily living. About the same time, my mother started calling or dropping in to visit during my working hours for little things that could have easily waited until lunchtime or after work. Later that year Mom was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI). Today if my mother (who now lives with me) wakes up early in the morning, she calls for me instead of turning on the TV or reading a book for a few minutes like she did a year ago. It's possible your mother is not justing wanting attention but is now lacking the necessary judgment to delay calling you until a more appropriate time.

Find a couple of nice ALs in your area and take your mother on the tours, eat lunch or dinner (or both) there and then ask her which one she prefers. Remind her if she chooses the one at the end of the street you could share a meal with her most days. I would not consider providing her with the option to remain in the house. I suggest telling Mom about your own health concerns and that you are concerned about who would take care of her if you needed surgery and recovery time. Make her move to AL something you need for peace of mind more than she requires it. She may very well find a few friends there.

God bless you and Good Luck! I hope you find activities and maybe a new partner to enjoy in your retirement.
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anonymous775483 Mar 2019
Well said, ty. Yes I agree with your assessment of your situation in the calling or dropping by, sounds very familiar. Best of luck.
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So sorry you’re going through this...there are so many on this forum who have looked forward to a pleasant retirement, to now feeling consumed by their elderly parent...almost like raising another child in our 60s! Ugh. You didn’t mention how your Mom does with her normal activites of daily living...she still drives...does she get her own meals? Get around her (your) house OK? Does she keep it and herself clean? Is she pretty healthy or needs medication and remembers to take them? If yes, she sounds pretty high functioning...she would be a pretty easy resident of an assisted living facility. She may be even a good candidate for an Independent Living apartment in a senior building. But the thing to look for is what situation would minimize her dependency on you to fix every little thing in her life. It’s for that reason that AL might be better...theres more staff there to deal with her needs/issues so you could step back. Tell her you need to put your retirement plan into action now, you want to start traveling or whatever and want to make sure she’s well taken care of when your not around. The current house has to be sold and you need to move into small one and you will support her and not abandon her...she’ll be just down the street. Impress that this place is far from being a nursing home...it’s really just a nice apartment. Make an appointment and take her there for lunch. And I also would suggest backing off the current visits a little to get her used to time without you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
rocket,

It's actually worse than raising a child. On the flip side though, look at the grandparents who raise their grandchildren. I don't have grandchildren. I would enjoy them if I did but I certainly wouldn't want them full time.

Kids grow up and become more and more independent. Parents become more dependent. Gosh, I hope I don't live that long. I don't want to be a burden to my kids or anyone else. But as the OP has said, longevity in my family too. My cousin just turned 97! She is well enough for independent living. She is an exception, though. She drives, shops for herself, cooks, cleans, bathes herself. dresses herself, no walker, no cane, etc. If I could live like that, fine, but if I end up like my mom, 93 with Parkinson's I will be ready to go to a place with assisted suicide! Never thought I would feel that way but I do now or just peacefully die in my sleep.
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There comes a time when we don't get to decided. She has reached that time.

As TNtechie said find 2 good AL facilities and tell her pick, don't buy into the drama that will ensue. She has manipulated you for your entire life and she knows how to work you, be prepared, get a friend to get in your face with everything you have ever been handed from her and flatten those guilt, obligation and fear buttons she will be stomping all over.

She needs more help and whether she acknowledges that or not is beside the point. She is not entitled to take over your life so she doesn't have to change anything. She needs someone monitoring her 24/7 her actions show that.

Buck up because she will make this as hard as possible.
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anonymous775483 Mar 2019
Well said, exactly, confirms what I think.
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It's hard. It does become overwhelming. One thing people have told me, others will have to give their opinion on this because it's only what I have heard. They say assisted living ends up being cheaper than paying for home care. You say you are having dinner together daily now. Eating out or at home? Eating out is expensive on a daily basis. Are you taking your mom to dinner every evening?

Assisted living will provide her meals. She won't be eating alone unless she chooses to eat in her room.

I have been dragging me feet on this for awhile now. I started the process of looking. I actually found three AL facilities that I like. All more money than she will have. So, even with aid and assistance from veterans we will have to pay extra.

I have to get certain things in order. Just got the living will papers from her doctor so I need to fill that out, still trying to decide if I want an elder attorney to handle veterans aid and assistance to help with finances.

Scared of mom outliving the facility and money will run out. But meanwhile, I feel so stuck. I'm exhausted! I have been at this for a LONG time, since 2005 when mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina.

I wish you well. If you don't have the considerations that I have than don't drag your feet like me. The longer parents become more and more dependent on you the harder it will be to move her. I really feel like my mom and I have developed an unhealthy codependency. I need therapy! hahahaha and a good kick in the rear end!

There are wonderful people on this site who have encouraged me, also shared a wealth of knowledge and it's helpful and comforting.
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anonymous775483 Mar 2019
Thank-you. We eat out 1-2 per week, she still cooks as well I although it is becoming a struggle for her to do so.
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Every case is different, but, one thing that I have read consistently, since I've been a caregiver and on boards like this one, is that when you ask that question, if's past time to start exploring. I think it's because before you actually get that far, you have been dealing with a lot of stuff, working like crazy, straining your patience and really doing some soul searching for options. So, I hope you have luck finding the right options, like AL. I'd look into the details, costs, amenities, etc. to see what is available and what she can afford. You might consult with an Elder Law attorney as well. (If she still refuses to go, I'd find out what that means legally) You still have so much life left ahead to enjoy. And your mom too. There are a lot of opportunities for social interaction in AL. There is someone right there to help her with tv, radio, baths, laundry, medication, meals, entertainment, etc. It can be done. It's not without challenges, but, it can be done.
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I applaud you for all that you have done for your mother. It is sometimes quite rare to find a man taking care of his mother. Okay, having said that and getting it out of the way. You deserve to live your LIFE! She lived hers however way she did, it is your time to enjoy yours. I completely understand where you are coming from. My 86 year dad who was never there for my sister and I but was 100% there for our half sister who we do not have a relationship with expects to get what he wants all the time. I will offer him something and he will say do you have any fruit cocktail...I answer if I had fruit cocktail I would have offered it to you. He wants to eat well but he doesn't want to buy anything. He will eat me out of house if I allowed it, but I am getting selfish now. He loves Hagen Daz Rum Raisin ice cream so does everyone in the family. I don't usually but it cause it is too expensive but saw it at Walmart coming to his home this past Friday so I bought two pints. I gave him some last night. Today he says, "oh the ice cream hit the spot it is like you were reading my mind." Really this his way of telling me he wants more but I am not giving him anymore...he won't buy the stuff but he wants to eat ours.

You need to just tell mom she has to go period. I moved my dad into his own home, because enough was enough, he lived in my home for a year and pretty much ruined my relationship with my spouse. He even wanted me to divorce my spouse to take care of him. I have no children so I know that when I get old there won't be damn soul to care for me period. Mom needs to go...why the heck are they so selfish. None my parents took care of their parents. My cousins are saying "oh he is in the house by himself what if?" Yeah jerks what if? None of them took care of their parents and they all inherited the money my father gave their father so now my sister and I have NOTHING to get and this man who was never there for me expects me to care for him for free. I am sorry, but the love I once felt for him is gone...I do what I do because he is a human being but not because he deserves to be treated good!
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There are Places that you can call to Come up and Do a Screening and Help you make the Decision with You and Her...Start with her Doctor..Good Luck.
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It is PAST time for this discussion.
Put your foot down now.
Take her for a visit to the AL place, which is what I did with my own father. I told him we were going for a visit "for future reference" in case he needed it. Then I talked up what a great place it was, how they had a coffee station 24/7 so he could have his coffee whenever he liked, etc. He finally warmed up to the idea - and I moved him.
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Wow. You are one impressive son, and I bet an impressive husband too.

If all you needed was our permission to go ahead and make a start on your mother's admission to that nice sounding ALF in an area she is very familiar with, wouldn't that be lovely?

But it isn't. Can you narrow it down to say, five main issues that have to be overcome for this to happen?

Do you still own that one-level property she lives in, by the way?
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I think you have answered your own question. Get on with your life
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Greg, as you can see, there are many of us in a similar situation. Don't depend on your mother respecting your boundaries. If she has been intrusive all her life, it just magnifies with age.
It's overdo for you to invite your siblings to sit down with you and your mother and make decisions. Take the advice given here that works for you. If your siblings won't be part of the solution then you do it yourself.
You already know in your heart that this has gone on too long, and your mother has needs that can be met better in AL.
I'm an only child (63) with a manipulative, dependent mother (92)and have to enforce my boundaries or she would manipulate me out of my life which she never cared about unless she needed something. I've talked with her doctor and senior social workers privately for advice and am waiting for the right moment to have that talk with her with my husband present, since it won't happen if left to her. Right now, she still lives independently with my help two days a week and a friend who takes another day (paid). But she is frail and declining. My sons and their wives are having children and we want to enjoy them, traveling, and enjoying our retirement like my mother did without having a care for anyone.
You've done more than anyone would expect, and it's past time for you to find a solution you so can live the life you worked so hard for and to have peace about the safety and care of your mother. Stand firm and be consistent in your follow through. It's time for you to live your life and be the priority. You're a giving person, but you have to give to yourself as well. Keep it simple and direct. For her safety and health, she needs care that you are not trained for or able to do.
I wish you and everyone here the best as we navigate these decisions. It has definitely taught me is that I will never do this to my children. I would rather get help at home then find assisted living in one of the beautiful places my friends and other family have lived in and enjoyed.
Let us know what happens!
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As others have already said, when you start asking these type of questions, it's time to make a change. So many of our parents feel they are still OK to be in their own home when we know they are not. I saw your answer to the question about cooking and you mentioned it was getting more difficult for your Mom. That's a sign of things to come and it doesn't get better. Now is the time to have a sit down with her (and your siblings if possible) and give her the options. We did this with my Mom, laying out various plans - all included 24/7 care - and the cost associated with each (my Mom is frugal so this was an area we thought she would grasp). Unfortunately, for us, she didn't remember even having this meeting and that was also a huge red flag. I realized we probably had waited too long for her to be a part of the solution. I wouldn't wish that on anyone - so do what you need to now while your Mom could still succeed in a new living arrangement. Best of luck to you and hopefully it helps some to know you are not alone!
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Please take the ideas here to heart and move forward with your lives...hers in AL and yours wherever you wish. At 62 you are young enough to enjoy a retirement well deserved. You have been a dutiful husband and son. Whatever anger your mom exhibits about moving to an AL community will subside in time. Assuming you have POA, do what is best for her care and safety and for your mental and physical well being. Folks on this forum often suggest setting boundaries, and reading that advice to others has helped me tremendously.

Keep us posted on what's going on and know that the wonderful folks on this forum have felt like the wind beneath my wings many, many times.
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Hi...Some Assisted living places have trial periods or respite stays. You could tell your Mom that you are giving her a vacation from worries and lots of activities while you take a rest. After two or more months of trying...she may well come to love it there. Then it will be easy to just transition her to full time residency. I would suggest that you scope out what is available in your area. Then pick two and take her with you to see them. Ask her to pick the one she likes for the vacation time. I too had a terrible time transitioning my mother who also thought of AL as a nursing home. After years of trying to keep her home with help...it was becoming impossible because of her increasing needs. We would get calls at all times of day and night too...making us very anxious. It took the last huge infection ...a hospital stay and rehab to just move her into AL from there. Good luck...I know how hard it is.
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You need to set boundaries. Do not answer the phone at 11:30 at night. Get her a life alert that she can wear and press if she has any true emergencies.

She is unlikely to agree to Assisted Living, so you need to work with that in mind. Try taking her on the tours, but it sounds like both of you are used to a certain way of life. You would like her to be happy and live well, but without depending on you and calling you 3xs a day. She is unhappy and dependent on you and so she calls and makes up reasons why she can't be happy where she is and why she needs you to come over. One or both of you needs to break that cycle and I would bet it will not be her.

Think about going and talking with a professional counselor. They will be able to help you to see that your mother will not be happy no matter what you do and that it is not your job to make her happy. It is literally not within your power. The only person you can make happy is yourself.
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Assisted Living is quite expensive and the resident doesn't always get much attention. Try hiring a companion/housekeeper for a few hours a week and see if she can accept a helper that is not you.

Who prepares the food for your dinners? If you are doing the cooking and shopping, find a delivery service. If your mom is doing this, she might not need AL.

One way to set boundaries is to make a schedule for exactly when you will come over and help her out. Establish a time when you will call her or accept a call from her. Tell her you will not answer the phone after you go to bed.
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Jannner Mar 2019
In my area 24/7 care is way more expensive than independent living. My mother was in a luxury 1 bedroom apartment, included all meals, housekeeping , utilities , transportation, everything except a landline for under 3k a month. Nurses for my stepfather were $ 1800 a week and included nothing else.
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Long past time for a family meeting.
From experience, as long as you are taking on the burden, you’ll be stuck with it. Are you her POA? If f not get that done now.
My mother was doing the same thing. Much was for attention. She’s manipulating you.

How about an independent living facility where she can transition into AL? They basically make meals and clean their apartment. They usually have buses for outings. Are not anything like nursing homes
Tell her you are selling / renting your current house and do it. Move into the one she currently lives in and she goes to another facility. Decades ago it was true multiple generations lived together but they also died a natural death ie not the level of care needed today by the time someone passes.
And I don’t get this about seniors holding guilt over their kids ‘ heads . None of them had their parents living with them! My mother did and does play the martyr still but since she’s in AL, I know she’s safe and getting care . A perk is she’s just not calling us at 3am anymore to come fix her tv because she messed with the remote again .
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Boundaries only work if both are willing to abide by them. After reading your post : This is only from my experience with my mother but she became much more obstinate about moving as dementia began to set in. She became much more aggressive, hair trigger temper, accusations about someone breaking in and stealing, wanted to buy a gun(🙄). My point is there is more to early dementia than forgetting where the car keys are. At 85, she may very well not be safe living alone . Some things like meals on wheels are stop gap measures but my mother was only a couple yrs older than yours when she became unsafe. ( ie eating food we had taken her that was 2 weeks old, not taking her meds correctly) I took her into a geriatric specialist who recommended IL . My siblings, who weren't around but an hour or two a month, nixed it. She didn’t seem to have dementia to them but it was starting
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Your mother is using you as a substitute husband. My mom is the same way with my brother, expects him to visit and sit & talk with her everyday in AL with no understanding that he has his own life and obligations. lf you are keeping up two houses and paying taxes and insurance it might be time to put your house on the market and tell your mother outright that once the house sells you will assist her in moving into a facility. Explain that you need to look after yourself and that you have her best interests in mind. Good luck, you deserve to live in peace and on your own terms.
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Dear Man... sit her down and tell her point blank that you cannot do this any longer. Either she hires a few caregivers to be with her at home 24/7 (average $20 an hour) OR she finds an assisted living place. Do not give her any other options. If you have to, tell her you are selling her home due to your own financial needs. Put her in the car and take her to assisted living to "check it out". Wishing I had done this with my own mom rather than taking her in. She most likely will outlive me!
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At the moment your mother thinks she has two options – go into a facility, or get you to run around the way you have been doing. Guess which she will choose? Are you going to change her mind or talk her out of it? Not likely! You are not going to win this unless you make staying home a whole lot less attractive. Stop answering the telephone. Stop running to do things for her. Stop eating dinner with her. Find as many ways as possible to make moving more attractive and staying home less attractive. You’ve tried logic, complaining, persuasion etc etc and guess what? She prefers to stay home! You need to face reality here. Looking for sympathy won't cut it!
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You cannot nor should not continue to take on all of this responsibility, else you'll be good to no one.
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Firstly - after enabling her for years why are you surprised with her attitude - you may need counciling to untie those apron strings because she has trained you well, whether you realize it or not, to jump when she says to do so

Secondly - she sounds of the generation where assisted living didn't exist but rather nursing homes where wearhouses for the elderly - she hasn't kept up with the new advances in health care - she needs to visit some that are more to her needs

Thirdly - you basically are her landlord so you can evict her if you need that place for yourself - start looking yourself at places for her then take her to the best ones

Fourth - why are you eating every night with her? - just make other plans with friends & GO - switch your home phone to one that screens calls so that you can hear her to know it is not an emergency but calls after you go to bed are not tolerated - give her a time table when she can & cannot call you & STICK TO IT - if necessary change your cell number or put a ring tone just for her so you can screen the calls

You need to be firm so if she says there is an emergency & there isn't then she 'looses' a 3 hour calling time the next day [for example] or something else - she is behaving like a spoiled 11 year old & needs to be told what her limits are - you will have to pick how to 'ground' her as will suit your own circumstances

Join a gym/club/group with set times & go - you need more people in your life than her & the cashier at the grocery store - don't ask 'permission' .... just do it & soon - go to school & learn something new as many universities allow those over 60 to go for free -

I'm trying not to be harsh but rather pour some cold water over your head to wake you up to how you mother has manipulated you so well that you don't even fully realize it -

When she calls at 11:30 pm because she has screwed up her remote don't run over to fix it rather wonder aloud if she needs a memory test - when she snaps her fingers just to see how high you will jump then sit down & read the newspaper - when she fusses about you not joining her for dinner have a TV dinner on hand to give her - she is treating you like an un-paid servant from the 1800's not like a loving son -

I hope you can see what is happening to you by her as she has not allowed to fully grieve the loss of your wife - rather she has moved into the opening in your life to place herself as numero uno so nobody can get close = she keeps her good life - good luck as I feel you will need it
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The best predictor of future behavior is always past behavior, in my experience.  Please do not continue to put your life on hold; as you stated you have worked hard and deserve to enjoy this chapter of your life.  You have siblings-if they cant be part of the solution, they are part of the problem.  Helpful that there is not dementia but rather lifetime behaviors involved.  Can you work out a 'checking in' schedule and explain to her this is kind of your last ditch effort to be able to continue caring for her in this environment?  She clearly has no boundaries.  What about engaging area agency on aging?  Senior center?  The no friends thing--really sad.  Her world is so small.  Save yourself!
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I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Let's face one thing - you are NOT getting help from other sources and it all seems to fall on YOUR shoulders. That is not fair, not right and only YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL AND END THIS FIASCO. Start looking for good facilities and do some behind the scenes detective work in relation to what is available, what they have going on, finances, etc., etc. and get a Power of Attorney from a good, reliable elder attorney. Once you have everything in place, sit your family down and tell them once and for all, YOU ARE GOING TO STOP GIVING UP YOUR LIFE - YOU NEED TO HAVE A BREAK AND START LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - NOW. You will expect rebellion and tears but stand firm - DO IT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.
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moecam said it so well - "Untie the apron strings." I echo that.
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dear hotrod
I agree with everyone here who is telling you the time is now. Don't wait she will continue to decline can't help that.
My mom needed to be moved to AL 3yrs ago today and she didn't like it didn't want to be there ect.
I knew she was safe well cared for and that gave me peace of mind which you cannot put a price on.
My mom died 3 days ago and looking back as hard as it was and difficult she could be we were all better off
I would do it again in a heart beat
You have to be strong for yourself
She'll be OK
My well wishes are with you
Sissy
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